A Little Bit of Writing

[abbey]

I've never really written very much outside of school but I do read a lot so I thought I'd try my hand at it. I know I'm not half as good as a lot of people on here *cough*Audio and Quadros*cough* but I want to improve. Critiques are welcome!

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It starts with a slight smile, or a nod or a wave. Maybe you were just being polite. Whether you knew the person or not, you just put yourself on the list.

Within the week people are being different around you. Your assigned parking spot is taken, street lights don’t turn on when you walk past, just the little things. After a month you know things are wrong. Your phone is dead. You don’t get hot water in your apartment. It’s coming. After 60 days you’re gone, and no one even remembers you were there.

These are government secrets: protected by thousands of passwords, padlocks, retina scanners, and codes. But I know them, because I’m the one that does it. I’m the one that makes people disappear.

By no means is it a glamorous job. I sit in my tiny office and rub my tired eyes. I’ve been staring at footage from the same street corner for 9 hours already today. I watch. It’s not even half as exciting as you’d think it would be. People are surprisingly boring. The only perk is the security. It won’t happen to me because I do it myself, and for that reason alone, I love my job.

It’s been gradual. It takes a while to build a network of people whose life is to watch, and even longer when it all has to be done in secret. The government is afraid. Of what I can’t say, but whatever it is, it’s big. Why else would they be making their own citizens “disappear”? The only clues I have are the things I’m watching for.

I have a twelve page list of “typical criminal behaviors,” most of them minute and habitual. My eyes flick across the screen, focusing on hand gestures, facial expressions, and even the tiniest of muscle contractions. Most of what you’re saying isn’t even with your mouth, everyone knows that. A slight raise of the eyebrow, I write it down. A finger twitch, I write it down. Training was a bitch, believe me. Most of the time people don’t get past three, but if I write someone down more than five times, they’ll be gone by April.
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I do have more ideas for plot and what not, but I figured I'd post what I have so far so that if it's complete shit I won't waste my time.

[Audioslave]

See, this won't work as a story.

It's quite well written, aside from a few little problems (which I'll point out later.) The main problem is that you tell too much of the story too quickly, considering you're setting yourself up for so much. You can go two ways; paint with broad strokes about the person/situation in general with no real plot, or; spread your information out over a longer period of time, using more examples.

If you've ever read a very well written thriller, you release a few things; the main character is given ample time to develop before the story starts and the plot is set up so that the momentum is conserved until the end, when it is released.

I'll get more to you later, but now I must go!

[abbey]

Ah okay. So if I want to continue with this I should go back and put in more detail and kind of slow things down a bit?

[spaj]

Depends on the length of the story; for a short story I'd say you could possibly pick it up right from where you've left it and begin to expand on the plot a little.

For a long story, though, yes, you're going to need quite a substantial amount of detail in the beginning; additionally make sure you clearly set out some sort of tangible context for the reader to work with.

EDIT: Forgot to say, I really liked it anyway. Very smoothly written and the vocabulary is well chosen.

[Godly]

I like it, it's a very interesting idea and so far the plot line is very intriguing. Maybe you could divulge a little less before you really get into the action, but I found it was alright how you did it, as long as you aren't expecting the story to be very long. It also depends a bit on what style of story you want it to become, cause right now there are a couple ways it could go. You could make it more of a thriller/dramatic story or you could make it more of a mind game or detective(ish) story or even you might have some other style in mind and by all means go with what you want to write. And when you know how you want to write it then you can decide if the plot advancement is too fast or at the right tempo.

But for me, it's totally fine =]

[abbey]

Thanks for the feedback, guys. :smile:

[Quadros]

It's written well, hinting at a Winston Smith with an intelligent spark, perhaps even going as far to say you're hinting at writing 1984 from O'brien's point of view. That's probably unfair, but any story on dystopian totalitarianism is going to draw comparisons to 1984. As for the stroy itself, it's a flowing read (aside from the problems Audio will probalby take care of) and does draw the reader in but there's not enough for any conclusive analysis, and the main character does seem under developed. However should you wish to develop him/her intwined with the storyline's development, it could work as a metaphor for the restriction of information. Still, I can only remain optomistic about the stoy's development.

