Worst / best jokes you've heard.

[Jeftris]

These can range from pick up lines, to jokes about political cats. Try you're best Explosm, I might give some sort of prize for the best or worst joke told.

Please no racist jokes, don't want anyone getting banned on this thread.

[bunglejunny]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?


The Holocaust

[SourChicken]

*watermelon gets smashed*

That one gets me every time.

[Dartful_Dawger]

A man walks into a bar

His alcoholism is tearing his family apart

[CuntMuppet]

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He'd decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no family, his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back, now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake. So,
he puts on some sun block, puts the rest in his pocket for reapplication
later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV with him to give
him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into his water bottle
in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads out in the
direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty. He's
been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water and some ethanol and coloring, but he also knows that they add some kind of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the poison is, and
whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10 hours. That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs.

As it gets dim enough that he starts stumbling over small rocks and things,
he finds a spot and sits down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He so thirsty that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes - three minutes without air, three days without water, three weeks without food - then you die. Some people can make it a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures, unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just in
his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still doesn't
find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first, and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He takes
another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it. Probably birds, lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, though they usually move more at night. He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or if
he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the town.

He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again? It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling through
the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he imagines, if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the desert
in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted without any
rips so far. Somebody will probably find his dessicated corpse half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead, and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand, and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the wiper
fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is removing the
cap, when he glances to the side and sees something. Something in the sand. At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark - darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still can tell from
here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps, he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem to
have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final stages
of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand doesn't
have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his last
chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And lifting
his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying. He just
keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it - a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the center,
where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark stone
area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving him
a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
center before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, "Greetings, traveler. You do
not look well. Do you hear me?"

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his hands
and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and waves
it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for a
moment, then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet -
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the center here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, "Hello," but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and the
bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This isn't
good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he passes
out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can talk
now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, "Hello? Is there anyone here?"

He hears, from his side, "Greetings. What is it that you want?"

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had seemed
to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be a
speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He decides
to try asking for help.

"Please," he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, "I'd love to not be
thirsty any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?"

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, "Very well. Coming up."

A piercing pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits
up and grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across the
sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still wrapped
around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes -
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had been
bitten. By the snake.

"It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

"Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the
afterlife?"

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you," says the snake. "That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine."

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not be
thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except for
the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?"

"No," says the snake, "I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do. I
bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here."

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better. Not
great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was no
longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He felt
hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and the cool
stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no longer
dying of thirst.

"I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request," continued the snake. "I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was left
in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a day or
two, if you drank enough of it."

"Ummm, n-next request?" said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

"That's the way it works. If you like, that is," explained the snake. "You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at his
own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of fangs.

"But there are rules," the snake continued. "The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

"By the way," the snake says suddenly, "my name is Nathan. Old Nathan,
Samuel used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound
used to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand
for it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. "Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake give his rattle a little shake.

"Umm, my name is Jack," said the man, trying to absorb all of this. "Jack
Samson.

"Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. "What happened to the
poison...umm, in your bite. Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?"

"That's more than one question," grins Nate. "But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. "Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to not
be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided to make
it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to drink much at
all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You should be able to
get enough just from the food you eat - much like a creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

"For the third question," Nate continues, "you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humor, and continued his wide grin.

"As for the fourth question," Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, "first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you."

"Wait," joked Jack, "isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?"

"I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

"Ummm...yeah." Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. "So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol?" Jack thought for a second. "And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?"

"They may, I don't really know," said Nate. "I haven't gotten out in a
while. Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and
on that bottle in your pocket. And the blue color of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still color wiper fluid blue?"

"Yeah, they do," said Jack.

"I figured," replied Nate. "As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfillment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about me,
this place, or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you
decide to go back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me,
write about me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will
lead someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice." Nate said the last part with utter confidence.

Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his word, felt a
little nervous at this. "Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know
that? Are you, umm, omniscient, or something?"

Well, Jack," said Nate sadly, "I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request." Nate looked away for a minute, then looked back.

"Umm, well, ok," said Jack, "what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?"

"Sure!" said Nate, brightening. "You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes
to yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and
before you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or
omnipresence, for that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous
and yet remain alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and
sort of be omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not very
useful, at least in my opinion." Nate stopped when he realized that Jack was
staring at him.

"Well, anyway," continued Nate, "I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me."

"Cure the methanol poisoning, huh?" said Jack. "And keep me healthy for a
long time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request
about a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not
really a change to me?"

"Right," nodded Nate.

"Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy?" Jack asked, hopefully.

"That takes two requests, Jack."

"Yeah, I figured so," said Jack. "But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?"

"Well, I could make you very smart," admitted Nate, "but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard. It
all depends on what you decide to do with it."

"Hmmm," said Jack. "Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request,
after this one?"

"Maybe," said Nate, "it depends on what you decide then. There are more
rules for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes." Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

"Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, then consider that my second request. Officially.
Do I need to sign in blood or something?"

"No," said Nate. "Just hold out your hand. Or heel." Nate grinned. "Or
whatever part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said,
that's how it works - the poison, you know," Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey, it
didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel better
about the biting business. But still, standing still while a fifteen foot
snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how good it felt to
be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at his stomach, Jack
tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite knowing that it
wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going to be easy.

"Hey, Jack," Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him, "is that someone else coming up over there?"

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favoring his more tender buttock. "I would have
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have to
hoodwink me like that."

"I've been doing this a long time, Jack," said Nate, confidently. "You
humans have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -
especially one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of
minutes and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now."

"Yeah, well, still," said Jack, "it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?"

"More meat in the typical human butt," replied Nate. "And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second."

"Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear," answered Jack.

"Ok," said Nate. "Do you want to ask questions first, or do you want me to
just start talking?"

"Just talk," said Jack. "I'll sit here and try to not think about food."

"We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like,"
answered Nate.

"Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate!" Jack jumped up.
"What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers?" Jack was almost shouting with
excitement. His stomach had been growling for hours.

"I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is," replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used to.

"Ugh," said Jack, sitting back down. "I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else it
is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it raw.
No thanks. Just talk."

"Ok," replied Nate, still grinning. "But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
"You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden."

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

"Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack," said Nate. "Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here." Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped around
was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main branches
left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well done - it
looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two dimensions and
embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. "In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate," said
Jack. "Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to
have to head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw
desert critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to."

"It's about 30 miles that way." Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles to
the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. "But that's 30 miles by
the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You should be
able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance, if you head
out early tomorrow, Jack."

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about heading
out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the interesting
stuff. "Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?"

"Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway," said Nate. "He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while."

"Garden of Eden, hunh?" said Jack. "How long have you been here, Nate?"

"No idea, really," replied Nate. "A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But I
do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been thousands
of years, at least."

"So, are you the snake that tempted Eve?" said Jack.

"Beats me," said Nate. "Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your
kind that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it
could have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals."

"Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there?" asked Jack.

"Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't remember
if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he wanted. But
one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and asked me to do
something for him. I talked it over with him for a while, then agreed. I've
been here ever since.

"What is this place?" said Jack. "And what did he ask you to do?"

"Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone?" Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

"You can't touch that yet, Jack," said Nate.

