Poemssssssssssssssssorry

[Kamazy]

1. Only in my head---------------------------------------------------------

A deadly smile is all I see
It's only in my head...

I see it when I close my eyes
It's only in my head...

This obsession will be the end of me
It's only in my head...

So close to me I can almost taste
It's only in my head...

Her breath travel down my neck
It's only in my head...

She stains my soul with all that she has said
It's only in my head...

She cuts her leg to forget the pain
It's only in her head...

But her pain it comes to me
It's only in my heart...

Her pain is taking over me
It’s only in my heart...

My pain cannot be real
It's only in my heart...

But her pain is real
It’s only in her heart...

I give her all my love
It’s all in our heart...

As she gets close to death
It's only in our head...

I will try to save her
But I fear she might soon be dead...

Saturday 3/8/2008 12:34 AM

2. We are our own demise---------------------------------------------------

I fall deeper into the abyss each and every day.
But what I know will not help, is to pray.

For God has left this world and left us here.
Left us all to run in fear.

Fear of people, who I will not tell.
The people that make this world our hell.

This world of ours that we should save.
But it looks like we're digging out own grave.

Build my grave and put a stone.
Put no name, for I’m all alone.

Alone in my mind I write.
Each and every night I fight.

Fight my demons to be gone.
But they won't leave me alone.

As you look into your screen.
You do not know what I have seen.

But that is something I will say.
Not right now, some other day.

Saturday 3/8/2008 3:44 am

3. A damaged soul-------------------------------------------------

I found a damaged soul sitting on the street.
Waiting for someone to comfort her in her time of need.

For someone to call her no doubt.
She sits crying her eyes out.

Her tears are covered up by the rain.
No one else can see her pain.

I grab her hang and kiss her cheek.
At times like this you don't need to speak.

I can see it all in her eyes.
Beep inside I can feel her cries.

There is no place she can truly call her home.
And she thinks she is all alone.

But I have always been with her.
And my spirit will always be with her.

We might meet some day.
Even if I am so far away.

Until that time comes.
You know that I’m yours.

Something you can call your own.
With me you'll never be alone.

Saturday 3/8/2008 6:36 pm

--------------------------------------------------------------------

These are my first EVER poems, so what do ya think? should i go on, or just give up?

[Quadros]

They're ok but there are four major problems I can see:

1. you're severely constraining yourself with the rhyming structure but then breaking it in one place with no symbolic value, which cracks the structure in the first place. It's like a gaping wound two of your poems.

2. In your first poem the repetatition holds some value but im my opinion goes on too long and then switches, making it very disjointed.

3. The couplet based structure you've imposed limits the development of the poems and indeed even when read together, the poems don't seem to develop. Poems are meant to blossom like a flower and end in full bloom, but yours are more of a jumbled assortment of paired lines.

4. Your sylable limitation is far too tight, leaving you with little room for expansive wordplay.

[Mr. Crow]

/Emo.

Your poetry has the same problem that 99% of amateur poetry has. Spitting out some depressing verses with a touch of rhyming doesn't make good poetry. It makes you look like a sad teenager holed up in his room, slicing his wrists while "pouring his soul" into a black diary covered with Marilyn Manson stickers.

I'm not going to pretend to be an expert on poetry. I don't know what makes good poetry or anything about rythmic structure (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Meter_%28poetry%29), but I do know when something is good and when something is not good. Your poetry is not special in any way, shape, or form.

[Godly]

I'm sad, blah blah blah, I'm unhappy, blah blah blah, I'm depressive, blah blah blah, people want to kill me cause I'm so fake, blah blah blah.

Find something else to write about or don't write at all.

[Kamazy]

Quadros: Ok thanks, i'll work on that. I'm still new to this and i don't know all that much about the structures and when they break.

I'm sad, blah blah blah, I'm unhappy, blah blah blah, I'm depressive, blah blah blah, people want to kill me cause I'm so fake, blah blah blah.


If you got that from my poems, then you really can't see the meaning of the poems. The 1st and 3rd are 100% real and not made up.

