VioletSadi
06-02-2009, 5:33 AM
This is a play I wrote for drama. I'm rather fond of it, so I thought I'd post it here for an unbiased view. Anyway, here it is.
The Penultimate Quest
DAVID has just 8 or ten if he’s lucky minutes to live. He is suffering a disease called Plot furtherance. Many people suffer from this delusion or disease, but he’s got the worse case ever seen.
Doctor/sidekick WATSON- tells him he’s got that long to live plays several people on DAVID’s quest. Older than David.
DAVID- heroic to the point of idiocy. Anywhere from 25-45 in age.
VILLIGER- minor character wronged by DAVID’S heroics.
ARTHUR- Another person infected with Plot Furtherance. He is a corrupted hero, and has become a villain. Older than DAVID, and has been questing for 9 minutes, meaning his life is almost at an end. He is hunting for WATSON, whom he believes has given him plot furtherance.
SCENE 1 DOCTOR’S HOUSE
DAVID What do you mean my minutes are numbered?
WATSON Exactly what I said. Due to a rare disease called Plot Furtherance, you have 9 minutes to live. Ten if you’re lucky.
DAVID What are the symptoms of Plot Furtherance?
WATSON Heroics, sudden death, and acting as though your lines have been written for you. And living for a very short time.
DAVID So what can I do?
WATSON Go on a quest? I’ve heard that helps.
DAVID ONWARDS! (Exits)
WATSON shakes head
WATSON Poor, poor lad. It’s worse than I thought. (Exits)
SCENE 2- SETTING OUT
DAVID I am here to Prove My Worth and Save the Day!
WATSON That’s nice lad. But who are you fighting?
DAVID The Perilous Peril of… um… any ideas?
WATSON The villainous tumpty-tum?
DAVID Yes! I will defeat The Villainous, Dastardly- Tumpty-Tum?
WATSON You know, the verbal equivalent of insert name here?
DAVID I will defeat the Dastardly Villain the Economic Crisis!
WATSON That doesn’t sound right. And anyway, what are you going to do, threaten to throw money at it until it goes away?
DAVID Good point Doctor Watson. I Shall Face My Nemesis? (Pause) Is that better?
WATSON You have to find him first. And even then, your nemesis is by definition your equal and opposite. He’ll be hard to defeat.
DAVID I will face him and win! (Laughs heroically and brandishes stick)
WATSON shakes his head and exits.
DAVID I must find something for which to Quest! Then, My Opposite will have to stop me, we shall duel and I shall win. Now, what shall I quest for? The Holy Grail? Naah, that’s been done to death. What about Stealing Fire from the Gods?
WATSON enters wearing armour carrying a set for DAVID.
WATSON I thought that was a one time quest only.
DAVID Have you been eavesdropping?
WATSON Yes…
DAVID draws stick, realises it’s a stick and throws it away, raises his fists
DAVID That’s a Villainous Trait, Spying!
WATSON Not when you’re yelling it out for the world to hear, and not when I am a medical professor, surely. You could have said something that related to your health, and if I went around ignoring my patients there’d be hell to pay!
DAVID considers this.
DAVID Did I say anything vital involving my health?
WATSON Not until you realised I was eavesdropping, whereupon you proved you’d got worse.
DAVID (considers this) so the fact you were snooping…
WATSON (interrupts) Listening to you.
DAVID What ever you were doing in order to improve my health accidentally worsened it.
WATSON However, in the aftermath of the listening to you we have managed to have a decent conversation in a calm, rational matter which could be seen as an improvement.
DAVID Then I have Found My Quest.
WATSON (sigh) Just when progress was being made…. What’s your quest then?
DAVID To find the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.
WATSON Been done.
DAVID What?
WATSON ‘s been done. Douglas Adams, during Life, the Universe and Everything.
DAVID Well I bet you can’t tell me what it is, now can you!
WATSON 42
DAVID Damn. What about the question?
WATSON What about it?
DAVID Can I quest for it?
WATSON But we know it. What do you get when you multiply 6 and 7?
Lights turn off, and then turn back on again.
DAVID What was that?
WATSON The Universe restarting. You see…
DAVID Got it! I could adventure For God’s message to all creation?
