MY first attempt at writing some lyrics.

[eyehatepeople]

These are my own lyrics that I wrote during classes because I was bored out of my mind. Anyway give me some feedback and they aren't finished I just want to know whether it is worth continuing.

I'd give it all for
You to look my way

I'd give the world for
You to say those 3 words

Angelic Features
They torment me

As I stand here I feel
The razors tear at my throat.


Yeah they arent amazing and I'm pretty sure they might sound a bit like a mixture of Parkway Drive lyrics and I Killed The Prom Queen lyrics.

[Greger]

That is some pretty bad lyrics mate :/
I dont think it's worth to continue on it.

[Ercoledi]

I don't know your young people music, but aren't lyrics supposed to have some sort of rhyme and meter?

Until it comes with music, it's a poem. And it isn't a great poem, sorry.

[AeroRocker]

Yeah it has no rhythm or meter at all...
If you can get a guitar in the background or something, do that, and sing the lyrics out loud. It won't sound good.

[tunacake]

I don't know what you were expecting, but that was not good. Not even a little bit.

[Idioteque]

Hate to repeat whats been said, but they sound like super generic emo whingy lyrics.

Maybe wait till you are out of high-school so you can write so more sophisticated stuff?

[MUELONIL]

i threw up a little in my mouth. i wish peaple would stop refering to razor blades in every song. sorry man

Yeah they arent amazing and I'm pretty sure they might sound a bit like a mixture of Parkway Drive lyrics and I Killed The Prom Queen lyrics.[/QUOTE]

USER WAS PUT IN TIMEOUT FOR THIS POST. (http://forums.explosm.net/eventlog.php)
Reason: Learn to post.

[exetra]

:indiff:

If you do feel the need to continue remove the last couplet. It's so cliche and above all else its written horribly.

Just now I figured a way to phrase it so it sounds like lyrics, though it's quite syncopated and emo sounding (even the phrasing :S). The last part is just dumb though, think of something more meaningful and less pseudo-edgy-hXc-turd.

EDIT:
I also laughed when I saw this:
i wish peaple...

[Ziggy St. Valentine]

Grow up then try again. Because they sound like the same old stuff every 14 year old teenager writes to be 'cool' and it's really not original at all.

[MUELONIL]

haha yeah i dont know how i did that typo... "a" and "o" are on the opposite side of the keyboard... oops

[JohnDoe]

Yeah, like you said yourself, those lyrics aren't amazing. I'd suggest trying to develop your own style instead of the lovesick/emo thing your going for. It's been done, go for something new and different. On the other hand, if writting emo lyrics are your style just go ahead and work on that. Don't take anyones opinion on a webcomic forum to seriously. Just try to give it your own twist and work at it. These sort of things take time.

[mohaas05]

No rhyme, no meter, too emo.

Work on it.

Plus it doesn't really make sense.

[Ikin]

Aiden could write better lyrics.

[eyehatepeople]

Ok, justification time, they are actually metalcore lyrics, and if you knew what I was talking about, they would make sense, the razor blades refer to losing your tongue when you talk to someone, and I havn't gotten around to writing music to it, just coming up with some riffs at the moment. Also, only one of you have given constructive criticism, and I thank that one person. All the rest of you can kiss my ass.

It does make sense when you put it together, it also has meaning when you put it together, and if I could be bothered, I would explain the rhythm behind it. I have actually got a guitar and sung it, it does sound good.

Close this post if you must. I don't really care about it anymore.

[Greger]

Well we dont know what you are talking about, that's why you need to make it accesable to others than yourself and/or your closest friends.

Why dont you put it together then? Why dont you explain the rhythm?
Oh and why havent you recorded it then and give it to us, stop being such a little whining bitch and realize it isnt good.

[Ox]

Generic emo-nonsense. Complete drivel with no substance or style whatsoever. A really poor attempt.

Stop trying to sound deep and dark and actually write something in your own style, or at least a little different to every angsty emo kid's attempt at lyrics from livejournal.

Not enough for a song, perhaps try writing it in the style of a song, y'know, with choruses and verses.

[eyehatepeople]

Not enough for a song, perhaps try writing it in the style of a song, y'know, with choruses and verses.

Read the topic before you post. I said it was unfinished.

And as for emo nonsense, some of this actually means something to me.

Fuck. You

[Arms_Race]

There isn't really a rhyming structure - not even a simple ABAB one or anything like that, and the lyrics are the usual "trying to be poetic and mysterious and deep" lyrics that only Funeral For A Friend were ever good at.

