Oh hey so I wrote a Rap

[Quadros]

And whilst I'm pretty happy with the verses, I don't know about the chorus or the last bit, which is basically just there for my buddy to replace with a verse himself if he wants. So basically do you like the chorus, and also would the two verses wrk better as one big verse with a second equally big verse following it? I'm pretty serious about recordin this over my easter holiday with my aforementioned buddy as a ska punk/rap song for part of his music tech college work, so yeah.

PROTEST BEAT (Working Title).

People say it’s not ok that I come across irate
I got issues with bitches who won’t let people migrate
KKK think it’s ok to live their life based on hate
The BNP who just can’t see this isn’t a white state
But there’s a lot of facts that all these twats seem to be ignoring
That lots of people come from states that we’re waging a war in
Like proportionally British born most think laws are boring
And migrants are all working, unemployment is soaring

I got my views but you won’t let me speak
I end up having to lecture to protest beats
And you think that your laughs have me admit defeat
But if that’s your only answer then here’s protest beat

I don’t see how you can plea that our lives would get worse
Like there’s some kind of major problem with us being diverse
Like these people are all bringing in some kind of a curse
With their stringent moral values and willingness to work
And I’ve gotta ask you what you did to live with such luck?
I bet it wasn’t weeks of freezing in the back of a truck
After facing death from governments we helped to corrupt
You tell me they don’t have a right here? Well I’ll tell you that that’s fucked

I got my views but you won’t let me speak
I end up having to lecture to protest beats
And you think that only laughs have me admit defeat
But if that’s your only answer here’s a protest beat

And we say ‘don’t blindly follow orders’
Unless it involves crossing borders
But if you’re medical across the waters
Then get over here and help support us

[SydBarrett]

Rap isn't crap minus the r. It's just crap.

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[Quadros]

Wow, massive help, dickhead.

Infact, I'm going to go further. You joined, what, today? and without so much as reading the fucking rules you decided to piss on my efforts not for their merits but the form in which they're presented? Well fuck you you closed minded piece of shit. You couldn't come up with anything half this good with three months to work and any form of your choosing, and that's not to say this is awesome, it's to say you're a talentless ignorant piece of shit with nothing to offer society. So fuck you and piss off, you stupid twat.

[I_Smell]

Wow. I loved that. Nicely done.

Couple things that stood out:
The last line of the first verse,
And migrants are all working, unemployment is soaring
I don't thinkt it's got enough syllables. I don't know what the beat is, but I couldn't work out how that bit fits in with the rest.
The other thing is that the last verse sounds like a monologue you'd hear at the end of Captain Planet or something.

I don't think it'd work as well as one big verse with another equally big verse. It makes an impact as it is, but I might get bored if it were twice as long. That's just me though.

[Matterialize]

I'd really have to hear it actually being performed. I've read it over and right now it doesn't seem any different from the multitudes of other "getting-beat-down-by-the-man" rap and punk out there. And I used to listen to a lot of rap, back in th' day. :hmm:

If you can get a solid rhythm and really give a unique flow to the lyrics when you're recording, it might sound alright. But it doesn't come off as anything particularly special to me. :/

[Raxo]

That was pretty good. The fact that it's short makes it more direct and not a chore to listen to. Not knowing what it sounds like I really can only judge the lyrics which are average in the political rapper world.

The chorus is great. It's nice and catchy but wether it works is based on your beat selection.

I don't know what kind of flow you'll use but a slower flow would seem a better fit for a politically conscious song rather than trying to rap as fast as possible.

[Quadros]

well thanks so far guys, I've taken your comments into consideration. Smelly, I can't a problem with the last line of the first verse, but then I wrote it. In my head and the beat I'm working with, it works, and it's a fairly slow rhythm, so i might be filling in the gap wih elongated sylables, I don't know. Also It does a bit, but for some reason I think that's what I was going for. I'm too proud of the way it runs to change it now.

Matt: This track's going to bounce along, despite the relative slowness of the rapping, rest assured.

Raxo: Thanks for the reassurance about the chorus, I was of mixed feelings about it.

[Godly]

I don't like rap and that's for a reason, cause it's generally the same. Some guy talking about things he's never even gone through and dissing shit he's never actually stood up against. That or he raps about violence and money.
But you actually did something different, you managed to write something that wasn't just some crappy spew. So I'm glad it wasn't generic. Having said that, I didn't really care for it. It's ok, but I wouldn't listen to your song for it's lyrics. But keep in mind I'm biased, so your rap really isn't bad at all.

[exetra]

Nice that you've been able to express the message with clarity. Rhyming in the first verse is nice (rhyming within a line is something I like to do from time to time).

That last part (kind of like a bridge or a coda?) doesn't really do it for me. Chorus is great though, maybe change around the grammatical syntax a bit to easy the flow and make it seem a little bit less rigid if you know what I mean.

[Quadros]

Change the syntax in the chorus or the whole thing?

[Niki]

It's a hell of a lot better than any other rap. I like it because it actually has a point and its not about "goin 2 tha club n fuckin bitchz", and because it seems like you actually know what you're talking about.

[exetra]

Just the chorus really. The verses flow quite nicely.

[xkittenxsocksx]

And we say ‘don’t blindly follow orders’
Unless it involves crossing borders
But if you’re medical across the waters
Then get over here and help support us

Your flow is pretty similar to Ice-t circa 1991,
It's a nice little gem.

[Rui]

I found the lyrics good. You avoided repetition and got some good rhyming going, while still making a good point. I'd like to see it flowing now - how about a video of your performance?

[GCBC]

I briefly scanned this and I thought to myself, "Ugh. Another piece of work where the last word of every line rhymes." I normally hate that shit, because then it usually ends up sounding really forced and not always making sense. However upon reading it more carefully, I think you did a pretty decent job. I agree with Smelly though about how there is something not right about the last line, but alas I can't come up with any solution.

[Idioteque]

That was really quite excellent Quadros. Typically amateur-ish raps are really cheesy and lame, but this was really well thought out.
A nice ska or punk song behind this will be really awesome.

[Knight of Cydonia]

Very nice Job man. While reading this it reminded me a lot of some rage against the machine lyrics. For me I would like it performed in that way but it's your rap not mine. Nice work again.

[Pelican Man]

Very nice Job man. While reading this it reminded me a lot of some rage against the machine lyrics. For me I would like it performed in that way but it's your rap not mine. Nice work again.

I imagined it the same. With kind of a train station-announcer, spoken-word feel to the verses. Not a bad thing, in my book, just different. Although, upon a second reading, it feels like it really could be taken a couple of different ways, it'll be interesting to see what you do with the beat.

Any plans of recording, and how?

[Tempest]

To me it feels like the verses are running over too many measures. I obviously haven't heard the actual musical track, but when I read it for some reason it seems like to me the song will sound jumbled so that the bars can extend long enough to fit the actual rap. Maybe I'm just crazy, they just seem like they move on too long for me. Unless the way you posted it isn't actually the bars you're going to rap it in, maybe split them in half across a measure. I dunno, without the music it's hard to judge anything but lyrical content, which is actually very good. I feel like the chorus is a bit weak, but nothing serious. The message is pushed across very clearly and the rhymes work well together.

EDIT:
Rap isn't crap minus the r. It's just crap.

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Reason: Ban extended for being a retard.

Har har, rap isn't cap?

[dalton]

I thought the lyrics were pretty good but its two different things to write and to perform. I'm gonna ignore the fact that i hate rap and say it was very good for a first timer. (i'm assuming this is your first...)