WATSON Are you trying to rip of poor old Douglas? He’s done that too, and saved the lives of everyone within the universe itself just before the world was demolished.
DAVID Poot.
WATSON Poot? That’s not a heroic thing to say! Since you’re going to be a hero, you might as well embrace it.
DAVID Blast then. Or Thunderous oaths.
WATSON Very good. Now, why don’t we just generally quest, and see what turns up.
DAVID Brilliant Idea, Dr Watson. ONWARDS!
DAVID trots offstage.
WATSON I had a feeling you would say something like that. (Half-heartedly) Onwards, I suppose.
WATSON walks offstage
ARTHUR sneaks on
ARTHUR The word “Onwards” has been said in this vicinity. I can smell it.
ARTHUR inhales through nostrils
ARTHUR Cont’d. Yes, they definitely passed this way. And they went – that way!
ARTHUR walks off in a different direction to DAVID and WATSON
SCENE 3 THE QUEST!
WATSON and DAVID enter, arguing.
WATSON But dragons are a protected species!
DAVID You can’t tell me those villagers weren’t terrorised
WATSON They were TOURISTS, David. They pay big bucks to be safely terrified.
DAVID I did wonder what the flashing boxes were. And the cheering, and the questions about when the next show would be on.
WATSON Yes, well, now you know.
DAVID But the actual villagers of that village will never be terrorised again, right?
VILLAGER wanders in, shaking fists at DAVID. He cries in anguish and walks offstage.
Watson I don’t know about Terrorised, but they’ve definitely lost their source of income. You have to think David. Not just bash everything that comes into view. And if you ever embarrass me like that again, I’ll let you quest on your own. What’s that?
WATSON points to small piece of paper on rock. DAVID picks it up and examines it.
DAVID It’s a map. What are the odds of coming across a map to a cave marked “David Sadi’s Nemesis” on a rock in the middle of no where?
WATSON A million to one, or thereabouts. David, I don’t like this. It could be a trap.
DAVID Of course it’s not a trap! Look at it this way. Immediately, you thought “this looks dodgy; it’s a trap, right?
WATSON Right….
DAVID And the point of a trap is to be unexpected, right?
WATSON Right again.
DAVID Therefore this set up is so obviously a trap that it can’t be a trap at all.
WATSON Ri– hang on, run that by me again?
DAVID No time, we must head for the cave of my NEMESIS!
WATSON You can read maps?
DAVID Oh, poot.
WATSON “POOT?” “POOT!” Poot is NOT a heroic word, David. I have told you before and I shall say it again, poot is not a word you should use.
DAVID Whoa, Watson, it’s not that bad.
WATSON Yes it is. It is!
DAVID I’ll fight you for the right to say it.
WATSON Beating up an old man isn’t heroic either.
DAVID draws sword, WATSON reluctantly draws his. They fight in as showy way as possible, WATSON being victorious. They sheath their swords, WATSON panting heavily.
WATSON It just isn’t heroic, alright?
DAVID I accept your words, teacher. ONWARDS!
DAVID walks offstage. WATSON follows, shaking his head.
WATSON Worst case of plot furtherance I’ve ever seen.
ARTHUR leaps up from behind the rock
ARTHUR My plan is now implemented, and soon I will have the doctor and that delusional Hero within my clutches. And I’m sure they will find them most difficult to escape from. Mwa-ha-ha-haa….
Arthur walks offstage, chuckling evilly as he walks offstage.
SCENE 4 THE TRAP
DAVID and WATSON walk on, looking around themselves as if taking their bearings. WATSON seems agitated and nervous. There is a circle of rope in the middle of the stage. NOTE: they must NOT stand in this circle until mentioned in the script.
WATSON I swear you said you can read maps
DAVID Yes, well, I thought I could. I can do other heroic things I’ve never done before. I mean, how often does a tax-collector have to use a sword?
WATSON In the old days quite a lot, actually.
DAVID Well, these days we tend to rely more on sharply worded letters than sharp edges.
WATSON And eviction notices.
DAVID And them. Although I don’t think I could give them out now.
WATSON That’s just the heroics talking, David. You could probably still give them, but you’d then rob a bank and give the proceeds to them or something.
