PDA

View Full Version : A little prose poem.


tunacake
03-23-2009, 4:12 PM
I was going to post this in the "not worth a thread" thread, but there didn't seem to be much writing in there. Anyway,

Silence (more original title pending)

He screamed. The man awoke and screamed a jarring and resonant scream into the dense blackness which surrounded him from all directions. Never had he been exposed to a darkness with such thickness, such opacity, that he could see nothing of his surroundings, and all he could do was scream.

At length, the man ceased his shrieking, still petrified beyond budging from his current position, but one can only tolerate so much bellowing with such vigor before their vocal cords beg them to stop. It was precisely at this moment of cessation when the man detected a presence in the room. He did not know how exactly he knew it was there; he could see nothing but darkness, and he certainly didn’t hear anything, but somehow he knew that just beyond this shroud of darkness encircling him were the glowing red eyes and the shimmering, jagged teeth of this entity, this demon in his presence.

Naturally, despite the pain now pulsing in his throat, he began to scream again. This time, however, it may not have been in vain. When the man was wailing with fright into the blackness, he somehow perceived that the demon had relented, if only for a moment. He yelled out again, this time with a hint of curiosity mixed with the terror, and, yes! He sensed the demon had eased off again. Again and again he called out into the black, and each time he did he knew that he was holding the wretched demon back, but not weakening it. In between cries the spectre would advance towards him with the same vigor as the first time.

The man began to realize the futility of this Sisyphean task of repelling the beast only to have it pursue him again with tireless vitality. He knew that he could not hold back the demon forever, and yet he still could not move into the petrifying darkness that locked him in place. Eventually, his screams faded into sobs, which faded into faint snivels in the darkness, which faded into nothing.

And for an instant there flashed in the blackness before the man the two piercing red eyes of the ignoble demon, and the incessant darkness remained.

Godly
03-28-2009, 11:01 AM
Oh wow, that's not very good. Honestly you might as well sum it up as "Some guy screaming" and save us the hassle of reading it.
Also, why are you using those stupidly complex words? They don't add anything, especially if they're used in this sort of context.

Rob
03-28-2009, 12:07 PM
I screamed reading it.

LaPhBu
03-28-2009, 1:33 PM
Oh wow, that's not very good. Honestly you might as well sum it up as "Some guy screaming" and save us the hassle of reading it.
Also, why are you using those stupidly complex words? They don't add anything, especially if they're used in this sort of context.

Well Twilight did that and it sold well.

Metalhead636
03-28-2009, 2:14 PM
A little too much detail. I would tone it down a bit mate.

Hats of!
03-28-2009, 2:53 PM
The problem is that you are using far to many "pretty" words. Try to make something out of regular words, instead of "cessation", "Sisyphean" or "spectre". It just makes the poem pretentious, dull and pompous.

tunacake
03-28-2009, 6:58 PM
That's all very valid. Thanks for being constructive.

The main purpose of this thing was to see if I could convey a certain concept, and I don't think I did. I'll try it again some other time.

Laurence
03-29-2009, 8:08 AM
It wasn't that bad, it just had the air of either reaching a little too far for description (to the point of awkwardness in the sentences), or overuse of the trusty old thesaurus.

Assaulted_Peanut
03-29-2009, 2:01 PM
I agree with the "too complex" notion.

The sentence, "The man awoke and screamed a jarring and resonant scream into the dense blackness which surrounded him from all directions," can simply be changed to:

"The man awoke and screamed into the suffocating, dense blackness."

Or something of that sort.


And also. "Naturally, despite the pain now pulsing in his throat, he began to scream again." Slightly erotic.

Godly
03-31-2009, 1:13 PM
Well Twilight did that and it sold well.

It sold to idiotic 12 year old girls. It's a fad, they come and go. That doesn't meant they're good or have any merit whatsoever.

Sometimes a good story is the one that's written out in the simplest most direct form. No need to pussy-foot around the idea with eloquent language, just get your story out there.

CnGy
03-31-2009, 10:49 PM
Write it more like a scream and less like a math book and it could work.