Dave
08-30-2007, 5:44 PM
A friend of mine and I are currently going through a rather strange phase in our lives. No, not the late outpouring of hair from our naughty bits or dysfunctional relationships with our parents but something really quite different. It all started the day my dad arrived home with the Hollywood DVD collection.
"Four movies on one DVD!!" the cover boasted. Holy shit, if they have the technology to fit four movies onto a disc then the movies themselves must be awesome! My DVD player got a dusting down, and thus grew an insatiable appetite for retarded b-movies. Fast forward to one stormy night last January, when we stumbled upon this movie. If the other movies we watched were starters, this movie alone was the main course;
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie1.jpg
WOWWWW!!
Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Dave, is this another shitty thriller?" Why are you even bothering to write about it?" Simply put, this movie had me and my friend in tears laughing when we first watched it, and I'm surprised that the disc hasn't been ground into a fine powder considering the amount of playtime its had. To give you a small glimpse into the idiocy I have had the pleasure of watching, I now present to you the first in a multiple-part article detailing the film. Seriously, trust me on this one dear friends, and follow me for an introduction into the world of sleaze and debauchery that is A Time To Die.
[MORE]
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie2.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie3.jpg
"AHE Ha ha ha ha ha!!"
The movie first introduces us to a couple of guys standing on the top of some building drinking. I'm guessing they're bad guys because we all know that only total cool bad-asses like to drink alcohol in a public place. I don't think we ever find out their names sadly, but despite my suspicions that they're villains they sure seem like friendly guys because they keep laughing for no reason. Heck- maybe its some guy's birthday surprise and this is just the beginning of the party, cause it sounds like they're waiting for someone to turn up. Hey its all I can think of right now, shut the hell up.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie4.jpg
Sadly the celebrations are soon brought to an end by the wails of a car siren and the two guys take a quick look over the side. Maybe its the birthday boy himself pulling a double-prank on them? What do you see guys?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie5.jpg
WTF?!
Dammit! its a filthy, stinking kid! Same old story- it all starts by bunking off school then before you know it you're kicking cars that belong to seedy men who drink on top of tall buildings. Don't do this at home kids. The kid is told to get away from the car and he follows orders by getting lost. Thats it big guy, show that twerp who's boss! Now back to the celebrations. But who's this?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie6.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif1.gif
"'Sup bro."
ITS MR MOTIVATOR!!
Damn, I guess years of promoting good health in 80s TV shows got to him cause he's let himself go. I'm guessing its not his birthday either since its not cake he's after. Instead, he wants a gun. Hey thats handy, cause these friendly guys just happen to have a few in a briefcase that they magically pulled out of their ass! This serene scene is ruined once again when the car alarm is heard once more. Wtf?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie7.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie8.jpg
>=((!!!!!
Its that goddamned kid again, and this time he's lying on the car! That smarmy little shit. And thats not all; what does he do when he's told to get away this time? He keys the car! Son of a bitch! Whats the best way to deal with a shithead kid keying your car?
[PAGE]
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif2.gif
KABLOIEEE!!!!!
Thats right, the solution to kids keying your car is to cap their sorry ass with a magnum! Why didn't I think of that one before? I guess these guys aren't as friendly as I first thought. Anyway, they then haul their asses outta the area since they figure that shooting kids that key your car is a little extreme, and doesn't sit well in a court.
I should also mention that as they're running, this kid makes the longest scream I've ever heard in a movie. I'm not fucking kidding, its a good 20 seconds long at least. It starts with a simple "aaaaaaHHHHH!!!!" then progresses into some sort of satanic roar in the middle. Way to mess with the kid of the devil himself assholes. This guy deserves an oscar for that scream alone, not to mention his facial expression during it. He looks like someone has rammed the eiffel tower up his penis. I've rewound this part a good 20 times just to laugh at it again.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie9.jpg
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Thankfully, the ambulance guys have now arrived to tend to the kid and the cops have arrived to catch the guys that did it. But who's this hiding in the shadows and taking photographs of this horrible scene like some sick psycho?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie10.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie11.jpg
Why its Traci Lords! Yes thats right kids, everyone's favourite 80s hardcore porno queen is starring in this movie as a photographer. I guess the well ran dry, and thats why shes decided to take a role in this movie. And I mean the well of MONEY you filthy fucks, not that.
Anyway, whilst she's busy taking more pictures the cops corner the bad guys onto the top of another building. They're not planning on going down easy though, and take out a cop even though their car was nowhere within keying distance! These guys really are assholes :(.
