Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen: Teeth

[Matt]

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/matt/movie-reviews/logo.jpghttp://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/matt/movie-reviews/teeth.jpg

I like movies. I'm mainly a fan of comedy films, but I do enjoy a good drama/horror film every now and then. Rarely do those genres blend well together, though (and no, I'm not counting horror spoofs). So I was quite pleased when I came across Teeth (http://www.apple.com/trailers/independent/teeth/), an independent drama from Roadside Attractions.

Teeth stars the woman you see above (Jess Weixler). We know she is a woman because she has a vagina. This woman's vagina is different, though. "How is it different," you say? "Is it actually a penis," you say? No. This woman's vagina has teeth. Teeth growing in her vagina. Gynecologist: "What... what did you put in here?"[MORE]

I don't know how anybody comes up with ideas for a movie like this, but I think once you have the idea the story just sorta writes itself. Her toothed vagina starts attacking people. Obviously. So when anybody has sex with her, their dicks are bitten off.

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/matt/movie-reviews/teeth-screen.jpg
That hurts just to think about.


Once the premise is set the movie really gets going! More guys try to have sex with her and they get their dicks bitten off. One would think that upon realizing the vagina he is now penetrating has teeth, he'd stop. The actress is a normal looking, marginally attractive girl, so it's not like these guys are doing Jessica Alba and thinking "screw it, this is worth it!" (And let's be honest, a fair amount of guys would totally trade having their dicks bitten off to sleep with Alba.) But alas, they carry on. Bye bye, wieners.

The film also co-stars John Hensley who gives a stunning performance as the girl's bad boy stepbrother who, of course, gets it on with her. Hensley is best known for his role on FX's Nip/Tuck. Now I don't watch the show, but I remember flipping through the channels once and seeing a scene where Hensley's character tried to give himself a circumcision. It could just be coincidence, but it seems like he has a penchant for taking roles that involve penile mutilation a little too often. His sideburns in the movie totally make up for that, though.

Now, if a movie about a killer vagina that eats people wasn't enough, the icing on the cake comes by ending the trailer with... Poison lyrics.

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/matt/movie-reviews/teeth-screen2.jpg
Classy.


The movie is billed as a drama, but it's gotta be a horror/comedy at heart. It's sorta like a Troma film, but with better production, better special effects, and more vaginas with teeth in them.

:thup: Ironically Recommended

[Mr Anorexia]

Are they comparing vaginas to roses? Sick!!!!

[Love_me_like_a_lion]

This is not a review this is a preview.

[FlAkEs]

lol! that's weird!

[The Muffin Man]

Who the hell comes up with plots like these? Teethed vaginas? Damn people ran out of ideas, I guess they ran out of sequals too.

[Matt]

This is not a review this is a preview.
No, that's gotta be the whole film. The vagina eats people and then it ends.

[Battery Patient Xib]

Why would she not tell the guys she has a dick eating vagina?
I mean, I can understand the first guy.. I suppose.
But after the second or third, I don't think it'd have gone away.

[FlAkEs]

maybe it's a surprise for the guys...

[Grim]

or maybe she doesn't know. Not until the end of the movie.

[ARobinson]

or maybe she doesn't know. Not until the end of the movie.

how would you not know that your vagina has teeth? honestly.

[Goblin Boy]

how would you not know that your vagina has teeth? honestly.

Could've just as easily been Pillowpants the pussy troll. Pre-marital coitus is bad kids!

[Knight of Cydonia]

Just watched the preview on youtube. Looks like a weird ass movie. Just putting it out their: Would you see the toothed vagina? But seriously who the hell will watch this movie?

[0-o-0-o-0]

After this, there's only one thing I can say: Support anal.


Great article. :clap:

[Hickabod]

What year is this Movie? Issit out or what?

[Assassin]

I read about this somewhere. Also, am I the only one who immediately thought about Ert?

[Tweek]

I thought this movie was made up.
I guess not.

[giubee]

Ok wow... what a S.T.D

But seriously how would you not notice a vagina with teeth in it. How stupid could you be?

