Some lyrical advice?

[meTalmessiah]

So, I've been working on a song recently, and the drums/guitars are recorded already. It's sort of an acoustic rock song, not too fast paced but not slow either. However, I can't help but feel that there's something missing from the lyrics - It's about society growing cold and turning it's back on someone, from the perspective of the songwriter. Tell me if you have any idea what could be improved or changed. Any criticism is welcome.

I once knew a girl
She tried to save the world
It was all so perfect
Before they found her

She tried to save our souls
But it left her full of holes
She never did give up,
I saw the way


The way she looked at me that night
Her eyes of fire burning bright
The way she soared above me to the stars
And she could spread her wings and fly
And she could leave us all behind
She could run away and leave us in the dark
But she would give away her wings
And she would give up everything
She can't go back, she's come so far
And it always makes me cry
To see the teardrops in her eyes
She's an angel but like us she has her scars


It hurt her soul inside
To see the people cry
But the people didn't
Want her to be brave

She tried with all her heart
But they ripped her soul apart
She was broken by
The ones she tried to save

[Chorus]

I used to know her well
Before we all put her through hell
She was so beautiful back then

I wish I could turn back time
Back to when she was divine
But she'll never go back again

The way she looked at me that night
Her eyes no longer held the light
Her perfect voice had lost the will to sing
She sacrificed herself
To save everybody else
And the words they said would never lose their sting
And she tried to save us all
But in return we let her fall
After she gave up on everything
She wanted to be strong
Never did anything wrong
She's an angel and we broke her wings

Edit: I know I use the word "soul" a bit much, but I think the repetition really suits the theme. Opinions?

[exetra]

The chorus is wicked long. I would probably only use half of it the first time around so the second one feels like the story is building up more.

[meTalmessiah]

Yeah, that's one problem I have with it. The thing is, the chorus is sung fairly quickly as opposed to a very slow verse, and that makes them about the same length. There's an outro which adds time to the verse as well.

If I were to cut the chorus in half the first time, which lines would you have me use? Just the first six, or should I mix it up a bit?

[InTransit]

You know, I was expecing a thread like the one thats stickied but this is actually pretty good. You've got the right repetition, timing etc going on so that it could actually work as a song. Criticisms I've got is that it seems a bit long, like you've added extra lines and verses (i.e. the very end verse seems pretty forced and really isn't required). Try taking out parts that you're not happy with, and if you need some kind of lyrics in there to get the length of the song, try repeating stuff instead. On the same track some of the rhyming seems forced and that could be why you've put some of the more average lines in there. Remember you don't need to always rhyme because to be honest, as long as it sounds good, you could have one random line in there that doesn't rhyme while the rest does and noone'd notice.

So yeah, good start, just work on making it something you're really happy with rather than something long and perfect.