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View Full Version : Short Story: (Untitled), by BilkEmDanno


BilkEmDanno
02-09-2008, 3:30 PM
(I wrote this short-story a time ago for some character building for a roleplay I attended. It was very well appreciated there and this is truly my writing style. Though, now since I have quit that roleplay, I don't need it- I just want any suggestions on my writing style. Any grammar/spelling errors- please tell me. I find if I misspell one word, I will do it a lot. I also changed most of the fictional names in my story so you can apply to them.)

“Thank you for flying Red Airlines, where it’s your flight. We will be landing at Vegas International Airport within the next ten minutes. Keep your seat belts on until the seat belt sign turns off. Put all trays in the upright position and all drinks are disposed of. Thank you for flying Red Air.”

Dino sighed as the flight attendant spoke over the intercom. He leaned back in his seat calmly, peeking out his window over the ocean they were passing. Glancing to the gentleman sitting next to him, he leaned back to allow him to see.

“Quite a view, eh?”

The gentleman smiled at him, a baseball cap covering his eyes. He was wearing a sweater-vest and a white shirt, and a pair of jeans. He said nothing, just smiled. Dino watched him suspiciously for a minute before looking away and grabbing his carry-on bag. It was the only thing he brought with him, a large round duffel bag. It only contained two pairs of pants, a few pairs of undergarments, five shirts, and some random necessaties. He dug through the bag, making sure he had everything he needed. Suddenly, a voice came over the intercom.

“We are now landing.”

This was followed by the plane being pushed hard, throwing people a few inches up from their chair. The plane leaned back, then the front wheels connected with the ground. A loud screech emitted from the engines on the wing by Dino’s window, a sheet of metal beginning to peel off. The plane rolled to a stop within seconds, creaking as it sat still.

“We apologize for the rough landing. Welcome to Las Vegas.”
---------------
“Hello and welcome to the Mirage. May I take your bags?” A thin Japanese youth approached Dino, folding his hands infront of his chest in a prayer motion and bowing over them.

“Uh, no ‘tanks. Where do I go to, eh… check in?”

“Do you have a reservation, sir?”

“No.” Dino looked nervously across the hotel floor, the shout of a slot-machine permitting a win echoed through the halls, followed by cheers.

“If you take a right up here, follow this hall down. Go past the elevaters, then take a right. There will be a half-staircase going down to the bar. If you’re there, you’ve gone too far. Go back and there will be a long desk infront of a large fountain.” The youth motioned up and down the hall with his hands, an atrium brimming with plant life visible down the path of his motions.

“Yeah, sure. I will do exactly ‘dat.” Dino shrugged, picking up the duffel bag from his feet and advancing down the hall. The directions were really simpler then they seemed. He walked up to a portly woman, whiter then sour cream.

“I needs a room fa’ two nights.” He glanced down across the counter- to a bowl of wrapped chocolate right by a miniature fountain. Next to the fountain was a stone-bowl that seemed to be attached to the fountain, a few round-wrapped pieces of candy left in the bowl. Reaching over, he picked up a candy. He ran his thumb over the texture on the wrapper and put it down.

“Would you like our master suite?” The woman looked up at Dino holding a clipboard.

“Whatta da’ ‘odda options?” Dino popped the chocolate in his mouth and sucked on it. It wasn’t half bad, mint chocolate at it’s finest.

“Well, our master suite is our finest. It has its own swimming pool, three bedroo-“

“Lady, lady, just gimme sumthin’ small ‘n comfortable.” Dino interrupted over his mouthful, waving his hand over the desk infront of him to punctuate his words.

“Our basic economy room is $80 a night. It has a widely stocked minibar and I can give you the prices.” She seemed to sigh, but Dino ignored it. She beckoned at a picture on the wall of an Oreint-themed room. Dino cast his glance over it and began to nod.