[Tyler_Legrand]

If you got that from my poems, than you really can't see the meaning.

Hahahahahaha

The job of any production intended for a general audience is to be clear. Blaming the audience is just asking for trouble.

[Kamazy]

Hahahahahaha

The job of any production intended for a general audience is to be clear. Blaming the audience is just asking for trouble.

Art is subjective.

[spaj]

The poetic structure is there, but seeing how English isn't your first language I can understand the lack of word choice in the poem.

What really makes these types of poems unique is the way the poet presents it both structurally and linguistically; yes, it's true, it's the same old message, but see if you can perhaps fix your wording a little bit.

[Oofie]

Yeah, but if it's so subjective that no-one can see what you want them to see, it's a bit pointless.

They're too personal. I know art is personal, especially when it comes to poetry but this is like reading some angst ridden teenager's blog. People should be able to read their own meanings into a poets work. Like you said, it's subjective. It's subjective for the reader too. You might look at a sonnet and see love and romance and when I look at the same sonnet I see heartache.

I disagree with Tyler though, I like ambiguity in a poem, so I can read my own meanings into it like I said above. I like complexity and confusion. This poems are about as deep as a puddle.

[Kamazy]

Aoife: Just the people here don't seem to get it.. i don't know why. on my mibba and all my friends get them and say them love them... so i don't know. Maybe the explosm audience just isn't the type to like them.

spaj: thanks i am looking into making more elaborate words and in general expanding my vocabulary.

[Tyler_Legrand]

Not subjective enough. Everyone's sensing the emo vibe from it.

And it's hypocritical to say your poem is subjective, and claim Godly "can't see the meaning of it". This implies an objective meaning. If it's indeed subjective, then Godly can't be wrong.

If it's not giving the general feeling that you intended and you really care about that, then it's your job to make sure it does, not other's jobs to change their personalities.

[Kamazy]

Tyler_Legrand: Dude :stfu:. I didn't write it for her and i didn't blame her for not liking it. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

[Tyler_Legrand]

But you seemed to write the poem with a meaning in mind for people to get, and it doesn't appear to be successful in that point. Are you sure you want to let that go? If so, okay. :(

[Kamazy]

Ok i will explain what each poems is about so hopefully you will get it.
It's not so much a MEANING as a story, i tried to paint a picture with my words.

1. Only in my head
Is about a EMO/goth girl that i love but she keeps cutting herself and i really don't like that so i am trying to make her stop.

2. We are our own demise.
This is just a general thought about the world and the way it's heading.

3.A damaged soul
This is about a goth girl i know that was cast out by her parent and almost everyone when she was 15 because they were junkies and she called the cops on them after she had enough to their drugs and abuse. You don't need to know anymore.

[Audioslave]

She cuts her leg to forget the pain
It's only in her head...


Oh come on.

There's nothing good or original about this. It's not a shock that your avatar is from My Chemical Romance.

[Goblin Boy]

Your poetry is bad and you should feel bad.

Your friends may kiss your ass about it but we will not. If you can't deal with people telling you how awful your art is you shouldn't show it off.

[Kamazy]

Goblin Boy: I'v posted those on some other sites and they were "loved".


Screw you guys, just delete this thread and forget about it. I'll stick to showing my poems to the people they are about or to people who can relate. Which operantly isn't the explosm crowd.

[Counterfeit Dreamer]

What use is posting these, asking for advice/critiques, if you aren't going to listen?

The point is, if you insist on making "depressing" material your subject matter, then the poem itself will have to outshine the subject. If a poem is excellent, it is more likely to be forgiven for being "emo."

The main problem you seem to have is sentence structure - it is awkward, and breaks the flow of the poem. If, as Spaj said, English is your second language, then perhaps you should ask for help from a native speaker.

[Audioslave]

Goblin Boy: I'v posted those on some other sites and they were "loved".


Screw you guys, just delete this thread and forget about it. I'll stick to showing my poems to the people they are about or to people who can relate. Which operantly isn't the explosm crowd.