Oh and stop being a bitch.

[eyehatepeople]

Ahaha Funeral for a Friend...good at writing lyrics? Don't think so. And mysteriousness isn't really what I'm going for I'm actually trying to make a message obvious so people might have a chance of understanding it, but hey, what do I know?

There is no rhyme because its an intro/first verse, and no rhyme is needed, if I put it to music, you would understand this.

[Arms_Race]

...but hey, what do I know?

Not much apparently.
Anyway I'm not about to get into a flame war because that's not what I do, but you need to accept criticism if you're posting on these forums, and the problem is that people don't have a chance at understanding it because the 'metaphors' and whatnot aren't particularly brilliant or obvious. To us it just seems like whiny "I'm so deep and hurt by the world" lyrics.

[Ox]

Read the topic before you post. I said it was unfinished.

And as for emo nonsense, some of this actually means something to me.

Fuck. You

I read the topic. I was telling you to finish things before you post.

I don't care if it means everything to you, it means nothing to me because it's boring, over-done, cliched and inane.

Way to take constructive criticism like a bitchy little faggot, by the way.

[eyehatepeople]

Thanks bro, but criticism is only taken in the form of CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM by me, as I have said many times in the thread earlier. I don't need people with nothing better to do saying, shit, over and over again just because it may be (which it probably is). These people are the ones that pollute airwaves with their inane drivel each and every day, it is people like you that make my blood boil, because you use words like cliched, and inane, simply because they have been used before and you like the sound of them. I'm betting you don't even know the meaning of them without looking them up in the dictionary, which you will probably do now just to 'show me'.

How about some advice from me, get off your computer, grow a dick, and stop polluting the airwaves.

[Tweek]

It is cliched and inane.
The only constructive criticism anyone can give you is which direction to cut your wrists.

[Arms_Race]

You can't expect ALL constructive criticism - you're posting on Explosm forums! You know how we roll. And Ox didn't use them because he "likes the sound of them", it's because they were valid.

Tweek got it right this time.

[Greger]

HURR HURR you need to stop polluting the airwaves with your "metalcore" shit, it is crap and the only way to improve it is to redo it from scratch and try to find your own way of writing lyrics, because what you have written there doesnt make sense even if I had to take that line of text and shove it into my brain.

So it's not worth continuing on, even if you write this super-cliché song that parodises on everyone else who write these kind of lyrics, stop being such a dickhead and get it out of your ass that it is complete garbage and will never ever be anything remotely close to "ok".

Take the critizism given to you or be that whiny bitch that wont recognize when people try to help you become better in your less-than-mundane writing ability.
Saying "stop polluting the airwaves" doesnt sound cool or adequate in any sense either, you stupid bitch.

[Ox]

I was being constructive, I told what I didn't like, why I didn't like it and what to improve on. That's pretty much the definition of constructive criticism, but you'll already know that, what with your impecable knowledge of the English language.

You can't criticise someone for using the word "inane" then call them inane in the next paragraph, that makes you look like a moron.

Cliched and inane are really basic, common words, I did study English language at one of the best Universities in the country - if I din't know what they meant then I doubt I'd be so terribly elloquent.

Also, what airwaves? This isn't the radio.

[eyehatepeople]

Pfft my wrists are clean, and always will be, unless something uncontrollable happens, then they may be scarred.

Well is it ok for me to expect constructive criticism when i ask for it? Or shall I just give up all hope on life because some people whom I don't know don't like what I have written during a math class.

These were written pretty much in the same style that Parkway Drive use, as they are one of my favorite bands. Its supposed to have some sort of metal but use images of violence chucked in randomly, hence the razor blades.

Good? Damn right

[Greger]

Let me write you some super cool lyrics, Ox can you please critizise me?

Darkness and sorrow
Together they form
An unholy alliance.

Death stalks my every step.

The razors edge is what I walk
Nothing can stop this.

I have created my own demise
Misery and pain shall follow.

To cure this disease
I must begin a new path.

In shadow I dwell
This site I use

http://www.explosm.net
I take out my inner sorrow.

[Ox]

No, not good at all. That's the problem. You posted here for people to tell you what they think. You didn;t get the response you hoped for so you started lashing out like a little toddler, flailing his arms around and screeching in the supermarket aisles because mummy wouldn't buy him the sweeties he wanted.

