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Audioslave
01-27-2008, 7:37 PM
This is the newest thing I've written. It's definitely new and unfinished.


- - - - -

I couldn’t help but smile at her eerie glow from the streetlight above.

“It’s the carrots.” She said without showing a tooth.

“Sure it is.” I replied.

She seemed to think that everything she was could be attributed to her diet. You are what you eat. She’d tell me constantly. It wasn’t so much a nuisance as it was an odd distraction from her beauty.

“You look nice tonight.” I’d say.

“It’s the pears I’ve been eating, they really help.” She’d reply.

It’s not even like she’d know, she’s not even a dietician; she’s a painter. Hell, she’s not even a great cook.

“What do you want for dinner?” She’d ask me nightly.

“Take-out?” I’d always try.

“No chance in hell! Full of MSG. I’ll cook a stir-fry.”

The stir-fry was her cross, and she, the savior of the Jews’ and the overweight, was forever nailed to the plate of vegetables and rice.

“What do you want to do tonight?” She asked, the streetlight flicking above her.

“Watch you be beautiful.” I replied, dreamily yet in all honesty.

“Something we can both do.”

”Should I get you a mirror?”

We ended up seeing a movie. Some train out of Hollywood that went off the tracks and ended up being a unintentional documentary on how culturally lost we are as a society.

“I liked it.” She offered.

“You like everything.” I countered.

“Why can’t you?”

She had a tendency to hang life over me with a string.

“Isn’t life great?” She’d say, setting the trap.

“Not particularly.” I’d say, half-heartedly. I could barely muster the energy to be pessimistic.

“Maybe that’s just because you’re not trying hard enough.”

No matter how hard I tried, how many movies I liked or how many greens I ate, I still wasn’t trying hard enough. She couldn’t accept my pessimism as genuine distrust for civilization.

“But people are so nice!” She’d cry.

“Tell that to the man stealing your purse.” I snorted. She never got that purse back.

Pessimism is genetic. My father was a writer, and his father before him was one as well. Somewhere along the line there was a defect, as my great-grandfather happened to be a clown. Life is funny like that. Not funny like a clown, funny like knowing that hippopotami tend to kill more people than lions..

“Ohh, don’t you just love clowns!” She exclaimed, pointing at a street busker.

“My great-grandfather was a clown, and my great-uncle died because his dad couldn’t afford food.” I said, my eyes trying to melt the pavement beneath my feet.

It’s not like we weren’t in love. If I believed in true love, I’m sure we would have had that. Our relationship was like so: she is a single, positively charged Hydrogen ion, whereas I am two negatively charged Oxygen ions, we combined to neutralize each other and create harmless water.

“Water, water everywhere, nor any drop to drink.” I said to her.

“You know I don’t like Iron Maiden.” She said with a frown


I sighed like Boreas, the Greek god of the northern wind, blowing a Persian ship to the great beyond. She frowned like a Teletubby paying alimony.

Nightly, she would return to her apartment at 7pm sharp to watch television. This was fine by me, because I usually wanted to be home to watch the news. It took me months to discover what show was so dreadfully important to her. Sitting on her lopsided sofa, we began to watch Jeopardy. Pleasantly surprised, I concluded that I might not have been giving her enough credit.

“Oopsie daisy! Wrong channel.” She exploded, snatching the remote and slamming her tiny fingers onto the buttons.

When she finally got to the right channel, I found myself wishing I were nose-deep in sulfuric acid.

“Big Brother?” I said in a disbelieving undertone.

“Oh it’s my favorite show!” She said in a clueless overtone.

Big Brother is my least favorite television show.

“How can you watch this?” I said, eyebrows hidden under my hair.

“Easily!” She chirped, fingernails hidden between her teeth. “It’s so exciting!”

An hour later, I was asleep and she was crying. I woke up with a start, expecting to see a bloody butcher knife in my right hand, and Julie Chan’s severed head in the left.

“What?! What is it?” I shouted, drool hanging limply on my lip.

“Rob got voted off!” She said through sobs.

I went back to sleep.

Quadros
01-27-2008, 7:46 PM
Bit of a typo in the last sentence, but you've done that whole 'capturing a life' thing that you do oh so well again and left me feeling vaguely incompetent as a writer. Thanks alot. Seriously brilliantly dreamy, and I like this new dialogue driven thing you're running with, it's worked well in conveying the characters, particularly the girl. Kudos and shit.

blltmssgy
01-27-2008, 7:50 PM
Two things:


The stir-fry was her cross, and she, the savior of the Jews’ and the overweight, was forever nailed to the plate of vegetables and rice.

I don't know if you did this on purpose, but being a Jew I found this hilarious for two reasons. One, we all like Chinese food, that's what Christmas (Chinese Food and Movie Day) is for. And two, I don't know if this was on purpose, but many traditional Jewish dishes are, let's say "hearty."

“You don’t I don’t like Iron Maiden.” She said with a frown

Is this supposed to be:

"You know I don't like Iron Maiden..."?

But other than that (and the first and last sentence had "she said" in them) I think it was really well written and I enjoyed reading it and would like to see where it goes.

Godly
01-27-2008, 8:02 PM
“Watch you be beautiful.” I replied, dreamily yet in all honesty.

“Something we can both do.”

”Should I get you a mirror?”