“Yeh. Name’s Tony Othello-“ He reached into his wallet and flicked his identification across the table. Having been made by an insider in the DMV, it was authentic. Dino slid his eyes down the menu of the minibar, looking at the prices. He smiled and nodded, reaching into his pocket and withdrawing his wallet.“And, I’ll just pay cash upfront.” He slid a pack of twenty dollar bills onto the counter by the woman’s wrist, making a loud clicking noise with his tongue. The woman glanced back and forth over the Identification and then thumbed through the stack of money. She glanced up at Dino again, who was retrieving his identification.

“Sir, there is $600 here.”

“Expenses.”

Making his way to his room, he held a brass cube. On it was attached a keyring, and attached to that keyring was a key to his room. Popping open the door, he stepped in and dropped his bag right next to a table with a television on it. The room was fairly small. It was done in an oriental style. The walls were decorated with a light bamboo frame and the windows outside did not have blinds but sliding doors, made from the classic bamboo and paper combination. The bed was done with white blankets and pillows, decorated with images of reeds and grass and watercolor-looking art. The walls had similar art, most of the paintings also framed in bamboo. There was a small kitchen with a mini bar next to his bed, with what seemed to be a practice Roulette table. The door to the bathroom was immediately to his right. His door was still open and he peeked into the bathroom, checking in the shower. Then, he looked under the bed, under the mattresses, under the pillows, and under the blankets. Nothing was there. He slid open the screens to the windows, but saw nothing or no one there.

Suddenly, he heard the door close behind him. Dino turned to see a knife whiz right past his eye, ripping through the screen. Dino threw himself to the floor and rolled behind the bed. His assailant was the man from the plan, he baseball cap was no removed to reveal a bald man with a tattoo covering the majority of his hairless dome. He was now wearing a thick leather jacket, and he reached into his coat for another knife. Dino reached into the endtable by his bed and pulled out a hard-bound copy of the Bible. The man approached the bad, knife held out. Dino held the book by the bind, the four corners of the cover facing away from him. Charging into the stranger, he threw his arm with the book forward with all his force. Making a hollow sound against the killer’s head- his arm rebounded. The man rubbed his head angrily, then followed up by swiping the knife at Dino. Dino held the book out like a small shield, jumping onto the bed. The assassin leaned into the bed and whipped the blade at Dino’s ankles. The blade glimmered as it sliced open air, Dino kicking the arm as it made its rebound. The killer did not drop his blade, only jumping onto the bed with Dino. Throwing all his weight into his foot, Dino kicked again at the man’s lower-leg, hoping to throw him off balance. Being met by a swift elbow to the forehead, Dino spat blood reluctantly. He rushed the man, book held forward and pushed him over the front-board of the bed, flying over to the ground with the man. Both of them hit their heads against the wall on their way down. The man threw his knife-wielding hand to Dino’s abdomen, cutting Dino’s left arm as he tries to dodge. Dino responded by smashing the book into the man’s head again.

The man threw Dino back into the bed, Dino’s back hitting the front-board of the bed and making him shout loudly. The assassin charged into a stab at Dino’s exposed chest, who quickly rolled out of the way. The killer shouted, the blade was now stuck in the headboard. He quickly jumped back towards the door to the room. Dino spat some more blood onto the carpeted floors, staining the beautiful white carpet. The killer removed another knife from his coat, holding it by the blade. Dino dived to his old position behind the bed as the knife ripped through the screen again. This time, however, instead of sticking into the screen, it just tore through and recoiled off the window. Dino slid over to grab it. The stranger was quick to reveal yet another knife. This knife was larger then the previous ones, at least a foot long in total. The man ran over to Dino, swinging his dagger madly. Dino got a firm grip on the throwing knife and rolled backwards, climbing up to his feet in haste. Dino ducked as the man swung he dagger where his head was, cuting the paper lamp behind him. Dino took the opportunity to tackle the man under his arm, holding his stomach. Dino charged him into the wall, coming back with his blade held out again. Dino took a second to look over to his left arm, blood began seeping down his sleeve and to his wrist. He sighed and rubbed it in pain for a second, as the man then rushed at Dino again. This time, Dino tried to cut the man, who used his arm to block Dino’s wrist, the knife nearly dropping out of his hand. The man returned with a swipe from his dagger, Which Dino weaved to avoid. Sliding his leg behind the assailant’s leg, he was met with yet another elbow to the face. Dino took a few steps away from the assassin, his left hand shooting up to his smashed lip.