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http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie12.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie13.jpg
BOOM!! CH-CHING!! CLICK-CHING!!
Thats it Traci, get a picture of that! Perfect, you sick bitch. What are you planning to do with those once you get home? I can't imagine for the life of me but hey, who's this particular cop thats just made his way onto the scene?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie14.jpg
Its Jeff Conaway, aka Kenickie from Grease! The one that noone really cared about! And what the hell is going on with his hair? Conaway in this movie has possibly the most ridiculous head I've ever seen in film. He's also one of the main reasons I've watched this movie so much, and you'll find out why later and in future instalments. Anyway, Conaway then makes his way into the building and Traci sneakily follows, only to get her ass told to stay out. This is a man's job bitch, and they don't come more manly than the guy that played Kenickie in Grease. So get back down the stairs.
Conaway then makes his way to the roof of the building only to be shot at by the bad guys. Naturally he's pretty pissed about this and fires back. By the way, nice place to fire from boys. You'll get a lot of cover behind that tiny little skylight.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie15.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie16.jpg
"Wid dis old skylight in front of us we be invincible!"
Conaway then shouts a couple of things to them in Spanish and they decide to run away. I guess you can chalk xenophobia on their list of evil qualities as well. What also puzzles me is that they have the balls to kill a cop in front of the rest of the force, yet are scared shitless by Spanish-speaking Jeff Conaway with a retarded haircut. Maybe they have bad memories from watching Babylon 5 or something. Anyway, soon enough Conaway catches up with them and holds them at gunpoint, where we get the first proper glimpse at their ridiculous suits.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie17.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie18.jpg
I mean c'mon, the guy on the left looks like he's wearing a cow. Anyway, the bad guys try and pull a fast one by slipping guns out of their shirts, but Conaway pulls a faster one by shooting one of their asses dead. Simultaneously, the other one tries to run away and is abruptly stopped in his tracks by a knee to the nuts! Who does this saviour of all knees belong to??
[PAGE]
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie19.jpg
Why its Traci! But I thought you were told to stay at the bottom of the building!? "Just doing my job, Detective." This girl's got righteousness pouring out of her ears, even if she is a porno queen who just kneed a guy in the nuts for shooting some kid that keyed his car. Anyway, what better thing for a goofy-headed cop and a photogenic porno queen to do after a high-adrenaline shootout than go for a nice cup of tea?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie22.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie21.jpg
Conaway is truly slick. He looks like a badass even when he's sipping tea like a true Brit. I didn't even know tea was a big thing in America, but hey. Anyway, conversation gets personal as we find out that Conaway's character's name is Frank and Traci Lord's character's name is Jackie. Turns out they're both divorced. See where this is going? I hope you've been keeping up, cause it gets EVEN MORE CRAZY AND UNPREDICTABLE. Jackie explains to Frank that she has a son called Kevin who lives with his father, and then Frank becomes really goddamn bitter as Jackie asks him about his marriage. Talk about double standards, jackass. "You sure asks a lot of questions for someone who's just bought a cup of tea." Whoa whoa- wait, what? Last time I checked the purchase of tea had no relation to how many questions you ask to someone. Shut the hell up Frank, before you make yourself look stupid. Whoops, too late. He makes a really crap pass at her and she walks out. Better luck next time Frankie boy. And cut your hair.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie23.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif3.gif
"MMmmmmmooohh..."
Jackie then goes back to her apartment, where she decides to conduct possibly the most sexual photo-development session I've ever seen. Wandering into a red room in some skimpy shorts as some bass-heavy music kicks in, watch as she slowly caresses a piece of photo paper with more lusty glee than Paris Hilton riding the boner express. That piece of paper has seen more action in ten seconds than I have all year :(. But wait, who's that in the picture?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie24.jpg
Eeyy! Its Frank! Aww :). Guess its hard to resist an asteroid-headed ex-Babylon 5 star after all huh? Next thing we know Jackie's fallen asleep and its morning time. Damn, you think you've only spent 5 minutes caressing photo paper with little rubbery phalluses when bam! Morning has already creeped up on you. As Jackie's alarm goes off we are treated to some sleepy 80s music, and frankly this whole scene .........you know.........is so nice..........and serene........... and quiet... and....
zzzz....zzz.....
.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........
.................
......
[PAGE]
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif4.gif
AAAGHH!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!?