Write a poem about it.

[Kamazy]

What use is posting these, asking for advice/critiques, if you aren't going to listen?
There is a difference between REAL advice such as Quadros,spaj and Aoife gave me. And the flaming that the other people did.

Thank you Quadros,spaj and Aoife.

[Audioslave]

He's some criticism; they're not good. That's what we're trying to tell you.

There really aren't any redeeming qualities. There's no good use of literary devices, no great imagery, basically nothing would take anybody aback.

If anybody gave it great reviews, they're either lying or as bad as a poet as you appear to be.

[Pig Fucker]

There is a difference between REAL advice such as Quadros gave me. And the flaming that everyone else did.

Thank you Quadros.

Holy Crap, the world is backwards.

I pretty much agree with everyone else in this thread. They are unorginal and mundanely composed. The ideas are lacking the kind of substance needed to create really good poetry, as opposed to some main-stream escapist shit. It is okay for a mediocre one-time thing which you might want to show to some friends who will then tell you "It's really good", but the Explosm audience is a lot more critical of art than most other audiences. We're not going to hold back like everyone else is, mainly because these forums have some REAL talent, and anything that doesn't meet the standards of those brilliant people on here should not be praised at the same level.

[Kamazy]

Write a poem about it.

I'v dug a grave.
For Audioslave.

One shot in the head.
Should make sure he's dead.

Audioslave: I'm not asking for reviews here! I'm asking for help in the poetic parts like the structure and stuff like that, because i'm new to it and i'm sure i made many mistakes. I couldn't care less if you didn't like what the poem is about. I just need to know what technical parts of it are wrong.

Thanks to Quadros,spaj and Aoife. I know what parts are odd and need improvements. That's called constructive criticism. What you did is just flaming.

Just lock this thread as anything anyone else could say it just not needed anymore, i got what advice i was looking for.

[Audioslave]

I'v dug a grave.
For Audioslave.

One shot in the head.
Should make sure he's dead.

Audioslave: I'm not asking for reviews here! I'm asking for help in the poetic parts like the structure and stuff like that, because i'm new to it and i'm sure i made many mistakes. I couldn't care less if you didn't like what the poem is about. I just need to know what technical parts of it are wrong.

I'm swooning.

And if you post anything online for anyone, you're asking it to be reviewed. End of story. And if you want poetic help, read a fucking book. Seriously, read poetry not listen to a Hawthorne Heights song.

[Goblin Boy]

Ya' know kamazy, for a guy who has "I mean no offense in my posts, but i don't sugarcoat anything, so man up or get out." quoted in their sig, you sure act like a child.

[xkittenxsocksx]

Do you have any imagination at all...
I could pull something more lucrative out of my ass than your steaming pile of dog wank within a matter of minutes. You need to avoid cliché lines and receive criticism with grace.

[Shagg]

Don't reject and spas out on the criticism that Audio gives you. Audio is a very good writer, so don't act like he's out to flame you or anything. :ahe:

[Godly]

Screw you guys, just delete this thread and forget about it. I'll stick to showing my poems to the people they are about or to people who can relate. Which operantly isn't the explosm crowd.

Good, keep the emo shit to the emo shites.

And I don't know if you just didn't notice, but every time someone posts poems on Explosm, they never get rave reviews, especially if it's depressive clichéd crap.

[Audioslave]

Good, keep the emo shit to the emo shites.

And I don't know if you just didn't notice, but every time someone posts poems on Explosm, they never get rave reviews, especially if it's depressive clichéd crap.

Actually, I've found that in general, the reviews for all the writing in the sc is a bit too positive, with the exception of threads like this.

[Oofie]

Just because you can write and therefore get great reviews doesn't mean we're softies :mad:

Oh and no probs Kamazy.

[xkittenxsocksx]

thanks i am looking into making more elaborate words and in general expanding my vocabulary.

'Big' words don't automatically make your songs/poems
intellectual. If they're used wrong, then it just looks out of place,
and I doubt you memorising a thesaurus would help improve
anything at all.