The killer kicked at Dino, his leg barely missing him because of distance. Making up for his lost space, the killer pivoted on his leading foot and kicked with his hind leg, winding Dino. Dino was knocked back into his door. Right over his shoulder was a nook in the wall where there stood a fruitbasket and a bottle of wine with a card that said “Enjoy your stay”. Dino promptly grabbed the wine bottle with his left hand by the neck, his arm sending jolts of pain in protest. Ignoring it, he flew at the man and swung the bottle at his head. The bottle made a satisfying smash against the side of the man’s head, broken glass and Cabarnet flooding the floor below the two warring figures. Dino threw a slice at the man, but missed. The man tumbled clumsily for a second before approaching the door. With his back turned to Dino, he suddenly turned the handle and threw open the door, running out into the hall. Dino sprinted to give chase. In the corridor, the man was already halfway away from Dino. Dino was trying to gain on him. The man took a sharp turn in the hall, heading down to a fork. Dino nearly overshot the corner, but quickly corrected his mistake. He flipped his knife so that he was holding it by the handle- ready to throw it if needed. Turning another corner, Dino caught his breath- the gentleman who had attacked him was nowhere to be seen.

Dino held out his blade, spinning in slow circles. He kept his injured arm up and his bladed hand up, waiting for the killer to show himself. He walked forward a bit into the adjacent hall. The dagger was thrust inches in-front of his face, a loud shout accompanying it. The killer spun out from his hiding spot in the sunken door-frame, throwing another jab at Dino’s face, which missed. Dino flung himself forward into the man, grabbing him by his jacket and shot his knife into the man’s Celiac plexus. The man shouted out, dropping his dagger. He tried to breath but only a hoarse sound came out of his lips. He meekly grabbed at Dino’s leg, but Dino kicked him off. Backing up, Dino pulled his knee up and then planted his foot hard into the assassin’s face- throwing him backwards with the knife jutting out of him. Dino kicked his dagger back at him, walking over to see if the man was living or dead. Seeing blood begin to gather around the wound and pool over his sides, he could see the man was not breathing. His eyes were still open, rolled back into his head and his mouth open wide, a few teeth missing and the nose visibly broken.

Dino pulled his sleeve over his right hand, grabbing the knife in the man’s chest and pulling it out. His hand still sleeved, he grabs the killer’s dagger and puts it in the spot where the knife once was. Dino sighs, and walks back to his room. Once at his room, he begins to clean his mess…
---------------
“Dino! Dino, my friend!” Dino stepped out of his rental car, a white Buick. Since the incident in his hotel room, he had changed his shirt to a red Hawaiin shirt with a nice floral design, Habiscus running down the front of it, with palm trees and dolphins mixed in. Over the shirt was a golden necklace with a cruccifix hanging off it. Above the shirt he wore a black dinner jacket, the sides coming over a pair of dark blue jeans. He gives the speaker a hug.

“Billy, long time no see.” Dino smiled, clapping Billy on the back. Billy was a middle-sized man, no older then twenty-five. He had on a dark green sweatshirt with a hood over his head. They were meeting in a pretty shady alley, right between a gym and a liquor store. Besides a few puddles of vomit, a dumpster, and a red ’82 Crown Victoria parked in the corner of the alley, it was all clear. Billy led Dino to the vehicle, popping open the trunk.

“You know me, Di. I gots ya the best here.” He motioned over a hand-gun, obviously spray-painted black. It was set into a mold of plastic, with shapes molded into the form to allow items to be perfectly fit in. Next to the gun was a long, narrow tube, four clips, a smaller cylinder with a toggle on it, and a lone bullet. “I gots ya a Smith and Wesson. Thirty-eight caliber M&P, semi-automatic. Included are four clips, filled to the brim. Included, an eight-inch silencer, mountable infrared laser sights, and a sample bullet for you so you can get the feel for it.”

