Striped

[The_Solipsist]

Filing away, the laws that say
What must be and what has never been.
Follow the ropes, trying hopes
In halls without an end.

Of pillared waves and sickened staves
The list takes another name.
The weight of the fall bears on us all
Was the earth or the sky to blame?

Smiled and teared, knowed no fear
Laughed at the paper and sand.
Striped, is the word, I’ll have heard
When we won’t have to fall again.

Striped, and we won’t get to fall again.



Critique. I wrote it about one of my best friends I just lost.

[timbot]

I don't get it. Therefore, I don't like it.

[Urser]

Yeah, what does it mean?

[Cakelord]

The weight of the fall and references to ropes suggest something rather grim to me, that I won't point out directly. I think you've done a good job of this.

[Assassin]

It's about prison

[The_Solipsist]

There's a few different levels I wanted to get across.


The first was the feeling of a prison and suicide, to represent what happened in the relationship. The friendship ended up feeling too much like it was totally conditional, and it just destroyed itself from the inside due to neither of us ever working it out.

The second was the concept of falling from heaven. We were really good friends and our relationship was pure, we could talk about anything and were always there, sort of confidants to each other.

The third was a personal one, which I don't think anyone would get except her. Its called striped because she always used to have those soft mints.

Also, there's some sense of growing up, if you take the ropes and the halls that way, as well and the paper and sand.

It just depends where you go with it, I need to work on some points, mainly the last stanza, as I left it too vague.

[CnGy]

I liked this a lot. My only qualms is I can't help but think of Robert frost when you repeat the lines.

[Godly]

The only part I didn't like was the line "Was the earth or the sky to blame?" It's too widely used and doesn't put much originality. Even switching it up a little but would make it better.
"Was the earth to blame the sky?" Anything really. Otherwise it's good.

[The_Solipsist]

Thanks for the input.