Bruiser- Story of a Street Sweeper

[Benjaman]

A user by the name of Bruiser(no rhyme intended) posted a thread in Something Awful a while ago telling stories about his adventures as a street sweeper. The thread was epic, and was made into a PDF(Linked at bottom). Probably the greatest thing I've ever read. I bit of a "tl;dr" story, but way too worth it to pass up.

I really don't know if this should go in the Media Forum, but since it isn't formal writing or anything, it probably belongs here.

Link: http://www.subkamran.com/sa/sa%20-%20bruiser.pdf

[MaxAlcolo]

I read most of it, and I must agree that it was fucking hilarious.
Very good when you have a little spare time.

[Axidos]

Haha, oh wow. I'm up to page 25 so far and this is only getting better. Better than all seven flavours of hell.

My new life goal: Be a street sweeper.

[IhaveRedHair]

Mate, I just read that whole thing from start to finish, I think it made my night. That story deserves to be published, it reminded me of the movie Kenny so if you liked that story you should check that movie out. Thanks for posting that.

[Beefynick]

I have read that before. It is great. I would have never thought that you would have that much "action" as a street sweeper/garbage man.

[Queenbutt]

Very, very enjoyable to read. Fuck yeah!

[ne3]

I laughed so hard at this;
Finally his crazy ass runs into the locker room. There's a quick two beat and then the entire
room erupts into laughter. Before leaving, we put a bottle of stuff on the table in the locker
room with a note that said:
"You foiled our secret plot -
With love,
Osama XOXO "

[Benjaman]

I laughed so hard at this;

I think the best is with the pooping crack whore, but I don't think you're there yet.

[ne3]

Haha! No, this is the best yet;
-So, this will be a weekend gig for you? *turns down radio*
-YEAH I WORK AT THE BOAT FACTORY.. *ahem*... I work at the boat factory.
-You don't have to yell at me, Jim
-I'm sor-
-I'm sensitive.
-I didn-
-You have the prettiest blue eyes, Jim
-uh
-Anyone ever told you that?
-Could you please watch the road?

Sorry, I just had to quote this, so damn funny. :roffle:
Or just the whole night where he has to train up Jim, it's epic.

[Shagg]

Well If I hadn't just received the VULCAN MIND-FUCK, I might've done something about it

Favorite Quote of the century.

And is Bruiser dating Jen? Because I think they belong together. :hmm:

[Benjaman]

Favorite Quote of the century.

And is Bruiser dating Jen? Because I think they belong together. :hmm:

Read the whole story, wouldn't want to spoil anything for you.

[Lag]

God damn, I haven't read through all of it, but I can tell I'll never have anything as kick ass to tell as this guy. Bruiser is just damned epic.

[Shagg]

I just read the whole story.. and these are the only ways I can sum up how I felt through out:

:lol:, :wail:, :evillaugh:, :eek:, :flamewar:, :hmm:, and another :wail:

Please some HollyWood director make a movie of this... please.

[WillJ.]

That is epic! It got me really bad when He finds out Jen's dead and when he finds the compass.

I really enjoyed it, it made me laugh so hard especially the Roman Centurian ordeal. It was so good I want to be a street cleaner now :indiff:

I wish he'd write a book about it becuase I bet there are loads more stories he hasn't posted and I'd buy it without a second thought.

[Benjaman]

In the thread, Bruiser said that he would have written some kind of formal writing but he didn't know that people would be so interested. And the fact that he didn't mean mean to put Jen in it, like he said in the end.

[Mr. Crow]

This would make a great movie.

[Hysteria__]

This story, as has been said, is fucking brilliant. Almost done now.

[Infammo]

That was fantastic. I learned a while ago that the best work stories all happen 3rd shift.

[Queenbutt]

I've read it through now. It shook me. Fantastically written. Aaaah, no words.

[ne3]

I just finished and, it really motivated me to do what I have to do, and to appreciate life.

Do I sound gay now? :wail:

[Soul]

Unbelievably awesome greatest thing ive read in a while. So many emotions throughout the entire thing though but still a masterpiece nonetheless.

[this is not a post]

Why are all the stories in a random order? I wanna read the Jen saga damn it! :wail:

[Benjaman]

Why are all the stories in a random order? I wanna read the Jen saga damn it! :wail:

Chronological order, it makes a better story.

[this is not a post]

Meh I guess....
Curse you and your logic!

[Savvy]

This guy rules! It reminds me of the paramedic from hell files which are scattered throughout the internets.

[CreamScreamer]

Holy fuck that was awesome. I now have the urge to run over gigantic cans of cheese.

[Spastic]

Damn, that has to be one of the funniest things I have read in a long while. Thanks for this Ben! The goth prank was by far the best though.