Dino removed a pair of dark leather gloves from his front jacket pocket and slid one onto his right hand. He picked up the bullet and ran his fingers over it.

“Whaddaya want for it?” Dino looked up, stopping the motion of twirling the bullet around his thumb.

“Di, for you, for all of it, Eight-hundred dollars.” Billy watched Dino carefully, waiting for a response. Dino sucked on his tongue for a second before finally speaking.

“Ya got ya’self a deal. I need sammore, ‘do.” Dino crossed over to the car, putting the bullet back into the case. He reaches over and puts a sheet of velvet over the open part of the case. From there, he pulls into the forms of the plastic and pulls out what seems to be a tray over the velvet. Fishing around in the trunk, he puts a few rubies into each slot of the tray. Then, he puts a lid onto the box, pulling out the completed case. Underneath that case was about three more like it.

“You’ve been doing business with me too long, Di.” Billy laughs, watching Dino camouflage the case. It wasn’t foolproof, but it helped get off the impatient police. Dino set down the case at his feet and motioned for the armsdealer to continue.

“Right, next up-“ He grabs at the next case, already sealed, and undoes the very process on it that Dino just did to the pistol’s box. It revealed an MP5K, a silencer, and two clips. “One of your favorites, Di, the MP5K, fully automatic, yada yada, included with which are a silencer and two clips.” Dino didn’t ask for a price, immediately agreeing to it.

“Right, that one’s $2,200.” Billy spoke briefly before be began to package it up. He pulled the case out and set it next to the pistol’s case. He undid yet another box in the car.

“I don’t ask questions, but I think you need yourself a tactical rifle, it is high-“

“I t'ink I got whadda need.” Dino spoke loudly before Billy could continue. Dino motioned to his car. “Money’s in there, plus a courtesy tip.” Dino nodded to Billy. Billy peered at Dino hard for a second, trying to read his face. All Dino gave him was a slight, satisfied smile. Billy sighed and stepped towards the car, slowly- each step full of uncertainty. Dino backed up a few steps, silently and cautiously. He made sure Billy did not see his movement. The armsdealer was now at the car. He placed a hand on the door-handle and paused. A few seconds passed, and he yanked his hand back, some sweat forming on his palm. The door flew open-

Billy slid into the car. He reached over to the passenger seat and nabbed a briefcase off it. The briefcase was fairly broad and tall, made of some fine black leather. It was a combination briefcase.

“Combination’s four eight one, three eight two.” Dino watched Billy as he put the briefcase up on the hood of the Buick. He scrolled through the brass numbers. Each one made an oddly loud click as he locked it into place. Finally, when he finished entering the combo, he pressed the sides of the briefcase. Both latches popped open, and a very loud click sounded after that. Billy opened the top of the case, and stuffed his hand into it greedily without hesitation.

He did not feel money. It was cold, and hard. He looked down- a loud explosion sounded through the alley, fire and smoke erupted from the briefcase, the car being blown into a wall nearby, the windshield splintering and the trunk peeling off in the immense heat. The front left tire flew off its axel and the force of the explosion tore Billy to shreds. The front grill of the car flew off the front and skittered across the floor of the alley. Dino was already hiding behind the Crown Vic, opening the door to the car with the cases in hand and pushing himself in. Billy’s head was vaporized upon contact instantly, his arms burnt beyond recognition and his body horribly mangled and split in many places. His spine lay in charred chunks around the alley and his waist was lolling, the legs melted into the ground in a backwards streak. Blood was pooled all over the area. Bricks from the nearby walls of some buildings piled on the scene, and a few people were already gathering.

Dino checked his rear view mirror. He was now three blocks away, driving a few miles over the speed limit. He saw police cars speed from all different directions, all of them heading to the alley. He dropped his speed for a second to slide on his left-hand glove, and he cranked the car into full speed, switching the gear.

He had unfinished business.