"Why not?" asked Jack.

"I haven't explained it to you yet," replied Nate.

"Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something," said Jack. "You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot."

"Yep, that's what it is," replied Nate.

"What does it do?" asked Jack. "End the world?"

"Oh, no," said Nate. "Nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'." For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. "Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?"

"Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said," smirked Nate. "I just thought
the voice I used was funny, didn't you?"

Nate continued to grin.

"A lever to end humanity?" asked Jack. "What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?"

"Well," replied Nate, "I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad, there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are
the rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I
didn't think to ask back when I started here."

"Rules? What rules?" asked Jack.

"The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one human
can be bound in that way at a time. That's it." explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. "You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "if you want to." Nate looked at Jack carefully. "Do
you want to, Jack?"

"Umm, no." said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. "Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?"

"Yep," replied Nate, "being as he'd be human too."

"Has anyone ever seriously considered it?" asked Nate. "Any of those bound
to secrecy, that is?"

"Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here." Nate grinned some more.

Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled at
the same time. After a bit, he said, "So this makes me the Judge of
humanity? I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?"

"That seems to be it," agreed Nate.

"What kind of criteria do I use to decide?" said Jack. "How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?"

"Nope," replied Nate. "You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you, however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just supposed
to know."

"But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible? Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up?"
protested Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. "You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack."

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail.

Suddenly, Jack turned around and looked at the snake. "Nate, was Samuel the
one bound to this before me?"

"Yep," replied Nate. "He was a good guy. Talked to me a lot. Taught me to
read and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried
in the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago."

"Sounds like a good guy," agreed Jack. "How did he handle this, when you
first told him. What did he do?"

"Well," said Nate, "he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing."

"What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me?" asked Jack.

"He asked me about the third request," replied Nate.

"Aha!" It was Jack's turn to grin. "And what did you tell him?"

"I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out." Nate looked serious
again. "And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack."

"Hmmm." Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

"Nate," continued Jack, quietly, eventually. "What did Samuel ask for with
his third request?"

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
"Wisdom, Jack. He asked for wisdom. As much as I could give him."

"Ok," said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate, "give it
to me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. "Give you what, Jack?"

"Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him, maybe it'll help me too." Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. "It did help him, right?"

"He said it did," replied Nate. "But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about."

"Well, yeah, I can see that," said Jack. "So, give it to me." Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both.

"You remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like
it needs it, right Jack?" asked Nate, shifting position.

"Yeah, yeah, I got that," replied Jack, eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

"And," continued Nate, from his new position, "do you remember that you'll
turn bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?"

"Yeah, yeah...Hey, wait a minute!" said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. "Purple?!" He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot
in the rock without the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's "Just Kidding!" right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while he
thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

"Nate, do accidents count?"

Nate lifted his head a little bit. "What do you mean, Jack?"

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. "You know,
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?"

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly," said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - "Does it have to be me that pulls the lever?" asked Jack.

"That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it," answered Nate.

"No," Jack shook his head, "I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?"

"Yes, those should work," replied Nate. "Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone by
the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him that
in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so they
wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared."

"Wow," said Jack, "Cool." Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him
off of the stone and looked up into the sky.

"Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?" asked Jack.

"Yes," replied Nate, "it was. He lived 167 years, Jack."

"Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?"

"He died of getting tired of living, Jack," Nate said, sounding somewhat
sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. "Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society. He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start
questioning it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He
faked his death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and
he could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway.

"His daughter and then his wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't
stay in society much longer after that. He eventually came out here to spend
time talking to me and thinking about pulling the lever. A few months ago he
told me he'd had enough. It was his time."

"And then he just died?" asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. "He made his forth request, Jack. There's only
one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, "He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they always
had.

After another pause, Nate finished, "Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise."

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the long
walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he made
it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back without
incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of Nate's
lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning to
avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Saturday, Jack headed back to see
Nate.

Jack parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his new
backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and then
started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail, and he
knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't unheard of,
and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he brought
a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar recharger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom he
'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and started
traveling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on this
visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting Nate's
silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. "Jack, I have someone to introduce you to."

Jack looked surprised. "Someone to introduce me to?" Jack looked around, and then looked carefully back at Nate. "This something to do with the Big Guy?

"No, no," replied Nate. "This is more personal. I want you to meet my son."
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. "Sammy!"

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

"Yo, Jack," said the new, much smaller snake.

"Yo, Sammy" replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. "Named after Samuel, I
assume?"

Nate nodded. "Jack, I've got a favor to ask you. Could you show Sammy around
for me?" Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to the
edge of the stone and looked across the sands. "When Samuel first told me
about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the cities, even the
other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same. I want my son to
have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes bound here like I have been.

"He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?"

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. "Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need?" Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
"Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya!" Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. "Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate." Nate grinned to himself. "But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over. I
needed a replacement."

Jack considered this for a minute. "So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?"

Nate shook his head. "No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to leave
here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die."

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about
this - probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would
be like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, "What do you want me to do?"

Nate nodded. "Thanks, Jack. I only want two things. One - show Sammy around
the world - let him get his fill of it, until he's ready to come back here
and take over. Two - give me the fourth request.

"I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

"I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days, so
that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. "I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the ground
or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honored way of
going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should work,
even on me.

"You willing to do that for me, Jack?" Nate turned back to look at Jack.

"Yeah, Nate," replied Jack solemnly, "I think I can handle that."

Nate nodded. "Good!" He turned back toward the dune and shouted, "Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave!" Then quietly, "Thanks, Jack."

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following.
Over the next several years Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through
e-mail as they went about their adventures. They made a goal of visiting
every country in the world, and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a
natural gift for languages, as Jack expected he would, and even ended up
acting as a translator for Jack in a few of the countries. Jack managed to
keep the talking rattlesnake hidden, even so, and by the time they were
nearing the end of their tour of countries, Sammy had only been spotted a
few times. While there were several people that had seen enough to startle
them greatly, nobody had enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few
wild rumors and storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the
newspapers or the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate told Sammy that humans
could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time to
head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel like
walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten to
figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd either
have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed out
into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and headed
up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that he'd
decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailling and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down the
other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up and
laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The RV
started slipping down the other side.

Jack tried turning the wheel, but he didn't have enough traction. He pumped
the brakes - no response. They started sliding down the hill, faster and
faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around the
lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before he hit
the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to steer
away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check that
they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed something
else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't wrapped
around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still on the
stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the same side of
the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the lever. The RV
was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad rush across the
sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able to go around the
lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, "BETTER NATE THAN LEVER," he ran over the snake.

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dr.
Dr Who?...Oh I get it very funny!
No it's Doctor Jones I have your test results, it's AIDS.

[troydtroy]

Knock knock!
Whos there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I dident say banana!

Worst. Joke. Ever.

[cerysssx]

What is the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30





(tooth hurty)!


I'm a sucker for lame jokes, they crack me up everytime. XD

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

Knock knock!
Whos there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I dident say banana!

Worst. Joke. Ever.
It is the worst joke ever if you don't say it right, correctly it is;
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Uncle.
Uncle who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Uncle.
Uncle who?Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Uncle.
Uncle who?Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad I didn't say uncle!