[El Mojado]

Fucking epic story. Really I think they should make it into a movie, I would go see it. Infact I would buy the DVD.

EDIT: I finshied it, its fucking awsome.

[ToastmasterAlpha]

I read the whole thing, start to finish, in one sitting. Way more inspirational and powerful than any biography I've ever read. Seriously, it hit me pretty damn good.

[Cristo]

Seriously, that was excellent. Really well written and quite funny, and I was almost but not quite brought to tears at some points.

I have doubts though, as to the credibility of a lot of the stories, but even if they aren't true they're creative and funny and well though out. Sad about Jenny, but it seemed kind of predictable when he said the phonecalls stopped etc., and the whole Uni application that she done for him without him knowing and then him getting it back the day he finds out she dies....

Anyways really good stuff, thanks!

[BAN ME PLEASE]

I'm reading it out, but I don't really think it's that amazing. =\ Maybe I'm just not that far into it yet, but seriously it just sounds like a bunch of fun stories this guy had during his job. Honestly it's not "inspiration" or anything like that. It reminds me of a script of the office, only instead of the office it's the "street sweeper"

[Cristo]

I'm reading it out, but I don't really think it's that amazing. =\ Maybe I'm just not that far into it yet, but seriously it just sounds like a bunch of fun stories this guy had during his job. Honestly it's not "inspiration" or anything like that. It reminds me of a script of the office, only instead of the office it's the "street sweeper"

I'm just amazed that this much shit can happen to one guy in a period of 8 months.

[EeK··]

Someone needs to make a movie of this shit.

[BAN ME PLEASE]

Honestly this sounds more like a movie than what really happened. I mean everything after page three sounds like completely bullshit someone made up for a movie.

[Lag]

Even if it is, (whatever, lets say he lied anyways), can you say you wouldn't see it?

[Benjaman]

It sounds fake, but no guy would make this stuff up. If he did, professional help might be his best option.

[BAN ME PLEASE]

Even if it is, (whatever, lets say he lied anyways), can you say you wouldn't see it?

I wouldn't see it. There was literally no humor except for the "bad ass" guy that this writer made himself out to be. If there was any other genre to catagorize this in it would be a romantic drama, and the only sad part sounded far too cliche to be real.

If this was real, he had one crazy year, but if it wasn't, he is just a mediocre writer.

[abbey]

It sounds fake, but no guy would make this stuff up. If he did, professional help might be his best option.
That's what writers do for a living.

Some of it might be true, but most of it seems made up. Nevertheless, it's entertaining.

[s3b]

That shit was insanely good.

And the end brought a tear to my eye, but that last part seemed highly cliche to be true.
Either way, Bravo bruiser !

[SlowCheetah]

Oh man, this stuff is priceless. I'm only like 10 pages in and I'm already hooked.

[meTalmessiah]

This was fucking brilliant.

[HappinessMan]

Best story I've read. I didn't want it to end!

[Cristo]

It sounds fake, but no guy would make this stuff up. If he did, professional help might be his best option.

So professional writers and authors need to see therapists/psychologists because they're creative? :blanky:

Oh and another questionable thing.

How the fuck does a street sweeper afford a Hummer? He "worked hard"? There's no way in hell a street sweeper could earn enough to live on and get by AND by a hummer in only 8 months.

[EeK··]

After reading further in, I must say some of it seems a little unreal. But why would this guy just make this stuff up and write something that long? I think it's more of a "based on a true story" deal.

[Benjaman]

So professional writers and authors need to see therapists/psychologists because they're creative? :blanky:

Oh and another questionable thing.

How the fuck does a street sweeper afford a Hummer? He "worked hard"? There's no way in hell a street sweeper could earn enough to live on and get by AND by a hummer in only 8 months.

Well, if I wrote this as a "professional writing" and included the 9made up)sad story of my girlfriend, then the (made up) weird story of some crack whore shitting on a street, I don't think this guy would be very good in the business.

But it doesn't matter, because I don't think it's made up. Maybe some minor details, but nothing big.

And the Hummer, I concluded that his dad, also a street sweeper, maybe helped him pay it off. That's my thought.

[Cristo]

Well, if I wrote this as a "professional writing" and included the 9made up)sad story of my girlfriend, then the (made up) weird story of some crack whore shitting on a street, I don't think this guy would be very good in the business.


That's exactly WHY he is a great writer and would do well in the business. Look how many people on here though it was super duper amazing and funny, and on the Something Awful forum where it probably garnered like 100000 pages in the topic.

[Benjaman]

That's exactly WHY he is a great writer and would do well in the business. Look how many people on here though it was super duper amazing and funny, and on the Something Awful forum where it probably garnered like 100000 pages in the topic.

Okay, I take the "Professional help" comment back.

