charcoal
01-31-2008, 7:39 AM
Hi guys, I'm thinking of submitting this to an anthology, and I'd really appreciate any comments/criticism since I still have a week or two to redraft.
First Breath
The church bells wake me. I open my eyes and realise that I'm alone beneath the lilac sky. Alone but for the river and the leaves it guides atop it.
And now it is dawn. Or dusk. Or simply one of those curious afternoons where the clouds encompass the earth and nothing is clear. But the water is clear, and cold, so I take off my shoes. I unbutton my dress, shivering, and slip into the river.
The current runs fast and deep, and I'm overwhelmed by the rush and the cold and my face is slapped by the wet ochre-and-red slivers that mark the end of the autumnal abscission for the riverside trees.
My teeth clatter but still cannot drown the sound of my heartbeat, thundering in my chest and my ears.
And the water gets deeper here by the bridge and the current runs deeper still and further from the banks and I'm helpless to resist the cold hands that lure me under. I breathe and I breathe water as cold and crystalline and cruel as the realisation that
this isn’t what I want!
First Breath
The church bells wake me. I open my eyes and realise that I'm alone beneath the lilac sky. Alone but for the river and the leaves it guides atop it.
And now it is dawn. Or dusk. Or simply one of those curious afternoons where the clouds encompass the earth and nothing is clear. But the water is clear, and cold, so I take off my shoes. I unbutton my dress, shivering, and slip into the river.
The current runs fast and deep, and I'm overwhelmed by the rush and the cold and my face is slapped by the wet ochre-and-red slivers that mark the end of the autumnal abscission for the riverside trees.
My teeth clatter but still cannot drown the sound of my heartbeat, thundering in my chest and my ears.
And the water gets deeper here by the bridge and the current runs deeper still and further from the banks and I'm helpless to resist the cold hands that lure me under. I breathe and I breathe water as cold and crystalline and cruel as the realisation that
this isn’t what I want!