Audioslave
02-09-2008, 3:40 PM
The problem I have with this is the problem I've had with a few other stories;

Too much focus on plot. You need to improve your writing style rather than just say, in plain terms, what happened, then punch it up with some dialog. Ultimately, it's boring to read. Most people that read short stories aren't really reading them for plot; they're reading for style. You really can't fit an entire, in-depth story in under 1000 words, so focus on how its written, and less on what its trying to say.

BilkEmDanno
02-09-2008, 3:52 PM
Well, you see, Audioslave- this is made for the plot, not the style. If you read the purpose of the story, you would see that this is to build my character and to explain my hiatus. The reason I have this writing style is because I am use to writing full-length stories, which this was supposed to be (it was to come out in parts). I had the third of three parts almost done when I quit. So this is supposed to be a 3-part story.

Krabby
02-09-2008, 3:53 PM
It only contained two pairs of pants, a few pairs of undergarments, five shirts, and some random necessaties.

Go past the elevaters, then take a right.


I reckon it's something along the line of "necessities", though not certain.
It ought to be "elevators" though.

Haven't read more yet, going to bed. Will continue tomorrow.

BilkEmDanno
02-09-2008, 3:55 PM
Elevators indeed, that was my mistake.

And necessities is the right word, I butchered it.

Godly
02-09-2008, 9:31 PM
We will be landing at Vegas International Airport within the next ten minutes.

He leaned back in his seat calmly, peeking out his window over the ocean they were passing.

Explain to me how in ten minutes the plane passes by an ocean and then land in Vegas. I'm not too familiar with the Vegas geography, but I still don't think there's an ocean anywhere near it. So unless I'm mistaken, those lines make no sense.

The story itself is uninteresting and doesn't make me want to read it.

BilkEmDanno
02-09-2008, 9:40 PM
It isn't exactly Vegas. I told you, it is the imaginary counterpart of Vegas in our roleplay, I just changed it so you guys can read it and roughly understand where it is. In the fake version, there is water just south of the airport.

In any case, besides that, your post is one of the most useless and least constructive posts I have ever heard, ever. Rather then provide some constructive criticism, you just say "this is uninteresting". Why? How? Who? It is not only not constructive, it is full of ego, arrogance, and general assmookery. Explain yourself.

Benjaman
02-09-2008, 9:42 PM
...shirts, and some random necessities...and over the desk in front of him to...a night. It has a widely stocked mini bar and I can...wall of an Orient-the...the menu of the mini bar, looking at...the end table by his bed...where his head was, cutting the paper...stood a fruit basket and a bottle of wine...glass and Cabernet flooding the floor...red Hawaiian shirt with a nice floral design, Hibiscus running down...with a crucifix hanging off...the arms dealer...arms dealer was now...axle and the force...

Being the spelling and grammar Nazi that I am, I picked up on a few mistakes of mostly spelling and things that aren't actually compound words. It was a overall well written story and I enjoyed it.

BilkEmDanno
02-09-2008, 10:13 PM
Being the spelling and grammar Nazi that I am, I picked up on a few mistakes of mostly spelling and things that aren't actually compound words. It was a overall well written story and I enjoyed it.
Thanks for noticing.

EDIT: I SUX!

Thanks!

Benjaman
02-09-2008, 10:35 PM
Thanks for noticing.

Hawaiian is correct, however- as is Orient, cutting, Cabernet, Hibiscus, crucifix, axle, necessities. But mini-bar, arms-dealer, fruit-basket, in-front, and end-table all needed fixing.

Thanks!

Err, I corrected them in my post, they aren't like that in your story.

BilkEmDanno
02-09-2008, 10:43 PM
Well I feel like an asshole.

Do you forgive me, baby?

Benjaman
02-09-2008, 10:53 PM
Well I feel like an asshole.

Do you forgive me, baby?

D'aww, we all make mistakes. I fogive you, :heya:

BilkEmDanno
02-09-2008, 11:07 PM
D'aww, we all make mistakes. I fogive you, :heya:
Good. Good. Now, I will be behind the shed in five minutes. Meet me there, babes.