Some of it still seems made up. He even admitted that he made up a few things, after some people conflicted what he wrote. They were really tiny details, though. One thing I remember was that Bruiser and Jen's dad actually met in Alabama instead of Georgia. Not that big, like I said.

[Cristo]

Oh undoutedbly it's not all true, I actually think a large chunk of it's made up. But it's still pretty good writing.

[Shagg]

Yeah, even though I enjoyed it entirely.. I highly doubt it was ALL real. Some might be based on what happened.. but alot seem exaggerated. Like he was always the BAMF that somehow NEVER got arrested. :ahe:

[El Mojado]

It seems kosher, but some parts seem fake. Like the part when they find the gun in the truck and he gets away with it with a call to Byrce. But sure there are some lucky guys.

WARNING SPOILERS ARE IN WHITE (They look like gaps)

[lollercaust]

Like a fucking movie. Honestly, that was an amazing story.

[BadAnkle]

Another possibility is that he put together stories he heard from other street sweepers and added them to his own. Maybe all that stuff happened, just not to him.

[Fiquem]

That story made my night. Almost, but not quite, makes me wanna be a streetcleaner, but really not. Kind of makes me think of my future...

As has been said before, it'd make an awesome book. The gift at the end was epic.

[meTalmessiah]

I'm pretty sure it's closer to what BA said, that he took a bunch of stories and put them together rather than made them up. Still, street sweepers get in great situations.

[innerearth]

I just read the whole thing, and all I can say is
"That, Jimbo, Is how the job is done."
Thanks so much for posting this, its one of the coolist things I have read.
Who cares if its true or not, its a great story.

[Ziggy St. Valentine]

EPIC! It wouldn't suprise me if the majority of that was actually real. I've heard similar stories before. Who cares though, what a fucking GREAT read. That took up most of my work day today...loves it.

[WFN]

Read this story from page 1 - 120, And enjoyed every bit of it.
Sure enough some bits seem made up at times. But it was a story of mixed emotions. :stfu:

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

Yeah I'm a very unemotional person, like as in my grandad died and i cried for about 5 minutes. Seriously. But this story was actually quite sad at the end, it was a great story even if it wasn't real. He should get it published, could probably sell it for like 5$ a copy, I know I'd buy it.

[takesoffhat]

I really liked this story, it was really entertaining, but there are some things that didn't make sense that make me think it's not real. In one part he says his girlfriend of two years left him at a point near the end of his career as a street sweeper, but wasn't he supposed to be with Jen/whatever at that point? And he said he got the job from an ad in the paper, but if his dad worked there wouldn't he just get the job through his dad? Also, he says that he got the name Bruiser from that party, but then at the end says he got it a different way.

[Benjaman]

And he said he got the job from an ad in the paper, but if his dad worked there wouldn't he just get the job through his dad?

Good Question, but there is possibilities.

In one part he says his girlfriend of two years left him at a point near the end of his career as a street sweeper, but wasn't he supposed to be with Jen/whatever at that point?

I think he said that his girlfriend of two years left him before he met Jen. I don't feel like sifting through 12 pages to find that exact quote.

Also, he says that he got the name Bruiser from that party, but then at the end says he got it a different way.

I'm pretty sure these people are actually calling him by his real name, but for the sake of Anonymousity, just says Bruiser throughout the story.

[takesoffhat]

I'm pretty sure these people are actually calling him by his real name, but for the sake of Anonymousity, just says Bruiser throughout the story.

Not to be an argumentative little bitch, but when he's talking about the party he said something along the lines of "this is where I got the name Bruiser". I kind of hope that this is all real just because these stories are so amazingly funny, but it seems like alot of this just doesn't fit.

[Benjaman]

Not to be an argumentative little bitch, but when he's talking about the party he said something along the lines of "this is where I got the name Bruiser". I kind of hope that this is all real just because these stories are so amazingly funny, but it seems like alot of this just doesn't fit.

Yeah, I read that, but that doesn't imply that they started calling him Bruiser at that moment, but you still might be right. :think:

[El Mojado]

Yeah, I read that, but that doesn't imply that they started calling him Bruiser at that moment, but you still might be right. :think:

Or it can be how I got my nickname. I ate some Teddy Grahams off the floor, then I started to get called Teddy Gramz 3 months later. It could be that after those months of rumors, the name stuck to him. But who knows.

[Benjaman]

Or it can be how I got my nickname. I ate some Teddy Grahams off the floor, then I started to get called Teddy Gramz 3 months later. It could be that after those months the name stuck. But who knows.

That was almost completely irrelevant to the subject, Mojado.

But good point.

[Werty]

Jesus. That thing took me a good 2 hours to read. Totally worth it. I feel sorry for the guy, and at the same time, I feel proud of him. I wonder where he is now..

