Long time lurker first time poster.

[bizzle]

Okay, because I am broke-ass, I have decided to write a corny little poem for my little sisters high school graduation, draw some pictures, frame it and give it to her hoping she loves me enough not to show her disappointment until after I leave to go to the washroom.

Because I want it to be good, (I love my little sister) I am posting here to get help with it, not to show it off. I am in no way a poet and I fully recognize that.

Something i really know I need help on is proper punctuation and capitalization in poetry.

I could use a few good ideas for the illustrations as well.

Thanks!


Little bird the time has come
To stretch your newfound wings.
The world outside your nest of twigs
Holds new, exciting things.

A lot of things will change for you -
you'll find that very fast.
The worms your mother brought for you
are now memories of the past.

But beware the gusts of wind that try
To vex your every flight
Though fun and easy they may be,
to resist is worth the fight <-- don't like the last two lines

To allow these winds to pull you in,
if you give into the force
You'll find that by the time you check,
You'll be way off your course.

And if you feel about to fall,
remember this one thing
The only way that you can fly
Is if you flap your wings!

[timbot]

It's sappy, and kind of trite, but given the circumstance and the audience, it's permissible. The two stanzas about the wind aren't too good. They're a bit more difficult to follow.
For one thing, get rid of the "But" in "But beware. . ." It messes up the rhythm.
I can't give you much more help on how to write it. Also, make sure you capitalize every line.

[Godly]

You should review some of the rhythms cause they don't always flow very well.
But I think overall it's not too bad given the occasion. But you could still tweak it and change some of the lines to flow better and just kinda be better.

[ThisComixSucks]

i liked it :)
nice poem :)

[Glowstick]

Awww, really sweet.
Although, I really only liked the first two verses and the last verse. The rest kinda sucked.

[Casalen]

Holds new, exciting things.

A lot of things will change for you -


I don't like words doubling up like that if it isn't in a pattern, especially vague 'I couldn't think of specifics' words. Also, 'a lot' isn't too poetic. I'm not sure if it's possible to change, but if you're rewriting anyway maybe think about it.

I agree with the above, take out 'but'. It also helps lower the risk of messing up when spoken.

>
Though fun and easy they may be,
to resist is worth the fight <-- don't like the last two lines
>

Not only does it sound bad, it doesn't make sense. Resisting is the fight, it's not the reward. That whole stanza should be reconsidered or thrown.

>
You'll be way off your course.

Is 'way' needed? Without undoing my deleting of the rest of the stanza, I think it's too many syllables in that line and sounds bad. Just say 'you'll be off your course'.

The last stanza is cheesy and amateur sounding, but follows convention so it works.