Hehe, but seriously, thanks for the stuffs. Cabernet has always caught me.

abbey
02-10-2008, 10:17 AM
I started reading it but it didn't really hook me in at all. To be honest, after the first paragraph I wanted to hit the back button and look at the other showcase threads. You should work on getting peoples attention.

BilkEmDanno
02-10-2008, 2:22 PM
I started reading it but it didn't really hook me in at all. To be honest, after the first paragraph I wanted to hit the back button and look at the other showcase threads. You should work on getting peoples attention.
Are you going to tell me how or will you just tell me generic commentary on what I already know?

Constructive criticism is supposed to help me improve myself. Saying that I can't hook you just makes you look like you are a bit snobby with your reading. Shouldn't you read the whole thing before you comment anyway?

Sorry if I sound rude, I'm just telling you what I'm annoyed with.

abbey
02-10-2008, 4:07 PM
Maybe leave out the whole flight attendant spiel. You could probably cut it down to "Thank you for flying Red Air" and we'd get the picture. Then have the narrator just comment on when they'll be landing or something. That might help.

BilkEmDanno
02-10-2008, 5:59 PM
Thank you. That's the kind of stuff I want to hear. I posted this here to improve, not to be told that it fails in one way or the other.

Thanks!

Matterialize
02-10-2008, 7:38 PM
Are you going to tell me how or will you just tell me generic commentary on what I already know?

Constructive criticism is supposed to help me improve myself.

With respect, people usually don't write stories to be read only by other writers and literary experts. I like that you don't take shit from people, but if someone says "It didn't hook me at the start", it's up to you to make it hook them. Not that there's anything wrong with constructive criticism, that'd be dumb, but I wouldn't count out the people who make those so-called generic commentaries either.

That being said, I actually thought it was good. It did hook me, and I'm disappointed there isn't more. As far as typos go:

Somewhere Around Paragraph 22-24

Suddenly, he heard the door close behind him. Dino turned to see a knife whiz right past his eye, ripping through the screen. Dino threw himself to the floor and rolled behind the bed. His assailant was the man from the plan

Left an 'e' out of 'plane'. Just a typo, not really a spelling mistake.

BilkEmDanno
02-10-2008, 11:13 PM
Thank you quite mucho, amigo.

MistyTehMoose
02-11-2008, 8:38 AM
I read to the ------- section, I have to say like Abbey I wasn't entirely hooked.

I'm not sure as to the specific reason why, I am a rather visual person, and this didn't stir up many interesting images in my head. My only suggestion would be to choose your descriptions and adjectives more carefully, I do believe that language is a very important part of the story.

For example, instead of 'This was followed by...' after the "we are now landing", it seemed to me that the rough landing would have been rather abrupt. 'This was followed by...' makes it seem kind of natural that this was happening; I don't know about you but if a sheet of metal started peeling off of the wing I would be somewhat concerned.

I hope that was constructive... :S

Godly
02-11-2008, 7:29 PM
In any case, besides that, your post is one of the most useless and least constructive posts I have ever heard, ever. Rather then provide some constructive criticism, you just say "this is uninteresting". Why? How? Who? It is not only not constructive, it is full of ego, arrogance, and general assmookery. Explain yourself.

It's uninteresting, it doesn't interest me, it doesn't attract my attention, it did not grab my attention, it lacked attention grabbing interest driven necessities that most stories have. Was it interesting? No. Did it make me want to read onwards? No. It lacked a level of interest that is needed to achieve a good story. Should I pointlessly go on?

What I really mean is that I find it boring and not very well written aesthetically. Would you like me to elaborate upon what I mean? Would you like me to go so far as to say I didn't enjoy it to any extent? Cause I didn't. And why? Cause it's shallow and simply written.

BilkEmDanno
02-11-2008, 7:36 PM
It's uninteresting, it doesn't interest me, it doesn't attract my attention, it did not grab my attention, it lacked attention grabbing interest driven necessities that most stories have. Was it interesting? No. Did it make me want to read onwards? No. It lacked a level of interest that is needed to achieve a good story. Should I pointlessly go on?