DAVID Be right back!
David rushes offstage, drawing his sword. WATSON sits on a rock and settles down to wait. Strange noises drift in from offstage.
DAVID (offstage). Give me your ill-begotten gains, banker!
WATSON shakes his head as DAVID runs across the stage, carrying a sack over his back and NOT stepping in the rope circle. More strange noises
DAVID (offstage) And next time, try to pay the bank back on time, alright? No, there’s no need to repay me, it’s all in a days work for the Anti Taxman.
DAVID runs back onstage, stepping into rope circle
WATSON WATCH OUT!
WATSON runs into rope circle
WATSON Now look what you’ve wrought, David. Have you anything to say for yourself?
DAVID Poot. Poot poot poot.
WATSON THAT WORD IS NOT HEROIC! I doubt even a sidekick would use a word like poot. I mean, due to a freak medical condition you are a hero David! That Means More Than A Quest And Sword Brandishing Skill! You have a Duty to all the Heroically Minded Individuals watching this to act Nobly, Chivalrously and Justly at all times. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
ARTHUR walks on, grinning broadly and evilly when he sees DAVID and WATSON in the trap.
ARTHUR I hear you, Watson. And your time is up!
WATSON I don’t know how you mean, ARTHUR.
ARTHUR I set this trap, knowing all too well the mentality of the Plot Furtherance cases, being one myself. Although I did think he’d read maps better, but no matter. He got here in the end. I knew you would follow this man, regardless of where he went. I know you’re an author searching for more realistic characters, and not a doctor at all. YOU are the reason I speak of Noble and Wondrous Sentiment with a specific emphasis. For this travesty, you must die. Have at you! Oh, I forgot, you are all tied up. So I’ll have to ‘have at you’ myself.
ARTHUR laughs evilly and advances on the two struggling adventurers. DAVID cuts the rope with his sword, and stands to face ARTHUR. WATSON pushes him aside.
WATSON No, my lad. This isn’t your fight.
WATSON draws sword, and defends against ARTHUR’S onslaught, but does not attack.
ARTHUR Admit it! You created this disease, didn’t you? And then you follow those infected-
WATSON (quietly) Only the heroes.
ARTHUR Spare me your moralising, author. You lie as you breathe. You told me I would become Britain’s greatest hero, and that has definitely not happened. You sir, in short are a Villain and A Dastard to boot! A Cad, a Blighter, a Scoundrel, a Dreadful Desperado! A…
WATSON avoids ARTHUR’S last desperate stroke. ARTHUR collapses into DAVID’S arms. DAVID catches him, and looks around quickly.
DAVID Is there a doctor in the house?
WATSON What am I, a Beggar?
DAVID But he said you were an author, and a Villain and A Dastard to boot! A Cad, a Blighter, a Scoundrel, a Dreadful Desperado! A…
WATSON A?
DAVID I dunno, He died before he could say.
WATSON I helped him reach that conclusion myself. It was his quest you see- to find a villain and insult him to death
DAVID But you aren’t dead!
WATSON Well I didn’t say whose death did I?
DAVID But that is the action of a… a… Villain and A Dastard to boot! A Cad, a Blighter, a Scoundrel, a Dreadful Desperado! A… Vile…
DAVID falls heroically, for preference not hitting ARTHUR. WATSON inspects watch
WATSON 11 minutes and 23 seconds. Poor lad, though that’s the best time so far, although I do wish they could get to the end of their insult before carking it. I’d better help another Plot Furtherance case then. ONWARDS!
WATSON draws sword, trots offstage, gets almost off and then collapses. He props himself to his elbows with effort and checks his watch
WATSON 14 days, 11 hrs, 59 minutes and 25 seconds, which makes me the longest living plot furtherance case in all of history. I am… a… a… Villain and A …Dastard to boot! A C…ad, a Blighter, a …Scoundrel, a Dr…eadful Desperado! A… Vile… anthropomorphic… I can’t go on…
WATSON falls completely to the ground then dies. Villager wonders in, sees DAVID dead and laughs at his death. He chokes on his laughter and falls to the ground.
VILLAGER ONWARDS!
