Jokes v3.0 [Archive] - The Explosm Fora

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Tweek

11-12-2007, 4:24 AM

At the risk of looking like a complete doucheyfag, I'm resurrecting the Jokes thread. For a third time.

To make sure that this thread has a half decent life-span, I'm laying down a few rules that will be followed.

1. NO DEAD BABY JOKES

2. Try to limit the amount of puns, word play and riddles you post.
Don't post them at all unless you are absolutely sure that other users will find it funny. This is a thread for jokes.

3. Proper grammar and spelling should be used to help the fluency of a joke.
While in real life timing and delivery are crucial to a joke, on the internet a joke needs to be clear and understandable to a universal audience. That means regional jokes should be kept to an absolute minimum.

4. Explosm Rules still apply.
Keep in mind that this is still the GF, and the mods won't tolerate rule breaking.

5. Please do not join Explosm just to post in this thread.
If you have less than at least 50 posts, fuck off.

Now, off you go.

CharlieH

11-12-2007, 6:08 AM

There one was a man from China
He wasn't a very good climber
He sliped on a rock,
Chopped off his cock
And now hes got a vagina.

There once was a man from gosham.
He took out his Bollucks to wash 'em
His wife said Jack,
If you don't put 'em back
I'll stand on the bastards and squash 'em

fredricothepurple

11-12-2007, 6:21 AM

yo mama so stupid she took the day after pill the day after you were BORN

BAN ME PLEASE

11-12-2007, 8:10 AM

What's worse than a live baby thats crying.

A dead baby that's not crying.

Chrisso

11-12-2007, 8:12 AM

What doesn't fart?

A dead baby.

green rubber bands

11-12-2007, 8:20 AM

What do you say to an emo to make him cry?

Anything.

lollercaust

11-12-2007, 8:38 AM

BKS

11-12-2007, 9:41 AM

A young, very religious girl went to a priest to confess. "Father, I have sinned." The priest replied "What have you done, my child?"

"I called a man a bitch." Said the girl, looking upset as she let him know. "Why did you do that?" Replied the priest.

"Well, he touched my hand."
"Like this?" Said the Father, as he reached out and touched the girl's hand.
"Yes" Said the girl. "That's no reason to call him a bitch." Replied the priest. "Well, then he touched my breast."
The priest then touched the girl's breast. "Like this?" "Yes" "That's no reason to call him a bitch."
"Then he took off my clothes." "Like this?" Said the priest, as he did so. "Yes" "That's no reason to call him a bitch."
"Well, then the man had sex with me." "Like this?" Said the priest, and proceeded to have sex with her." The girl replied: "Yes, father. Yes! Yes!"
Once the priest was finished, he said "That's no reason to call him a bitch."
The girl said "But, the man had AIDS." To which the priest replied "That bitch!"

I seriously loled on that one. Nice joke.

So this trucker has to take a monster of a shit.

He's driving along until he sees an old gas station. He figures, "Alright, buy a snack, use the shitter." So, he goes on in and asks to use the bathroom. The man hands him the keys and points to the back room.

So the guy walks on in, takes the stall, drops his pants and soon after drops the bomb. I'm talking splash back. So the guy goes and reaches for the toilet paper... but soon finds out there is none.

"Fuck!" The guy yells, looking around the stall for help. He notices written on the wall behind him the words: "Wipe your ass with your first two fingers and stick them through this hole. They will be licked clean by a human mouth. Enjoy!"

So the guy is hesitant at first, not sure what he wants to do. However, after a minute or two of sitting, he goes for it.

Wipes his ass with his fingers, stands up and turns around, then sticks his fingers through the whole.

*WHACK* Someone on the other side of the wall holding two bricks slam them into his fingers. Quickly he pulled them out and began sucking on them, to try and dull the pain.:indiff:

P0K3M0N_MA5T3R

11-12-2007, 10:02 AM

Ha, BKS that was pretty good actually. I have one.
Whats small, green and buried somewhere in Portugal?
Madeliene McCann.

Hickabod

11-12-2007, 10:35 AM

Whats the difference between Madeliene MacCann and Madeliene MacCann jokes?

The jokes will get old

You laughed! You can't UN-laugh!

Demoir

11-12-2007, 11:10 AM

Whats the difference between Madeleine McCann and Pope John Paul II?
The pope died a virgin.

John Travolta

11-12-2007, 2:22 PM

http://encyclopediadramatica.com/images/5/5c/Myparentsmurderedme.gif

CharlieH

11-12-2007, 2:29 PM

I'm going to go out on a limb here and guess that you made that, John.

Con-Con

11-12-2007, 2:29 PM

What's the difference Madeline McCann and her parents?

About 200,000 miles.

SlowCheetah

11-12-2007, 2:57 PM

Who the hell is Madeline McCann?

And why did the dead baby cross the road? Because it was stapled to the chicken.

some n00b

11-12-2007, 3:18 PM

Four friends were driving thier car through the countryside when they heard a "bang!" so they ran out of the car and it was a dead squirrel, so they kept driving, in the city they heard another "bang!"so they ran out of the car to find it was a dead cat, so they kept driving, in the city centre they heard a "bang! bang!" one of the guys in the passenger seat said "what was that second bang?"
the driver said "a paki"
"so what was the first bang?"
"the curb i went over to get him"

to be honest now people i couldnt stop laughing after my friend told me this, so hopefully some of you guys have the same sense of humour as me :christ:

I_Smell

11-12-2007, 4:22 PM

A mate just told me a good joke today:

"Everyone in your immeadiate family's sucked your mum's tits. How's that for a joke."

I fuckin hate that guy.

