Poem: Call me a cynic

[Astronaut]

Cool, didn't know Explosm had a section for stuff like this. looking forward to reading everybodys works. Any feedback would be cool. Just a lil something I cooked up while I was feeling like a grump.

---

Cue the crowd to baa like sheep, I'll share with you now what keeps me from sleep,

One person dead I say one person free, I'd give both my legs just to get off my knee's.

So what is one person? So long it's not me?

One part frail, two parts meek, one plus two equals three times weak.

So pour me a drink while I share how to think,

Admit that you're mindless, you dream of peace, by gods golden fleece,

but lets both be honest, when the end is upon us,

you'll sum up your lives with this phrase of neglect,

''Allow me this moment to reflect, no wait... that's it?! I wasn't ready, what
do you mean my hand wasn't steady? You're right... I'm spilling my
uncertainty, could you loan me your conscience? Mine is filthy.''

[Godly]

This is actually, for once, a good poem. It's quite interesting, but one thing: why is the last part all in one clump? It seems odd since the rest was all well spaced.
That and "uncertain-tea" was an awful pun, though I kinda still liked it.

[Audioslave]

Not great, but good. Nice job. Let me read it again later and give you a blow-by-play.

[Astronaut]

Yah I think the pun makes more sense in the actual poem and not in the reflection, because while the poem is sarcastic and cynical the phrase is supposed to be somebody looking back on their life and having nothing important to say.

:EDIT:
I don't know why I clumped it together at the end, just to make it more like someone was saying it I guess.

[timbot]

A sheep reference? With a start like that it's hard to go anywhere.
It was better than a lot of things I've seen on here, but mostly I was unimpressed. I look at it and it just seems to make very little sense. If a person dead is a person free, why not kill yourself? I don't like the "pour me a drink" part. It feels too much like something just thrown in to make the rhyme. "Uncertain-tea" is awful. It's a silly pun and I don't really see what it's supposed to mean. On a grammatical note, you say near the end "let's both be honest" making your audience one person but then you say "you'll sum up your lives" either making your audience plural now, or giving the one person multiple lives.
There were little bits I liked, but mostly I feel like it lacks continuity. It's phrases thrown together that sound kind of interesting until you try to actually figure out what they mean.

[Astronaut]

I get what what you're saying. I can see how it would be hard to follow but, The person who wrote this obviously has a high opinion of himself or a poor impression of how he see's everyone else. A narcissist would never take their own life. Both be honest is between writer and reader and I thought the "End is upon us" would be the transition to an audience. Axed the pun.

[The Pirate]

It sounds like song lyrics or something from a coffee club poetry reading. At least that's how I read it.

[Oofie]

By 'queue' did you mean 'cue'? Or am I just getting the wrong meaning from that line?

[Quadros]

I'm not going to lie, I thought is was terrible. It's got this sense of every rhyme being forced, and even the one good line is scarred by melodrama. The structure of lines is at times appalling and the deliberate mispelling of 'meek' was unnecessary and grating. Also it's ridiculously condescending.

Here's a blow by blow;

Queue the crowd to baa like sheep, I'll share with you now what keeps me from sleep,
The first part is so badly constructed it's insane. The second part is equal parts pretentious and forced. What, you think people will queue for your opinion? or are they two different unconnected statements which have been placed in the same line for no reason? If your reader's been confused in your first line it's not a great start.

One person dead I say one person free, I'd give both my legs just to get off my knee's.
The second part is a brilliant line. I really like it. But it's spoilt by the melodrama of the first part, which is so poseuresque, so early on, that it sets an incredibly immature and stereotypical scene for the rest of the poem. Which is a bit ironic considering that conformity is exactly what you're trying to attack.

So what is one person? So long it's not me?
Meh. Once again, a very cliche attack and it's not adequately explored to make it a valuable inclusion in the poem. It detracts from it.

One part frail, two parts meak, one plus two equals three times weak.

Once again, the mispelling is redundant since you use 'weak' at the end anyway, and 'meek' still rhymes. Still I get the feeling that your adherence to the rhyming structure constrains your creativity and forces out sub-par lines in order to it the structure.

So pour me a drink while I share how to think,
Oh yes master, let me just serve you and obey your orders while you enlighten us with your obviously superior understanding of free will in a poem that's plagued by a crippling adherence to structural and rhyming rules! Terrible. Just terrible.

Admit that you're mindless, you dream of peace, by gods golden fleece,
The mindless dream now? Anyway, the 'golden fleece' thing is obviously in there just to make up the rhyme (again). Also since Jason actually FOUND the fleece in the myth, and the point was that it actually turned out to exist, your oh-so-clever 'heaven is a myth' idea is inherently flawed.

but lets both be honest, when the end is upon us,

you'll sum up your lives with this phrase of neglect,
See now you say 'let's both be honest', but then just attack them. Where's your honesty, Mr 'I'm a non conformist and I'm better than you ignorant fools'?

''Allow me this moment to reflect, no wait... that's it?! I wasn't ready, what do you mean my hand wasn't steady? You're right... I'm spilling my uncertainty, could you loan me your conscience? Mine is filthy.''
The use of ellipses is damaging, it would sound better and more desperate without them. Also, the 'I'm spilling my uncertainty' is a pretty good line, but the rhyme with 'filthy' once again debases it. Finally, the suggestion that these people would try to cheat God/whoever's judging them by trading consciences means that their flaws are of a much deeper nature and therefore couldn't just be solved by by your teachings. It also suggests that you're just an inherently better person, which takes pretentious douchebaggery to a new high/low.

[Mr. Wink]

Gosh.

[exetra]

Gosh.

Awesome contribution, bro!

I also share Quaddy's distaste, though I'm actually rather fond of the fourth line as well as the second (sans the misspelling of "meek", anyway).

[Mr. Wink]

I was astounded by Quadros's post. And your post isn't that much of a fantastic contribution in itself.

[Tweek]

'I'd give both my legs just to get off my knees' was a pretty sweet line though.

[exetra]

I was astounded by Quadros's post. And your post isn't that much of a fantastic contribution in itself.

Awesome contribution, bro!

[Mr. Wink]

Awesome contribution, bro!

:gj:

[Astronaut]

Oh shit, I meant for that to be Cue. I haven't been in school for a bit and its starting to show.

It stings when even Quaddy calls you pretentious :wail:
Loving and appreciating the feedback still.

[Mr. Wink]

Cue the crowd to baa like sheep,

I actually have sheep. They're fucking noisy.