I deserve to own your house and family.

[Dave]

 So I was sitting in the student's union today, chewing upon the crummy chicken sandwich I'd bought myself when I suddenly came to one hell of a conclusion- boy do I rule. Think about it. I am the perfect candidate to be the president of everything that you own. I'm guessing you're not convinced, so I present to you six splendid reasons why I should be your ruler;

1.) I'd rename "blackboards" and "chalkboards."

 Everyone knows that calling a blackboard a blackboard is wrong, despite the fact that a blackboard is a board that is black. Yeah yeah, I know its science but since when did scientific fact have regard for skin colour anyway? Shame on you for questioning me; its goddamn wrong and immoral because everyone knows that the word "black" used in conjunction with any other word is a subtle hateful and racist remark towards people of African descent or creed. Wrong I tell you!

 Likewise, same principle with the word "chalkboard." "Chalkboard", is clearly an equally disgusting racist jibe made towards the whitey Chalk Leprachauns of south-east Borneo, and thus it is outrageous and unacceptable. Instead I will rename them "rectal bricks" because it kinda sticks in the head and any reference to any other colour or material would be clearly offensive and racist. Although the Rectum People of East Latvia might think I'm calling them all blackboards and take offense, so I'll have them all murdered instead. Actually maybe not- I don't think its a good idea to have people constantly thinking about blackboards- oops I mean chalkboards... I mean, ehh damn. I guess I really must be a filthy racist :(. Sorry, overly-politically correct society.

2.) I'd create a new multi-national TV Show called "Big Dumbass."

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/president/rant_pres1.jpg

 This policy is perfect for removing all the stupid in the world, yet keeping everyone happy. I'd build a giant Big Dumbass house (the size of Belgium) and put all the stupid people in the world inside it. The stupid people are happy because they're on a shitty television show where they think everyone's watching them lick each other's legs or something dumb like that. Meanwhile, intelligent people are also happy because they can just switch the dumbasses off if they want to ignore them and instead focus on more important things like the development of the human race and invading Mars. Not only that, but when smart people get bored they can just switch on the television again and laugh at the idiots being idiots. I really am goddamn genius.

3.) Puzz 3D models would be utilized to fight poverty.

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/president/rant_pres2.jpg

 Three-dimensional jigzaw puzzles are put to waste every year, being left to rot on someone's mantlepiece after some bored guy with nothing better to do has constructed it. This policy keeps all bored people occupied whilst providing sanctity and a secure home for the homeless and poverty-striken. My new lifesize 3D jigsaws will kick severe ass and will be completely puddleproof. Don't get too many leaves on them though, its not my damn fault the trees like to get nekkid.

4.) Anyone called Gary would be shot on sight.

 The name Gary just bugs me. Killing all Garys is therefore justified.

5.) Anyone who listens to "The X-ecutioners" would be game in a new sport.

 I call the new sport "Chode hunt." Basically, if you see a moron who listens to The X-ecutioners (wow, they left out the 'E.' That is so cool, I can relate to it because I'm part of 'Generation-X;' its so rad and trendy to spell stuff incorrectly on purpose), you set your army of rottweiler dogs on them. The best part of the game is when you smirk with glee as you watch your dogs rip the jackass to pieces with their huge jaws and pointy teeth.

6.) Everyone would be killed, and be replaced with a clone of me.

 I really am a genius. This is the best idea I could come up with. Imagine how honoured you would be if you were culled, and spawned in your place a clone of me? If this happened then everyone would kick ass. How cool would that be? All the other Daves would make me their leader because I'm the original. I'd rename the world Dave. This site would be dead because the world would be perfect and there'd be no nastiness to gain comic inspiration from, but its a small price to pay to ensure the continuation of the human race. Don't you think? I'm so clever I want to shit my pants. Vote me. You wouldn't suck so much if you were me.

 Damn, wish I hadn't shit my pants now. Brb.

[ConnaG]

first lol

[M1K3]

first lol

Are you serious? All of your posts to date are just announcing first or second.

[Rsdx]

Great article Maddox.. err, Dave.