[Grim]

Ok wow... what a S.T.D

But seriously how would you not notice a vagina with teeth in it. How stupid could you be?
There can be very stupid people. For example, theres one extremely stupid blond in my school. (Not saying all blonds are stupid, just this one.) Let me tell you how so. One day in World History Accelerated on the last day before break, we were playing a game. And the teacher asked the blond "what is happening this coming Tuesday?" She didn't even know the answer to that. So he reworded the question to "what is happening this coming Tuesday, the 25th?" Her answer was "Christmas is on a Tuesday and on the 25th?" We all laughed. (Note: she also gasped and sat up straight, surprised.) Thats just one out of many examples.

[RADical19]

i agree with Matt
how DO people come up with ideas like this movie ?! O_O
the story sounds interestingly odd...

hmm..

[RADical19]

Why would she not tell the guys she has a dick eating vagina?
I mean, I can understand the first guy.. I suppose.
But after the second or third, I don't think it'd have gone away.

I AGREE
as if you wouldnt tell the guys after the first time...

[XToolX]

I, for one, have never heard of such a theme!

[Wonder Woman]

i wonder if the stupid writers of this movie will attempt a sequel. maybe it will be called NAILS or something even more retarded.

[CnGy]

Dentat...it's latin for teeth" girl's voice sounds autistic lol

[Bluesummers]

...When she needs medical care, does she see the OBGYN or an orthodontist?

Flossing must be interesting.

[Bobo-Bob]

I wonder if she ever brush her teeth.

[Knight of Cydonia]

I, for one, have never heard of such a theme!
Yeh I cat believe everyone is saying: Who comes up with these idea's? Working on a space station had a toothed vagina. Maybe the creator was a C&H fan.

[BKS]

Hm, I'm surprised she still has all her fingers.

[GnR]

She can get a job at the circus.

[peeley]

Jesus, a rose? They compared a vagina to a rose?!?!? A cherry maybe. But a rose?!?!

[jiminymacca]

and along comes the french guy who loses his tongue

[Whorelock]

I really don't think I'll ever bring myself to see this movie.

[Assassin]

why is everyone so negative? this is fucking awesome

[TomSFox]

I've seen a similar movie about killer condoms, once.

Edit: Found you a trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqxEdzPakOI
By the way, please don't judge German cinema by it.

[Matt]

why is everyone so negative? this is fucking awesome
Really. It actually looks entertaining as hell. It's ridiculous, but that's what makes it awesome.

[Knight of Cydonia]

I've seen a similar movie about killer condoms, once.

Edit: Found you a trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqxEdzPakOI
By the way, please don't judge German cinema by it.

Woah.. That looks really weird and crap.

[Candystripe]

I've seen a similar movie about killer condoms, once.


They actually have shit kind of like this....the rape condom or something. It's like a female condom but it's got crazy microscopic barbed wire "teeth" so guys get fucked over (nopun intended) and have to go to the hospital to get the thing removed. I never understood why that would work well though. What woman thinks "oh, tonight I feel like I might get raped, let's stick this lethal dick-killer condom in my vagina just in case"? Dono.

Why would she not tell the guys she has a dick eating vagina?
I mean, I can understand the first guy.. I suppose.
But after the second or third, I don't think it'd have gone away.

I saw the trailer and read some reviews earlier in December, and apparently, some guy(s) try to rape her, so obviously she wouldn't tell them. Meh....I sure as hell hope I would know if I have teeth in my vagina.

Also, apparently the "toothed vagina" (aka vagina dentata, which litterally means "toothed sheath" in Latin...woo Latin scholar!) is a myth from lots of different places, mostly tribes from the Americas. These are ancient myths, obviously, but hilarious.

Looks like a retarded movie, but fun anyway.

[TomSFox]

Woah.. That looks really weird and crap.

Yeah... I know.
That's why I said, don't judge German cinema by it.
It has really good movies and comedies as well.

Edit:
They actually have shit kind of like this....the rape condom or something. It's like a female condom but it's got crazy microscopic barbed wire "teeth" so guys get fucked over (nopun intended) and have to go to the hospital to get the thing removed.
That doesn't seem safe (obviously).
Can't the woman hurt herself with it?

Also, apparently the "toothed vagina" (aka vagina dentata, which litterally means "toothed sheath" in Latin...woo Latin scholar!) is a myth from lots of different places, mostly tribes from the Americas. These are ancient myths, obviously, but hilarious.
I've read that so-called dermoid cysts can evolve into fully-developed teeth, for example in the vagina, but you can't bite with them.
I don't know if that's true, though.