Fuck my eyes. No sooner am I getting used to a little peace and quiet in this movie when I get subjected to some couple’s mid-morning underpants-charleston. Who are these guys anyway? Why its none other than Jackie’s ex-husband Sam and his new-found bitch! Whilst all this action is going on, Kevin (Jackie’s kid, remember?) is making a damn milkshake by himself downstairs. What a crock, this kid is 5 years old. With parents like these no wonder hes had to mature early and become what appears to be some sort of PR manager for a wealthy corporation;
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie27.jpg
I can maybe understand the side parting, but the braces, shirt, cuffs and snazzy tie? No doubt he’s thinking of new ways to market the PS3 in light of Nintendo’s recent wave of Wii publicity. Why is this even a focus in the movie anyway? My theory is that his actions are some sort of dirty metaphor for the spunkfest that’s going on upstairs. Heh heh. Milk into glass. Geddit? See it now?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie29.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie30.jpg
Ugh, actually I hope to hell not. Lets move on quick.
Anyway, after the sunny suburban rumpy-pumpy is done and dusted Sam’s girl decides to try and phone Jackie. No idea why, maybe she needs some pointers when it comes to putting out for Sam. Jackie picks up the phone at the other end but its not Sam’s bitch after all. “Who is this?” Jackie stammers;
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“I’ll give you three guesses- Frank, Frank or Frank?”
This guy is smooth. I’m surprised she didn’t try and dive into her phone in an attempt to get into his arms. Guess the charm didn’t work though, as she quickly hangs up and leaves him high and dry. He's not a man to be put down easily though- “She likes me. She doesn’t know it yet but she likes me.” Sure she does Frank. Keep chasing that rainbow. Or just go home and masturbate, you’ll be saving a lot of wasted effort.
[PAGE]
Anyway, today’s the day Jackie has to go visit little Kev before Sam hauls his ass off to Chicago. Sam’s a bit of an asshole like that it would seem. I don’t know why he doesn’t really want Jackie to see her son, but I’m sure there’s some bitter, twisted, sick reason behind it. Actually I hate Sam, if only because his acting really stinks. Anyway she takes the trip and meets them outside Sam’s house, where she produces a bag of nuts for her son. “Look daddy, mommy brought me a pack of peanuts!” Kevin exclaims with glee. At least that’s what I assume he was meant to say, because instead the poor little critter somehow manages to babble “Look daddy! Mommy bought me a dragon penis!”
Let that sink in.
I’m serious. That sounds EXACTLY like what he says. I swear. Either I'm insane or thats what this kid inexplicably mumbles. Now I know the kid's age is pretty low but jeez, thats a pretty tall order for a child's plaything. I’m not big on knowledge of American malls or high-street stores but I’m pretty sure that they don’t market the severed members of mythical beasts as kid’s toys. One-nil to Jackie again I’m afraid Sam, you jackass. All those shitty toys that Kev didn’t want and all you had to do for some affection was to buy him a dragon penis. What the hell were you thinking?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie34.jpg
This kid is going to be scarred for life.
I’m pretty sure Kevin’s going to end up in some sort of institution when he gets older, ‘cause mistaking nuts for dragon phalluses is probably the most surreal case of delusion I’ve ever come across. I can just imagine all the other kids in school taunting him with bags of peanuts, saying “want some dragon penises Kevin?! WANT SOME DRAGON PENISES AHAHAHAHAH YOU WORTHLESS, MORONIC SACK OF SHIT!?!! AHAHAHA!!!” Poor kid :(.
[PAGE]
Ahem, yeah, I got a bit carried away there. Anyway moving swiftly on, the next port of call for Jackie once she’s seen her son is to go see the chief superintendent of the local cop station. Shes been busted for something but we don’t know what yet. Not much happens in this scene worth of note, apart from the superintendent’s pissy frame of mind. I love the poster that you can just about see as Jackie’s leaving the office though.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie35.jpg
Take the easy way out of confrontation by sending your folks a letter.
Its also worth noting at this point that the superintendent appears to have a shitty catchphrase that he repeats later in the movie as well. “You know the questions, all I want are the answers!” Why Richard Roundtree happily agreed to spew this idiocy on film is beyond me. Ah well, at least he went on to gain a reputation for quality acting in later years with movies such as um… George Of The Jungle.
And just when Jackie thinks her day can’t get any worse;
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif5.gif
Dammit Frank, give up the chase!! You’re never going to get it! Look in her eyes! She hates you! Just get over it!
Aaaand thats the end of part 1! Now that I've introduced you to the characters, hopefully your balls (or genital matter of equal value) will be bursting at the prospect of seeing what madness these idiots get up to. And there's plenty of it. Look out for the second installment of my A Time To Die walkthrough pretty soon!! HABLEEE!