VILLAGER steals DAVID’S sword and walks offstage brandishing it.
END
The Penultimate Quest
DAVID has just 8 or ten if he’s lucky minutes to live. He is suffering a disease called Plot furtherance. Many people suffer from this delusion or disease, but he’s got the worse case ever seen.
Doctor/sidekick WATSON- tells him he’s got that long to live plays several people on DAVID’s quest. Older than David.
DAVID- heroic to the point of idiocy. Anywhere from 25-45 in age.
VILLIGER- minor character wronged by DAVID’S heroics.
ARTHUR- Another person infected with Plot Furtherance. He is a corrupted hero, and has become a villain. Older than DAVID, and has been questing for 9 minutes, meaning his life is almost at an end. He is hunting for WATSON, whom he believes has given him plot furtherance.
SCENE 1 DOCTOR’S HOUSE
DAVID What do you mean my minutes are numbered?
WATSON Exactly what I said. Due to a rare disease called Plot Furtherance, you have 9 minutes to live. Ten if you’re lucky.
DAVID What are the symptoms of Plot Furtherance?
WATSON Heroics, sudden death, and acting as though your lines have been written for you. And living for a very short time.
DAVID So what can I do?
WATSON Go on a quest? I’ve heard that helps.
DAVID ONWARDS! (Exits)
WATSON shakes head
WATSON Poor, poor lad. It’s worse than I thought. (Exits)
SCENE 2- SETTING OUT
DAVID I am here to Prove My Worth and Save the Day!
WATSON That’s nice lad. But who are you fighting?
DAVID The Perilous Peril of… um… any ideas?
WATSON The villainous tumpty-tum?
DAVID Yes! I will defeat The Villainous, Dastardly- Tumpty-Tum?
WATSON You know, the verbal equivalent of insert name here?
DAVID I will defeat the Dastardly Villain the Economic Crisis!
WATSON That doesn’t sound right. And anyway, what are you going to do, threaten to throw money at it until it goes away?
DAVID Good point Doctor Watson. I Shall Face My Nemesis? (Pause) Is that better?
WATSON You have to find him first. And even then, your nemesis is by definition your equal and opposite. He’ll be hard to defeat.
DAVID I will face him and win! (Laughs heroically and brandishes stick)
WATSON shakes his head and exits.
DAVID I must find something for which to Quest! Then, My Opposite will have to stop me, we shall duel and I shall win. Now, what shall I quest for? The Holy Grail? Naah, that’s been done to death. What about Stealing Fire from the Gods?
WATSON enters wearing armour carrying a set for DAVID.
WATSON I thought that was a one time quest only.
DAVID Have you been eavesdropping?
WATSON Yes…
DAVID draws stick, realises it’s a stick and throws it away, raises his fists
DAVID That’s a Villainous Trait, Spying!
WATSON Not when you’re yelling it out for the world to hear, and not when I am a medical professor, surely. You could have said something that related to your health, and if I went around ignoring my patients there’d be hell to pay!
DAVID considers this.
DAVID Did I say anything vital involving my health?
WATSON Not until you realised I was eavesdropping, whereupon you proved you’d got worse.
DAVID (considers this) so the fact you were snooping…
WATSON (interrupts) Listening to you.
DAVID What ever you were doing in order to improve my health accidentally worsened it.
WATSON However, in the aftermath of the listening to you we have managed to have a decent conversation in a calm, rational matter which could be seen as an improvement.
DAVID Then I have Found My Quest.
WATSON (sigh) Just when progress was being made…. What’s your quest then?
DAVID To find the answer to Life, the Universe and Everything.
WATSON Been done.
DAVID What?
WATSON ‘s been done. Douglas Adams, during Life, the Universe and Everything.
DAVID Well I bet you can’t tell me what it is, now can you!
WATSON 42
DAVID Damn. What about the question?
WATSON What about it?
DAVID Can I quest for it?
WATSON But we know it. What do you get when you multiply 6 and 7?
Lights turn off, and then turn back on again.
DAVID What was that?
WATSON The Universe restarting. You see…
DAVID Got it! I could adventure For God’s message to all creation?
WATSON Are you trying to rip of poor old Douglas? He’s done that too, and saved the lives of everyone within the universe itself just before the world was demolished.
