A Broken Mirror

[Quadros]

So I found this in a pile of stuff from my teenage years, I think I was maybe seventeen when I wrote it. I've messed around with it a bit, trying to fix it, and now I'm posting it here. As far as I can remember (and I've got a great memory) It's not written about anyone in particular, it's a bit of teenage angst which I'm actually kind of proud of. I'm not sure if the concept works or not since it breaks quite a few rules of poetry, which is why I'm posting it. Does it work? Or are the rules rules for a reason?

A Broken Mirror

Please don’t call me anymore
‘Cause you can’t take ‘I still adore you’
And If I hear your voice I’m sure
That I can’t make it
I’ve been wasting hours trying not to sleep
And I’m now great at counting sheep
I can keep going for hours while this stabs inside of me

It may take it’s precious time
But I’ll be fine, I promise
And I don’t need you to try and hold me up
I’m all apart and falling
And maybe, within another year
Your voice won’t be the one I fear
But until then we can’t be friends
‘Cause I still tremble when you’re near.

[Oofie]

It's not very good and I'm a bit surprised you posted it here to be honest.

Poetry is not just
Teenage angst
Typed out like this
Even if you add
A slightly erratic rhyming scheme.

Oscar Wilde said 'All bad poetry springs from genuine feeling. To be natural is to be obvious, and to be obvious is to be inartistic'. This poem is painfully inartistic. There's no beauty in your language, you didn't use any kind of imagery or metaphors or symbolism, and the topic appears superficial and juvenile, along with everything else.

Sorry to be so harsh. You could call it lyrics instead of a poem and get away with it, songs don't need the depth that a poem does.

[Derelict]

I'm trying to find some rhythm but I can't.

[Quadros]

Well that's not a great sign for me. Imagine it being spoken by the guy to the girl like you'd say something like that. (Emo fringe optional.)

[timbot]

I think there's a rhythm there. It's not set like some poems where there are a certain number of beats per line of course, but it still has a flow.
I mostly have to second what Oofie said. There just doesn't seem to be much to it. I understand what's being said, and I think I understand the feeling you're trying to convey. But I'm not pulled into it at all.

[Acciaccatura]

My first thought was that it needs some music with it. It flows well enough to be used in a song; if you play an instrument then you should put some chords to it.
So I guess I agree with Oofie and Timbot.

[Glowstick]

Sounds like a set of lyrics an emo wrote, but he can't play an instrument or sing for shit so he turned it into a poem. It wasn't totally lost, until I read the line 'I can keep going for hours while this stabs inside of me.'

[Assassin]

It's... beautiful

[Sequence2Destruction]

I like it actually. And despite what they say, it does have flow. Though the line, 'And I’m now great at counting sheep' is kind of out of place. Though why is it called A Broken Mirror?

[Quadros]

Because the basic idea behind it is the girl who broke up with him was 'the one' or something and so she was, in essence, a perfect reflection of him, and thus when she dumped him she smashed the reflection and therefore the mirror, leaving him in pieces. Each line is meant to represent a shard of that broken 'mirror', and that's why they're all different lengths, and why they don't quite fit together or rhyme exactly, because when you smash a mirror you'll never be able to fix it and if you try there'll still be noticeable cracks and shards missing and it will obviously be damaged goods. And that's how he feels.

It was kind of supposed to be conceptual art in literary form, if you get me, but I didn't make it obvious enough and it didn't really work. I didn't think the deliberate bluntness of the words would matter in that context, and might even bring that aspect of it to the fore, but it appears I was wrong.

Back to the drawing board then.

[John Travolta]

Definitely need to revise the sentence and the rhyming scheme. There's just no rhythm to it.

[Quadros]

Is that your opinion despite my post above or did you post that just as I did and didn't take it into account? Not being bitchy, genuinely want to know.