"Four movies on one DVD!!" the cover boasted. Holy shit, if they have the technology to fit four movies onto a disc then the movies themselves must be awesome! My DVD player got a dusting down, and thus grew an insatiable appetite for retarded b-movies. Fast forward to one stormy night last January, when we stumbled upon this movie. If the other movies we watched were starters, this movie alone was the main course;
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie1.jpg
WOWWWW!!
Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking. "Dave, is this another shitty thriller?" Why are you even bothering to write about it?" Simply put, this movie had me and my friend in tears laughing when we first watched it, and I'm surprised that the disc hasn't been ground into a fine powder considering the amount of playtime its had. To give you a small glimpse into the idiocy I have had the pleasure of watching, I now present to you the first in a multiple-part article detailing the film. Seriously, trust me on this one dear friends, and follow me for an introduction into the world of sleaze and debauchery that is A Time To Die.
[MORE]
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie2.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie3.jpg
"AHE Ha ha ha ha ha!!"
The movie first introduces us to a couple of guys standing on the top of some building drinking. I'm guessing they're bad guys because we all know that only total cool bad-asses like to drink alcohol in a public place. I don't think we ever find out their names sadly, but despite my suspicions that they're villains they sure seem like friendly guys because they keep laughing for no reason. Heck- maybe its some guy's birthday surprise and this is just the beginning of the party, cause it sounds like they're waiting for someone to turn up. Hey its all I can think of right now, shut the hell up.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie4.jpg
Sadly the celebrations are soon brought to an end by the wails of a car siren and the two guys take a quick look over the side. Maybe its the birthday boy himself pulling a double-prank on them? What do you see guys?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie5.jpg
WTF?!
Dammit! its a filthy, stinking kid! Same old story- it all starts by bunking off school then before you know it you're kicking cars that belong to seedy men who drink on top of tall buildings. Don't do this at home kids. The kid is told to get away from the car and he follows orders by getting lost. Thats it big guy, show that twerp who's boss! Now back to the celebrations. But who's this?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie6.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif1.gif
"'Sup bro."
ITS MR MOTIVATOR!!
Damn, I guess years of promoting good health in 80s TV shows got to him cause he's let himself go. I'm guessing its not his birthday either since its not cake he's after. Instead, he wants a gun. Hey thats handy, cause these friendly guys just happen to have a few in a briefcase that they magically pulled out of their ass! This serene scene is ruined once again when the car alarm is heard once more. Wtf?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie7.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie8.jpg
>=((!!!!!
Its that goddamned kid again, and this time he's lying on the car! That smarmy little shit. And thats not all; what does he do when he's told to get away this time? He keys the car! Son of a bitch! Whats the best way to deal with a shithead kid keying your car?
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http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif2.gif
KABLOIEEE!!!!!
Thats right, the solution to kids keying your car is to cap their sorry ass with a magnum! Why didn't I think of that one before? I guess these guys aren't as friendly as I first thought. Anyway, they then haul their asses outta the area since they figure that shooting kids that key your car is a little extreme, and doesn't sit well in a court.
I should also mention that as they're running, this kid makes the longest scream I've ever heard in a movie. I'm not fucking kidding, its a good 20 seconds long at least. It starts with a simple "aaaaaaHHHHH!!!!" then progresses into some sort of satanic roar in the middle. Way to mess with the kid of the devil himself assholes. This guy deserves an oscar for that scream alone, not to mention his facial expression during it. He looks like someone has rammed the eiffel tower up his penis. I've rewound this part a good 20 times just to laugh at it again.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie9.jpg
"AAAAAAAAAAAAGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!"
Thankfully, the ambulance guys have now arrived to tend to the kid and the cops have arrived to catch the guys that did it. But who's this hiding in the shadows and taking photographs of this horrible scene like some sick psycho?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie10.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie11.jpg
Why its Traci Lords! Yes thats right kids, everyone's favourite 80s hardcore porno queen is starring in this movie as a photographer. I guess the well ran dry, and thats why shes decided to take a role in this movie. And I mean the well of MONEY you filthy fucks, not that.
Anyway, whilst she's busy taking more pictures the cops corner the bad guys onto the top of another building. They're not planning on going down easy though, and take out a cop even though their car was nowhere within keying distance! These guys really are assholes :(.
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http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie12.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie13.jpg
BOOM!! CH-CHING!! CLICK-CHING!!
