untitled story.

[Grim]

My story that I'm working on right now is unfinished. I'm still working on Chapter 1. So I have decided to show you guys what I have so far.

Assault of the white dragons.


Zack drew his sword. He looked at his brother and yelled out his name. The brother laughed, turned around and said "I'm surprised you survived my traps." Zack looked at his brother angrily. He got ready to fight. "So, you want to fight your younger brother?" Just then Tom was charging his spell, Ultima. "Well if its fight you want, it’s a fight you'll get." Zack saw the spell coming a mile away; he jumped, dodges the attack then sliced his brother. Out of no were there was an evil laughter. Tom teleported behind Zack and attempted to hit Zack.

Just then Zack woke up. Out of breath he decided to get a glass of water. Zack was in his early twenties. He’s like your average human being. He wares black shirts and blue baggy jeans. Has brown hair. But there are some things that aren’t normal about Zack. His left eye is green while the right one is blue. Even though he doesn’t look it, he’s very strong and he can jump really high. He can jump half way up the empire state building. On his way down the stairs Zack noticed that people where running away from some things. He didn’t know what they were running away from. He decided to go out and check it out.

When Zack went outside he noticed that one of his friends was fighting a white dragon. Just then more dragons came out of a portal. “Zack, I need your help fighting these dragons!” Zack ran towards Matt and asked “how can I fight if I don’t have a weapon?” “Here, use this” Matt said as he tossed a sword to Zack. “It’s the Twin Blade if you’re wondering.” Matt said. Zack looked at the sword, and then at the dragon, lifted the sword with both hands. Zack looked at the dragon as it was flying up to get ready to attack. Before he knew it, Zack was in the air and sliced the dragon like it was paper. Another dragon flew towards Zack; Zack landed on the dragon, jumped off, sliced another, landed back onto the ground, and then sliced the dragon that he jumped off of.

A few hours later the dragons stopped coming out of the portal. Matt and Zack where getting a little tired now. Matt looked at Zack and said “I guess it’s over.” “Don’t be so sure Matt; the queen is coming, prepare your self.” Matt looked befuddled at this. “How do you know this Zack?” Zack pointed towards the portal and said “the portal isn’t closing.” “I guess your right Zack.” Just then this big dragon came out of the portal; it was bigger than the other dragons. It was big, powerful but slow compared to the other dragons. Matt and Zack both ran towards the dragon, along the way they met up with Zack’s girlfriend Luna. Luna had long black hair, she always had a staff, because she was a white mage, and she had a white robe hood down, to resemble that she was a white mage. She looked at the two and asked “so, you two are going to fight this white dragon?” Zack drew out his sword and Matt drew out his daggers. “I’m taking that as a yes, also Zack where did you get the Twin Blade?” Zack pointed at Matt, Luna nodded.

So, what do you guys think of it so far?

[Pyro]

Well, honestly it's lacking, in almost every compartment. It's like a mish-mash of every fantasy rpg game/movie/book to date. It's not awful because your grammar is relatively decent, but the concept of some random people killing some random dragons in who knows where isn't that interesting.

[Grim]

Well, honestly it's lacking, in almost every compartment. It's like a mish-mash of every fantasy rpg game/movie/book to date. It's not awful because your grammar is relatively decent, but the concept of some random people killing some random dragons in who knows where isn't that interesting.

Like I said, its not finished, a lot of questions will be answered later on in the book.

[Dexide]

I like it, It sounds pretty good, but some of the dialouge was... I'm not sure, it just didn't seem right. Even if I went out and fought some dragons, I wouldn't say "I need your help fighting these dragons!" And at some points I was confused, he is a normal boy who wears black shirts and blue jeans, in a time period with mages and swords? Also, Luna just sort of pops up out of no where. And the first paragraph had a few flaws, Tom is just referred to as "the brother" and it took me a second to realise Tom was "the brother." Lastly, it all seemed very Final Fantasy-ish, (i.e. White Mages, Ultima, and Twin Blade.)

Now that I'm done finding every little flaw, I think you could turn this into a really good work of fiction, all in all, I would give what you have so far a 6/10, I understand this is a first draft, and things will be explained later, and you can definatly make this better with a little work.

[Grim]

but some of the dialouge was... I'm not sure, it just didn't seem right. Ya, one of my flaws with writing is dialog.


And at some points I was confused, he is a normal boy who wears black shirts and blue jeans, in a time period with mages and swords? Ah well heres the thing, he isn't a normal boy. Questions will be answered latter on in the book.