Actually you're right that is shit. And most people walk away/punch you in the balls after the first 2 knock knock's.

[RaygunShaun]

In school they told me "Practice makes perfect."

And then they told me "Nobody's perfect."

So I stopped practicing.

[Sweepy]

It is the worst joke ever if you don't say it right, correctly it is;
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Uncle.
Uncle who?
Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Uncle.
Uncle who?Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Uncle.
Uncle who?Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Aunt.
Aunt who?
Aunt you glad I didn't say uncle!

Actually you're right that is shit. And most people walk away/punch you in the balls after the first 2 knock knock's.
It works better with the orange version. Depending on how someone talks, "aunt" could be pronounced "ant", and that makes the last line LAME(er).

[BKS]

What do you call a man with no limbs floating in the ocean?


Bob.


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Dr.
Dr Who?...Oh I get it very funny!
No it's Doctor Jones I have your test results, it's AIDS.

Why is Indiana Jones delivering test results?

[Casalen]

An intellectual was on a sea voyage when a big storm blew up, causing his slaves to weep in terror. ‘Don’t cry,’ he consoled them, ‘I have freed you all in my will!'

That's right, I went 4th century on this bitch.

[MopHead]

What do frogs do with paper?

Rippit :lol:

[RaygunShaun]

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”


Also, what do you call a fat person eating cake?

Fatty tatties. Fat fucking fatty. Fatass fat person.

[Jeftris]

Holy shit, I just real all of Cuntmuppets post. Not a bad joke, more of a story though...

[White_Ninja]

How did Helen Keller burn herself?

She tried to read the waffle iron.

I loves me some Helen Keller!

[Me,Myself And I]

why did the chicken/anything cross the road

To get to the other side/something that is un-funny

worst type of joke in my opinion

[troydtroy]

why did the chicken/anything cross the road

To get to the other side/something that is un-funny

worst type of joke in my opinion

I belive the joke goes:

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To fuck the turkey on the other side


See? Now its somewhat better.

[Fluzz]

How did Helen Keller burn herself?

She tried to read the waffle iron.

I loves me some Helen Keller!

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

[Frobes]

I was gonna post the super long joke but cuntmuppet beat me to it.

What happened to the boy in the car accident?

He died cause there is no God

[SlantedSkarekrow]

why did the guy fall off his bike?


Some body threw a refrigerator at him


why didn't the kid have any friends?

because he was in a wheelchair


what did the hobo get for Christmas?

nothing

[Scrotemeal]

What's white and fell out of a tree?
A fridge.


It's funny dammit.
Also screw you cuntmuppet.

[Gina--]

Did you hear about that movie, "Constipation"?




It never came out.

[hollywood_maggot]

Why did the koala fall out of the tree?

Because it was dead

Why did the second koala fall out of the tree?

Because someone threw a fridge at it

Why did the third koala fall out of the tree?

Peer pressure

Why did the kangaroo die?

It got hit by three koala's and a fridge

[ConwellDM]

What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes?
Blue! one blew this way, and one blew that way!
(Best/Worst depending on you opinion of Kurt Cobain)

[ConwellDM]

Also...
Why did the pervert cross the road?
Because his dick was in the chicken.

[The Muffin Man]

A great one was in catholic class and the teacher was explaining why the jews were the holy people or some shit and god was with them, and someone asked what that meant and she said that they would defeat all of their enemies, I mumbled "except for palestine." A couple of friends laughed the teacher scowled and the rest of the class went "what?"

Here's a FANTASTIC JOKE

So a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender gives him drink and asks for some cash, the man says he doesn't have any but if he can amaze the bartender can he have it for free? The bartender agrees. So the man says I bet I can lick my eye, is that amazing enough? The bartender says sure and the man pops out a fake eye and licks it and puts it back in. The bartender laughs and walks away.

A little later the man orders another drink, so the bartender asks if he will see another miracle. The man says he can reach over his shoulder and pat himself on the butt. The bartender agrees. The man dislocates his shoulder and pats himself on the butt. The bartender serves his drink with a sigh, pissed that he just lost 2 drinks for free.

The man walks away and sits with a group of girls. A little while later he comes up to the bar, the bartender tells him that he doesnt want to lose anymore money. The man asks him that if he can piss in a jar across the bar and make every last drop in if the bartender will give him and the ladies a round of beers. The bartender, sure that this is impossible and dying for a win, agrees. So the man jumps up on the table and begins pissing all over the bar. The bartender begins yelling YES! YES! YES! happy to win. Then the man starts laughing. The bartender, confused, asks the man why is laughing, he lost.

The man replies that he just bet the women at the table 500$ that the bartender would jump up and down with glee if he pissed all over his bar.

[sprene]

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

To get to the same side!

[Knight of Cydonia]

Why did Hitler Cross the road?

To get to the genocide

[Alcoholic]

Why is Indiana Jones delivering test results?

I'm still waiting for this punch-line.

Why did Princess Diana cross the road?

She wasn't wearing her seatblet

[White_Ninja]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?

Because she was a woman.

I seriously laughed for a good 30 seconds. Thanks for that! XD



How many ADHD kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
- .............Wanna ride bikes?

[Spartan201]

George Bush's presidency.


Too soon/too late?

[Laurence]

Anything Dane Cook has ever said ever.

[Tweek]

For worst jokes?

[opn4bzns]

New Zealand

[Laurence]

For worst jokes?

Oh god, yes. Nothing that guy ever has done or will do will ever be anything other than the worst.

[allizdog]

They say that before Farrah Fawcett died, she wished all the children of the world live safely and happily, so God killed Michael Jackson; but since deaths come three at a time, you can always count on Billy Mays to throw in a free one.

:<

[Heksen]

So a Dutch guy, a Belgian guy and a German guy are in a bar. The Belgian dude wants to start a joke and says "2 idiots are walking a the desert...". But the Dutch guy stops the Belgian dude and says "But which desert?". The Belgian dude says "I don't know!" and he starts to cry. The German also starts to cry, together with the Belgian. All of the sudden, the fire alarm starts to ring and the bartender shouts "Fire! Fire! Everybody go outside!".
Luckily it was fake alarm. Soon after that, the Belgian, Dutchman and German went home. They all arrived very quickly at their house and families because the bar was located at Gemmenich, near the tripoint.

[Tweek]

That's hilarious.

[Laurence]

Best joke: found.

[MusicalIdiot]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen; one to screw in the light bulb, and fifteen to form a support group.

[Shrimps]

Three blind mice walk into a bar, but are unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humour from their situation would be exploitative.

Man - Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!
Waiter - Oh, I'm terribly sorry sir, I’ll replace this with a fresh bowl of soup and I’ll have a word with the manager to see if we can deduct a sum from your bills for the inconvenience we have caused you.

[Ocellatus]

How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Fish.

What do you call a woman with two brain cells?
Pregnant again, that whore.

Variations on The Aristocrats are pretty lame, I guess.