[John Travolta]

I've met one like this. I believe her name was Your Mom.

[Veloxyll]

I have but one question: Where can I get a copy. This sounds so ridiculous and awesome that I must see it!

[Mirrorman]

Just saw the trailer, and it looks so fucking funny that I have to see this.

[Soul]

I wonder what happens to the dicks after fer vagina bites them off. Does the vagina eat the dicks or just spit them back out?

[John Travolta]

The vagina breaks their atoms and nuclear fission causes the world to explode.

[ARobinson]

is it supposed to be funny? i would think so because no one could take this seriously...unless they got their dicks cut off by the anti-rape thing or had the misfortune of sleeping with a girl who had teeth in her vagina.

[angler]

In Soviet Russia, vagina eats you!

[MaxAlcolo]

I want to see that. It has to be at least at little entertaining.
I wonder how many dildos she goes through a month.

[TickleMeThenBite]

I wonder if she will get dentures when she's old.

[9volt]

I want to see this movie badly :hail: it looks like it'll be the biggest hit of the year in '08!! where can i find this movie? :goofy:

[I_Smell]

I honestly think "Reviews of Movies We Haven't Seen" was a pretty fuckin stupid thing to write an article about.

[BartS]

Does she still have all of her fingers?

[Mirrorman]

I wonder what happens to the dicks after fer vagina bites them off. Does the vagina eat the dicks or just spit them back out?

Thats exactly what I asked my mates today when this movie came to discussion.

[ninjaaa]

I'm jealous..
I wish i had teeth growing out of MY vagina :/

[Idioteque]

I want to see this movie badly :hail: it looks like it'll be the biggest hit of the year in '08!! where can i find this movie? :goofy:

Its already been released...I believe it was at Sundance Film Festival last year.

[Oofie]

Also, am I the only one who immediately thought about Ert?

I was instantly reminded of the bear trap mod too.

Looks like a fun movie

[Spastic]

I actually have watched this movie before, and it is one fucking hilarious movie. I would recommend it to anyone, seeing as how there is really a toothy vagina horror genre so you will probably never have seen anything like this.

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

I've seen a similar movie about killer condoms, once.

Edit: Found you a trailer: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jqxEdzPakOI
By the way, please don't judge German cinema by it.
That's one of the funniest things I've seen in ages. I was hoping to myself it was a serious film unfortunateley it is a comedy movie, but if the movie is as funny as that trailer that'd be the best movie ever.

[Shabadabadoo]

Maybe, the girl's vagina has a mind of it's own like in that South Park where Oprah's vagina takes control of her, and she and her vagina are working together to kill men.

[SuEsq]

...When she needs medical care, does she see the OBGYN or an orthodontist?

Flossing must be interesting.
That's pretty funny.
This is pure coked up genius. Takes B movies to a whole new level.

[mENTALtAN]

Black Sheep rings a bell here.

[Sphinctor]

My friend (Who's a girl) told me about the anti rape thing. Oh yeah, and there's also SPIKED TAMPONS that stab your dick in the worst spot possible.

I say they make em for men, we get raped too!

[Dviri]

I wonder what who was smoking when they thought that up, and where can I get some of it?

[mENTALtAN]

I say they make em for men, we get raped too!

How the hell does a girl rape a guy? I just can't picture it.
"NO! NO, NO STOP! STO- Oh, now I see where you're going with this."

[TomSFox]

Can we make a rule against stealing Family Guy quotes?

And yes, rape by women does exist!

[Candystripe]

Oh yeah, and there's also SPIKED TAMPONS that stab your dick in the worst spot possible.

Augh, I wouldn't want to put that in my body.


That doesn't seem safe (obviously).
Can't the woman hurt herself with it?

Yeah, that's kind of a worry. I won't be the one using it anytime soon. I don't know if they still sell those (or where).


I've read that so-called dermoid cysts can evolve into fully-developed teeth, for example in the vagina, but you can't bite with them.


Uhhh...that sounds a bit wrong, but I can imagine cysts becoming like...hard or something, like cartilage. That's super gross, though, and if you're at that point you probably need serious medical help. And then those aren't teeth, just like....hard tumors.