Thats it Traci, get a picture of that! Perfect, you sick bitch. What are you planning to do with those once you get home? I can't imagine for the life of me but hey, who's this particular cop thats just made his way onto the scene?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie14.jpg
Its Jeff Conaway, aka Kenickie from Grease! The one that noone really cared about! And what the hell is going on with his hair? Conaway in this movie has possibly the most ridiculous head I've ever seen in film. He's also one of the main reasons I've watched this movie so much, and you'll find out why later and in future instalments. Anyway, Conaway then makes his way into the building and Traci sneakily follows, only to get her ass told to stay out. This is a man's job bitch, and they don't come more manly than the guy that played Kenickie in Grease. So get back down the stairs.
Conaway then makes his way to the roof of the building only to be shot at by the bad guys. Naturally he's pretty pissed about this and fires back. By the way, nice place to fire from boys. You'll get a lot of cover behind that tiny little skylight.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie15.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie16.jpg
"Wid dis old skylight in front of us we be invincible!"
Conaway then shouts a couple of things to them in Spanish and they decide to run away. I guess you can chalk xenophobia on their list of evil qualities as well. What also puzzles me is that they have the balls to kill a cop in front of the rest of the force, yet are scared shitless by Spanish-speaking Jeff Conaway with a retarded haircut. Maybe they have bad memories from watching Babylon 5 or something. Anyway, soon enough Conaway catches up with them and holds them at gunpoint, where we get the first proper glimpse at their ridiculous suits.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie17.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie18.jpg
I mean c'mon, the guy on the left looks like he's wearing a cow. Anyway, the bad guys try and pull a fast one by slipping guns out of their shirts, but Conaway pulls a faster one by shooting one of their asses dead. Simultaneously, the other one tries to run away and is abruptly stopped in his tracks by a knee to the nuts! Who does this saviour of all knees belong to??
[PAGE]
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie19.jpg
Why its Traci! But I thought you were told to stay at the bottom of the building!? "Just doing my job, Detective." This girl's got righteousness pouring out of her ears, even if she is a porno queen who just kneed a guy in the nuts for shooting some kid that keyed his car. Anyway, what better thing for a goofy-headed cop and a photogenic porno queen to do after a high-adrenaline shootout than go for a nice cup of tea?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie22.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie21.jpg
Conaway is truly slick. He looks like a badass even when he's sipping tea like a true Brit. I didn't even know tea was a big thing in America, but hey. Anyway, conversation gets personal as we find out that Conaway's character's name is Frank and Traci Lord's character's name is Jackie. Turns out they're both divorced. See where this is going? I hope you've been keeping up, cause it gets EVEN MORE CRAZY AND UNPREDICTABLE. Jackie explains to Frank that she has a son called Kevin who lives with his father, and then Frank becomes really goddamn bitter as Jackie asks him about his marriage. Talk about double standards, jackass. "You sure asks a lot of questions for someone who's just bought a cup of tea." Whoa whoa- wait, what? Last time I checked the purchase of tea had no relation to how many questions you ask to someone. Shut the hell up Frank, before you make yourself look stupid. Whoops, too late. He makes a really crap pass at her and she walks out. Better luck next time Frankie boy. And cut your hair.
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie23.jpg http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodiegif3.gif
"MMmmmmmooohh..."
Jackie then goes back to her apartment, where she decides to conduct possibly the most sexual photo-development session I've ever seen. Wandering into a red room in some skimpy shorts as some bass-heavy music kicks in, watch as she slowly caresses a piece of photo paper with more lusty glee than Paris Hilton riding the boner express. That piece of paper has seen more action in ten seconds than I have all year :(. But wait, who's that in the picture?
http://www.flashasylum.com/db/files/Writing/justdave/atimetodie/atimetodie24.jpg
Eeyy! Its Frank! Aww :). Guess its hard to resist an asteroid-headed ex-Babylon 5 star after all huh? Next thing we know Jackie's fallen asleep and its morning time. Damn, you think you've only spent 5 minutes caressing photo paper with little rubbery phalluses when bam! Morning has already creeped up on you. As Jackie's alarm goes off we are treated to some sleepy 80s music, and frankly this whole scene .........you know.........is so nice..........and serene........... and quiet... and....
zzzz....zzz.....
.........zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........
.................
......
[PAGE]
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AAAGHH!! WHAT THE HELL IS THIS!?!?