[abbey]

So Audioslave, what else were you going to say about it?

[Audioslave]

I'm going to sit down and dissect it, you just need to give me some time. Busy schedule. Expect it next week.

[istalklang]

I'm not good enough to critique your writing as anything more than a grammar police (which I rarely do anyways), but I found the content interesting. I think it has a lot of potential to be a good read. I'd like to see a continuation.

[Liteboy]

It's written well, hinting at a Winston Smith with an intelligent spark, perhaps even going as far to say you're hinting at writing 1984 from O'brien's point of view. That's probably unfair, but any story on dystopian totalitarianism is going to draw comparisons to 1984. As for the stroy itself, it's a flowing read (aside from the problems Audio will probalby take care of) and does draw the reader in but there's not enough for any conclusive analysis, and the main character does seem under developed. However should you wish to develop him/her intwined with the storyline's development, it could work as a metaphor for the restriction of information. Still, I can only remain optomistic about the stoy's development.

I Gotta say, I was thinking so much of this while/after I was reading that segment.

and to you, the author, that was excellent. I really really liked the way it felt like a bent version of 1984 and everything.

[abbey]

and to you, the author, that was excellent. I really really liked the way it felt like a bent version of 1984 and everything.
Thanks!

[haza]

It really depends on how long you make it. If its gonna be a massive book then the reader may as well read that caption and put it back. However if its a short story / essay then its very good.

Excellent vocab, well written

[Audioslave]

Okay, sorry I didn't get to this earlier.

Red -> Consider removing it altogether. It is unnecessary and/or disrupts the flow
Blue -> Something I added in that I thought makes sense (take it or leave it.)
Green -> Something I changed completely. It conveys the same message, but (hopefully) it will work better.

It starts with a slight smile or a wave, perhaps even just a nod. Maybe you were just being polite. Maybe you didn't even know the person, but you just put yourself on the list.

Within a week people are being different around you. Your assigned parking spot is taken or street lights don’t turn on when you walk past; the little things. After a month you know things are wrong. Your phone is dead or you don’t get hot water in your apartment. That's when you know it’s coming. After 60 days you’re gone, and no one even remembers you were there.

These are government secrets: protected by thousands of passwords, padlocks, retina scanners, and codes. But I know them, because I’m the one that protects them. I’m the one that makes people disappear.

By no means is it a glamorous job. I sit in my tiny office and rub my tired eyes. I stare at footage from the same street corner for 9 hours a day. I watch. It’s not even half as exciting as you’d think it would be. People are surprisingly boring. The only perk is the security. It won’t happen to me because I do it myself, and for that reason alone; I love my job.

It’s been gradual. It takes a while to build a network of people whose life is to watch, and even longer when it all has to be done in secret. The government is afraid. Of what, I can’t say, but whatever it is; it’s big. Why else would they be making their own citizens “disappear”? The only clues I have are the things I’m watching for.

I have a twelve page list of “typical criminal behaviors,” most of them minute and habitual. My eyes flick across the screen, focusing on hand gestures, facial expressions, and even the tiniest of muscle contractions. Most of what you’re saying isn’t even with your mouth, everyone knows that. A slight raise of the eyebrow; I write it down. A finger twitch; I write it down. Training was a bitch, believe me. Most of the time people don’t get past three, but if I write someone down more than five times, they’ll be gone by April.


The major problems you have are with flow, verb usage and punctuation. It's not your style that is lacking, it's the ways you convey it. Some sentences are rather choppy and uneven, others move nicely. Some could benefit from semi-colon use (even though it's better to avoid them.) Because you're writing in an odd time (1st person present) and this leads to some confusion with tenses (believe me, I've been there. You're better off dropping it, there is little difference.)

Otherwise; I do like it. It needs some work, and it needs a continuation, although I see it being a very good work when finished.

[abbey]

It's in first person present because if I write more of it, the next section will be the guy telling the actual story. The first part is just him setting it up and describing his job.

Thank you so much for your input though. I thought the beginning was choppy, I just didn't know how to fix it. It flows a lot better with the changes you made.