Beefynick

11-12-2007, 4:25 PM

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?

Pregnant.

Tweek

11-12-2007, 4:49 PM

Madeliene McCann jokes are riddles, regional and pretty much the same as a dead baby joke :wail: But okay.

I like this one.

A half Jewish, half black Kid asks his Mum,
"Mum, am I mostly Jewish or mostly black?"
"That's a dumb question," she replies "Go bother your Dad, already."
Off he goes - "Dad, would you say I'm mostly Jewish or mostly black?"
"You're just you, son, why are you asking dumb-ass questions like that?"
"Well, my friend's selling his bike for 50 bucks and I don't know whether to Jew him down to 25 or just wait until dark and steal the fucker."

Two prostitutes stood on a street corner, talking.
One says to the other, "have you ever been picked up by the fuzz?"
She replies, "No, but I've been swung by the tits a few times."

There once was a fellow named Dave
Who dug up a whore from her grave
She was mouldy as shit
And missing a tit
But think of the money he saved.

Rsdx

11-12-2007, 5:26 PM

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death

SlowCheetah

11-12-2007, 5:39 PM

Are racist jokes allowed? I hope so, because this is like my favorite joke ever.

Why are black people so fast?

Because all the slow ones are in jail.

HappinessMan

11-12-2007, 5:41 PM

What's 18 inches long and makes women scream all night?

Crib death

No dead baby jokes retard.

Crabstick

11-12-2007, 5:43 PM

In before this thread goes any further down the drain

50 Things a Woman Can’t do:

1. Know anything about a car except its colour
2. Understand a film plot
3. Go 24 hours without sending a text message
4. Lift
5. Throw
6. Run
7. Park
8. Fart
9. Read a map
10. Rob a bank
11. Resist Ikea
12. Sit still
13. Tell a joke
14. Play pool
15. Pay for dinner
16. Eat a kebab whilst walking
17. Pee out of a train window
18. Argue without shouting
19. Get told off without crying
20. Understand fruit machines
21. Walk past a shoe shop
22. Make a decent bacon sandwich
23. Not comment on a strangers clothes
24. Use small amounts of toilet paper
25. Let you sleep with a hangover
26. Drink a pint gracefully
27. Get a round in
28. Throw a punch
29. Do magic
30. Like your friends
31. Enjoy porn
32. Eat a really hot curry
33. Get to the point
34. Buy plain envelopes
35. Take less than 20 minutes in the toilet
36. Sit in a room for five minutes without saying "I'm cold"
37. Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
38. Avoid credit card debt
39. Dive into a pool
40. Assemble furniture
41. Roll a booger between finger and thumb
42. Set a video recorder
43. Not try and change you
44. Watch a war film
45. Understand why flirting results in violence
46. Spend a day by themselves
47. Go to the toilet by themselves
48. Buy a purse that fits in their pocket
49. Choose a video quickly
50. Get this far without having argued with at least 70% of the above

junglebunny

11-12-2007, 5:50 PM

how many dead babies can i fit in my asshole?

a million!

Mr Anorexia

11-12-2007, 5:59 PM

how many dead babies can i fit in my asshole?

a million!
No way, that's way too many.

Gnomosxcual

11-12-2007, 6:19 PM

In 1986, Mikele Mebembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from
Northwestern University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a
young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Mikele approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Mikele worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which
the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Mikele stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. Mikele never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Mikele was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the
creatures turned and walked over to near where Mikele and his son Tapu
were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mikele, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mikele couldn't help wondering if
this was the same elephant. Mikele summoned up his courage, climbed over
the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Mikele's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

WTF

11-12-2007, 6:37 PM

Gnomosexual you suck for making me waste a couple minutes of my life on that shitty joke.

beermonster256

11-12-2007, 6:50 PM

How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?

You have to make aeroplane noises to get your cock in her mouth.

EDIT: Gnomo you suck. How dare you post bilge like that 'joke' which actually lessened my enjoyment of life.

the2na

11-12-2007, 7:00 PM

Gnomosxcual. That was probably one of the funniest jokes I've heard in awhile.

You win in life.

Benjaman

11-12-2007, 8:00 PM

Knock-knock.
Who's there?
The police. Your entire family was killed in a car wreck.
----------------------------
What did the hobo get for Christmas?

Nothing.

---------------------
What did Helen Keller name her dog?

oggkhknmfdsnkmnfdjznfj

---------------------
A man goes to a grocery store. While he is there, he buys:
bread
cheese
and milk.

So as he is checking out, getting ready to pay, the cashier says: "Hey, you're single, aren't you?"

The man is astonished. "Wow, that's incredible. How did you know that?"

"You're ugly."
----------------------------
What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?

Get in the car.
-------------------------
Q.What did the robot say to the child?

A.Nothing, he malfunctioned and strangled him. Despite the authorities best efforts to free the kid, he was still strangled because robots are really strong. After killing the boy, the robot self destructed and leveled 5 city blocks everyone within the vicinity was killed.
-------------------
Why did the little boy cry when he sat on Santa's lap?

Santa's boner reminded him of his pedophile father.

Is this funny enough for you? :indiff:

BKS

11-12-2007, 8:09 PM

Here's one that I laughed at:

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.

Santa's anagram

11-12-2007, 11:20 PM

^^^^^Oookay...

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack, serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,
"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

The Muffin Man

11-12-2007, 11:41 PM

Want to hear a joke?

Womens rights.

RabidMonkey

11-13-2007, 2:37 AM

Why do people always shit joke threads up with gay bullshit.