You're obviously very immature. Not in the "boobs and farts are funny" sense, but in that you have an under-developed personality. Whether you were spoiled or ignored as a child, it shows now, because you crave attention and approval, but lash out when things don't go your way. Your comprehension of music is on the most basic of levels, with no real understanding of what's required to write decent work; simply emulating the works of current bands that you think are cool.

Once you grow up, and you actually grasp some sort of understanding about music, then perhaps you will be able to write something worth critique and take criticism appropriately.

[eyehatepeople]

I was being constructive, I told what I didn't like, why I didn't like it and what to improve on. That's pretty much the definition of constructive criticism, but you'll already know that, what with your impecable knowledge of the English language.

You can't criticise someone for using the word "inane" then call them inane in the next paragraph, that makes you look like a moron.

Cliched and inane are really basic, common words, I did study English language at one of the best Universities in the country - if I din't know what they meant then I doubt I'd be so terribly elloquent.

Also, what airwaves? This isn't the radio.

The airwaves that sound travels on. Oh i bet you missed that out at your most expensive university. Year 10 science, buddy, not hard to grasp.

I use the word inane because I know what it means and I like the meaning of it, as it describes the drivel that falls from most peoples mouths.

You actually didn't manage to tell me what I could do to improve it?

But I'm probably not going to look at this anymore because I'm too scared of the big words that everyone uses, and I really don't care about what has been said. I just have a bit of spare time, and have chosen to spend it getting people riled up about nothing at all...except it is usually more fun because people are usually a lot less educated and it is much easier to demean them.

[Arms_Race]

Greger, those are actually better than the first ones. I especially liked the use of razors - are you perhaps suggesting that your tongue is cut out in a sense, because you can't speak? I also liked the use of violent lyrics thrown in randomly, very Parkway Drive I'd say. Flawless.

[eyehatepeople]

Greger, those are actually better than the first ones. I especially liked the use of razors - are you perhaps suggesting that your tongue is cut out in a sense, because you can't speak? I also liked the use of violent lyrics thrown in randomly, very Parkway Drive I'd say. Flawless.

I don't get it. I don't actually think that sarcasm comes out in text.

[Arms_Race]

Sarcasm? Me? Surely not!
Take your year 10 science and go do something productive.

[Greger]

I don't get it. I don't actually think that sarcasm comes out in text.

Nope it's absolutely not ironic or meant to make a joke of you in any way at all.

Arms_Race ; Thanks, I really worked hard to make those lyrics, it reflects how I feel during the days and I really went after that Parkway Drive feeling, I was hoping it'd sound a bit more like "I killed the Prom Queen" lyrics too though :/

[eyehatepeople]

No, not good at all. That's the problem. You posted here for people to tell you what they think. You didn;t get the response you hoped for so you started lashing out like a little toddler, flailing his arms around and screeching in the supermarket aisles because mummy wouldn't buy him the sweeties he wanted.

You're obviously very immature. Not in the "boobs and farts are funny" sense, but in that you have an under-developed personality. Whether you were spoiled or ignored as a child, it shows now, because you crave attention and approval, but lash out when things don't go your way. Your comprehension of music is on the most basic of levels, with no real understanding of what's required to write decent work; simply emulating the works of current bands that you think are cool.

Once you grow up, and you actually grasp some sort of understanding about music, then perhaps you will be able to write something worth critique and take criticism appropriately.

AHA! I have found a decent reply! And yes, attention is good, and approval is good, but I couldn't care less whether you or anyone else i don't know likes me.

[Greger]

I like you :hmm:

[Arms_Race]

Oh, well maybe just work on it and you'll get to their caliber? Maybe mention your tears a lot more, and how they fall to the ground as you cry - like a million bullets flailing into the concrete ground. Something along those lines maybe? B+ for effort!

Edit: I like you...a lot.

[Ox]

The airwaves that sound travels on. Oh i bet you missed that out at your most expensive university. Year 10 science, buddy, not hard to grasp.

I use the word inane because I know what it means and I like the meaning of it, as it describes the drivel that falls from most peoples mouths.

You actually didn't manage to tell me what I could do to improve it?

But I'm probably not going to look at this anymore because I'm too scared of the big words that everyone uses, and I really don't care about what has been said. I just have a bit of spare time, and have chosen to spend it getting people riled up about nothing at all...except it is usually more fun because people are usually a lot less educated and it is much easier to demean them.

What sound?!!? I'm typing this, I'm not shouting it to you from the mountain tops.

[Ercoledi]

Maybe you should, Ox, because this kid isn't getting it.