[this-username-sucks]

Great article Maddox.. err, Dave.

i was think "Maddox" all the way through this article

[Mutt_Chick]

-gives you my family, and house.-
There ya are....
T.T
-Tears of gratitude-....
Someone wants them!
-pole dances-
Later...

[Merty]

really a great and funny article!
love this things

[Knight of Cydonia]

Funny article. The big idiot TV is actually a awesome idea.

[Nour]

I am not sure what it would be like having a leader who shits his pants, but what the heck, you got my vote!!

[reigninblood666]

HAIL HITLER! ...I MEAN DAVE! You know I meant to say dave right? I'm not Nazi! DONT JUDGE ME!

...Ok but anyway the idea for "Big Dumbass" was a great one but there is a few problems with the killing of everyone and replacing them with your clones...

Problem 1. If everyone is a clone of you that means there are NO WOMEN! Sausage fests are never fun... unless you're gay and if your gay then I guess you wouldn't mind but STILL! And also if there were no women who would get your beer? Who would do your laundry? NO ONE! (For you over-sensitive people I am joking but some might not know what that is.)

Problem 2. If everyone is you then that means no more awesome music such as Slayer, Metallica...Now that I think about it you can kill them cause they suck now...they used to be awesome..but I digress I guess you get the point. And also no new video games, books, movies, or anything and as you stated no Cyanide & Happiness!

Problem 3. That would mean I would no longer be alive and that would increase the Earth's gravitional pull of the moon and it would kill all man kind as we know it! I am the only thing keeping you all alive! WITHOUT ME YOU ARE NOTHING! lol messing with you guys...OR AM I?

But being serious, other than that I think you would be the perfect ruler. HAIL DAVE!

[EatMyGirlyBoxers]

haha great article!

[ExplosiveDarren]

Dave makes the best articles!
The name Gary just bugs me. Killing all Garys is therefore justified.
Lets Kill Gary!

[Jalais]

Problem 1. If everyone is a clone of you that means there are NO WOMEN! Sausage fests are never fun... unless you're gay and if your gay then I guess you wouldn't mind but STILL! And also if there were no women who would get your beer? Who would do your laundry? NO ONE! (For you over-sensitive people I am joking but some might not know what that is.)

Problem 2. If everyone is you then that means no more awesome music such as Slayer, Metallica...Now that I think about it you can kill them cause they suck now...they used to be awesome..but I digress I guess you get the point. And also no new video games, books, movies, or anything and as you stated no Cyanide & Happiness!

Problem 3. That would mean I would no longer be alive and that would increase the Earth's gravitional pull of the moon and it would kill all man kind as we know it! I am the only thing keeping you all alive! WITHOUT ME YOU ARE NOTHING! lol messing with you guys...OR AM I?


Answer to problem #1

Monkeys. He only said he would kill all HUMANS so he could still mate with female apes . . . and sheep.

Answer to problem #2

Given Dave's current mental state he would become something akin to Caesar and make his slave-clones fight to he death and mate with sheep for amusement.

Answer to problem #3

Dave would order his slave-clones to build a protective wall of sheep and monkeys so the moon would just bounce back into orbit.

Fear my impregnable shield of pure logicness!

"They're breast. I need no justification as to why I drew them on a whale."

[lizdarocker]

lol

[pcfchick]

honestly, i'm a little surprised you didn't include the "whiteboard" in your rant.

i'm pretty much down for Dave the Ruler. Although it would be nice if I could stay alive. We could Mario Party it up. Death would kinda suck.

besides, you'll be sorry you took my family. believe you me.

[SenorLanky]

I'm a Dave too.
I also have a superiority complex you won't believe...
I've already renamed volleyball and called it Daveball.
But your comic was a bit twisted, I like ctrl-alt-del as well as Cyanide & Happiness.
Oh well. I'll rule over you one day. Or at least be mildly rich and famous, which'll do.

[dos-anjos]

i TOTALY agree
id vote

kill me now and make me a dave

[crane]

Honestly I didn't find that very funny. All it brought to mind was a less eloquent and more arrogant (if that's even possible) version of Maddox. And if you don't know who that is, then shame on you.