[Quadros]

Yeah I've come to the conclusion that you, Kamazy, are a mega-ultra-poser. Try not giving a shit about what other people think about you maybe then you can write your own poetry and not regurgitate 90% of teenagers' blogs.

[spaj]

You might want to take in the criticism a little better Kamazy. Just ignore the people who assume that just because they're on explosm constructive criticism doesn't exist.

But guys, come on, English isn't his first language anyway. You're acting like as if he should have an extensive range of vocabulary at hand but he really, really doesn't :indiff:

[Casalen]

Just the people here don't seem to get it..

I hate you. These are people I see constantly in photography and filmmaking circles; the 'tortured artist'. People think they're morally superior for saying it's okay as long as they like it, but that's just not the case. The point of these forms is to get your thoughts transitioned to the audience; you can be proud of yourself and put your work on the refrigerator if you want, maybe even earn a gold star from your collection, but it doesn't mean anything if you're the only one who likes it. These people have a tendency to assume that it's the fault of the listener or reader if they don't like it, because the creator obviously can't have done poorly. These people then continue to suck, while trying to convince people they're geniuses- which works great when speaking with other people like themselves, who want to think they're in the artistic elite by getting what we mainstreamers just can't grasp. That's a load of crap, and if you have to explain it to hope that it seems like anything other than a collection of stock words to pretend to be emotional and meaningful, you have failed in creating a viable piece of art. Maybe you should study poetry and continue working on it if that's what you want, as the last question in the original post asks, but development isn't possible with a 'they just don't get it' mentality.

[spaj]

I hate you. These are people I see constantly in photography and filmmaking circles; the 'tortured artist'. People think they're morally superior for saying it's okay as long as they like it, but that's just not the case. The point of these forms is to get your thoughts transitioned to the audience; you can be proud of yourself and put your work on the refrigerator if you want, maybe even earn a gold star from your collection, but it doesn't mean anything if you're the only one who likes it. These people have a tendency to assume that it's the fault of the listener or reader if they don't like it, because the creator obviously can't have done poorly. These people then continue to suck, while trying to convince people they're geniuses- which works great when speaking with other people like themselves, who want to think they're in the artistic elite by getting what we mainstreamers just can't grasp. That's a load of crap, and if you have to explain it to hope that it seems like anything other than a collection of stock words to pretend to be emotional and meaningful, you have failed in creating a viable piece of art.

Please, you just sound like an elitist asshole of photographer saying such nonsense; in Kamazy's defense nowhere has he said that he's a good poet. There's a reason why we call it improvement:

These are my first EVER poems, so what do ya think? should i go on, or just give up?

You have to realise there's a whole spectrum of proficiency in artistic skills, from the amateur to the professional. All your post is saying is that if you can't bring it up to an above average level there's no point of making art.

[Quadros]

Results 1 - 10 of about 291,000 for emo poetry. (0.18 seconds)

If you showed me any of them, and told me you wrote them, I would compare them to your efforts here and believe you. Poetry's about portraying YOURSELF.

[Audioslave]

Just because you can write and therefore get great reviews doesn't mean we're softies :mad:


I truthfully don't think I deserved some of the more generous reviews I got.

[Casalen]

in Kamazy's defense nowhere has he said that he's a good poet. There's a reason why we call it improvement:

No, and I didn't say he did; in fact, the last line said 'first ever' in a modest seeming way for a reason, and I quoted the only part I was responding to.

[Kamazy]

you, Kamazy, are a mega-ultra-poser



Poetry's about portraying YOURSELF.

Those poems are 100% true and things in my life... I'm sorry my life is a "cliché" :ahe:.

http://poems.mibba.com/ enjoy.

I myself am not an EMO, in fact i detest most EMOs but i know many people that are EMO and i like to help them come out of it.

http://member.mibba.com/35531/poems/ also enjoy.

[Quadros]

Yeah, they're true of EVERYONE'S life. EVERYONE goes through heartache and regret, but like it or not you're in the best period of your life right now so stop being so fucking dramatic and depressed about it. Seriously, Just look at the brightside, and your work will shine.