A talent agent is sitting at his office when a family walks in. “No, not another family act,” he says. The father replies, “But this one is special, just watch, okay?” The talent agent mumbles, “Sigh… okay. Go ahead.”
The father pulls out a guitar and the mother draws a flute. They begin playing a lovely little ditty that is seemingly a tribute to old fashioned ragtime. A couple minutes into the song two daughters swing into the scene from a trapeze. A little boy later comes in juggling three flaming bowling pins. The act is spectacular. The song changes into a fast rock and roll tune and the mother exchanges her flute for a drum set. The talent agent is very impressed. Suddenly one of the daughters does a triple flip in the air while the little boy throws her a bowling pin. She catches it! At this point the talent agent is standing while cheering them on. The mother and father smile at their children. They are obviously very proud of them. The other daughter is about to jump into a double front flip when her foot slips and she comes crashing just inches away from the father. Her lifeless body is lying on the ground in a bloody mess. The mother screams. This scream startles the boy and he drops his pins casting him in a deadly flame. The mother faints at the smell of her son's burning flesh and her body falls from the stage. A crack! is heard from the impact. The father at this point is sobbing uncontrolably while the older daughter is in a complete state of shock.
“Holy cocks! What the hell are we gonna do?!” yells the talent agent.
The father replies, “We’re the Aristocrats!”



The talent agent is sitting at his desk when his secretary opens the door. "Your 11:00 is here" She says.
The Talent agent asks her to show them in, and is shocked to see a wretched family of four come in, trailing a mangy dog.
“I’m sorry,” he says hastily, “but we don't do family acts.”
“But, sir,” says the father, coughing phlegmatically, “We just need a few moments…” as his daughter, wearing a grubby, torn pink tutu, comes forward with a little tape player.
The talent agent looks at his watch, then at the pitiful sight in front of him. “You know what?” he says, “I just remembered I have a lunch meeting.” He begins to walk out, shouldering his way past the wife and son, who already are beginning to weep silently. “I’ll have to cancel this appointment. Call us back tomorrow.”
The Agent rushes to the elevator, escapes his building, and hurries down to the local bistro, where he gets his usual seat facing the window. He orders a whiskey sour and a porterhouse—rare. The waitress brings by a basket of buns, and as the agent is buttering one, the family from his office shuffles by the window, then stops. The agent is terrified, paused, bun-in-hand, but they don’t look in, instead they cross the street to a dark alley, where he sees them gather before a pile of cardboard boxes. He can see the mother say something to the father, who then falls to his knees, puts his head in his hands, and begins to sob uncontrollably.
Luckily, a delivery truck parks in front of the restaurant, blocking his view of the awful scene. Just then, the agent’s wife calls him and offers to meet him for lunch. He orders the halibut for her, and she arrives just as the entrees are brought out. They have wonderful conversation and decide to catch a cab back to their apartment to make love before they have to be back at work.
As they’re laying in bed in post-coital glow, the agent's wife turns to him, ever so slightly breathless and says "Wow, that thing that you did just now, with the… wow… that was one hell of an act. What do you call it?” The agent turns to her and says, “The Aristocrats.”



A man walks into a talent agents office with a dark black, beaten leather satchel, and an oily mustache, which he twists nervously between two fingers.
Approaching the talent agent, he says in a tremulous, weasely voice, “Have I got a show for you! It involves me and my family, who are waiting just outside your door. It's guaranteed to make you rich! What do you say, would you like to see it?”
The talent agent is delighted at the proposal and, with an “Of course, my good man!”, he steps out from behind his desk and walks towards the hallway. He feels a sudden, sharp blow on the back of his head, and immediately loses consciousness.
He awakens, blinking furiously, in a forest clearing. It's twilight, and he's both warm and damp, as he's been placed on the ground. He doesn't recognize the area at all. He tries to move, but his arms and legs are tied tightly by coarse rope, and he tastes blood in his mouth.
Arranged like spokes in a wheel, the badly decomposed body of a woman in a floral print dress is placed touching the heads of three little girls, a young boy, and a dog so badly rotted that the talent agent can partially see the Golden Retriever's rib-cage.
The man with the leather satchel is squatted a few yards away, grinning at the talent agent and licking the sharp edge of a knife, and he is dressed like an old Vaudevillian in an antiquated suit. The talent agent sees with alarm that his face is powdered white, and he is wearing a human nose, painted red, atop his real one.
“Holy sweet Jesus on a stake!” screams the talent agent, struggling vainly against the ropes restraining him. “Who are you?!”
“We,” says the man, as he walks over to the talent agent and begins tugging off his shoes, “are the Aristocrats!”



A nervous looking Bob Saget (http://uncyclopedia.wikia.com/wiki/Bob_Saget) walks into a talent agent’s office in a rumpled shirt and sporting three days’ growth of beard. The agent eyes him with distaste, but agrees after some grumbling to hear him out.
He then proceeds to pitch a Family Act to the agent. Saget’s role is as a sports broadcaster, who later becomes a morning talk show host, named Danny Tanner. His wife has been killed by a drunk driver, so he needs help raising his three little girls, D.J. (Donna Jo), Stephanie, and Michelle Tanner. (In a twist, the youngest daughter is actually played by a set of twins who will later develop very public and disgusting eating disorders.) Danny needs some help raising his girls, so he asks his rock musician brother-in-law, Jesse Katsopolis, and his comedian best friend, Joey Gladstone, to move in with them. Many lessons are learned, and each half-hour segment of the show is usually directed toward some overarching moral lesson about growing up in the late 1980s.
The jaded, bitter talent agent wipes a single tear from his withered cheek. “What on Earth do you call that touching, magical act?”
Bob Saget shakes his head wearily. “Full Hou—I mean, the Aristocrats.”



A talent is enticed to see an “Amazing New Act” promised by a talent scout, but is chagrined to find that the group that shows up is a family of four plus dog.
“I'm sorry,” he says, “but we don't take family acts.”
The father raises a hand and says, “Just give us five minutes… just five minutes.”
The agent tells the family to go away, and calls in the next act. He mutters to himself, “Who do they think they are? The Aristocrats?”



A man goes to a talent agent's office wearing a bowler hat. He says to the talent agent, "I got a family act for you!"
"Not another one of these family acts! Rejected!" says the talent agent.
"The Aristocrats!" shouts the man.


Two Jews walk into a bar. One says to the other: "The Aristocrats!"

[CookiesForBreakfast]

Why couldn't Helen Keller drive?
Because she was a woman.
This reminded me of the best joke I've heard in a while.
Woman's Rights

[BlackHood]

The Aristocrats is the worst humour related entity in the world.

[lollercaust]

What color were Kurt Cobain's eyes?
Blue! one blew this way, and one blew that way!
(Best/Worst depending on you opinion of Kurt Cobain)

What has more brains than Kurt Cobain?

The wall behind him.

[BlackHood]

What was the last thing on Dianna's mind before she died?


The dashboard!

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

What was the last thing on Dianna's mind before she died?


The dashboard!
What was the last thing on Dianna's mind before she died?

The drivers dick.

[BlackHood]

Don't you fucking dare laugh at my princess!

