A Short Story...maybe you won't hate it

[timbot]

Deleted. . .sorry

[History]

I really enjoyed the first part of your story. It sucked me in and I actually read the whole thing instead of getting bored. The reader gets a feel for your characters personalities right from the start. I also felt like you captured the beginning of a relationship very well. It was entertaining and at times amusing. I especially liked the following part: "It was as if to be seen now in just her black panties would cross some line. It was as if, under the cover of night, in the dim light of her bedroom, four senses could be indulged, that they could know each other's bodies by touch, smell, taste and hearing to whatever intimate extent they desired, but to approach that level of intimacy through sight would be reason to blush." Not only is it true, but I liked your word choice.

Now onto the negatives.
I really disliked the end of your story. I almost feel like you either got tired of writing by the time he gets back to Michigan or it's a part you just haven't had a chance to revise yet. Your whole style completely changes. You still describe things very well, the "adult relationships" or the chics with tattoos and peircings, but your set ups are boring. First he goes to a bar, then another bar, then another bar. It's unneccessary. Nothing interesting happens in that time span. I feel like I got to know your characters, but they don't actually do anything. Your story lacks action. Another problem I had is in the beginning you talk of them being together again, and your main character goes into what seems to be a flashback. You go over the events of their first few days together, and then all of a sudden your character is home from his vacation and away from his new girl. So where is he? With his woman or sad and dejected in his apartment? If this makes any sense, you just wrote a runon flashback.
Overall, I did like it and would be interested in reading more. You describe people incredibly well, but you need to work on your actual plot development.

[timbot]

Thanks for the praise and criticism. I think I did get toward the end and just kind of lose interest. I sometimes lose my way in my stories, and miss what I was aiming for and just fizzle out. I'll have to reread it and check out the flashback to make the whole thing flow better.

[abbey]

Woooah put spaces between the paragraphs and then I'll read it.

[timbot]

Deleted...just like the part before.

[History]

Hey there timbot, sorry it took me a while to get around to your second part. It made the rest of your story a little more coherent, though you still have some problems. If you plan on persuing this particular writing (as I'm sure you have many others) I would go through and revise the entire thing in order to make it flow better. My problem still mostly lies within your character returning home after vacation. The people you introduce there have little to do with the second part (other than remarks at seeing him out with the girlfriend). Basically, as I think I said before, they are supporting characters that you are trying to make us care about, but it does nothing for your story. Although they better underline your main character, any of their quirks and personality traits are insignificant and basically filler.

I still enjoy your writing style. You have an ability to capture people and their personalities, or maybe you and I just have similar traits. To me though, that was the most interesting part of your story. I think what you should do now is work on your plot development. There wasn't a whole lot of action, and not to be cliche, but you need some sort of climax. Otherwise, reading this I feel like "well what was the point". Even if it is only to entertain you should include some sort of idea or lesson. You can disregard this, as it's an opinion (I only really write nonfiction), but I personally don't like reading things without some sort of greater meaning. What you have here is a social commentary.

[INTUNEevolution]

Oh fuck, I posted this massive response to this where I tactfully point out errors and distinguish the easily fixed errors with the not-so-easy-to-fix ones. I X'd out before it posted. Grr. I'm not doing that again. Maybe tomorrow.

[green rubber bands]

I read the first post, but not the second. Overall, some of your wording seems a bit awkward and redundant. Also, I feel that as it is now, it skirts depth, and had a little bit more thought and effort gone into the meaning instead of the word, you would've made it.

Good job though.

[Xambesi]

You seem to have some good ideas, but I feel like I didn't learn enough about the characters or the settings, and your phrasing seemed to a be a bit awkward.
That said, it was definitely miles better than some of the other short stories (or novellas) I've seen on here and I think if you perhaps changed the tense and added some more descriptive paragraphs it would be vastly improved.
Also, I was completely thrown by the names Shaunica and Nanetta. It kind of made it all seem a bit ridiculous.

[timbot]

Thanks for the input guys. You make some pretty good points. I did a little proofreading today and made some changes. Nothing major yet, though I have some ideas. Got rid of some of the more superfluous stuff and tried to get it a little more focused.
I'm curious to read all the points you brought up, Alex.

Xambesi: Shaunica and Nanetta are actually the names of two of my friends in real life. Though, I realized they're almost the only characters with names, and I think I'm going to change that.
I had written part of it in present tense, but I didn't really like that.

[Xambesi]

Xambesi: Shaunica and Nanetta are actually the names of two of my friends in real life. Though, I realized they're almost the only characters with names, and I think I'm going to change that.
I had written part of it in present tense, but I didn't really like that.
Are you serious?!
They're real names?
Those poor kids.
On a literary note, I think I would prefer it if all the main characters had names. Maybe not those names, but names of some kind.

[timbot]

Yeah, i think I will give the main characters names. I'm just terrible with coming up with names I like for my characters. And apparently when I use real names of my friends they just sound odd. What's a boy to do?

[INTUNEevolution]

I basically said don't spend so much time on the sex scene, it's like 1/6 of the story. Also, I saw a lot of you in this story, I think.

Advice, if you're going to trim the story up, start with the sex. Also, try to include some tangential, philosophical lesson at the end, just to say it has a point.

Also, pretend what I just said was at all tactful, because the first time I wrote it, it was :P

[timbot]

The sex scene? I mean, I never actually discuss them having sex. In fact, they never do have sex. I don't think I can cut out the parts about sex type things because, well, that's what I'm trying to talk about. I am trying to get a point here about people and relationships, but I'm obviously not doing it very well. I'll keep working on it.

