The Mountain

[Astronaut]

Tattered mind and battered hand,
bent this crag to my command,

nothing left for me to chase,
just quiet death at this slow pace,

never found what I was searching for,

one last place in mind to look,
brace the thought and off I took,

the blood in my nails is proof I tried,
the top of this mountain is still the bottom of the sky,
falling falling in defeat I cried,

"Why did I climb if I cannot fly?"

http://twistedphysics.typepad.com/cocktail_party_physics/images/2008/05/25/freefall_2.jpg

I think i'm going to change the title to "my mountain"

[Mr. Wink]

Pretentious much?

[Tweek]

So the rhyme scheme is AABB A AA ABAB?
That is weird.

I thought it was awesome though. But the rhyme just makes it awkward. It doesn't flow, which I think is important as it builds up towards the final line.

[Kokonut3]

Why does everyone need to schematize everything?
This is expression..
Just leave him...
< P.S.: No offense... hehehe >

[exetra]

Why does everyone need to schematize everything?

Maybe because they're trying to give their opinions on how he could improve in the future? If he wanted blind ass kissing he could've posted on DA or something.

The last line is great, though after reading it it seems to me like everything else is halfway redundant.

[Astronaut]

Pretentious much?
When did pretentious become a bad thing?

So the rhyme scheme is AABB A AA ABAB?
That is weird.

I thought it was awesome though. But the rhyme just makes it awkward. It doesn't flow, which I think is important as it builds up towards the final line.

I hear yuh, most my stuff keeps a steady rhythm throughout but I don't agree with the "doesn't flow". Only place it really changes up is the top of the mountain part.

Why does everyone need to schematize everything?
This is expression..
Just leave him...
< P.S.: No offense... hehehe >

I'd rather all hate replys than nothing, to think it rallys no response is the worst thing you can get.

[timbot]

When did pretentious become a bad thing?

About the time it started meaning this:
adj.

1. Claiming or demanding a position of distinction or merit, especially when unjustified.
2. Making or marked by an extravagant outward show; ostentatious.

To actually, critique the poem: I didn't like the rhyme scheme either. A good rhyme scheme works, and no rhyme scheme works, but rhyming without an actually scheme is not good.
I don't feel like the ideas flow well. It seems like a jumble of thoughts, and I'm not sure what is happening. The final question seems deep, but really makes no sense. "Why did I climb if I cannot fly?" He climbs BECAUSE he cannot fly. If he could fly, what would be the point of climbing? Also, if he "bent this crag to my command" why is he defeated at the end? Why not just climb down?
Finally, "brace the thought and off I took" is a terrible line. Changing the syntax like that to make a rhyme just sounds clunky.

[Astronaut]

I imagine the top of the top of the mountain wasn't at all what he was searching for (as stated :P), and was a desperate attempt to find meaning or fullfillment. And when he didn't find it the only thing he was holding onto is crushed and it sends him into a spiral.

This is all very metaphorical, which is why I want to change it to "my mountain"

[Astronaut]

As far as pretentious I'd read a different definition that didn't sound as bad.
And wouldn't anybodys last moments alive and alone be?

[Quadros]

Tattered mind and battered hand,
bent this crag to my command,
Awesome. Really great couple of lines.

nothing left for me to chase,
just quiet death at this slow pace,

never found what I was searching for,

one last place in mind to look,
brace the thought and off I took,
All of this is pretty bad in comparison and the middle line is confusing in it's isolation. It just looks like you were trying to come up with lines that fitted with the rhyming scheme of the first 2 lines. Quick tip: good poetry never, ever appears forced. The mastery is found in making the adherence to the strictest form seem effortless.

the blood in my nails is proof I tried,
the top of this mountain is still the bottom of the sky,
falling falling in defeat I cried,

"Why did I climb if I cannot fly?"
I like the rhyming scheme here, the ABAB which is also almost AAAA, but it's ruined by the disregard you show the structure in the length of the bolded line. That sucks because that line is, in my opinion, also brilliant. The actual lines and patterns seem more natural than the middle lines, but they're still not as graceful as the first two.

http://twistedphysics.typepad.com/cocktail_party_physics/images/2008/05/25/freefall_2.jpg

I think i'm going to change the title to "my mountain"

If the picture is meant to be part of the art then I would take it out. Only because I'm something of a purist in art who believes that a hybridisation of styles will never be as beautiful as a pure form, because the brilliance of a pure form is the ability to use one form of art to convey a complete picture. But that's my opinion.

[WoeStorm]

the top of this mountain is still the bottom of the sky
I feel like this line has one word to many, but it's probably just me.

Awesome, otherwise.

[Sherbetcat]

The first verse was miles better than the rest of the poem, and it almost doesn't seem to fit as everythign else seems a bit.. disjointed, maybe?
Also, the repetition of falling annoyed me. It was like you couldn't think of a good word to descirbe the falling, so you just repeated it. Although, it might seem better with a comma in between them.

Also, I'm confused as to why exactly the picture is there.