The lyrics are trite garbage. Generic, silly, whiny, and while it may mean the world to you, and I'm sure it means the world to all 15 year old lyricists, it's filthy nonsense to your ultimate listeners: us. Please, for the love of all, do not pollute the airwaves with your trash.

The best constructive criticism anyone can offer is for you to ctrl+a, del and start again.

[tunacake]

But I'm probably not going to look at this anymore because I'm too scared of the big words that everyone uses, and I really don't care about what has been said. I just have a bit of spare time, and have chosen to spend it getting people riled up about nothing at all...except it is usually more fun because people are usually a lot less educated and it is much easier to demean them.

People always look like such idiots when they say "Big Words." Not that he hasn't lost all of his credibility in other posts in this thread, just saying.

[BassBastard]

Let's look at these section by section:

I'd give it all for
You to look my way
See also Kylie Minogue "Look My Way"
"If you would look my way
I would give everything I have to you
Look my way, oh
Show me that you want me too"

I'd give the world for
You to say those 3 words
see also Elise Estrada "These Three Words"

Angelic Features
They torment me

A La Simply Red "Angel"
"Who set me free
My heart is without a home
I don't want to be alone
Gotta find me an angel
In my life"

As I stand here I feel
The razors tear at my throat.

Now this could be anything from a cough suppressant to grind core lyrics. I could also hear Chris Barnes or Corpse Grinder growling this out like the chorus line from hell.

I will not try to be clever and use the same terminology that has inflamed your sense of artistic anger. What I would like to suggest is that you find related metaphors to structure your message. the "Razors at my throat" does not make me think of someone suppressing communication, but of some impending threat that will cause a violent end. (Be it the end of a life or a relationship.)

I really can not follow the thread of your idea and would need the full written lyrics to suggest changes and other ideas. Also, the thread of thought that will move through your song as it builds. Take, for example (shameless plug) my singer Kevin's lyrics about a battle in WWI:

In memory-----------------Lyrics.

I am one, the last of those, bled my blood on foreign shores,

We lead them all so all can fear, the only way that they'd appear.

We will know you from your deeds, the bones remain as long lost seeds,

We cry our name so all can see, the only way the young will lead.

chorus
I found a way.........
Our hands will dig.

Somewhere the cold winds blows, Ice has cracked collected snow,

Those that left are those that pay, we leave them all so far away.

I am one the last of those, left my name carved in the stone,

we leave them there so all can read, the only way that they can see.

chorus
I found a way..........
Our hands will dig.

the lyrics are a bit vague but work. You can get the idea of a battle, lives lost and a story. There is much more to the story, but who would try to sing the entire story "Bird Song" by Sebastian Faulk?

Now, anyone want to critique our lyrics, please do. You can also hear them at www.myspace.com/yearofthemoth . The song In Memory is a long, jam style song and the auditory clashes try to help tell the story.

On a single morning during World War I, the British army lost 20,000 men dead and 40,000 wounded or missing.

And EyeHatePeople, feel free to critique back. This is a place of opinions and comparison.

[Gaineddalead]

Read the topic before you post. I said it was unfinished.

And as for emo nonsense, some of this actually means something to me.

Fuck. You

i know what your aiming for, and you missed the target completely. go listen to first date thats what you want look

When you smile, I melt inside
I'm not worthy for one minute of your time
I really wish it was only me and you
I'm jealous of everybody in the room
Please don't look at me with those eyes
Please don't hint that your capable of lies
I dread the thought of our very first kiss
A target that I'm probably gonna miss

gets the point across that he wants the girl, but notice theres nothing about cutting and violence and all that bullshit? its because if youd use your top head and not your bottom one youd realize girls like sweet guys that are actually NICE to them and not emo boys that try to look like badasses and dark and all that crap.

i play guitar, and i have a girlfriend. i do not mix the two because i know she couldnt care less about the guitar but the person BEHIND the guitar and music.

you fail at life. music is not the way to a girl's heart dipshit. and dont even TRY to tell me this isnt about a girl.

[Idioteque]

Holy shit, this thread has reminded me of why I hate people my age.

[exetra]

Okay so basically I tried putting the OP's lyrics to a metalcore backing track and this is what I got. This is a big link, by the way. (http://exetra.googlepages.com/sortoflikeparkwaydrivelyrics.mp3)

[BassBastard]

Bloody Brilliant! Here is a record deal!
Are you available for an audition?