A man has just arrived in a town, and he immediately goes to find a bar. He finds one, and above the door it says, "One Hundred Thousand Dollars To Whoever Can Complete The Three Tasks." So he walks in there, and walks up to the bartender and asks what the three tasks are. The bartender replies, "Well first off you have to drink a gallon of tequila without stopping, then there is an alligator out back that has a sore tooth, you need to pull it out with your bare hands. Thirdly there is a woman upstairs who's never had an orgasm, you have to set things right."
The man then replies, "To drink a gallon of tequila in one go you'd have to be nuts, and get crazier from there."
So the man just buys a beer and sits down to drink.
After he's had a few beers and is starting to get rather drunk, he goes to the bar tender, "wherzzz thut tequilar?" The bartender gives him the 1 gallon of tequila and the man proceeds to gulp it down. After he's finished that, he staggers out through the back door, and after a couple of minutes all the patrons in the bar hear loud growling and ripping noises. After a while of hearing these noises, they stop. Then the door opens and the man staggers in all bloodied, and asks "So, wheres the lady with the sore tooth?"

KilTehEmos911

11-13-2007, 8:47 AM

Long farking joke:

I laughed so freaking hard at that. No kidding. That was the longest joke for the crappiest punchline I have ever heard, and I almost cried laughing.

Queenbutt

11-13-2007, 9:44 AM

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

Axel

11-13-2007, 11:08 AM

we wan't dead babies!!!

Queenbutt

11-13-2007, 11:10 AM

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a "gripe sheet," which

tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.

The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and

then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some

actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and

the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right ma in landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on

something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

BlackHawK

11-13-2007, 11:14 AM

Cotoco's life :D

Once, a very rich woman announced in the newspaper that she was looking for a rich, handsome and 'good on the bed' man. Sometime had passed and she didnt found her 'love' yet, when somebody knocked the door,
she looked outside and didn't see nothing, the door was knocked again.. it was Cotoco! a non-armed and non-legged guy!

Cotoco: Hello, I saw your message in the newspaper and Im the perfect guy for you..
Woman: But you're ugly like a dog eating lemons :S are you rich at least?
Cotoco: No I'm not, but Im really great on the bed
Woman: how can you be good fucking, if you dont have arms or legs?
Cotoco: how do you think i knocked the door?

;D

Panda

11-13-2007, 12:09 PM

**A couple is having sex**

Man: Can I cum in your ear?
Woman: No, I'll go deaf!
Man: That's not true, I've been cumming in your mouth for years and you won't shut the fuck up!

John Travolta

11-13-2007, 2:33 PM

ALL OF THESE ARE GOING TO GO UNREAD!

Shadowpriest

11-13-2007, 2:40 PM

buckfan

11-13-2007, 4:58 PM

I've got a Jewish friend and he loves to tell Jew jokes. Heres the last one I remember.

Why do jews have big noses?

Because air's free!

Its not racist, its hilarious is what it is.

BAN ME PLEASE

11-13-2007, 5:05 PM

I told that joke once. Maybe I'm your friend. :hmm:

poutine88

11-13-2007, 7:30 PM

how do you kill and blond

put a scratch and sniff at the bottom of a pool

2 blondes are on opistie sides of a river and one blonde says to the other oe " how do you get to the other side of the river" and the other blonde says " your already there"

gustav7

11-13-2007, 8:32 PM

i found some really good jokes the other day, so i've decided to share some of my favorites

whats a jewish dilemma?
free ham
------------------------------------

why was the blonde fired from the M&M factory?
she kept throwing away all the W's

-----------------------------------------

what do you do if your wife comes crawling out of the kitchen?
shorten the chain

------------------------------------

why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
she was a woman

--------------------------------------

what do you do when your dishwasher breaks?
you hit her

Jallen

11-14-2007, 7:44 AM

we wan't dead babies!!!

This is possibly the most idiotic thing I have ever seen on this site. First off, No. We do not want dead baby jokes because they are against the rules and really gay. Second, what the HELL are you abbreviating when you abbreviate "wan't"??? Want is a word. Won't is abbreviating will and not. That is the WORST grammar mistake on this website I have ever seen.

/rant

Sorry for that.

Apple Juice

11-14-2007, 10:14 AM

----------------------------
What did Batman say to Robin to get him in the car?

Get in the car.
-------------------------

I don't know why, but I laughed a lot on this one. Simple and yet to the point.

glamourgurl21

11-14-2007, 10:23 AM

WHats small pink and red and sits in the corner?

A baby with razor blades...

Whats small blue an green and sits in a corner?

The same baby a few weeks later...

Mr. Crow

11-14-2007, 10:34 AM

HEY GUYS HERE'S A DEAD BABY JOKE EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID NOT TO POST THEM! HA HA!

AM I EDGY AND CLEVER YET?

Sublyminal

11-14-2007, 10:44 AM

Q: Whats black and white and red all over?
A: A dead baby

This thread is now about dead babies

Q: What has four wheels, smokes and squeals?
A: A bus load of babies on fire.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to make a bottle of baby oil?
A: It depends on how hard you squeeze them.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown costume!

Q: How many babies does it take to paint a house?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.

Q: How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles ?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.

Q: What is red & yellow & screams?
A: A peeled baby in lemon juice.

Q: What is the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truck load of dead babies?
A: You can't unload a truckload of bowling balls with a pitch fork!

Q: Why do you stick a baby in the blender feet first?
A: So you can see the expression on its face!

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off of it's head.

Q: What's the difference between a baby & a watermelon?
A: One is fun to hit with a sledgehammer & the other is a watermelon.

Q: What's blue and thrashes about on the floor?
A: A baby playing in a plastic bag.