[TheFerret]

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby next to a kid with down syndrome

How many dead babies does it take to paint the side of a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them

Now for some good ol' fashioned racism

Why do medicine bottles have a cotton ball at the top?
To remind black people that they were cotton pickers before they were drug dealers

What do you call a white woman with a yeast infection?
A cracker with cheese

What do you call white people pushing a car?
White power

What do you call black people pushing a car?
Black power

What do you call Mexicans pushing a car?
Grand theft Auto

[RaygunShaun]

The Aristocrats jokes are only funny if told by experienced comedians and captured on film. Seriously, that movie was hilarious.

Also:

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question.
As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman
beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They
are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as
your breast, I know you'll forgive me."

She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 436."

[Metalhead636]

Two guys walk into a bar... ouch

Helen Keller went to town
Riding on a pony
Stuck a feather in his hat and called him mfgfghdjf

Why did Helen Keller's dog run away?
You would too if your name was mghfmdh

[RaygunShaun]

Also, will I get banned for semi-racist jokes?

Have you read any of the other posts in this thread?

[Savaril]

A young female potato came home one night and said "Mom I'm getting married" and her mom said "Really? To who? Idaho Red? Sweet Potato?". "Nope" said the girl potato, "I'm getting married to Bob Barker". "Bob Barker?! Her mother said, "You can't marry him, he's a commentator!"

[javaD]

A horse walks in to a bar.

Bartender: Say, why the long face?
Horse:my son has multiple Sclerosis...

The next joke made me laugh a little.

A drunk man approaches to a nun and starts beating the living shit out of her, after she's unconsious the drunk man looks at her and says: "You disappoint me batman..."

[hollywood_maggot]

What's funnier than a dead baby?
A dead baby next to a kid with down syndrome

How many dead babies does it take to paint the side of a house?
Depends on how hard you throw them


How do you stop a baby choking?

Take your dick out of its mouth

How do you stop a baby from crying?

Throw it in the blender. How do you get it out of the blender? NACHOS!

[allizdog]

A black man, a Mexican, and a Chinese fellow fell off a cliff, who hit the ground the first?
Who the fuck cares?

What's better than fucking a 5 year old?
Fucking a 4 year old

*This one I found on Yahoo answers:

Question
"When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback? He's sexist and I'm trying to be witty, any good comebacks?"

Answers
"Well you better comeback with a goddamn sandwich."

[TheTacticalBadger]

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
Sixteen; one to screw in the light bulb, and fifteen to form a support group.

How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
None. They can't change a fucking thing.

[bono]

Why did the three little pigs go wee wee wee all the way home?
Because the big bad wolf told them to piss off.

[RainbowKermit]

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gangrape

Where do you see crowds of white guys following a black guy?

Golf

[Dutchinlive]

5 Aboriginals in a Toyota Tarago lose control and skid into a ditch, the van bursts into flames, killing them all.. what's the tradgedy here?

The tarago holds 8

[JaydenB]

What's the best thing about Twenty four year olds?
There's twenty of them!

(Best told outloud):lol:

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

What's the best kind of fruit?

Gangrapes:lol:

[Laurence]

Studies have shown that one in ten people do not enjoy gang rape.

[Roisin]

Whats worse than 10 dead babies in 1 trashcan?

1 dead baby in 10 trashcans.

[morethan6inches]

What did that black guy say as he slid down the zebra?

Now you see me, now you don't, now you see me, now you don't

You have a donkey, I have a rooster. What do we have when your donkey eats my rooster's feet?

Two foot of my cock in your ass

[BlackHood]

What's funnier a Bad joke old well or a good joke told badly?

[Tweek]

A bad joke told well.
Delivery is everything.

[BlackHood]

A bad joke told well.
Delivery is everything.

And I always deliver! :gtfi:

[Jasepi]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it had a fridge tied to it.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it got hit by the first Koala.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game and wanted to join in.

Why did the plain crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.

Why couldn't the 12 year old pirates see the movie?
Because it was rated aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr!

I could quite easily go on for days....

[Adamski]

One morning Erich Honecker (President of East Berlin) wakes up and goes to his window and says 'Good morning Comrade Sun!' and the sun reples 'Good morning Comrade Honecker!'

At lunchtime Erich goes to the window and says 'Good afternoon Comrade Sun!' and the sun replies 'Good afternoon Comrade Honecker!'

At tea time Erich again goes to the window and says 'Good evening Comrade Sun!' ... but he gets no reply! He says again, 'I said good evening Comrade Sun!'. The sun shouts back 'Fuck you! I'm in the West now!'.

[laundryman]

A man walks into a bar and sees a jar of cash on the bar. He asks the bartender "What's with the jar of money?" to which the bartender replies "Well I'm having a little competition. You put 5 dollars in the jar and then you try to make my horse laugh. If he laughs, you get the jar of money. Interested?"

The man agrees and goes into the other room with the horse. A few seconds later, the horse is on it's side practically crying of laughter. The bartender, shocked, gives the jar of money to the man.

A week later, the man goes into the same bar and sees a new jar of money. He asks "What's with this jar?" The bartender says "Well, since you made my horse laugh, he hasn't stopped. If anyone can make him stop, they get the jar of money.

The man puts in $5 and goes into the room with the horse and a few seconds later, the horse is dead quiet. The bartender, shocked once again, says "Before I give you the jar..I'm curious. What did you do to make him laugh and to make him stop laughing??

The man says "Well the first time I told him that I had a bigger 'package' than he did and the second time I proved it."

[CharlieH]

Whats the difference between a black man and a park bench?

A park bench can support a family.

[Fluzz]

Whats the difference between a black man and a park bench?

A park bench can support a family.

Whats the difference between a packi and a bucket of shit?

The bucket.

[TheFerret]

A black man, a Mexican, and a Chinese fellow fell off a cliff, who hit the ground the first?
Who the fuck cares?

If a black guy, a mexican, and a chinese guy jump off of a cliff to see who can get to the bottom first, who wins?

Society

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

Why did the black person cover the white guy in cheese?

Because he was a cracker.

[Roisin]

Whats brown & rhymes with snoop??

Dr.Dre

^^^^^
Really bad one

[hollywood_maggot]

Why did the Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it had a fridge tied to it.

Why did the second Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it got hit by the first Koala.

Why did the third Koala fall out of the tree?
Because it thought it was a game and wanted to join in.


Thanks for repeating a shittier version of a joke I already told.

What do you call an Abo in a sleeping bag?

A kitkat!

What's long and black?

The line outside centrelink!

What do you call a leb on the moon?

A problem

What do you call every leb on the moon?

Problem solved

[kylebiddle]

WARNING: THIS JOKE IS EXTREMELY RACIST, SO HOVER AT YOUR OWN RISK:

2 Niggers and a Spic are riding in a car, who's driving?

The cop.

[Tweek]

What do you call someone who tells racist jokes?

An unfunny faggot.

[Tweek]

WARNING: THIS JOKE IS EXTREMELY RACIST, SO HOVER AT YOUR OWN RISK:

2 Niggers and a Spic are riding in a car, who's driving?

The cop.
That one is funny though :lol:

[Metalhead636]

kylebiddle's joke is unoriginal, I have heard it to many times.

[hollywood_maggot]

Every racist joke in this thread has been done to death in different forms.