That made me smile. Scratch that, the whole story made me smile, that girl just seems so happy and genuine. You did a great job with her personality and the guy's too. They are such opposites, but they go so well with each other.
I'm not sure how I like when you go into a totally new direction after ever little paragraph that follows dialog. But then again, it helps the flow of the story take a new direction and gives an easy way to move to a new subject, so I think I do like it. In fact I do like it. It suits the story very well.

I really appreciate this style, I demand you to expand upon it and create more wonderfull stories like this one. If you don't mind, of course.

Audioslave
01-28-2008, 5:25 AM
Ah. Them some dead C typos. I'll fix them later. I was probably distracted when I was writing/editing this, considering it's exam season and all. I'll fix/finish it at a later date.

Thanks, by the way, guys.

Tyler_Legrand
01-28-2008, 1:43 PM
“My great-grandfather was a clown, and my great-uncle died because his dad couldn’t afford food.” I said, my eyes trying to melt the pavement beneath my feet.


I giggled.

The Super Hannah
01-28-2008, 1:52 PM
That was great. Better than I could ever write, which untill now, I thought i was okay.
Thanks for that, it made me smile :]

Audioslave
01-28-2008, 2:11 PM
Partieux deuxio!

I sighed like Boreas, the Greek god of the northern wind, blowing a Persian ship to the great beyond. She frowned like a Teletubby paying alimony.

Nightly, she would return to her apartment at 7pm sharp to watch television. This was fine by me, because I usually wanted to be home to watch the news. It took me months to discover what show was so dreadfully important to her. Sitting on her lopsided sofa, we began to watch Jeopardy. Pleasantly surprised, I concluded that I might not have been giving her enough credit.

“Oopsie daisy! Wrong channel.” She exploded, snatching the remote and slamming her tiny fingers onto the buttons.

When she finally got to the right channel, I found myself wishing I were nose-deep in sulfuric acid.

“Big Brother?” I said in a disbelieving undertone.

“Oh it’s my favorite show!” She said in a clueless overtone.

Big Brother is my least favorite television show.

“How can you watch this?” I said, eyebrows hidden under my hair.

“Easily!” She chirped, fingernails hidden between her teeth. “It’s so exciting!”

An hour later, I was asleep and she was crying. I woke up with a start, expecting to see a bloody butcher knife in my right hand, and Julie Chan’s severed head in the left.

“What?! What is it?” I shouted, drool hanging limply on my lip.

“Rob got voted off!” She said through sobs.

I went back to sleep.

blltmssgy
01-28-2008, 7:43 PM
Again good, I liked how this one had more of a straight forward storyline, and I think I read a covert operation to get Rob out of explosm. I caught you red-handed audio!

Audioslave
01-28-2008, 7:53 PM
Ohoho you sure got me.

Dave goes next >=]

Audioslave
01-29-2008, 11:53 AM
But WAIT! There's more!

One night I showed up at her place, intent on apologizing for whatever war crime I had committed in the days prior. I opened to the door and saw her sprawled out on the sofa, wearing a cardigan, horn-rimmed glasses and nothing else. Her hair was in a bun and she suggestively clutched a copy of The Illiad. In all, she looked like a porn actress from librarian-fetish site.

“C’mere, big boy, and let me read you a story.” She said in a bedroom voice.

I burst out laughing, and she stormed out of the room with a scorned look on her face.

“Baby! Darling! I’m sorry!” I pleaded as I chased off to her. “STEELLLLAAAA!”

“My name isn’t Stella!” She said in staccato.

“Oh…Nevermind.”
“I did all of this for you so that we could be closer, and you laughed at me!” She said as she sobbed. “I look stupid! This stupid sweater, these stupid glasses…”

“Oh, come on now. I think it looks…nice.” I tried.

“…And I bought that stupid Simpsons book that you always say you like.” She cried through her hands, resting firmly on her face.

“No, no, I think it’s very sex-” The last part of her sentence caught up with me. “-wait. What Simpsons book?”

“The Olliad or whatever it’s called. It says it’s by Homer.”

I began to laugh. I was sleeping alone that night.

The Super Hannah
01-29-2008, 1:33 PM
Haha. Those next two were great. The third part is my favorite though. "The Olliad" hahaha! Very silly.

Tweek
01-30-2008, 5:02 AM
I like how each part you post starts up from a different point in their relationship.
Superb.

cosmosforest
01-30-2008, 7:21 AM
Is this story entirely fictional, or does it have a basis in reality?

It's very well written, flows like a small, bubbly stream, and it's believable!!
I'd love to see a lot more of this!!

Audioslave
01-30-2008, 11:11 AM
It was intent on being fictional, but at one point I looked back and went "Hey! That's me! Hey! That's [ex-girlfriend/girlfriend's name]"

Mr. Crow
01-30-2008, 3:19 PM
Great story and writing, but you use too many metaphors. Metaphors are great, don't get me wrong, they're fantastic for adding perspective and comedy to a story, but when you toss out a metaphor out every few lines it starts to look as though you're trying to artificially inflate the complexity of your writing in order to make it seem better.

The mark of a really great writer is being able to create a dynamic and engaging story without superfluous metaphors and high-brow vocabulary. However, considering that you're not a professional writer, your work is top-grade. Keep it up!