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The Pirate
01-09-2008, 9:07 PM
Prologue
Ike Tillman looked out into the darkness of the forest. He hadn’t eaten for days, other than the occasional leftovers of a rabbit or field mouse he was lucky enough to find, and the past few nights had been entirely sleepless. He looked up at the blood-red moon and shuddered. He had heard stories of a time when the sky was free of pollution, and the moon shone white in the sky. It was hard to believe that only a few centuries ago the Earth was actually a beautiful place. They had taken it for granted. Nobody ever thought that it would turn out this way. The signs were all there, of course, but nobody truly believed it. Their ignorance was their downfall.
Ike sighed as he continued walking. He looked for the slightest sign of a nearby animal, hoping, praying that he would get a chance to eat. The only sound was that of leaves crunching beneath his feet and the distant chirp of cicadas. His feet were sore and his throat was dry as dust, and he knew he had no choice but to find a place to sleep, as risky as it was. He cleared a small section of leaves, revealing the dead grass below. After checking carefully for nests, he pulled the leaves back over him, making sure that he was entirely hidden. He closed his eyes, and prayed he wouldn’t wake up.




April 6, 2364
Ike Tillman woke to the sound of gunfire and peered between the boards on the window. He watched in horror as people were chased by masked men in black robes. They grabbed children off of the streets and killed anyone who tried to get in their way. Ike ran into his father’s room and saw him loading a black handgun, with another sheaved in his back pocket. “What’s going on daddy?” he asked as a huge crash sounded at the door. “Why are those people getting shot?”
“There’s no time to explain,” he said hurriedly as another crash sounded. “You have to hide. Do you know how to use one of these?” he asked, holding out the pistol.
“I think so” Ike said quietly.
“Stay in that closet, and don’t open the door for anyone but me. If one of those masked men comes near you, don’t be afraid to…” He didn’t have time to finish. Ike took the gun and ran into the closet as two of the masked men burst through the door. He heard their footsteps as they walked into the bedroom.
“Where is the child?” one of the men asked.
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” Ike’s father said, trying to hide the shear terror in his voice.
“Do you take us for fools?” another asked. “We know he’s here. Tell us now and we may just spare his life.
“I’m telling you, I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he said. “I don’t have any children.”
“This is your last chance, Shaun” The man said as he lifted the gun. Where is the child?”
“I would rather die.” he said finally.
“Suit yourself.” The man said as he pulled the trigger. A loud blast rang out, followed by a thud as Ike’s father fell to the ground.
“No!” Ike screamed from the closet. “Daddy!” There was a small silence followed by slow footsteps coming toward the closet door. Tears ran down Ike’s face as he raised the gun. The doorknob began to turn, and he fired. The bullet tore straight through the thin plywood and a scream came from the other side. He quickly opened the door and saw the other masked man kneeling next to fallen one. He looked down at his fallen comrade and removed the crimson mask from his face. He was completely numb, staring down with an empty glare. After a few seconds, he snapped back into focus and looked at Ike. He tried to remove the gun from the man’s bloody hand, but Ike fired once more, leaving him sprawled on the floor.
Ike stumbled over to his father and sat down beside him. There was a large wound on his chest. “Wake up Daddy,” he whispered. “Don’t die daddy, you can’t die.” He sat there for hours, hot tears streaming down his cheeks. He knew that his father was gone.

Spiffy13
01-09-2008, 10:07 PM
I actually liked that. Kind of reminded me of I Am Legend (probably 'caus I saw it recently). The writing style also minding me that of H.P. Lovecraft.

Keep up the good work :smile:

Ace991
01-09-2008, 10:14 PM
It seems like a good introduction to what will hopefully be a good story. Just some constructive criticism though. It seems that the whole second paragraph could use some embellishing to help explain what happened, unless of course the goal of the story is for Ike to find out what happened.

Also, I loved the third paragraph.

gizzalove
01-10-2008, 12:06 AM
Wow that really hooks you. I can't want for more it was great. In my head I'm thinking repopulation.