This movie looks super fun. I'm definitely going to go find a way to see it with my friends so we can laugh about it for days. It also kind of makes me want to stick those Halloween teeth or dentures up there when I see a gynecologist....just to freak him/her out.

[esteliflores]

JAJAJAJAJA i DON'T really imagine that poor woman's life xDDD just with thinkin' that using toothpaste instead of lub, or one of her thongs as dental floss for her vagina, it HILARIOUS xDDDDD
applauses for Mark, 'cause he gave us this info :D
kisses for all :*

[esteliflores]

OMG! JAJAJAJAJA i made a mistake :$
it Matt, not Mark xD
sorry :$

[Metzelei]

mattttttttttt
you would review a movie like this
btw,
im thinking of watching this with my girlfriend ;D

[Solacia]

Teethed vaginas eating dicks...
Psyhco, cannibal vagina or something.

[McFreddy]

No, that's gotta be the whole film. The vagina eats people and then it ends.


The producer must be some sick weirdo with no imagination

[LoveeLikeWinter]

I've seen the movie and I don't reccomend it. It has a bunch of scenes with half-eaten dicks and fingers. Ew.
It does have some comedy in it.
Oh and by the way, she has sex with her stepbrother just to get back at him for killing her mother. So she bites his dick off...
And it doesn't just randomly happen, it's only when she's threatened.
It's like a greek legend called... something denti I believe...

But again, don't see it just because you're curious. It was probably made by someone who had too much time on their hands and too much crack. >_>

[Casalen]

I really don't understand people saying this isn't creative and someone has too much time on their hands. I'd like you to name all the other movies that have used this plot. There aren't a lot, which makes this pretty original. And creative. Rehashing mainstream storylines isn't the only way to be a filmmaker, it may be the worst way.

That said, it wasn't a very good movie. Well shot, but the writing could really have used some work. It didn't go far enough in any one direction on the type of concept, seemed really unsure of itself.

[mojoweub]

haha i have actually seen this movie a couple of times actually and it is at any blockbuster to rent and all it really does is preach abstinence i have noticed and it is a little strange at first but after a while it gets hilarious and i would recommend it to anyone

[Gilligan]

I read about this somewhere. Also, am I the only one who immediately thought about Ert?
Someone mentioned the movie in the spame a bit ago and I thought it was about ert and that they just made it up.

So do they show this toothed vagina or what?

JAJAJAJAJA i DON'T really imagine that poor woman's life xDDD just with thinkin' that using toothpaste instead of lub, or one of her thongs as dental floss for her vagina, it HILARIOUS xDDDDD
applauses for Mark, 'cause he gave us this info :D
kisses for all :*

WTF?

[KerriLeigh]

To me this film sound like some sadist porn addict decided to make a film! Gross... :(

[BenMonster]

I've had the displeasure of actually seeing this film. The trailer looked funny and disturbing at the same time. Yeah ...
It's a vaj with teeth that munches rapesits manhoods. There's just no plot. And the acting is crud. Pffft.

[MrDoctor]

Do you think this would get a girl in the mood or should we watch something else first?

[Matt]

In the mood for what? Sex? No. Murder? Yes.

[Lintlicker]

I saw this movie last month and I thought it was a great concept and done pretty well. The whole movie had this weird atmosphere to it.

To clear up some stuff without giving much away, she was a Christian and made a vow of celibacy. So she hadn't much experience with things entering her forbidden zone. The teeth also only came out when she was stressed or angry, They also weren't at the opening so couldn't be easily seen.

It had some awesome moments in it. Like when her vagina had its first taste of flesh and she later went back to the spot only to see a crab munching on the dick. That had me laughing pretty darn hard. And the whole scene at the gyno office. Good stuff.

[white_womans_dream]

VAGINA DENTATA VAGINA DENTATA!!

Classy movie. The acting was terrible, and the only times I laughed were out of pure shock. I'm kind of sad that you never actually get to see the teeth, but the bloody stumps were terrible/hilarious. Basically the entire movie was to preach for abstinence, with the moral being "Don't rape people, they might just have teeth in their vagina." And sex with her step brother? Gross.

[Subways4life]

I thought of two things:

1. Braces/retainer.

2. The occurence of "biting your tongue"

I haven't watched this movie and I don't intend to.