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts?
A: You can't gargle gravel.

Q: What's harder than nailing a dead baby to a tree?
A: Nailing it to a dead puppy!

Q: What's red and dances all around?
A: A baby on a barbecue.

Q: How do you make a baby walk?
A: Cut off its hands.

Q: What gets louder as it gets smaller?
A: A baby in a trash compactor.

Q: How do you know when a baby is a dead baby?
A: The dog plays with it more.

Q: How do you get 10 babies into a bowl?
A: With a blender!

A: How do you get them out again?
A: With tortilla chips!!!

Q: What is charred black and screams?
A: A baby getting his toy out of the fireplace!

Q: What does a dead baby and a jar of ketcup have in common?
A: If you squeez them hard enough red stuff comes out.

Q: What is the Diffrence between a dead baby and my Christmas Presents?
A: I havent opened my presents to see whats inside!

Q: How do you save a baby from drowning?
A: Harpoon it.

Q: What is black, white, and red all over?
A: A zombie baby eating a nun.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a tire?
A: Two, one to prop up the car and one to replace it incase it explodes.

Q: What does a blind, deaf, quadriplegic baby can get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: When you jump on a trampoline, you take your boots off.

Q: Why are test tube babies the most beautiful ones?
A: Because they're hand made.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a peanut butter cup?
A: The dead baby won't stick to the roof of your mouth.

Q: What's red and goes round and round?
A: A baby in a garbage disposal.

Q: What do you call a dead baby, a rat, 6 week old bread and a gherkin?
A: A Big Mac.

Q: What is better than a dead baby?
A: The revoked child-support.

Q: What do you call a baby on a stick?
A: A Kebabie.

Q: What is red and lies in all four corners of the room?
A: A baby that's been playing with a chainsaw.

Q: What have you got when you pile four dead babies on top of each other?
A: A stool.

Q: What's red, sits in the front of mirror, and gets smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing it's hair with a potato peeler.

Q: What's pink and red and silver and crawls into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to change a light bulb?
A: As many as it takes to make a pile high enough to reach the light bulb with.

Q: How do you stop a baby from looking up at you with that cute little baby face and gurgling happily with that little baby mouth and waving at you with those little baby fingers and little baby toes?
A: Gouge its eyes out.

Q: Why is it so groovy to be a test tube baby?
A: Because you get a womb with a view.

Q: What is a sure way to stop a baby from crying?
A: With an axe.

Q: What's better than tying babies to your bumper and crashing?
A: Tying them to your tires and skidding.

Q: What is brown and keeps it's juices in?
A: A baby in an oven bag.

Q: How do you spoil a baby?
A: Leave it out in the sun.

Q: What's worse than finding a dead baby on your pillow in the morning?
A: Realizing you were drunk and made love to it the night before.

Q: What do you get when you have sex with a pregnant woman?
A: A baby with a black eye!

Q: What is white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
A: A baby shot through a snowblower.

Don't worry I filterd out the distastful ones

HEY GUYS HERE'S A DEAD BABY JOKE EVEN THOUGH YOU SAID NOT TO POST THEM! HA HA!

AM I EDGY AND CLEVER YET?

Yes, Yes you are.

Do you think i'm gonna be on some kind of register for searching "Dead babies" on google?

junglebunny

11-14-2007, 10:46 AM

What the fuck? Are people really joining just for this thread?

P0K3M0N_MA5T3R

11-14-2007, 10:52 AM

What's small and red?

Your sisters unborn foetus.

Apple Juice

11-14-2007, 12:40 PM

How was copper wire invented?

-two Jews fighting over a penny.

Why do black people hate country music?

-Cause every time there's a hoedown they think their sister's shot.

There was a French person, an American, and a Mexican on a plane and they were passing over Paris. The French man gets the attention of the other two and told them to watch this. He sticks his arm out the window and touches the Eiffel Tower.

Heading to the United States the American got an idea and orders the others to watch. Just then he stuck out his arm and touched the Statue of Liberty. Which then he gave a little smirk.

Heading south now the Mexican ponders at what his culture has to represent their country. In a desperate act to not look ridiculous he sticks his arm out and waits a few minutes. The American and Frenchmen wait anxiously to see what happens. The Mexican pulled his arm in and shrugs. He then notices his bare wrist and exclaims, "Ahh Fuck, my watch..."

Fiquem

11-14-2007, 1:35 PM

What's the difference between Buzz Aldrin and Michael Jackson?
One walks on the moon, the other touches children.

Crabstick

11-14-2007, 1:54 PM

Woman: But you're ugly like a dog eating lemons

Oh wow, that's the best line in this thread. Gotta love translations.

Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf. On a particular hole, Moses slices his ball straight into the water hazard. The other two snicker, but Moses simply parts the water and plays his ball where it lies. The others grumble, but concede it.

Two holes later, Jesus hooks a shot and it too flies into a water hazard, landing on a small patch of sand in the middle. The others laugh uproariously, but Jesus simply walks across the water to the patch and plays his shot. The others don't like it, but he didn't do anything illegal, so they play on.

On the last hole of the day, the old man makes a terrible drive which bounces squarely off a tree trunk. As the others fall about laughing, a squirrel picks up the ball and runs off with it. As it runs, an eagle flies down, picks up the squirrel and flies off. As the eagle approaches the hole, a bolt of lightning shoots down at the bird, causing it to drop the squirrel, who in the face of falling to his death, drops the ball. It rolls neatly into the hole.

Moses turns to Jesus and says "Man, I really hate playing golf with your dad."