[Android]

Okay so basically I tried putting the OP's lyrics to a metalcore backing track and this is what I got. This is a big link, by the way. (http://exetra.googlepages.com/sortoflikeparkwaydrivelyrics.mp3)

Raw, I've got so much teenage angst. My girlfriend dumped me. :roffle:

[Idioteque]

Okay so basically I tried putting the OP's lyrics to a metalcore backing track and this is what I got. This is a big link, by the way. (http://exetra.googlepages.com/sortoflikeparkwaydrivelyrics.mp3)

I think I just soiled myself laughing, good call there.

[tunacake]

Raaaaaaaawwww!

Fucking hilarious.

[exetra]

Bloody Brilliant! Here is a record deal!


Sorry man, I'm already signed to RoadRunner.

Nice call on the Simply Red similarities, by the way.

[eyehatepeople]

Well since none of you seemed to have read my post above, maybe you should try. I got tired of this. I'm not a lyricist, and I never really intend to be, I just wanted to see whether they were decent because my friends told me they were.

I am actually a half decent guitarist (or so I like to think), I listen to heavy metal (black, core, thrash) and I write this sort of music after studying the composition of music for 3 years at my high school.

I don't care if you all hate me or think less of me now, because chances are that I will not meet any of you, even when I come to America at the end of this year.

Now please leave this thread alone.

[exetra]

Your post was an excuse for sucking that went something like "well I don't usually do this, you guys dont get it, NYAH NYAH NYAH". Chances are you didn't want "to see whether they were decent". You actually wanted us to like them, but we didn't and you shit bricks and tried every lame excuse for them being shit lyrics.

Oh wow you studied composition of music at HIGH SCHOOL. Nice one, I bet you learned how to write a really neat perfect cadence. How clever of you.

I don't care if you all hate me or think less of me now, because chances are that I will not meet any of you, even when I come to America at the end of this year.


That's what makes the adamant defense of your own terrible writing so funny.

[eyehatepeople]

Well considering that i actually haven't left HIGH SCHOOL yet, and am only 15 years old, yes i would considering my musical writing techniques above average.

I hope you enjoy arguing back and forth with a teenager over a small matter as much as I enjoy causing trouble in place like these where everyone gets annoyed rather easily.

And my last point being, how you successfully managed to come up with your own original points all by yourself. I wanted you to like them? gee i haven't heard that before in this thread. And then to top it off you criticize my writing ability? My lyrics? My argument? What might you be talking about, nobody knows, because somebody here with amazing writing talent doesn't specify what he might be talking about.

[Greger]

I just wanted to see whether they were decent because my friends told me they were.

And they werent and still you complain, whine and complain trying to achieve something, and now that you still get ass-raped you try to come up with excuses.
Listen to BassBastard, he tries to help you so stop your whining and suck it up.

Now write some other lyrics and actually make a full song you stupid whining bitch, I want to hear if your 3 years of MUSICAL SUPREME THEORY AT HIGHSCHOOL really was worth it.

[exetra]

Oh man I thought you meant you did like year 10-12 music. The fact that you're in like year 9 and you think you have insane music skills based on what you've learned until then is hilarious. Unless you did some extra-curricular shit which still doesn't impress me because you'd probably waste anything you learned on writing shitty metalcore.

And my last point being, how you successfully managed to come up with your own original points all by yourself. I wanted you to like them? gee i haven't heard that before in this thread. And then to top it off you criticize my writing ability? My lyrics? My argument? What might you be talking about, nobody knows, because somebody here with amazing writing talent doesn't specify what he might be talking about.

Wow. You tried to be sarcastic but you ended up coming across delirious :indiff:

[eyehatepeople]

I'm sorry, but i havn't actually complained about what was said since the first page.

And as I said, I'm not a lyricist and don't intend on becoming one, and I'll try post some of my guitar work if i can get some of it recorded, would you like that?

3 years at highschool is actually all that I could have possibly acheived by now, so I'm not actually sure how to respond to this, seeing as I begun in year 8 and am now in year 10, This is as much as i could have been taught.

[eyehatepeople]

When did I say I have 'Insane' music skills, I said above average? I actually have done extra-curricular things and in Australia, you start high school at aged 12, so 3 years plus extra curricular things.

[exetra]

3 years at highschool is actually all that I could have possibly acheived by now, so I'm not actually sure how to respond to this, seeing as I begun in year 8 and am now in year 10, This is as much as i could have been taught.

Don't talk yourself up then, asshat.

[Android]

Alright I think everyone including eyehatepeople agree this is shit. Thread closed and stickied. This is now a monument to your failure.