PDA

View Full Version : Proletarian (Humano)


Audioslave
01-22-2008, 7:29 PM
Oi, you. Yeah you. Ya dirty bourgeoisie, tell me what you think of this pile of words. Does it flow? Is it legible? Enjoyable to read? Artistic masterpiece? Pile of crap? Question mark?


I slipped through the soiled street, passing through the stench of 100 years of poverty. This is what we were promised? The barren, un-profitable land of a raped god? At least before the revolution, we felt like people, now we are words, numbers and figures. I try and tell the others that God has left this place; he was paid off and then was killed for his greed as he tried to double-cross El Diablo. God would not be able to smell his people's decomposing bodies without having to act. My body is rotting from the inside out. It began in my heart, slipping through my veins, into my brain, before escaping through my mouth in word-form. When it cannot escape fast enough, these rogue thoughts seep out my ears. I cannot work, I have lost the will. I could all the time and still have no money for food. I used to have endless bowls of rice, now I have a single, malcontented grain. I go through the streets and see crosses, I whisper that religion is for the full, apathy is for the hungry. I go to church and they mock me with their wafers. The body of Christ is not a body, it is a precursor to hunger, the concentrated hypocrisy of those in power. I will go hungry unless I live to see the next revolution. My bony hands will fight for the faction that will let me eat and drink like a man, not grovel like a pig.

The sun above me is growing too hot. It seeks to quell these revolutions by melting the people like a magnifying glass to ants, yet I am not angry. How can I be angry when there is not enough emotion to go around? I will not steal the feelings of another man, for I have no use for them. Men have killed for more trivial things, and they have died for less. All the nothing that I have today is thanks to war, and the best things I have loved and lost have come and gone because of the profitable bitch. A flourish of trumpets sounds as I lead the charge. My stomach cries out a battle call for everyone else to hear. All the country heeds my hungry cry, and collectively vow to go on being hungry.

The Pirate
01-22-2008, 7:57 PM
If this is part of a story you're writing, it needs a beginning, and if this is the whole story, it needs to be a bit more clear. There's a difference between being profound and making people say "what the hell?" (You're story did both btw)

Is this supposed to show the pain of third-world countries? That's how I saw it.

Edit: just looked up Proletarian, I see what this is getting at now

Audioslave
01-22-2008, 8:36 PM
This really isn't a part of anything, just a short story. You're not really supposed to understand this man's life, instead you're supposed to feel his what he's feeling. If I failed at that, I failed at the story.

abbey
01-22-2008, 8:46 PM
The only bad thing I can give critique on is a typo. Second sentence, second paragraph, you forgot to capitalize "it"

But that's really good. Like REALLY good. If you wrote a book, I'd definitely read it.

Audioslave
01-22-2008, 8:48 PM
Ar! Right you are. Thanks for catching that.

Antisaint
01-22-2008, 9:05 PM
Wow. You did a wonderful job of portraying the character's emotion, I felt like I was there (wherever there is). For some reason, I thought of medieval London when I tried to picture his location.

Another typo: halfway into the first paragraph "rouge" instead of "rogue"

Audioslave
01-22-2008, 9:15 PM
Actually, I thought of a more Southern setting (Cuba, ironically enough) hence the alternate title being "Humano"

Thanks for that other correction

Tweek
01-23-2008, 1:43 AM
I don't think it conveyed the emotion quite right, but it came close.
I can't put my finger on exactly what needs to be altered.

Godly
01-24-2008, 7:37 PM
It, uhh, well it didn't really do it for me, something about it just didn't convey anything to me. I don't know if it's the story, or how it was written, which by the way was very well, but it just didn't mark me much.

I'll give you a Commended out of 5.

Dexide
01-27-2008, 7:22 PM
This was AMAZING. I honestly loved this piece of literature. I honestly can not find a flaw in this. You are my new hero Audioslave.

JW
01-28-2008, 4:43 AM
All the nothing that I have today is thanks to war,

That part just doesn't seem right to me.

Audioslave
01-28-2008, 5:25 AM
That part just doesn't seem right to me.

No, that's right. It's a paradox.