[RaxoZellet]

Did you hear about the Dyslexic, Agnostic Insomniac?

He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

[Fluzz]

Did you hear about the Dyslexic, Agnostic Insomniac?

He laid awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

My uncle told me that one, had me in stitches.

Okay so there's 4 gay guys in a hot tub, they notice so cum rises to the top, then after an awkward silence one gay guy goes "Alright..who farted?"

[CharlieH]

How do you get a 100 etheopians in a phonebox?
Put a tin of beans in there.

How do you get them out again?
Run past with a can opener.

[Jallen]

How do you find the population of mexico?

Throw a quarter out into the street.

How do you find the richest person in Mexico?

Get the guy who found the quarter.

Why do black people all have white palms and the bottom of their feet?

Everyone's got a little good in them.

Why do black people all have white palms?

From the paint rubbing off a cop car.

How are black people and apples similar?

They both look good hanging from trees.

A Russian, American, and Mexican were sitting around a campfire drinking their favorite liquor. The Russian drinking Vodka, the Mexican drinking Tequila, and the American drinking Jack Daniels. After a while, the Russian takes his bottle of Vodka and throws it up into the air and shoots it with his pistol.

The other two cry, "Why did you do that?!"

The Russian replies, "No big deal. There is lots of Vodka in the Motherland, Comrade."

The Mexican, a little while later, takes his bottle of Tequila and throws it into the air and shoots it. The other two cry, "Why did you do that?"

He said, "We have a lot of tequila in Mexico."

A little while later, the American stands up, throws the Mexican into the air and shoots him. The Russian cries, "Why did you do that?!?"

He replied, "We have a lot of Mexicans in America."

[Tyler_Legrand]

The amount of jokes of this type here is staggering

[Fluzz]

How do you find the population of mexico?

Throw a quarter out into the street.

How do you find the richest person in Mexico?

Get the guy who found the quarter.

Why do black people all have white palms and the bottom of their feet?

Everyone's got a little good in them.

Why do black people all have white palms?

From the paint rubbing off a cop car.

How are black people and apples similar?

They both look good hanging from trees.

A Russian, American, and Mexican were sitting around a campfire drinking their favorite liquor. The Russian drinking Vodka, the Mexican drinking Tequila, and the American drinking Jack Daniels. After a while, the Russian takes his bottle of Vodka and throws it up into the air and shoots it with his pistol.

The other two cry, "Why did you do that?!"

The Russian replies, "No big deal. There is lots of Vodka in the Motherland, Comrade."

The Mexican, a little while later, takes his bottle of Tequila and throws it into the air and shoots it. The other two cry, "Why did you do that?"

He said, "We have a lot of tequila in Mexico."

A little while later, the American stands up, throws the Mexican into the air and shoots him. The Russian cries, "Why did you do that?!?"

He replied, "We have a lot of Mexicans in America."

I've heard something similar but with a packi and a plane.

[BlackHood]

What do you call a website full of unfunny jokes?

Explosm

[BreakTheWalls]

St. Anger

[White_Ninja]

The first joke in history:

What did Jesus say when they nailed him to the cross?

"Judas, I can see your house from here!"

[Mental]

Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up.

But then the wife stops and says, "I don' t feel like it. I just want you to hold me."

The husband says " WHAT???" The wife explains that he must not be in tune with her emotional needs as a woman.

The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it.

So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big dept. store. He walks around and had her try on three very expensive outfits. And then tells his wife, We 'll take all three of them. Then goes over and gets matching shoes worth $200 each.

And then goes to the jewelry Dept. and gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited (she thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care). She goes for the tennis bracelet.

The husband says "but you don 't even play tennis, but OK if you like it then lets get it.'

The wife is jumping up and down. So excited she cannot even believe what is going on. She says " I am ready to go, lets go to the cash register. "

The husband says, " no no no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff." The wife face goes blank.


" No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."

Her face gets really red she is about to explode and then the husband says " You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a MAN!"

[Weirdusername]

*This one I found on Yahoo answers:

Question
"When a guy says GO MAKE ME A SANDWICH, what's a good comeback? He's sexist and I'm trying to be witty, any good comebacks?"

Answers
"Well you better comeback with a goddamn sandwich."

http://photos-e.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-snc1/hs199.snc1/6732_110095185685_545440685_2773356_3029873_n.jpg

[zymn]

Where can you find funny jokes?

Somewhere else

[troydtroy]

St. Anger

Haha, yeah that was a HUGE joke. Biggest joke in the world even.:roffle:

[Grimsquire]

So a seal walks into a club... :D

[Grimsquire]

What is brown and sticky?

A stick!

[Ocellatus]

The Aristocrats is the worst humour related entity in the world.

It's the worst joke I've ever heard.

What has 8 legs and makes women scream?
Gang rape.

[BlackHood]

4 isn't a gang, its a small gathering.

[Tyler_Legrand]

Are the ninja turtles a gang?

[srose]

Mine is kind of a one liner...


Did you know that your birth certificate is actually an
apology from the condom factory...


Greatest knee slapper ever!!!

[Quadros]

There's this one about fucking an otter...

[SODA]

There's this one about fucking an otter...

Easily the best joke ever told.

[Jade]

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese

[Metalhead636]

What do you call cheese that's not yours?

Nacho cheese

:gtfo:


What do you call Mexican Basketball?
Juan on Juan

[Murphy]

An old man goes to the doctor asking for a Viagra prescription and the doctor sends him home with a jar and asks the old man to bring in a sperm sample. The next day the old man comes in with an empty jar.

"What happened?"

"Well it's a long story... First i tried with my right hand, nothing. So i tried with my left hand, the same. So i called my wife in and she tried with her strong arm, then she tried with her mouth: teeth in, then teeth out. But still nothing, so we called over our young neighbor. She tried with both hands and her mouth, still nothing. She called in her husband and he strained going at it for hours but still... we couldn't get that damn lid off the jar."

[BmphP]

How did the chicken cross the road?




to get to the other side!!!!

[TheFerret]

Whats the difference between jam and jelly?
I can't jelly my cock up your ass

[Quadros]

What's the difference between a babe and a baby?

Congratulations! You're a paedophile!

I made that one up myself. Suck it.

[KateDorraine]

How come theres no olympics in mexico?

Because all the ones that can run jump and swim are already in america.

[Frobes]

What do you get when you cross a cantaloupe and Lassie?

A melancholy baby!

Yeah thats all I got.

[bobwong]

Three guys walk into a bar....

After the first two hit it you'd think the third guy would have ducked.


A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

[Skittlzz]

A Man walks into a doctors office and says

"Doc my p-p-penis is about 10 inches l-long and it's c-c-causing me to have this t-t-terrible stu-stutter. Ca-can you help me?"

The Doctor says "Sure! We'll need to cut off about 3 inches for the problem to go away."

A week after the operation the man comes back to the doctor and says.

"Doctor it worked! My stutter is gone, but my wife isn't happy with my decision. She wants it back the old way. Is there anyway you can give me the length back that you took off?"

The doctor looks at him and says

"F-F-FUCK YOU"

[Alcoholic]

What do you call three Mexicans, a Chinese guy, and three black guys?