What I really mean is that I find it boring and not very well written aesthetically. Would you like me to elaborate upon what I mean? Would you like me to go so far as to say I didn't enjoy it to any extent? Cause I didn't. And why? Cause it's shallow and simply written.
You said it yourself. Your post is useless. I asked for criticism, constructive criticism. All you're giving me is bashing. If I came into a thread showcasing drawings and I said: "They suck because they suck and because I hate them." Would that be any help at all to the artist?

And, if you aren't even going to read to the end, why comment? That's like coming to a restaurant to review it, sitting down at the table, then standing up and leaving and giving it a two-star review. "Oh, it just didn't catch my attention." Then why review it?

Godly
02-11-2008, 7:45 PM
I gave you my opinion. It's your job to either take it as it is and make the needed changes, or to ignore it like most people do when they get an unamusing review.

We're not here to teach you how to fix your writings, we are here to give our opinion upon whatever is posted. And if you want some constructive criticism then you should have taken into account my last phrase, cause that pretty much summed up what I thought was wrong with your story. It is shallow and simply written.

Edit(about the post below this one): LOL

BilkEmDanno
02-11-2008, 7:48 PM
I gave you my opinion. It's your job to either take it as it is and make the needed changes, or to ignore it like most people do when they get an unamusing review.

We're not here to teach you how to fix your writings, we are here to give our opinion upon whatever is posted. And if you want some constructive criticism then you should have taken into account my last phrase, cause that pretty much summed up what I thought was wrong with your story. It is shallow and simply written.
And how is it shallow and simply written?

And you are not here to teach me how to fix my writings, you're right. You have the option not even to post here. But, if you want to post here, you either have to give me constructive criticism about the story and what I have to improve after you read all of it. Or, tell me I did a good job and we'll be all the merrier either way.

You coming in here with something so simple and unsupported is nothing short of spam. If you continue to post in here without any really constructive criticisms, I will get Kwanza to have a talk with you.

Tweek
02-11-2008, 8:16 PM
It's boring and doesn't hold my attention.

You listed what was in his bag like you were reciting a shopping list.
I didn't get much farther than that.

MistyTehMoose
02-11-2008, 9:12 PM
I agree with Godly but I gave you somewhat of an example. ^Further up.

BilkEmDanno
02-12-2008, 12:51 PM
Which I appreciate. Atleast Tweek gave a specific example, though the rules of the thread state clearly- read it before you post. Like, front to end. Stories can have a twist. Because this was made for a Roleplay, and I knew people would read it no matter how bad (there are worse out there), I decided to give it a fairly dull beginning and spike it up as it got farther down the end.

abbey
02-12-2008, 12:53 PM
I don't think dull beginnings are a good idea. It just makes people stop reading. :indiff:

BilkEmDanno
02-12-2008, 12:55 PM
I don't think dull beginnings are a good idea. It just makes people stop reading. :indiff:
Target audience: Roleplayers who almost have to read it.
You guys: Literature snoods. :P

abbey
02-12-2008, 3:53 PM
Yes we're snoods because we expect a story to hold our interest.

BilkEmDanno
02-12-2008, 3:58 PM
Yes we're snoods because we expect a story to hold our interest.
I posted this for comments on quality, not if it holds your interest and it didn't so you didn't read all of it.

Read all of it. Tell me what problems you had with it, provide specific locations in the text. Its not helping if you spend no time on your post. Either spend the time to help me out or don't do it at all and just leave the thread.

Godly
02-12-2008, 8:05 PM
I posted this for comments on quality, not if it holds your interest and it didn't so you didn't read all of it.

You do realize that the quality of a story is completely based on how well the reader receives the story right? Just cause your role playing buddies were "forced" to read this doesn't mean you should make it any less good.

So please excuse us if we don't appreciate it when someone shits all over a paper and calls it a story. Try putting some depth and intelligent thinking into what you write. And not for our sake, for yours, cause you'll never be a good writer is you're willing to write something half heartedly just because the readers have to read it. Cause guess what, in the real world people won't read something that's boring no matter how much you force them to.