Fuck my eyes. No sooner am I getting used to a little peace and quiet in this movie when I get subjected to some couple’s mid-morning underpants-charleston. Who are these guys anyway? Why its none other than Jackie’s ex-husband Sam and his new-found bitch! Whilst all this action is going on, Kevin (Jackie’s kid, remember?) is making a damn milkshake by himself downstairs. What a crock, this kid is 5 years old. With parents like these no wonder hes had to mature early and become what appears to be some sort of PR manager for a wealthy corporation;
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I can maybe understand the side parting, but the braces, shirt, cuffs and snazzy tie? No doubt he’s thinking of new ways to market the PS3 in light of Nintendo’s recent wave of Wii publicity. Why is this even a focus in the movie anyway? My theory is that his actions are some sort of dirty metaphor for the spunkfest that’s going on upstairs. Heh heh. Milk into glass. Geddit? See it now?
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Ugh, actually I hope to hell not. Lets move on quick.
Anyway, after the sunny suburban rumpy-pumpy is done and dusted Sam’s girl decides to try and phone Jackie. No idea why, maybe she needs some pointers when it comes to putting out for Sam. Jackie picks up the phone at the other end but its not Sam’s bitch after all. “Who is this?” Jackie stammers;
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“I’ll give you three guesses- Frank, Frank or Frank?”
This guy is smooth. I’m surprised she didn’t try and dive into her phone in an attempt to get into his arms. Guess the charm didn’t work though, as she quickly hangs up and leaves him high and dry. He's not a man to be put down easily though- “She likes me. She doesn’t know it yet but she likes me.” Sure she does Frank. Keep chasing that rainbow. Or just go home and masturbate, you’ll be saving a lot of wasted effort.
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Anyway, today’s the day Jackie has to go visit little Kev before Sam hauls his ass off to Chicago. Sam’s a bit of an asshole like that it would seem. I don’t know why he doesn’t really want Jackie to see her son, but I’m sure there’s some bitter, twisted, sick reason behind it. Actually I hate Sam, if only because his acting really stinks. Anyway she takes the trip and meets them outside Sam’s house, where she produces a bag of nuts for her son. “Look daddy, mommy brought me a pack of peanuts!” Kevin exclaims with glee. At least that’s what I assume he was meant to say, because instead the poor little critter somehow manages to babble “Look daddy! Mommy bought me a dragon penis!”
Let that sink in.
I’m serious. That sounds EXACTLY like what he says. I swear. Either I'm insane or thats what this kid inexplicably mumbles. Now I know the kid's age is pretty low but jeez, thats a pretty tall order for a child's plaything. I’m not big on knowledge of American malls or high-street stores but I’m pretty sure that they don’t market the severed members of mythical beasts as kid’s toys. One-nil to Jackie again I’m afraid Sam, you jackass. All those shitty toys that Kev didn’t want and all you had to do for some affection was to buy him a dragon penis. What the hell were you thinking?
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This kid is going to be scarred for life.
I’m pretty sure Kevin’s going to end up in some sort of institution when he gets older, ‘cause mistaking nuts for dragon phalluses is probably the most surreal case of delusion I’ve ever come across. I can just imagine all the other kids in school taunting him with bags of peanuts, saying “want some dragon penises Kevin?! WANT SOME DRAGON PENISES AHAHAHAHAH YOU WORTHLESS, MORONIC SACK OF SHIT!?!! AHAHAHA!!!” Poor kid :(.
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Ahem, yeah, I got a bit carried away there. Anyway moving swiftly on, the next port of call for Jackie once she’s seen her son is to go see the chief superintendent of the local cop station. Shes been busted for something but we don’t know what yet. Not much happens in this scene worth of note, apart from the superintendent’s pissy frame of mind. I love the poster that you can just about see as Jackie’s leaving the office though.
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Take the easy way out of confrontation by sending your folks a letter.
Its also worth noting at this point that the superintendent appears to have a shitty catchphrase that he repeats later in the movie as well. “You know the questions, all I want are the answers!” Why Richard Roundtree happily agreed to spew this idiocy on film is beyond me. Ah well, at least he went on to gain a reputation for quality acting in later years with movies such as um… George Of The Jungle.
And just when Jackie thinks her day can’t get any worse;
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Dammit Frank, give up the chase!! You’re never going to get it! Look in her eyes! She hates you! Just get over it!
Aaaand thats the end of part 1! Now that I've introduced you to the characters, hopefully your balls (or genital matter of equal value) will be bursting at the prospect of seeing what madness these idiots get up to. And there's plenty of it. Look out for the second installment of my A Time To Die walkthrough pretty soon!! HABLEEE!