DAVID Poot.
WATSON Poot? That’s not a heroic thing to say! Since you’re going to be a hero, you might as well embrace it.
DAVID Blast then. Or Thunderous oaths.
WATSON Very good. Now, why don’t we just generally quest, and see what turns up.
DAVID Brilliant Idea, Dr Watson. ONWARDS!
DAVID trots offstage.
WATSON I had a feeling you would say something like that. (Half-heartedly) Onwards, I suppose.
WATSON walks offstage
ARTHUR sneaks on
ARTHUR The word “Onwards” has been said in this vicinity. I can smell it.
ARTHUR inhales through nostrils
ARTHUR Cont’d. Yes, they definitely passed this way. And they went – that way!
ARTHUR walks off in a different direction to DAVID and WATSON
SCENE 3 THE QUEST!
WATSON and DAVID enter, arguing.
WATSON But dragons are a protected species!
DAVID You can’t tell me those villagers weren’t terrorised
WATSON They were TOURISTS, David. They pay big bucks to be safely terrified.
DAVID I did wonder what the flashing boxes were. And the cheering, and the questions about when the next show would be on.
WATSON Yes, well, now you know.
DAVID But the actual villagers of that village will never be terrorised again, right?
VILLAGER wanders in, shaking fists at DAVID. He cries in anguish and walks offstage.
Watson I don’t know about Terrorised, but they’ve definitely lost their source of income. You have to think David. Not just bash everything that comes into view. And if you ever embarrass me like that again, I’ll let you quest on your own. What’s that?
WATSON points to small piece of paper on rock. DAVID picks it up and examines it.
DAVID It’s a map. What are the odds of coming across a map to a cave marked “David Sadi’s Nemesis” on a rock in the middle of no where?
WATSON A million to one, or thereabouts. David, I don’t like this. It could be a trap.
DAVID Of course it’s not a trap! Look at it this way. Immediately, you thought “this looks dodgy; it’s a trap, right?
WATSON Right….
DAVID And the point of a trap is to be unexpected, right?
WATSON Right again.
DAVID Therefore this set up is so obviously a trap that it can’t be a trap at all.
WATSON Ri– hang on, run that by me again?
DAVID No time, we must head for the cave of my NEMESIS!
WATSON You can read maps?
DAVID Oh, poot.
WATSON “POOT?” “POOT!” Poot is NOT a heroic word, David. I have told you before and I shall say it again, poot is not a word you should use.
DAVID Whoa, Watson, it’s not that bad.
WATSON Yes it is. It is!
DAVID I’ll fight you for the right to say it.
WATSON Beating up an old man isn’t heroic either.
DAVID draws sword, WATSON reluctantly draws his. They fight in as showy way as possible, WATSON being victorious. They sheath their swords, WATSON panting heavily.
WATSON It just isn’t heroic, alright?
DAVID I accept your words, teacher. ONWARDS!
DAVID walks offstage. WATSON follows, shaking his head.
WATSON Worst case of plot furtherance I’ve ever seen.
ARTHUR leaps up from behind the rock
ARTHUR My plan is now implemented, and soon I will have the doctor and that delusional Hero within my clutches. And I’m sure they will find them most difficult to escape from. Mwa-ha-ha-haa….
Arthur walks offstage, chuckling evilly as he walks offstage.
SCENE 4 THE TRAP
DAVID and WATSON walk on, looking around themselves as if taking their bearings. WATSON seems agitated and nervous. There is a circle of rope in the middle of the stage. NOTE: they must NOT stand in this circle until mentioned in the script.
WATSON I swear you said you can read maps
DAVID Yes, well, I thought I could. I can do other heroic things I’ve never done before. I mean, how often does a tax-collector have to use a sword?
WATSON In the old days quite a lot, actually.
DAVID Well, these days we tend to rely more on sharply worded letters than sharp edges.
WATSON And eviction notices.
DAVID And them. Although I don’t think I could give them out now.
WATSON That’s just the heroics talking, David. You could probably still give them, but you’d then rob a bank and give the proceeds to them or something.
DAVID Be right back!