Godly
01-10-2008, 4:07 PM
A lot of the middle paragraph was completely useless and slightly boring. And I guess that once you keep writing we'll understand why he does what he does in the last paragraph.

So far it's ok, but nothing really good. I'd say try making it more of a story, less of a recount of how stuff is and why, and more of how he has to cope or whatever. But I understand that it's only the prologue, but think about it, it will be the first thing people will read. Make it more interesting and make sure theres no useless stuff.

IMO

Silverpaperplate
01-11-2008, 9:09 AM
I'll start out with some criticism. Especially the part where you explain about how earth's population had been wiped out. You carefully explained paragraph were completely useless.

Everything they had was linked to the resources they were provided. First to go was the oil. Without that, there was nothing to fuel the vehicles which transported food and supplies. Without transportation to carry the coal and natural gasses, or a way to carry nuclear waste for disposal, most of the Earth’s power was eliminated. Without electricity to operate the water-pumps, they soon lost plumbing as well.

You could pretty much cut all that out a put in a paragraph with Ike doing something or thinking about his long lost family. Just something in short. It's called leaving blanks. You don't need to explain everything because if you just give a notice about how Earth's population is dying, and the sky is polluted, people will figure the rest out pretty fast.

I have to admit I really, really liked this. Especially "He closed his eyes, and prayed he wouldn’t wake up."
That sentence was a beautiful and gruesome way to end the prologue, and really caught my attention to what state of mind this boy was in.

All in all you're a good writer; you just need to look at your work and not be afraid to cut an edge here and there.
Writing is after all one of the few artistic crafts where your imagination have to be most disciplined in order to make the story convincing.

green rubber bands
01-11-2008, 4:07 PM
The beginning and end were good, but the middle is where you kinda lost me, and that's the most important part.

Overall, I would use longer sentences and more descriptive adjectives. It would also probably be helpful to have a general idea of where you want your story to go.

Idioteque
01-12-2008, 9:50 AM
Everything they had was linked to the resources they were provided. First to go was the oil. Without that, there was nothing to fuel the vehicles which transported food and supplies. Without transportation to carry the coal and natural gasses, or a way to carry nuclear waste for disposal, most of the Earth’s power was eliminated. Without electricity to operate the water-pumps, they soon lost plumbing as well. Within a decade over ninety percent of the human population was wiped out, and the only survivors were those who were willing to kill for their food. People did anything they could to survive, sometimes even resorting to cannibalism. Medicines were short in supply and even small illnesses were deadly. Soon, only those who could live off of the land survived.
I think all of this paragraph could be shortened or removed entirely, it really breaks up the flow of what is shaping up to be an incredible story.
Can't wait for the next section!

The Pirate
01-21-2008, 2:09 PM
Alright, I took you're advice into account (all of you) and finally found some time to get more done on the story. I'll have even more soon, but in the meantime, please critique. Thanks for the compliments by the way.

I decided not to have the story go in complete chronological order, it's gonna flip-flop a lot between different times. and I do have a good idea of where it's going now.

CharlieH
01-28-2008, 6:37 AM
Please, for the love of god carry on with this story.

Audioslave
01-28-2008, 10:48 AM
It's a good plot.

As far as the actual writing goes, it's fairly primitive. It's more or less what you would find in a lot of best selling thrillers/sci-fi books (that's a compliment, I suppose.) It's fairly thin, writing-wise, which is usually good if you intend on writing a book.

The plot is creative and seems like it is going somewhere, but two words of advice:

1. Write a beginning. You really haven't done that, considering you jump right into climax of the introduction. You need to set up the character/situation first (other than that little bit at the very beginning.)

2. Write the end. It seems to me like you said "This would be a cool premise." Which it is, but you'll find yourself changing your idea of where story will go so many times that it will be incredibly convoluted. You're better off deciding where it starts from and where it's going to end up to avoid confusion.

CharlieH
01-28-2008, 11:16 AM
Also, before you kill and influential characters, make sure the audience cares about them.