Also, Luna just sort of pops up out of no where. And the first paragraph had a few flaws, Tom is just referred to as "the brother" and it took me a second to realise Tom was "the brother." Ya with these I'm going to add/change some things.

Lastly, it all seemed very Final Fantasy-ish, (i.e. White Mages, Ultima, and Twin Blade.) Ya, I planed it like that. Theres some things from the games in the book. But to be honest I didn't know that Twin Blade is in one of the Final Fantasy games.

[abbey]

That's crap, dude.

It sounds like something a 12 year old, fantasy obsessed boy would write.

1. Characters
They have no personality. Zack is a super-human blah blah blah. He needs flaws, or else it's too hard to relate to him or even care about him.

2. Spelling/Grammar
You need to do a better job of editing this. I spotted like 5 mistakes that spell-check won't catch. (your/you're. your self/yourself.)

3. Overall Flow
It just doesn't flow at all, really. It moves too fast. He fights, he wakes up, he fights again. It doesn't give the reader time to get to know Zack (not that he even has any defining characteristics). Also the last paragraph has a couple repetitions that don't need to be there (other dragons, white mage).

My advice: stick to video games. Writing is not for you. If you're set on writing a book, read some more books first. Get a feel for how things are described and pay attention to how the author gets you to identify with the characters.

[Fodniethan]

You need to learn about punctuation in speech. Also there's a new line when a new person speaks.

Just out of interest, how old are you?

[WillJ.]

You don't use pronouns and it makes it read really jerkily. It's alwys Zack does this, Zack does that. Would read much better using Zack did this then that or Zack did this then he did that.

Hope you understand what I mean

[Oofie]

It's clichéd and childish.

She always had a staff, because she was a white mage, and she had a white robe hood down, to resemble that she was a white mage.
Look up the word 'resemble', I don't think you know what it means, and you don't need to mention she's a white mage twice in the same sentence. And if they are running towards a massive dragon, why would they just stop for a chat with Luna, who just happens to be casually hanging around the entrance to the portal?

And I'm with Vag/Ricky Bobby, needs more character development and it really just doesn't flow.

[BKS]

Zack drew his sword. He looked at his brother and yelled out his name. The brother laughed, turned around and said "I'm surprised you survived my traps." Zack looked at his brother angrily. He got ready to fight. "So, you want to fight your younger brother?" Just then Tom was charging his spell, Ultima.

It comes across. Like this a bit. Too much. Although the story might. Be good you better. Go back through and fix the writing style.


“How do you know this Zack?”
This bit of speaking in particular bugged me. It comes across as very basic and I couldn't picture someone saying that, without some sort of comma usage thrown in.

[Audioslave]

There's no redeeming qualities. Do you know what a story is? Book? Literature? Creative writing? It's not just "When Zack went outside he noticed that one of his friends was fighting a white dragon."

Stop writing this book. Go pick up an author that appeals to your tastes (Not J.R.R Tolkein), read the book, take notes, then write a completely different story.

[Quadros]

Zack drew his sword. He looked at his brother and yelled out his name. The brother laughed, turned around and said "I'm surprised you survived my traps." Zack looked at his brother angrily. He got ready to fight. "So, you want to fight your younger brother?" Just then Tom was charging his spell, Ultima. "Well if its fight you want, it’s a fight you'll get." Zack saw the spell coming a mile away; he jumped, dodges the attack then sliced his brother. Out of no were there was an evil laughter. Tom teleported behind Zack and attempted to hit Zack.
The entire story, but this bit in partucular, is very static and stop-start. The sentences are so small that there's no flow. You're not writing a story, you're just describing a sequence of rediculously improbable events. I just imagine the words 'And then' at the start of pretty much every sentence, which isn't good at all.


Just then Zack woke up.
NO! I stopped using that 'device' when I was eight. You should too.

Out of breath he decided to get a glass of water. Zack was in his early twenties. He’s like your average human being. He wares black shirts and blue baggy jeans. Has brown hair. But there are some things that aren’t normal about Zack. His left eye is green while the right one is blue. Even though he doesn’t look it, he’s very strong and he can jump really high. He can jump half way up the empire state building. On his way down the stairs Zack noticed that people where running away from some things. He didn’t know what they were running away from. He decided to go out and check it out.

A descrition of a person isn't a list of attributes. You need your readers to feel the character. Build the description into your story. Don't SAY how high he can jump, SHOW it. Also you litteraly just pasted a random description of him into the middle of the story. There's no flow at all, it's just suddenly there. Which isn't dynamic or actiony, it's just crap.