David rushes offstage, drawing his sword. WATSON sits on a rock and settles down to wait. Strange noises drift in from offstage.
DAVID (offstage). Give me your ill-begotten gains, banker!
WATSON shakes his head as DAVID runs across the stage, carrying a sack over his back and NOT stepping in the rope circle. More strange noises
DAVID (offstage) And next time, try to pay the bank back on time, alright? No, there’s no need to repay me, it’s all in a days work for the Anti Taxman.
DAVID runs back onstage, stepping into rope circle
WATSON WATCH OUT!
WATSON runs into rope circle
WATSON Now look what you’ve wrought, David. Have you anything to say for yourself?
DAVID Poot. Poot poot poot.
WATSON THAT WORD IS NOT HEROIC! I doubt even a sidekick would use a word like poot. I mean, due to a freak medical condition you are a hero David! That Means More Than A Quest And Sword Brandishing Skill! You have a Duty to all the Heroically Minded Individuals watching this to act Nobly, Chivalrously and Justly at all times. DO YOU UNDERSTAND?
ARTHUR walks on, grinning broadly and evilly when he sees DAVID and WATSON in the trap.
ARTHUR I hear you, Watson. And your time is up!
WATSON I don’t know how you mean, ARTHUR.
ARTHUR I set this trap, knowing all too well the mentality of the Plot Furtherance cases, being one myself. Although I did think he’d read maps better, but no matter. He got here in the end. I knew you would follow this man, regardless of where he went. I know you’re an author searching for more realistic characters, and not a doctor at all. YOU are the reason I speak of Noble and Wondrous Sentiment with a specific emphasis. For this travesty, you must die. Have at you! Oh, I forgot, you are all tied up. So I’ll have to ‘have at you’ myself.
ARTHUR laughs evilly and advances on the two struggling adventurers. DAVID cuts the rope with his sword, and stands to face ARTHUR. WATSON pushes him aside.
WATSON No, my lad. This isn’t your fight.
WATSON draws sword, and defends against ARTHUR’S onslaught, but does not attack.
ARTHUR Admit it! You created this disease, didn’t you? And then you follow those infected-
WATSON (quietly) Only the heroes.
ARTHUR Spare me your moralising, author. You lie as you breathe. You told me I would become Britain’s greatest hero, and that has definitely not happened. You sir, in short are a Villain and A Dastard to boot! A Cad, a Blighter, a Scoundrel, a Dreadful Desperado! A…
WATSON avoids ARTHUR’S last desperate stroke. ARTHUR collapses into DAVID’S arms. DAVID catches him, and looks around quickly.
DAVID Is there a doctor in the house?
WATSON What am I, a Beggar?
DAVID But he said you were an author, and a Villain and A Dastard to boot! A Cad, a Blighter, a Scoundrel, a Dreadful Desperado! A…
WATSON A?
DAVID I dunno, He died before he could say.
WATSON I helped him reach that conclusion myself. It was his quest you see- to find a villain and insult him to death
DAVID But you aren’t dead!
WATSON Well I didn’t say whose death did I?
DAVID But that is the action of a… a… Villain and A Dastard to boot! A Cad, a Blighter, a Scoundrel, a Dreadful Desperado! A… Vile…
DAVID falls heroically, for preference not hitting ARTHUR. WATSON inspects watch
WATSON 11 minutes and 23 seconds. Poor lad, though that’s the best time so far, although I do wish they could get to the end of their insult before carking it. I’d better help another Plot Furtherance case then. ONWARDS!
WATSON draws sword, trots offstage, gets almost off and then collapses. He props himself to his elbows with effort and checks his watch
WATSON 14 days, 11 hrs, 59 minutes and 25 seconds, which makes me the longest living plot furtherance case in all of history. I am… a… a… Villain and A …Dastard to boot! A C…ad, a Blighter, a …Scoundrel, a Dr…eadful Desperado! A… Vile… anthropomorphic… I can’t go on…
WATSON falls completely to the ground then dies. Villager wonders in, sees DAVID dead and laughs at his death. He chokes on his laughter and falls to the ground.
VILLAGER ONWARDS!
VILLAGER steals DAVID’S sword and walks offstage brandishing it.
END