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Audioslave
02-12-2008, 7:44 PM
Here it is. Something new by me. Something...different.

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It all begins in a nursery. It all begins when all the baby boys are stolen and taken away to learn how to live life by dying. They’re shackled within a great building to learn the propaganda of killing and tying their shoes. They’re taught love and death, war and peace. Every morning they say to their pale reflections “I love all the people I’ll kill.”

The rhythmical beating of their hearts was almost non-existent over the pounding of their feet against the concrete. They called themselves men but they were boys in their heads, their bodies were hard and beaten, yet they still sang old nursery rhymes under their heavy breath.
Oranges and lemons.
Say the bells of St Clements.
These were the men who were to take away the hearts and minds of the rest of the world by force. This was a mutated creature with two legs and two arms; nimble and deadly.
You owe me five farthings
Say the bells of St Martins
In its hands it held a gun, and on its feet it wore two boots. It walked with perfect rhythm and danced in a steady tempo. Any who saw such a beast trembled in fear, not wanting to tango with such a perfect lovechild of the industrial and technological revolutions.
When will you pay me?
Say the bells of Old BaileyMother Nature launched her own army of raindrops to stop the lurching beast; each drop did its part to weaken the body, yet it took no notice. Soaked to its iron bones, the creation of hate only stared intently on its bloody horizon.
When I grow rich
Say the bells of Shoreditch
Before the pawns sat their masters, sheltered and dry; the king, the queen, the clergy, the generals and the sergeants. Each with his or her own role to play in the war machine, they would turn a knob or crank a gear until the beast was as deadly as could be.
When will that be?
Say the bells of Stepney
The sergeants and generals saluted each man, dancing the rhetoric two-step and whispering things like “Land before life.” and “War is peace.” in their ears.
I'm sure I don't know
Says the great bell at Bow The severed head of the church blessed each man, telling him that the Lord was on their side and that as long as they believed they would never die.
Here comes a candle to light you to bed
Here comes a chopper to chop off your head
The King and Queen held hands as they told their subjects that each murder would not go unrewarded, for the country loved a man who could kill for freedom.
Chop chop chop chop the last man's head!

So the boys went to the imaginary front lines to fight their invisible foes for their abstract freedom, and their feet quickly learned how to move in time with the gunfire. Their heels dug in the sand as they slowdanced until they could no more, and then they fell. Their ghosts floated into the burning unknown, as they sang their rhymes in a chorus among the sun, the stars and the satellites in space. Each glowing body smiled and them and shushed them until they were pacified and fell to sleep.
Oranges and lemons...

abbey
02-12-2008, 7:53 PM
I can see the ties with 1984, the poem and "War is peace." But, what is it? I did enjoy it, but what would you call it?

Godly
02-12-2008, 7:55 PM
Holy crap, I love you...

You are getting so much better, it's amazing. Every story you write is something new and something creative. You have such a way with words, and there's really nothing here to critique, cause I see nothing wrong with it.

You are undoubtedly a magnificent writer.

Audioslave
02-12-2008, 7:59 PM
I can see the ties with 1984, the poem and "War is peace." But, what is it? I did enjoy it, but what would you call it?

That's a damn good question. It's not quite a short story, because I'm amazed at how much it flowed when I finished with it. It's not a poem, because it has no prose whatsoever.

I guess it's just...writing.

abbey
02-12-2008, 8:06 PM
Well, whatever it is, it's good. Like Godly said it's really cool too see how much you improve with everything you write. I would not be surprised if some day I came across a bestseller with your name on it.

(But then again, I don't know your name so I don't know how I could recognize it.)

Audioslave
02-12-2008, 8:14 PM
I'll sue Chriss Cornell for the right to the name Audioslave.

I mean...he's got to be pretty poor by now, right?

Godly
02-12-2008, 8:26 PM
You just keep telling yourself that and maybe you'll be lucky enough for it to happen. Till then I guess you'll just have to use your real name... Justin :O

By the way, have you ever at all thought about writing a novel? Or at least making a compilation of your short stories in a novella form. It would be cool, but then again, you're still young and have time to think about it still.

Till then, keep on writing us some awesome stories like this one =]

Audioslave
02-12-2008, 8:32 PM
I've actually seriously considered collecting some short stories into book forum. There's a grant system down here that sponsors youth with artistic aspirations. I was considering applying for the grant to get some of these printed.

Pyro
02-13-2008, 2:19 PM
Nice, it really did have a great flow. A collection of these short stories with a similar style might be a work of genius.

iGavin
02-14-2008, 5:28 AM
Oh...my...god.
I literally shed a tear. I'm not even joking man. Call me gay all you want I don't care, that poem/story was awsome. Read this poem while listening to Ghosts Of Reach on the Halo Soundtrack (or limewire or something), you have no idea how well the music fits in.
Bravo man! Bravo!

And about that grant, go for it man. You deserve it, I'd definately buy these if they were published.

Quadros
02-14-2008, 6:34 PM
I did really like it, I saw more connotations with WWI than I did with 1984 though I do appreciate the links. The only thing I feel I can critisize is the ending. Whilst the language works beautifully it seems more like an afterthought or an afterthought for completeness, it would need more body to do the rest of the work justice. It really is top work though.

iGavin
02-15-2008, 7:39 AM
What was 1984? Vietnam? (Sorry if it sounds retarded but I am actually asking. I'm English you see so I wouldn't know much about it ^_^ sorry again)
I too connected it with WWI like Quadros. Actually to tell the truth I thought it was about WWII.

Tweek
02-15-2008, 7:51 AM
What was 1984? Vietnam? (Sorry if it sounds retarded but I am actually asking. I'm English you see so I wouldn't know much about it ^_^ sorry again)
I too connected it with WWI like Quadros. Actually to tell the truth I thought it was about WWII.
1984 was a book written by British author George Orwell in the 1940's.
It is the ultimate dystopian novel.

Quadros
02-15-2008, 7:19 PM
What was 1984? Vietnam?

You can't be fucking serious. 1984 is THE dystopian novel, writen by THE political author, George Orwell. It's the source of terms like Big Brother and Thought Police. How on earth did you not know that?

iGavin
02-18-2008, 9:45 AM
How on earth did you not know that?
I'm not political or into politics, I hate Big Brother and I don't know what Thought Police is. Sorry dudes.

GenericInsanity
02-18-2008, 11:08 AM
I absolutely love it. And I understand everyone's parallels to both 1984 and with the World Wars. I adore your writing style, and they way that the entire piece just clicked. It's great. Honestly. Can't wait to read more.

abbey
02-24-2008, 4:08 PM
I'm not political or into politics, I hate Big Brother and I don't know what Thought Police is. Sorry dudes.
Not the show Big Brother, the term "big brother", as referring to the government or whoever's watching you.

iGavin
02-26-2008, 3:13 PM
Oh that book. I remember reading part of it for an exam, I loved it. Like I said though I only read a bit but I'd love to read the full book.

Audioslave
02-26-2008, 3:14 PM
For the record, it's not at all based on 1984.

Discussion killed.

Audioslave
02-26-2008, 8:43 PM
I fixed a few little issues with it. I think it's actually much better now.