Majx

11-14-2007, 1:59 PM

A blind man walks into a shop. He stands in the middle, then picks up his guide dog and starts swinging it around his head by its leash.

A shop assistant comes over and says, "Can I help you with something, sir?"

The blind man replies, "No, thanks. I'm just looking around."

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A woman goes to a doctor complaining of stomach issues. She says, "I've been having all these really weird feelings in my abdomen, but they're different than anything I've ever had before. It's a lot of moving around, almost like an out of body experience."

The doc says "Ok we'll run some tests, come back next week."

She comes back the next week to the doctor's office, and the doc says, "Well, it looks like you'll be wanting to buy some diapers soon."

The woman looks really excited, and interrupts him, saying "Oh boy! You mean I'm going to be having a BABY?!!"

The doctor says "No you have bowel cancer."

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man with a black eye boards his flight and searches for his seat number. When he finds it, he realises that the person next to him also has a black eye.

"What a coincidence," he says, "how did you get your black eye?"

"Well, it was a tongue twister accident," he replied, "I was supposed to ask for 'two tickets to Pittsburg,' but the lady had big boobs and I accidentally said 'two pickets to tittsburg,' she got pissed and smacked me one in the eye."

"Thats such an amazing coincidence!" Replied the other "Mine was also a tongue twister accident! This morning I went to ask my wife to 'please pass the fruit loops and milk,' but instead i said 'you're a stupid fat slut and you've ruined my life' "

Mr Clean

11-14-2007, 2:41 PM

Ugh, the noob jokes are seriously getting old.

---

A man gets in a car accident and is recovering in the hospital. That night, his wife comes to visit him, only to find him asleep. So, while waiting at his bedside, she decides to walk down the hall and see the condition of some of the other patients.

Upon the first open door, she peeks inside to see a man jacking off. Outraged, she storms over to one of the doctors to complain.

"What's this about?" she demands, "I just saw a man masturbating in that room. What kind of hospital is this?"

The doctor quickly attempted to calm her down. "Ma'am, that man has a severe condition in which his testicles produces 10 times more sperm per day than the average male. He has to masturbate frequently in order to for his body to function normally."

"Oh," she says, "well I guess that's okay."

Feeling a bit more relaxed, she sets off down the hall as she continues to pass by several patients' rooms. The next open door she passes, she peeks in to see another man getting a blowjob from a nurse.

This time she is furious. Once again, she storms over to the same doctor to complain.

After explaining the situation, she yells, "okay, how do you explain that!?"

The doctor took a deep breath, looked her in the eye, and said, "same condition... better health care."

PyroOwned

11-14-2007, 3:02 PM

Hahahaha, I liked that one Mr Clean.

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress is cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red.
"Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands.

"No" he replies, "I'm just the manager."

"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she asks, running her hands up beyond his ears and into his hair.

"I''m afraid I can't," breathes the manager clearly aroused. "He's in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?"

"Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message."

She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."

JamesKPolk

11-14-2007, 3:59 PM

The bear was a horrifying, huge animal, he had dirty paws and he stank, but he had good heart and was a fun fellow in general. However, other animals saw him only for his looks, and the bear got angry about it, so he caught other animals and kicked them. Other animals didn't love him for that. Even though he was fun. He liked to joke.

Yes, it is hard to have a good heart and be a fun fellow.

The wolf was horrifying and dirty as well. Also, he was evil and cruel. But other animals didn't hate him, beacause he died as a baby. Beacause the bear was born before the wolf.

Yes, it is good, when the Good beats the Evil.

The rabbit was evil and dirty as well. And he was a pussy. So he didn't do anything evil. Still, all the animals in the forest beat him up hard regulary.

Beacause the evil can't go unpunished.

The fox was very cunning and smart. He could fool every animal in the forest, and if he succeeded doing that he wasn't beaten. But if he failed he was beaten to death.

Lies are allways discovered.

The hog was big and scary and powerfull. Thats why he was only beaten up in groups, when all were together against him. Or he was just thrown stones at. The hog didn't like it, so he hid all of the stones in the forest. For that all the other animals beat him up half to death. He isn't hiding stones anymore.

*untranslatable bit*

The ram was neither good nor evil. He was just a ram. He was loud and other animals were scared to beat him. But one day he pissed everyone off with his bleating, so they killed him. At his funeral the bear cried. Because he secretly loved the ram.

Love is blind.

The skunk was allmost like the rabbit. Except he stank. He had unpleasant odour. When the animals beat him, they only beat him in a plastic bag. Once the skunk had birthday, so he invited every animal in the forest. Because he was greedy and wanted a lot of presents. The animals gave him a new plastic bag and beat him up cruely. I guess he didn't have any air in that bag, beacause he smothered and died. That was how he was buried. Still inside the bag. Very deep in the forest. Because the only thing that stinks more than a skunk is a dead skunk. The animals that lived very deep in the forest came and beat everyone up. They didn't like the stench of the dead skunk.

Neighbours have to live in peace and harmony.

The hamster was very rich and didn't like to share. So other animals beat thim up and he had to share anyways. So he cried a lot.

Even the rich cry.

The lion was the King of the Forest. You are not allowed to beat the King. That is the law. But the animals of the forest had forgotten the laws long ago, and beat him anyways. Just like that, for no reason. For that is how things were done in this forest...

See this as a joke or a cruel satirical metaphore for human coexisting in all times, completely up to you. It sometimes got me to smirk, so it could be classified as a joke.

Quadros

11-14-2007, 4:01 PM

So I walk into the podiatrist's office and whack my dick out on his examination table, and he's all like

'That's not a foot!'

To which I replied

'Are you really going to haggle over half an inch?'

