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McDaniel_Boy10
03-07-2009, 1:30 AM
Death's Gift to a Farmer
by Nick McDaniel

The sun set on what seemed a dreary day in late June, 1938. Jed McDougall, an older man, with white hair and a scruffy beard, sat at his dinner table, waiting for something. He didn't know quite what he had been waiting for, but he just knew that it was something big. He took a sip from his half empty glass of water and just sat there, staring. A roach ran across the floor, sparking the only sudden movement Jed had made in over an hour, as he ended the life of the little pest. Jed stood up, rubbed his belly, and made a motion toward the door. "I done told you roaches to leave me be!" He said, half crazily to the dead insect. Walking to the living room now, Jed really showed how lanky he was. He stood at a gruff six foot eight, but weighed only 170 pounds. His overalls had a tear in the back, not visible while he was sitting. He got to his couch where upon he decided to take another seat, this time with a corn cob pipe in his mouth. He started to hum, and grabbed his bible. Jed flipped to a page and just started reading, the way any child might read a comic, or any librarian might read a novel. Jed was a simple man. The bible was the only book he ever took an interest in, and that's how he felt life should be. The life of a farmer really suited Jed in his beliefs. Living off the land, and taking care of himself. He did have a family. But that was another lifetime ago. His wife died when she was in her thirties from an extreme case of smallpox. And their boys didn't quite make it either, however their smallpox cases weren't quite as bad, they were still fatal. Yes, Jed was all alone in his farmhouse, no help out on the fields at all. Not like there was much left of the fields after the dust bowl. The land was just getting it's life back when Jed was slowing slipping out of his. It was dark now, and Jed had fallen asleep in a little catnap on his couch. It was a breezy evening, and Jed had left the door open. If it weren't for the door being open, Jed would have slept all night, but he figured, being awake, that his bedroom would be the best place to bunker down for the night. He headed over to his room, and got into his sleeping attire. He lit his candle and knelt down beside his bed for a quick prayer. He prayed for his land, and for the souls of his family, but for whatever reason, didn't pray for his own soul. He didn't figure it would change anything, being as old as Jed was. The candle was blown out, and Jed layed his head on his feather pillow, and drifted off to sleep.
He woke up early, with nothing to alarm him, it was just natural. He had woken up early his entire life, starting all the way back as a young boy on his papa's farm in the 1870's. Eyes open, and clothes on, he headed to his kitchen. Jed started his day with a glass of milk, from his one dairy cow, and a banana. Hardly the breakfast a hard working man deserves, but for Jed, it was tip top. He trudged outside with the hope that the new day would bring him joy. Jed had a smile on his face while he did his chores. The origin of this smile was unknown to him, it just seemed like it was going to be a good day. Jed knew that he was about to get what he had been waiting for. It was around noon when Jed took a break. He came inside, and made himself a glass of water, and grabbed another banana. With that down his hatch, he grabbed his hat, wiped the sweat from his forehead, and headed back outside into the Summer air. As soon as the work for the day was complete, and the Earth was prepared for another harvest, Jed came into his house. He sat at the table, quite hungry, and didn't have any food to cook. This unfortunate curse upon Jed didn't wipe the smile from his face. He was still sure that he would get what he was waiting for. As he sat at his table, looking through the crooked window frame in his kitchen, Jed finally saw what he had been waiting for for so long. It wasn't a new house, and it wasn't a barn. Money, food, or even harvest, it wasn't any of those things like he thought it would be. Outside the window stood another lanky figure. A dark and mysterious figure. Something so dark would normally invoke fear into an individual, but Jed remained still. Jed stood up, and walked outside to greet the one that had come to lend him a hand.
Jed was walking in the summer night air toward a silhouette that spelled an ominous fate. Jed kept his smile, and walked right up to that of which would normally scare the pants off of someone. Jed was gone now. Lost in the ecstasy that is death. He would not be disappointed though, as most are. Jed led a simple life. One of faith, and work. Jed met his wife again in that wonderful Heaven he had envisioned. She was healthy, and so were thier boys. Jed had gotten what he had been praying for. The souls of his deceased family were in good care, and the farm he would live on in this Heaven was stocked well. Jed had lived his entire life waiting for it to end. All he ever really wanted was to be with his family, to be with the one's he loved. And through life comes great hardships, but through death comes great happiness. Death is a subject that normally is looked upon as something to weep at, and for good reason. When we lose a loved one to the Reaper, we feel terrible. But death does have a side that most don't particularly view. Death can bring certain people what they've waited for. Death can bring you to a place that you've truly deserved but never achieved. All in all death isn't quite as bad a thing that it's concieved to be. The Lord works in mysterious ways, and in every way, it is different.

TummyFish
03-07-2009, 4:20 AM
Wow. Thats good. Being a dumb reader I would say it's good. Keep going.

abbey
03-07-2009, 1:38 PM
Paragraphs, for God's sake. Use more of them, and space them out.