A sprinkler system: spic-spic-spic-CHINK; nigganigganigga.

[steelrat]

Get out of here, you greasy hobo.
- That's what your mom said when I banged her...
- Twenty six years ago

reunion*

[about88ninjas]

I have one:
Why did the dead baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken

Don't you just love the Dark tower series

[pika]

Worst joke i"ve ever heard?


quadros


EDIT: Tiger Woods proves golf isnt just for rich white people, its for all rich people.

[Mague92]

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down and takes a tiny piano and a 12 inch man that was with him starts playing it. The bartender says "Woah, where'd you get that?". The man replies"I have a genie. If you want he can grant you a wish." And so the bartender calls upon the genie and asks for a million bucks. The room fills with purple smoke and ducks are quacking loudly. As the smoke faded away everyone could see the bar was filled with ducks. The bartender says "I asked for a million bucks." The man says "Oh,sorry. I forgot to tell you my genie is hard of hearing. You seriously think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"

[Metalhead636]

Get out of here, you greasy hobo.
- That's what your mom said when I banged her...
- Twenty six years ago

reunion*

Do you read Cyanide and Happiness? :smug:

[Metalhead636]

Hi all, I am a new member of forum

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What were Kurt Cobain's last words?
Heads up!

[Seattle_Steven]

Once on a commercial radio station the two hosts Jackie and Kyle were going into their weekly "Lie Detector" segment, where they get two people to come in and one is hooked to a lie detector, and the other asks questions, the primary objective of said segment is to embarrass the person on the lie detector.

One week the two people featuring in the segment were a 14 year old girl and her mother, the mother was concerned for her daughter after she had started staying up late, smoking marijuana and the other week was brought home by two policemen at 2:30 AM. The mother wanted to know if her daughter was on any harder drugs or if she had started having sex.

So they introduced the segment, the girl was hooked up and the mother began her questioning. "Okay, have you had sex?" she asked.

...

"I've already told you the story of this," the girl replied back, all the while sobbing her heart out.
"I got raped when I was 12 years old"

...

After an excruciatingly awkward pause, the host Kyle interjected.
"Right... is that the only experience you've had?"


LOL.


http://img95.imageshack.us/img95/5373/rapeg.jpg

[BlackHood]

A Baby seal walks into a club. Lets make it into gloves!


A man walks into a bar. He is fed up with being a stereotype, so he sobs into his beer for half and hour then leaves.

[Murphy]

why did the pervert cross the road?

he couldn't get his dick out of the chicken

[Exodus]

What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?

A pilot you racist asshole.

[Jeftris]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!
Isn't really that funny, but y'know, it's on Robs profile, so it has to be funny.

[venomfool]

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!
Isn't really that funny, but y'know, it's on Robs profile, so it has to be funny.

you can make it longer too,

'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!
So throw me down and tie me up, and show me how much you like me!'

rather gay though ..

[LandMarkMoon]

Life is a waste of Time. Time is a waste of Life. Get wasted all the Time and have the Time of your Life. (Caps intended)

[timbot]

When did this change from jokes to just stupid shit idiot teenagers like to claim as a favorite quote.

[venomfool]

When did this change from jokes to just stupid shit idiot teenagers like to claim as a favorite quote.

Only the last three posts were quotes, and one of them was continuing the first. While the other quote was actually intended to be funny, fitting in as a joke.

Oh, and good job making yourself sound more mature than stupid shit idiot teenagers with your post, which, by the way, didn't stay on topic with the entire thread either.

What do you call a woman who works as hard as a man?
Lazy.

[timbot]

Umm...right, anyway.

What has four wheels and flies?

a garbage truck

[Heksen]

A (stupid) Dutch joke:

Wat is wit en explodeert?/What's white and explodes?

*Een boemkool (pronounced BOOM-caul in English)/A cauliflower

*A cauliflower is actually called a bloemkool in Dutch.

[Rawrfulness]

What do you do if you come across a gorilla in the forest?

Wipe his face and say "I'm sorry."

[Dubya]

Myself!

Hell yeah!

[PeeShaw]

How come theres no olympics in mexico?

Because all the ones that can run jump and swim are already in america.
Too bad the Olympics are hosted world wide regardless of who takes part.

[Church]

Too bad the Olympics are hosted world wide regardless of who takes part.

Oh shit, joke patrol is here. Jokes must be logical from now on guys!

[-Cactuar-]

Too bad the Olympics are hosted world wide regardless of who takes part.

This was funnier than the joke itself.

[timbot]

Too bad the Olympics are hosted world wide regardless of who takes part.

Also, the Olympics have been in Mexico.

I think the joke is supposed to be more along the lines of "Why doesn't Mexico ever win gold in the Olympics?"

Also, to host the Olympics, I think you have to be able to field a certain number of competitors. But that's just a random, could-be-fact.

I always liked this one:
You: Does your face hurt?
Ugly moron: No
You: Cause it's sure killing me. Har har har.

[Pitabread]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks why the pirate has a steering wheel in his pants. The pirate replies "I dont know, but its driving me nuts!"

[RaygunShaun]

A man and a dog are at a bar. The dog says "I'm driving", and the man barks in agreement.

:indiff:

[Seattle_Steven]

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender asks why the pirate has a steering wheel in his pants. The pirate replies "I dont know, but its driving my nuts!"

[BlackHood]

The fact that he's a pirate allows him to use the coloquial "me" to mean "my", thereby making the joke funny. He couldn't say "Driving my nuts" because that can only ever imply that the nuts are being driven. At least "Driving me nuts" has the required double entendre to make the joke plausible.

Next time don't be so hasty when doling out those bolded quotes young man or I'll have to go Quardos on your ass!

[Rawrfulness]

The fact that he's a pirate allows him to use the coloquial "me" to mean "my", thereby making the joke funny. He couldn't say "Driving my nuts" because that can only ever imply that the nuts are being driven. At least "Driving me nuts" has the required double entendre to make the joke plausible.

Next time don't be so hasty when doling out those bolded quotes young man or I'll have to go Quardos on your ass!

I'd like to add to this, you just got burned, mannn!

[BlackHood]

We have a winner for the worst joke in the world!

[Mistress_Dark]

you can make it longer too,

'Sticks and stones may break my bones, but chains and whips excite me!
So throw me down and tie me up, and show me how much you like me!'

rather gay though ..



hey i love this quote, lol i always thought it was true for me...hahahha wiat was that to much info?? -innocent face-

USER WAS PUT IN TIMEOUT FOR THIS POST. (http://forums.explosm.net/eventlog.php)
Reason: Lol is not a word.

[Rawrfulness]

We have a winner for the worst joke in the world!

I feel so honoured. :)

[Murphy]

hey i love this quote, lol i always thought it was true for me...hahahha wiat was that to much info?? -innocent face-

this is a joke thread, not a coming out stories thread

USER WAS PUT IN TIMEOUT FOR THIS POST. (http://forums.explosm.net/eventlog.php)
Reason: Trolling

[Skids]

(to Alex Trebek)

What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold? One's a sick duck, and...