Pelican Man

11-14-2007, 4:42 PM

So I walk into the podiatrist's office and whack my dick out on his examination table, and he's all like

'That's not a foot!'

To which I replied

'Are you really going to haggle over half an inch?'

Now that IS a joke!

Shadowpriest

11-14-2007, 4:43 PM

Now that IS a joke!

Your signature is a joke. :indiff:

Quadros

11-14-2007, 4:46 PM

Hey I said that! Why would you take the piss out of something I said?

Shadowpriest

11-14-2007, 4:51 PM

Hey I said that! Why would you take the piss out of something I said?

You did? Sorry.

Ciaran.

11-14-2007, 5:48 PM

Renault just brought out a new people carrier. They say it has so much room in the back, you can literally loose your children in it. They're calling it the Renault MacCann.

Chat up linez?

Are your parents retarded, cos you sure are special.

Did you just break wind, cos I'm blown away.

Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?

blltmssgy

11-14-2007, 8:53 PM

Here be two jokes. One only Jewish people will get.

1.
It was career day at little Johnny's school. His dad came and and started sharing his career with the class. He started to explain how he goes to work each day bumming money from people at the corner of roads and then at night he begins to whore himself out to other men, usually at a very low price. Afterwards he would go and sell heroin and then continue with the whoring of himself to other men. Later, when all the parents were done sharing the teacher came up to him and asked: "That can't really be what you do for a living, can it?"
To which Johnny's father replied:
"No, but I work for the Bush administration, and I'd be embarrassed to have people knowing that"

2. (The one only Jews will get)
What are two things Goys don't understand?
Bagels and Yiddish

KilTehEmos911

11-14-2007, 9:03 PM

America is starting a new recruitment and war plan for the army to use in the war on terror.

They pick up hicks In alabama, and leave them with a gun and 4 pieces of information.

They just point at the enemies and say.

"They hate beer, country music, and Jesus, and are personally responsible for the death of Dale Earnheart."
-----------------------
This one takes a little of explaining.

There are these things called trids in mythos. They are like gnome/faries and live on hills.

Heres the joke.

A rabbi is walking down the road and sees a troll on top of a hill. It is kicking a bunch of trids down, and every time they rush back up to take their hill from the troll, it kicks them down the hill again. Over and over this happens, until the Rabbi grows angry at the injustice.

He says to the troll "Hey, why don't you try and kick ME down that hill?"

The troll sees the rabbi is bigger and replies...

"Silly Rabbi, kick are for trids."

Crabstick

11-14-2007, 9:18 PM

The1Qtip

11-14-2007, 10:29 PM

[Long Joke]
I read the entire thing, and when I got to the end I stared at the screen blankly for a few seconds. Then it hit me and I laughed for like twenty minutes.

KilTehEmos911

11-15-2007, 9:18 AM

Impressive. You managed to steal a not-so-great internet joke and make it worse.

http://i235.photobucket.com/albums/ee66/Crabsticles/redneck-special-forces.jpg

*slaps crabstick*

I heard that joke from my older sister like a half a year ago. Just because you heard it differently than I did doesn't mean you have the grounds to call me an idiot.

Court

11-15-2007, 1:56 PM

Ohio Buckeye Fans must read.

Okay, there was 4 graduates from 4 different schools. One from Penstate, Notre Dame, Michigan, and Ohio. They were climbing a mountain and they loved to brag that they cared more about their college then anyone. As they got higher, Penstate was bragging and goes "This is for Penstate!" And jumps off the mountain. Notre Dame goes "Im not going to let him top me. This is for Notre Dame!" and jumps off. Then Ohio graduate goes "This is for the buckeyes!" and pushes Michigan off the mountain.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------
A michigan and an ohioan found a genie lamp. The genie goes "Ill grant you both one wish." So the Michigan goes "I want a wall to be surrounding Michigan. Where it's so deep & so high, no one can get into it so we can have peace." Then the Genie granted it and the Michigan guy was poof'd back to Michigan. Then the Ohioan goes "Now I want you to fill it with water."

Crabstick

11-15-2007, 2:02 PM

*slaps crabstick*

I heard that joke from my older sister like a half a year ago. Just because you heard it differently than I did doesn't mean you have the grounds to call me an idiot.

I didn't call you an idiot. I'm tempted to do so now though.

----------

A duck walks into a bar and asks the barman for some snails. The barman is momentarily confused by a talking duck, but replies that they have no snails. So the duck leaves.

The next day it happens all over again. Again, the barman states they have no snails and sends the duck on his way.

It happens every day for the next three weeks. Eventually the barman gets sick of it, and tells the duck that if he comes in tomorrow to ask for snails, he'll get his feet nailed to the bar.

The next day, the duck returns and asks for some nails. When the barman replies that they don't have any nails either, the duck replies with a grin,

"Can I have some snails then?"

PSF_E

11-15-2007, 3:33 PM

A an old fashioned war veteran marine officer went to a Christmas party. At the party the man looked very serious and uptight. After a few moments a young, pretty woman approaches him and says, "Sir, why are you so grouchy?" The man gave her a mean look. Then the lady says, "Sir, when was the last time you had sex?" The man says, "I haven't had sex since 1955." The woman says, "That's why your so grouchy. Since it's Christmas I'll have sex with you." After 2 hours of sex, the man says, "It's already 2155??"

jKoval

11-15-2007, 7:42 PM

I. Can. Not. Believe I read that whoooole thing. 'BETTER NATE THAN NEVER!'
Omg.

lmao
Jeff

lollercaust

11-15-2007, 8:04 PM

This one is better when told in person, but I still love it.