[Iamyourboo2]

My name is Gary. It's not an overwhelming common name so you should be good in life. Call me G-fizz if it's a big problem.

[MrDoctor]

You should write more articles like this in your spare time. They are pretty good and hilarious.

[Sonia]

I actually wish i owned a 3D Puzzle set, it's like the next gen puzzle and it's blowing my jigsaw puzzle loving mind.

[PerfectRandomness]

I was fine with it until rule 6.

 

6.) Everyone would be killed, and be replaced with a clone of me.

 I really am a genius. This is the best idea I could come up with. Imagine how honoured you would be if you were culled, and spawned in your place a clone of me? If this happened then everyone would kick ass. How cool would that be? All the other Daves would make me their leader because I'm the original.

Actually all other Daves would think they are the best like you did and there would be a huge war. Apocalypse!!!

[Juan_Beta]

I sold my house on Ebay and I rent my family from time to time...

[thatgirl]

no!!! youre the big dumbass!!! i should rule the world! world domination! wahahahahahhahahahahahahahahaha

[Jackyhk]

Actually, I wouldn't like idea 6, unless of course: we are all interested in some gay orgy. =/

[Iceshade]

This is Spameworthy... but article worthy?

[Quadros]

You're right Iceshade, it's a good job you were here to tell Dave where to put his musings on his site. I'll go ahead and move it now while simultaneously promoting you to sergeant in the Little Bitch Police Department.

[Iceshade]

You're right Iceshade, it's a good job you were here to tell Dave where to put his musings on his site. I'll go ahead and move it now while simultaneously promoting you to sergeant in the Little Bitch Police Department.

What's that Quadros? I can't hear you all the way down there below 5 feet.

USER WAS PUT IN TIMEOUT FOR THIS POST. (http://forums.explosm.net/eventlog.php)
Reason: Pointless shitflinging in article comments

[tisMAtt]

As long as i get to play Chode hunt i'd vote

Acctuly i would vote for anybody who had that idea.

[lolguy]

What's that Quadros? I can't hear you all the way down there below 5 feet.
Save yourself the energy. Don't argue with Quadros, You won't win.

[DubiousCow]

I'll go ahead and move it now while simultaneously promoting you to sergeant in the Little Bitch Police Department.

Wouldn't little bitches be security guards instead of a full-fledged police service?

[Quadros]

What's that Quadros? I can't hear you all the way down there below 5 feet.

I don't think I'm ever going to be bothered by the fact that I'm short because it just makes my dick look even bigger in proportion. Enjoy being tall, sad and lonely. See this is why no-one gives a shit about your opinion. Because you're a crap person.

USER WAS PUT IN TIMEOUT FOR THIS POST. (http://forums.explosm.net/eventlog.php)
Reason: Holy shit shut up.

[SourChicken]

Aww, that could've been a good argument!

[Iceshade]

I shouldn't even have responded the first time, that was immature of me. I did like the article to be honest, I thought it was funny.

[Rob]

Aww, that could've been a good argument!

Doubtful.

[Mr Anorexia]

Doubtful.
:clap:

[miknairb]

Technically, if he had sex with his clones, it would be masturbation, not sex. First post ever by the way...

[stocksting]

 So I was sitting in the student's union today, chewing upon the crummy chicken sandwich I'd bought myself when I suddenly came to one hell of a conclusion- boy do I rule. Think about it. I am the perfect candidate to be the president of everything that you own. I'm guessing you're not convinced, so I present to you six splendid reasons why I should be your ruler;

1.) I'd rename "blackboards" and "chalkboards."

 Everyone knows that calling a blackboard a blackboard is wrong, despite the fact that a blackboard is a board that is black. Yeah yeah, I know its science but since when did scientific fact have regard for skin colour anyway? Shame on you for questioning me; its goddamn wrong and immoral because everyone knows that the word "black" used in conjunction with any other word is a subtle hateful and racist remark towards people of African descent or creed. Wrong I tell you!