To be honest, it was uninteresting. I don't know how to give you any constructive criticism, though.

It's a boring idea. Sometimes simple ideas can turn into great stories, if they're written with flair. This was just really straightforward. You might as well have said "A religious farmer did a day of work and then died, but was happy because his family was dead too."

Casalen
03-07-2009, 3:34 PM
I was hoping it would turn somewhere I didn't expect, and agree with the above. In screenplay writing, a common practice is to start with the logline, then the treatment, then the script. A similar approach can help identify story issues with any writing.

Also, 'scared the pants off' didn't fit with the rest of the language.

It wasn't bad, though.

Clark
03-07-2009, 4:25 PM
Definitely use paragraphs. It's just a wall of text that you keep getting lost in.

I also was hoping for a nice twist but it didn't come. I guess that's just what I've come to expect in a short story.

sprene
03-07-2009, 5:36 PM
I thought there wasn't enough of a build-up in the majority of the story to justify the big philosophical thing about death at the end of it, but I did like some of the phrases you used (ie. "The land was just getting its life back when Jed was slowly slipping out of his.")

lolguy
03-08-2009, 4:50 PM
Yeah, you need to use more paragraphs. You dragged the story on longer than it should have gone. You could have added more to it. I'm not sure, but I know there are things that could have been added to the story.
Overall, it was a pretty bland story.

woodentoast
03-08-2009, 7:38 PM
Your writing's good but the story idea just wasn't that great. Like sprene I thought stuff like The land was just getting its life back when Jed was slowly slipping out of his. was pretty nice. And like it's been said, paragraphs. It could've been alot worse for something posted on here though, not bad.

Crabstick
03-09-2009, 12:14 AM
You alternate too much between casual and more formal style of writing, and it throws off the story. As Abbey said, use paragraph. Also, learn to use apostrophes.

It's a nice little concept, I like the overall plot, but the way you built it up and the way you arrived there all need work.

It's probably a style thing, but you tend to be a bit redundant in places.
He got to his couch where upon he decided to take another seat
Well of course he decided to sit there, what else would he be doing on his couch?

It's got potential, but it needs to be tweaked.

sprene
03-09-2009, 12:18 AM
Yeah, there are a few grammatical errors. Or things that don't make the most sense.

He came inside, and made himself a glass of water, and grabbed another banana.

Maybe you just didn't proofread it after you wrote it. I can see myself beginning a sentence about making food, and then deciding to start with a glass of water.

Sherbetcat
03-09-2009, 4:59 PM
Heh. I like reading, but the fact that it's one big block of text just makes red lights flash.

Plus I'm lazy.
Anyway, like I imagine so many people have already told you, paragraphs.

koots
03-13-2009, 3:20 PM
I got about halfway through the story, I don't know if you changed how the paragraphs originally were yet but I found it very hard to read.

Audioslave
03-18-2009, 11:59 PM
Okay, check this out...

Death's Gift to a Farmer
by Nick McDaniel

The sun set on what seemed a dreary day in late June, 1938. [Don't insert the date on the onset. Either imply it, or slip it in later.] Jed McDougall, an older man, with white hair and a scruffy beard, sat at his dinner table, waiting for something. He didn't know quite what he had been waiting for, but he just knew that it was something big [Don't try to overexplain yourself. He's waiting for something, 'nuff said.]...

His overalls had a tear in the back, not visible while he was sitting. He got to his couch where upon he decided to take another seat, this time with a corn cob pipe in his mouth. [I don't know if this is what you're going for, but this creates a really charicturized version of the old feller. It's almost comical.]...

But that was another lifetime ago. His wife died when she was in her thirties from an extreme case of smallpox. [All cases of smallpox are extreme] And their boys didn't quite make it either, however their smallpox cases weren't quite as bad, they were still fatal.

It was around noon when Jed took a break. He came inside, and made himself a glass of water [You can't 'make' yourself a glass of water], and grabbed another banana. With that down his hatch [Using coloquialisms like 'down the hatch' can ruin the flow and mood.]

Jed was walking in the summer night air toward a silhouette that spelled an ominous fate. Jed kept his smile, and walked right up to that of which would normally scare the pants off of someone [Again, annoying colloquialism].

Overall, I'd grade it a B-. The intriguing, albeit overused, concept was there, the dispassionate, detached narrative was there and the cardboard character was there. You fault lies in a few things; first, you waiting far too long to address what your story is about. It seems to me like you decided on your raison d'etre too late. Most of the story is about some guy, whereas the last little bit deals with humanity's obsession and anticipation of death.

Furthermore, the narrative is full of hiccups. From little colloquialisms to spelling mistakes and odd word choices, it could use a whole bunch of smoothing out.

The story is also profoundly boring unless you have a vested interest in reading it. I wouldn't have read this had I not forced myself. Not to say that it's bad, just to say that it advertises itself poorly.

So, in the end; good, but by no means great.