[Quadros]

Sorry, but this was really boring. There was no hook or storyline, just one long dreary livejournal-esque diary entry, except you switched 'I' with 'he'. You have some great ideas but there have no life to them. The father could have been a real character, but he failed to display any life at all. The girl was nothing more of a prop, which is really weird, and the whole 'emotional struggle' was barely portrayed at all. To be honest, if BBC news did pieces on kids' boring lives, your piece is how it would read.

[INTUNEevolution]

This shit just got real.

[timbot]

Sorry, but this was really boring. There was no hook or storyline, just one long dreary livejournal-esque diary entry, except you switched 'I' with 'he'. You have some great ideas but there have no life to them. The father could have been a real character, but he failed to display any life at all. The girl was nothing more of a prop, which is really weird, and the whole 'emotional struggle' was barely portrayed at all. To be honest, if BBC news did pieces on kids' boring lives, your piece is how it would read.

Hmm...why do you think the father could be a real character? He's pretty minor, so I'm curious what draws you to him to more than the other small characters. I'd also say it's not really an emotional struggle, but a philosophical struggle. Though, however you term it, your point is probably still valid.
Also, what great ideas do you see in there?

[Quadros]

you introduced him shirtless and drinking at 2PM, which suggests either deadbeat dickhead or don't-give-a-shit eccentric legend. The fact that the girl wants her boyfriend to meet him suggests the later, but this is a potentially charming detail you leave unexploited. He may be a minor character, but he's still a character, which suggests he HAS character, which you failed to adequately display.

Similarly with the chick herself, she's meant to be something special, but she's not given any chance to sparkle. She speaks once at the start of the relationship and once at the end, but there's nothing in the middle. You shouldn't tell your reader how the character develops, you should show them. Use dialogue. Allow your reader to explore the character for their self.

Your great ideas were those 'should-be-genuinely-interesting' characters, and the storyline itself. I just didn't feel the up till 5AM conversations with hesistant goodbyes, or the thinking about her at the wrong time and almost crashing your car, or the diving across your room sending your dinner, chair and dog flying when the phone rings. You have a character thinking about this girl with an eye constantly fixed on his past, but tell us bugger all about his past!

But hey at least you're better than INTUNEevolution.

INTUNEevolution: NOW shit just got real.:fmita:

[timbot]

Thanks for the input, Quadros. It's good stuff. I know I'm pretty terrible with dialogue, and in all my writing I have very little of it. Definitely something I need to work on. I'll definitely be working on paring down the parts that aren't important and building up on other things to make it all more interesting.

P.S. This is the realest shit I've ever seen!

[green rubber bands]

Also, try to include some tangential, philosophical lesson at the end, just to say it has a point.

Don't do this. Ever.

[Audioslave]

Listen:

You have great writing ability. What you don't have is the ability to proof read and put everything in its place, clarify and eliminate the redundant. I got to a certain point where I liked how it was presented, but I couldn't stand how I had to work so hard to understand what was being said. There was a lot of clunky sentences and overall clarity issues.

So my advice is this; open two windows of MS word/get two pieces of paper/whatever. Have your original copy on the left, and a blank sheet on the right. Completely re-write this story and only use the original as a guideline. You will find that this helps your story ten-fold.

[timbot]

Listen:

You have great writing ability. What you don't have is the ability to proof read and put everything in its place, clarify and eliminate the redundant. I got to a certain point where I liked how it was presented, but I couldn't stand how I had to work so hard to understand what was being said. There was a lot of clunky sentences and overall clarity issues.

So my advice is this; open two windows of MS word/get two pieces of paper/whatever. Have your original copy on the left, and a blank sheet on the right. Completely re-write this story and only use the original as a guideline. You will find that this helps your story ten-fold.

Yeah, perhaps I should have proofread this before I posted it. I do actually have the ability, I just hadn't done it. Suppose I got too eager to get someone to read it. Also, I find it hard to motivate myself to proofread my work unless I know someone else is going to read it seriously. But, since I've posted it here, I have printed it out and made lots of notes, and found several more mistakes than I realized were in there.
That is excellent advice, though, and I really appreciate it.
I'm usually the one proofreading and editing someone else's work, not the who's work is being checked. It's hard to for me to see the things in my own work that I would easily notice in someone else's.

[Audioslave]

Ahah. You sound just like me. I swear I've said the same thing (in so many words.)

Normally I'd run through it and just fix some stuff up for you, but you need to do it on your own first (so you have creative control) then I'll look at it again, if you want.

[timbot]

If you're really interested, in doing more proof reading for me, I'll send you an updated version later...hopefully it won't be too long before I get a decent revision done. I may repost it on here, but I don't want to make a whole thread with version after version of a 7 page story.

[Audioslave]

Just replace the original.

[timbot]

Ok, I finally got through with some revisions on this. So, if you're not totally bored with my story, reread it and tell me what you think now. I kept it split up like before.

[Wackomyjacko]

Your story flowed nicely enough for me to understand what was going on, although you didn't introduce the characters well enough. I like writing as well and that is one of my problems.

[misserinnicole]

have you always felt this way about the "Erin" character for the years after these encounters happened?

i think this story could benefit from more exploration of the "Erin" character. perhaps she's not the sex crazed vixen the story portrays her to be...

just a thought.

[timbot]

no, I have not always felt that way about Erin. I don't actually think she's a sex-crazed vixen at all. In the story she's supposed to be a little bit, but the narrator is supposed to be biased and also confused. Perhaps I didn't get that part of the story across very well. In a way the reader is not really supposed to like "Joe."

[misserinnicole]

Deleted...just like the part before.

thank you.