 Likewise, same principle with the word "chalkboard." "Chalkboard", is clearly an equally disgusting racist jibe made towards the whitey Chalk Leprachauns of south-east Borneo, and thus it is outrageous and unacceptable. Instead I will rename them "rectal bricks" because it kinda sticks in the head and any reference to any other colour or material would be clearly offensive and racist. Although the Rectum People of East Latvia might think I'm calling them all blackboards and take offense, so I'll have them all murdered instead. Actually maybe not- I don't think its a good idea to have people constantly thinking about blackboards- oops I mean chalkboards... I mean, ehh damn. I guess I really must be a filthy racist :(. Sorry, overly-politically correct society.

2.) I'd create a new multi-national TV Show called "Big Dumbass."

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/president/rant_pres1.jpg

 This policy is perfect for removing all the stupid in the world, yet keeping everyone happy. I'd build a giant Big Dumbass house (the size of Belgium) and put all the stupid people in the world inside it. The stupid people are happy because they're on a shitty television show where they think everyone's watching them lick each other's legs or something dumb like that. Meanwhile, intelligent people are also happy because they can just switch the dumbasses off if they want to ignore them and instead focus on more important things like the development of the human race and invading Mars. Not only that, but when smart people get bored they can just switch on the television again and laugh at the idiots being idiots. I really am goddamn genius.

3.) Puzz 3D models would be utilized to fight poverty.

http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/president/rant_pres2.jpg

 Three-dimensional jigzaw puzzles are put to waste every year, being left to rot on someone's mantlepiece after some bored guy with nothing better to do has constructed it. This policy keeps all bored people occupied whilst providing sanctity and a secure home for the homeless and poverty-striken. My new lifesize 3D jigsaws will kick severe ass and will be completely puddleproof. Don't get too many leaves on them though, its not my damn fault the trees like to get nekkid.

4.) Anyone called Gary would be shot on sight.

 The name Gary just bugs me. Killing all Garys is therefore justified.

5.) Anyone who listens to "The X-ecutioners" would be game in a new sport.

 I call the new sport "Chode hunt." Basically, if you see a moron who listens to The X-ecutioners (wow, they left out the 'E.' That is so cool, I can relate to it because I'm part of 'Generation-X;' its so rad and trendy to spell stuff incorrectly on purpose), you set your army of rottweiler dogs on them. The best part of the game is when you smirk with glee as you watch your dogs rip the jackass to pieces with their huge jaws and pointy teeth.

6.) Everyone would be killed, and be replaced with a clone of me.

 I really am a genius. This is the best idea I could come up with. Imagine how honoured you would be if you were culled, and spawned in your place a clone of me? If this happened then everyone would kick ass. How cool would that be? All the other Daves would make me their leader because I'm the original. I'd rename the world Dave. This site would be dead because the world would be perfect and there'd be no nastiness to gain comic inspiration from, but its a small price to pay to ensure the continuation of the human race. Don't you think? I'm so clever I want to shit my pants. Vote me. You wouldn't suck so much if you were me.

 Damn, wish I hadn't shit my pants now. Brb.

that would be a great phail

[Direct_Assault]

This, in it's entirety, sounds very delicious

Though I'm not u for the whole...sausage fest idea like people said. And for the people saying it would be like masturbating....c'mon you can only do it so much

[Mikki-Kay]

I vote Dave. As long as I can be your mistress. Then being the only women in your world of perfectness and blackboardlessness, I could keep populating the world with more mini Dave's. Thus, I will keep your world thriving...

[chibot2000]

I would happily die for Dave :D
Can we all chip in for the Dave Charity for him to buy an island or something to try ruling over it, and pay for some clones etc to start off his dictatorship?

[teamcayne]

I mostly agree about killing all of the Garys.

I say "mostly," 'cause I have an uncle named Gary that I hate.

But, then, there are always gonna be at least a few cool Garys out there -- Garys that are worth sparing.

Like Gary Larson.

'Nuff said.

http://limbocomics.squarespace.com/comics/2009/11/4/fat-guy-speedo-kanye.html

[Raxo]

What does the crappy site you're linking to have to do with Dave's article?

[LandMarkMoon]

He doesn't understand how signatures work so he does that? I 'unno.