When Zack went outside he noticed that one of his friends was fighting a white dragon.
What. The. Fuck? I hate to tell you this, but that shit doesn't 'just happen'. I understand you want to reveal things as they happen, but shit son, little details like WHAT THE FUCK'S GOING ON AND WHERE THE FUCK IT'S HAPPENING? That's the kind of shit your readers really need to know.

Just then more dragons came out of a portal.
See above.
“Zack, I need your help fighting these dragons!”
Who says this? The dragons, the portal, a random bystancer? I know the most logical person would be This friend you haven't even fucking introduced yet, but if you introduce diologue it generally HAS TO BE SAID BY SOMEONE. At the moment your readers know less about the immediate action than your characters do. That's great for a mysterious story line, but not for an instant action sequence.

Zack ran towards Matt and asked “how can I fight if I don’t have a weapon?” “Here, use this” Matt said as he tossed a sword to Zack. “It’s the Twin Blade if you’re wondering.” Matt said.
Ok so no new lines for dialogue? Also 'Matt said', 'Matt said'. Not 'Matt yelled', or 'Matt shouted, above the din of screeching drakes'? This story is cardboard.

Zack looked at the sword, and then at the dragon, lifted the sword with both hands. Zack looked at the dragon as it was flying up to get ready to attack. Before he knew it, Zack was in the air and sliced the dragon like it was paper. Another dragon flew towards Zack; Zack landed on the dragon, jumped off, sliced another, landed back onto the ground, and then sliced the dragon that he jumped off of.
BORING. You have made aereal combat with dragons BORING. There's no decription, nothing that siezes you and makes you live the moment. Also, the bolded sentence is missing an 'and then'. So throw it out.

A few hours later the dragons stopped coming out of the portal. Matt and Zack where getting a little tired now. Matt looked at Zack and said “I guess it’s over.” “Don’t be so sure Matt; the queen is coming, prepare your self.” Matt looked befuddled at this. “How do you know this Zack?” Zack pointed towards the portal and said “the portal isn’t closing.” “I guess your right Zack.” Just then this big dragon came out of the portal; it was bigger than the other dragons. It was big, powerful but slow compared to the other dragons.
I've got to ask; do the characters have Autism, by any chance? because that't how autistics talk to each other. Also 'And then this big dragon came out of the portal'? Are you writing a story, or recounting an anecdote to your friends?

Matt and Zack both ran towards the dragon, along the way they met up with Zack’s girlfriend Luna.
Wait what?
'Oh hey Luna where have you been?'
'I have no fucking idea!'

Luna had long black hair, she always had a staff, because she was a white mage, and she had a white robe hood down, to resemble that she was a white mage. She looked at the two and asked “so, you two are going to fight this white dragon?” Zack drew out his sword and Matt drew out his daggers. “I’m taking that as a yes, also Zack where did you get the Twin Blade?” Zack pointed at Matt, Luna nodded.
Another description just pasted in there, and hey Luna has autism too. Awesome.

All in all there's no silver lining, it's just a big motherfucking cloud. I pointed out SOME of the things you should work on to make it legible. There are fuck loads more, but the others delt with them.

[abbey]

One more thing: How are you going to write an entire book about "The Assault of the White Dragons" if the climax is in the first four paragraphs?

You need some background story, not just "One day, a white dragon popped out of a portal and super-human Zack killed it. The end."

[Relaps]

Maybe the chapter is called "Assault of the white dragons" and he's got some more shit to do with this brother.

But yeah, this story's really got nothing going for it. You need to rewrite it all.

[Audioslave]

But yeah, this story's really got nothing going for it. You need to rewrite it all.

I think you mean not write it at all

[Godly]

That was pretty bad. Please don't continue writing this story. You should learn some basics about writing before attempting anything more. For our sake.

[Maserthous]

You could try reversing it around so the main character is a dragon.

you can scrap it all together
or you can just keep writing and fix it up so it makes sense.

USER WAS PUT IN TIMEOUT FOR THIS POST. (http://forums.explosm.net/eventlog.php)
Reason: Massive dead thread bump.

[Pieman]

You necro'd this thread for that? Isn't it obvious that he did scrap it, since he hasn't updated in 3 months?

And to avoid a possible TO: The writing was bland, repetitive and wouldn't hold an audience for more then two syllables. Expand your vocabulary, or buy a thesauras if you ever want to write again.