[the2na]

And he said he got the job from an ad in the paper, but if his dad worked there wouldn't he just get the job through his dad?

It wasn't literally his Dad. It's just something they called eachother.

[takesoffhat]

It wasn't literally his Dad. It's just something they called eachother.

Are you sure? That's what I thought at first, but as the story went on it seemed like he actually was his dad. I'm not positive though, but does it say that anywhere? If not, I'm going to stick with believing he's actually his dad.

[Kass]

FUCK YOU. I WAS GOING TO DO HOMEWORK TONIGHT.
Goddamnit, it's too hilarious to stop reading.

edit: page 77-78 almost made me cry. RIP.
edit again: for all you people arguing up there on the page about whether or not it's true, go look up the definition of "metafiction". (Well, okay, this is kind of the exact opposite of metafiction.) Or something. EITHER WAY, LOOK UP THE DEFINITION. IT'S RELATED.

The fact that it's supposedly a true story is a part of the story. It adds an extra element. You're supposed to wonder if it's true or not--and it may be true. You never know.

This story was epic. And that's all I care about.

[Queenbutt]

It wasn't literally his Dad. It's just something they called eachother.

Yeah, the guy who was called "Dad" was the guy that took Bruiser under, the guy who showed him the ropes and stuff.

[JennaHs_bitch#1]

I loved it!
Whether it is true or not though... well, I think I would prefer to believe it is.

[opn4bzns]

I remember that thread, it was great, and there was one in a similar vain, about a bus driver from Adelaide (by a different guy obviously) that was good too. I think it's possible that it's all true, but unlikely.

[BadAnkle]

Here's a few other sites that offer some humorous reading:

Tucker Max (http://www.tuckermax.com/)

Philalawyer (http://www.philalawyer.net/)

Waiterrant (http://waiterrant.net/)

[Cristo]

I used to be an avid reader of Tucker Max and the other affiliates (Stop! Slow Children and the other retard school diary) but I stopped checking when Tucker got semi famous and got all sorts of book and TV deals and he stopped updating his site. I haven't checked in like two years. Haven't heard anything about him though, so I guess he didn't get famous.

[StrikeTwelve]

I laughed, I was shocked and I almost cried a little.

Awesome.

[ganondorf]

I dont really care if its real or not, it´s just a awesome story and just finished reading the whole thing(better get some sleep by now couse i got to get up early tomorrow)

[Shmuh]

All of it was fucking awesome. I wanna be this guys best friend.

And I hope he gets a book deal, I'd totally buy it.

[Bosskid]

Bruiser has a beautiful flowing tone through out his story, easy easy to publish a book like this.

I mean, just wondering how a moving story in a forum... It really did move me. There was so much imagery, 99% of the story, I had a running picture of exactly what he was doing. Absolutely flawless.

And IF they don't make a movie out of this, boy I would be mad. I mean, the crap they come up these days...

[alrightDARLING]

This story is brilliant.
I'm so tempted to print it out and bind it, but it's too expensive.

[Alphawolf29]

That is a piece of story telling epic. I love the love story entangled in there too.

edit: I too, almost cried.

[Mirrorman]

This story was so great. So many emotions, I almost cried when Jen died, it was so catchy.

[alrightDARLING]

This story was so great. So many emotions, I almost cried when Jen died, it was so catchy.

You and everyone else who "almost cried" probably did. Stop trying to hide it. I admit I cried. It was so sad.

[Mirrorman]

I didn't actually cry. Got a little hazy-eyed but nothing really more.

[Dodger]

Awesome, simply awesome.
Holy shit, I totally think this should be made into a movie.
It kicks the balls out of any of that shit they call cinema that's in theaters right now.
Seriously, Holy shit.

[Nirvana]

Great, well rounded story. funny as hell, yet sad.

This definitely deserves to be turned into some sort of movie, It'd probably win an oscar:think:

[PtrN]

I haven't gone through such a wide variety of emotions within an hour for a long time.

Bravo Bruiser, Bravo.

I hope someone makes a movie of that, but the only way it would work if it was done independently on a low budget. I hate to see a large production firm ruin such a marvelous piece or work.

[KilTehEmos911]

Perhaps it was all, like BadAnkle said, stories from both him, and other street sweepers.

I think he also may have taken very simple and less interesting stories, and added extra details that he made up to make it more interesting. Some people would call it lying, I say its just good showmanship and storytelling. You must admit, we're all guilty of that. Just look at the "Funny stuff at school/work" thread.

[takesoffhat]

I don't think this would make a good movie, because for me the funny part is visualizing everything going on, and I'm sure thata movie couldn't capture the awesomeness of variou parts, like scaring the goths, or running over the cheese cans. A full length book though, that would be pretty awesome.