So, these two fish walk into a bar, right? They go up to the bartender and

well, I can't remember the rest. But your mother's a filthy whore.

Spiffy13

11-15-2007, 8:16 PM

lollercaust

11-15-2007, 8:21 PM

SNL skit... well, it's similar.

I heard it from a friend, so it probably originated there.

Jallen

11-15-2007, 8:31 PM

I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,
"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered and
shaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a big
kiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, and
there sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. So
I got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,
she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and they
will sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoying
my coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,
yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going to
miss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office.

When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smile
and a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me some
coffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better.

Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Since
it's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would make
me feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, and
since it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and have
lunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out of
town and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and a
nice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don't
we go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a good
idea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to her
apartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If you
will excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and she
left the room.

In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a big
birthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat with
nothing on but my socks.

11-16-2007, 9:04 PM

Really long, pointless, shitty joke posted by Benjaman in the other joke thread that everyone ctriticized him for

It was posted in the other joke thread, it was shit there, why should it be good here?

I sorta laughed at it when I first saw it, but now that you say it again, it's really shit. Jokes like that should be left after they're told once. :blanky:

KilTehEmos911

11-17-2007, 3:12 PM

*slaps all the people that made dead baby jokes and showed a level of idiocy that is not accepted in modern society*

This is more the retelling of a story in which I told a joke than a joke in and of itself, but oh well.

First, you need to understand the circumstances.

1. Me and some friends we're watching a movie called Deja Vu at 2 am in the morning. Ya know, that painful hour when everything is funny, especially if its not funny.

2. It had gotten to that cliche scene at the end of the movie (Note: There is one of these in every action movie ever) where the main character and some girl are holding hands and staring at the ocean. All the girls are crying, all the guys are trying not to barf.

Well, at the perfect time, under the perfect circumstances, when everyone was just getting bored of the scene, waiting for it to be over, I asked...
"What do you get when you push a piano down a mineshaft?"

"A-flat minor"
:rimshot:

The reaction was priceless.

some n00b

11-17-2007, 3:16 PM

A boy was in the bath with his mother, and he said
"mum, whats that hairy thing?"
his mother said,
"thats my sponge"
so the kid said,
"oh yeah....i saw aunty vicki wipeing uncle jons face with it" :rimshot:

Yesterday i opened the door to a six foot beetle who slapped me.... apparantly theres been a nasty bug going around!

KilTehEmos911

11-17-2007, 4:15 PM

*slaps some noob*

EEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Why was a child bathing with his mother!!??!?!?

But, really.

What do you call 6 lawyers buried up to their necks in sand?

Not enough sand.

instant oatmeal

11-17-2007, 4:21 PM

A mother was sitting on the couch reading a book when one of her children walked up to her and said, "Mummy, why is my name Petal?"The mother replied, "Because when you were born, a petal fell on your head."

The next baby walked up and asked, "Mummy why is my name Rose?" she replied,
"Because when you were born, a rose fell on your head."

The last baby walked up to her and said, "BLAS CLAFLAS YIFRASSAM TASSM POONNFFFIINRTY." The mother replied, "Please be quiet, Refrigerator.

Smooth B

11-17-2007, 5:29 PM

Ok so:

The pope of Notre Dom was looking for someone to ring the bell. So he held auditions. People came up and told the pope why they should ring it. Then one guy with no arms came up and the pope asked "What is your name and why should I hire you to ring the bell?" The guy doesn't say anything he just runs toward the bell and slams his face into the bell. It makes an amazing sound so the pope hires him.

One really windy day the bell was swinging back and fourth. As the armless guy runs toward the bell it swings out of his way and runs off the building, falling to his death. The police arrive and they ask the pope the armless guy's name. The pop says "I don't know his name but his face rings a bell."

Yeah.

Quadros

11-18-2007, 12:56 PM

A kid's taking a bath with his dad, and he looks into the water and say's

'What's that daddy?'

To which the dad replies

'That's my penis, Son'

The kid's confused;

'Why doesn't mine look like that?'

'Because I've got an erection, Son!'

some n00b

11-18-2007, 1:13 PM

Quadros

11-18-2007, 1:27 PM

I don't know, I make a point of not reading your posts.

EDIT: Now that I have done, no it isn't becuase the punchline of mine is the kid's about to get raped by his father, or at the very least that his father finds the infant sexually attractive. Also Mine was funny.

wasted space

11-18-2007, 2:01 PM

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
"Hey, girls," says the brunette, "let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know."

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

"That was fun," says the brunette. "We should do it again sometime."

"No way," says the blonde. "I almost got caught."

Quadros

11-18-2007, 3:20 PM

Hitler's inspecting a concentration camp, and he notes that all the prisoners are looking suitibly forelorn, except one little girl, who's grinning from ear to ear. He askes the girl why she's so happy, and the girl replies

'Im turning seven tomorrow!'

Hitler sighs and says

'No you're not'.

Exit152

11-18-2007, 3:47 PM

1.Why is Ray Charles always smiling?

Because he doesn't know he's black.

2. How many men does it take to open a can of beer?

None, it should be open when the woman brings it to him.

John Travolta

11-18-2007, 3:50 PM

captainzaven

11-18-2007, 6:36 PM

The son of a Native American cheif walks up to his father and says "father, how does our tribe name their children?" To this the cheif replied, "After the child is born, the father walks out of the tent, and the first thing that he sees will be the child's name. Why do you ask, Two Dogs Shitting?"

__________

The First Mate of a ship walks in front of the rowers and he says "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
"The good news!" the crew responds.
"The good news is that you all get steak for lunch!"
The crew cheers, and then asks "What's the bad news?"
"Well, the captain wants to go water-skiing immediately after lunch."