[Audioslave]

Those poems are 100% true and things in my life... I'm sorry my life is a "cliché" :ahe:.

http://poems.mibba.com/ enjoy.

I myself am not an EMO, in fact i detest most EMOs but i know many people that are EMO and i like to help them come out of it.

http://member.mibba.com/35531/poems/ also enjoy.

What in your life was so painful that you needed to torture us with this dreadful prose?

[Kamazy]

Quadros: :ahe: What the... have i been depressed anywhere. :| I love my life... But alot of the people i know don't, so i like to help them in their bad times and these poems are about that.

[spaj]

Wait, so you don't have any internal struggles whatsoever?

EDIT: i.e. you're genuinely happy?

[Audioslave]

Quadros: :ahe: What the... have i been depressed anywhere. :| I love my life... But alot of the people i know don't, so i like to help them in their bad times and these poems are about that.

Yeah, and you're the only one in the world. Writing depressing poetry doesn't help.

[Kamazy]

spaj: Well... i wouldn't go that far, but it's fine i don't wanna kill myself or anything, got a good job got a good GF what more do i need? I'm not one of those emo that stay in their room all day listening to marlin mansin and cutting them self and writing in some poetry book. :|

I'm a fucking civil building designer and these are the first poems i ever write and they are about a few of my friends who do like to write those kind of poems and i thought it would be nice to talk to them in their own way. :|

[Audioslave]

spaj: Well... i wouldn't go that far, but it's fine i don't wanna kill myself or anything, got a good job got a good GF what more do i need? I'm not one of those emo that stay in their room all day listening to marlin mansin and cutting them self and writing in some poetry book. :|

I'm a fucking civil building designer. :|

Wait....you're older than 13? :indiff:

[spaj]

But then that means your poems are lacking originality, a personal touch and technical mastery. You have a long way to go, my friend :tongue:

[Kamazy]

spaj: Yeah i know, and i'v never read a book. :P They are lacking originality, but like i said they are about my friends and 100% true so i guess that makes the facts unoriginal. When i get any more inspiration i'll see if that comes out better.
Silly me i was actually hoping for someone here to give me some advice and they did, but there is nothing stopping the others from posting also.

Audioslave: Am... yeah :| So fast to judge arn't you. :|

[edit]

Yeah Shagg i was going to stop posting, but i hate being called a poser.

Anyway, this really is my last post on this thread.

Thanks to those who helped and a HUGE Love you to the people who just flamed away.

[Shagg]

Kamazy, just take the criticism and stop trying to defend a losing fight.

P.S- You do know there are pre-made smilies like :indiff:? You shouldn't have to keep making these; ":|".

[Casalen]

spaj: Well... i wouldn't go that far, but it's fine i don't wanna kill myself or anything, got a good job got a good GF what more do i need?

A great job and two girlfriends?

[Quadros]

And a real life dinosaur.

[Audioslave]

Skill in writing poetry?

[Quadros]

let's not stray into the realm of fantasy here Audio.

[Mr. Crow]

Kamazy, if your poems were only meant for you and your friends and only have relevance to you and your friends, why the hell did you post them here?

You can't post something on an internet forum and then say, "WELL IT MEANS A LOT TO ME AND ITS REAL AND YOU JUST DON'T GET IT" when people don't like your work.

Fuck, even looking past the material, the writing is bad and just boring. You suck at poetry, accept it. Stick to haiku or something.

My friend cuts herself.
It is only in my head...
Please stop, emo friend.

[Quadros]

that's not a haiku

[Godly]

Anyway, this really is my last post on this thread.


You do realize that you can lock your own threads... So save the mods the trouble and lock this thing yourself.

Ad try not to get distracted by your "I say I'm not emo, but I sure as hell aren't happy"-ness on your way to the lock button.

[Quadros]

Don't tell him that this is still fun.

[xkittenxsocksx]

You have that one extra chromosome dontcha?

[Quadros]

Well hey at least he's trying to share it with the rest of us.