__________

The First Mate of a ship walks in front of the rowers and he says "Well, I have some good news and some bad news. Which do you want first?"
"The good news!" the crew responds.
"The good news is that you all get a new pair of underwear!"
"The good news is that you all get steak for lunch!"
"The bad news is, you have to change with the person next to you."

Red Mage

11-18-2007, 11:45 PM

I don't get it...

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says 'make me one with everything'

gagins

11-19-2007, 5:45 AM

What do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing you already told her twice.

I hit my cousin the first time he told me that one, but then I laughed.

Demoir

11-19-2007, 1:49 PM

A man walks into a bar and asks for an entendre.
'Will that be a single or a double?' The barmaid asks.
'A double.' The man replies.
'Ok, sir, so yours is a large one'.

Well, it made me laugh.

I eat shit for a living

11-20-2007, 12:43 AM

What's the difference between a snowman and a snowwoman?

Snowballs.

Phallus Maxima

11-20-2007, 1:33 AM

I'm not a noob, I'm just messagely declined.

Why did the kid fell offthe swing?

Because she had no arms.

Why didn't she get back up?

Because she had no hands.

Why didn't anyone help her?

Cause she was black.

11-20-2007, 1:46 AM

Yo mamma so fat, Last night in bed, I rolled over, and I was still on top of her!

Clix

11-20-2007, 12:38 PM

A rather large woman walks into a store to have a dress made for her. As the tailor is measuring her to make the dress, he looks at her and says.

I can't stop thinking about a forest when I measure you.

The woman, very flattered, replies, "is that because of my natural beauty?

No, it's because the 200 years it takes a pine tree to grow that waist.

Ciaran.

11-20-2007, 5:43 PM

How was copper wire invented?

-two Jews fighting over a penny.

You took that from Billy Connolly, and made it shit.

Whats white, then white, then white, then white?

A fridge, rolling down a hill...

...

...

Phallus Maxima

11-20-2007, 5:54 PM

Fuck Mickey Mouse. Fuck Mickey Mouse with a big rubber dick

George Carlin

Tweek

11-20-2007, 8:06 PM

Stop shitting up this thread.
Minimise the riddles.
50+ posts required unless you have a decent sense of humour.

this is not a post

11-21-2007, 1:07 PM

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

Being raped

Dauntasa

11-21-2007, 1:44 PM

What did the blind, deaf boy get for christmas?

Cancer

Edit:Sorry, didn't see that it had been posted.

P0K3M0N_MA5T3R

11-21-2007, 2:08 PM

"What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you already told her twice."

Stop fucking posting this, holy Jesus mother of God, it's been posted about 5 times already it was only slightly funny the first time because it's sexist, after that many times it just becomes unfunny.

redguy999

11-25-2007, 4:05 PM

What do you call a woman who doesnt know how to cook?

Useless.

redguy999

11-25-2007, 4:21 PM

What the fuck? Are people really joining just for this thread?

No they're not,
but whoever said that couldn't understand that theres a chance that someone that decided to join not too long ago could stumble upon this thread before they get 50 posts.
Because that's just unimaginable.

SeckshualDrippings

11-27-2007, 5:48 AM

How many Spaniards does it take to screw in a light bulb?
~Juan

What does a 200lb fat white lady and a brick have in common?
~There both going to get laid by a Mexican

Why do Jewish people have big nostrils?
~because air is free

:rimshot:

Vany

11-27-2007, 11:36 AM

A man walks into a bar and says ouch.

Read this again when I reach 50 posts; it'll be funny then.

Azn Poser ^_^

11-28-2007, 6:20 AM

What happened when the man put his arm into the jellybean jar?
-The black one stole his watch.

buckfan

11-28-2007, 7:28 PM

Ok here it is:

What's the bad thing about being a black jew?

You gotta sit in the back of the oven.

Crabstick

11-28-2007, 10:13 PM

Tweek, please, for the love of god. Close this thread.

Quadros

11-29-2007, 7:50 AM

A little girl wanders into her mother's room whilst she's dressing, points to her breats and asks 'what are those?' The mother says 'these are breats, dear'. The kid then asks 'when do I get those?'. The mother smiles and says 'when you're older, dear'. The kid leaves, and walks into the bathroom, where she sees her dad's penis. She asks 'What's that daddy?' to whihc her father replies 'This is my cock, dear'.

'When do I get that?'

'In about fifteen minutes when your mother goes to the store'.

buckfan

11-29-2007, 2:49 PM

buckfan

11-29-2007, 6:30 PM

At the risk of getting banned i'm going to tell a really horrible joke and bump this thread

Ok, How do you know if your girlfriend is too young for you?

When you have to make airplane noises to make her suck your cock.

I was telling this joke all day at school today. I almost told my teacher but my friend put her hand over my mouth.

Tweek

11-29-2007, 8:10 PM

No they're not,
but whoever said that couldn't understand that theres a chance that someone that decided to join not too long ago could stumble upon this thread before they get 50 posts.
Because that's just unimaginable.
Well, the amount of dirty ass motherfucking noobs like you that are coming into this thread is astounding to say the least.

A man walks into a bar and says ouch.

Read this again when I reach 50 posts; it'll be funny then.
Haha Vany, you're so funny. :indiff:
The point is not that having over 50 posts will make a joke funny, but that having under 50 posts will make you a cocksucking noob.

Tweek, please, for the love of god. Close this thread.
Done. Thanks to the guys like Quadros who actually were funny, no thanks to those who broke the very simple rules.