I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

-Darryl Hammond

[Pachycephelosaurus]

Next time don't be so hasty when doling out those bolded quotes young man or I'll have to go Quadros on your ass!

[RaygunShaun]

We have a winner for the worst joke in the world!

Obviously you didn't read my joke.

A man and a dog are at a bar. The dog says "I'm driving", and the man barks in agreement.


It wasn't even a joke. Because it was such a piece of horrible shit.

[Mustache]

I'm not a fan of all these quotings going on. I want my generic jokes.

[Andrey]

A black man, a Chinese guy, and a Jewish guy walk into a bar. The bartender says, get the fuck out.



Funniest part of Gran Torino.

[Pitabread]

The fact that he's a pirate allows him to use the coloquial "me" to mean "my", thereby making the joke funny. He couldn't say "Driving my nuts" because that can only ever imply that the nuts are being driven. At least "Driving me nuts" has the required double entendre to make the joke plausible.

Next time don't be so hasty when doling out those bolded quotes young man or I'll have to go Quardos on your ass!

Thanks for the backup Blackhood.

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.

[BlackHood]

So a member of the explosive forums is a socially competent member of society ... :roffle:

[P0K3M0N_MA5T3R]

Whats brown and sticky?
A stick.
I love these kind, they're so bad that you have to giggle.

What's pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff
Yeah they all suck. I love childish jokes though, like "What's red and itchy?" "I don't know, what's red and itchy" "Vaginal thrush, ha, do you get it?" "Yeah I do!" "Ew, you get vaginal thrush."

[Quadros]

So a member of the explosive forums is a socially competent member of society ... :roffle:

I was going to visit those once but I thought that plan would blow up in my face.

Although that thing earlier where you had to use my name to back up your insult was pretty fucking hilarious. :roffle:

[Moist]

Here's a dirty one:

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang Rape.

[Revenance]

Here's a dirty one:

What do 9 out of 10 people enjoy?

Gang Rape.

Ox did that joke in the rape thread a while back. That joke is now the sole property of Ox.


On topic: Health care reform.

[RedDelicious]

They say that before Farrah Fawcett died, she wished all the children of the world live safely and happily, so God killed Michael Jackson

Whats the difference between Farrah Fawcett and Michael Jackson?

About 3 hours

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Why couldn't the chicken fly through the window?
It was closed.

[Ziggy St. Valentine]

Chickens can't fly you numbskull.

[Slutty McBangerton]

They get get off the ground a little bit can't they?

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Chickens can't fly you numbskull.
Therefore joke is even shitter.

[SquidWard]

Chickens can't fly you numbskull.

Yeah, they can but just not very far. I had one chicken that flew into a tree and another that flew up over our fence and pissed off somewhere.

Joke:

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered 'Yeah,
I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said
'One!'

The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day.

How much was the sale for?'

‘£124,237.64p.‘

The manager choked and exclaimed £124,237.64!! What the
fuck did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.’

‘Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.’

‘Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x4

The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me...a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no... he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's fucked, you might as well go fishing.'

[Ziggy St. Valentine]

They get get off the ground a little bit can't they?

Yeah but not far enough for his joke to make any sense at all ever.

[BlackHood]

I think this argument may be slightly pointless.

[Revenance]

A (stupid) Dutch joke:

What's white and explodes?

[SPOILER]

My dick.

[annarose]

Whats E.T. short for?



He's only got little legs!

I'm sorry, that was bad.

[Pachycephelosaurus]

Whats E.T. short for?



He's only got little legs!

I'm sorry, that was bad.

I actually chuckled at that one.

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Yeah but not far enough for his joke to make any sense at all ever.
I went through this before jack-hole. It's a shit joke, it doesn't have to make any sense at all, and it's a fucking window at most about 3ft above the floor. I'm pretty sure a chicken can jump and "fly" threw it.

[Pitabread]

Whats E.T. short for?



He's only got little legs!

I'm sorry, that was bad.

Haha I liked it, those types of jokes are my favorite.

[Ziggy St. Valentine]

I went through this before jack-hole. It's a shit joke, it doesn't have to make any sense at all, and it's a fucking window at most about 3ft above the floor. I'm pretty sure a chicken can jump and "fly" threw it.

Whoa calm down dude, I was being a smartarse.

[Metalhead636]

Whats E.T. short for?



He's only got little legs!

I'm sorry, that was bad.

Uh, I don't get it.

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Whoa calm down dude, I was being a smartarse.
Sorry shit day... and I needed someone to lose my shit at, and the internet is a pretty good place to do it.

But here's another: A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."

[The_Solipsist]

Uh, I don't get it.

Joke of the day, folks!

[getpigglywithit]

Uh, I don't get it.
E.T. is short, for having small legs. In other words, he is miniscule in size, for the length of his legs being shorter than average.

[Murphy]

A very bodacious brunette is walking down the street and is approached by an ugly looking high school kid who by the look of it is very privileged and has that cliche well-to-do attitude. He stops her.

He stops her and explains "sorry i never do this... but you're a very beautiful woman"

The woman scoffs and tries to walk away but he stops her once again.

"No you don't understand," he says, "if I drop 500 dollars on the ground, by the time you pick it up I will have my way with you from behind."

The woman is very confused and so she calls her roommate for advice. The roommate sees no trouble with it and says, very amused with herself, "You can probably pick up the wad of bills before he can even get his ugly pecker out of his pants!"

So the woman consents to the kid. They go through a back alley to do their business.

The brunette walks in to her roommate two hours later limping with her skirt wrinkled and her shirt torn half open.

"What the hell happened?!?"

"The fucker dropped quarters..."

[BlackHood]

How do you annoy lady gaga?

You poker face

[Mustache]

What do you call a shitty disease that doesn't do anything?

Can'tcer!


What a terrible joke.

[Blueblobb]

What do you get when you stick your dick in a loaf of bread?

A yeast erection.

Hroomph.

[Jah]

How many jews can you fit into a mini?

60; two in the front, two in the back and the rest in the ashtray.



What do you call a jew with a gas mask?

a party pooper.


What do you call two black guys in a sleeping bag?

Twix

[Jeftris]

I'm glad nobody's telling racist jokes here. :blanky:
But whatever, nobody seems to be getting in trouble for it, I think it was a stupid rule to enforce in the first place anyway.

[Mustache]

Jah didn't even have funny racist jokes..

[Jeftris]

Maybe it was supposed to be a worst joke ever heard.

[White_Ninja]

If women with big boobs work at Hooters, where do women with one leg work?

IHOP

[Jah]

Yup they are pretty crap.

[sspixie]

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?


The Holocaust



Are you retarded?

[sspixie]

For a thread about jokes, it doesn't have alot of jokes!

[Applesauce]

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said,
"How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

[Scott-14]

What does a gay guy and an oven have in common?



They both will turn your meat brown.

[Ted_not_the_bear]

I'm surprised this one hasn't come up yet.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Godly]

For a thread about jokes, it doesn't have alot of jokes!

You certainly helped with that problem.

[Fluzz]

I'm surprised this one hasn't come up yet.

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search
and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that
number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Pretty terrible. Probably why it hadn't already come up.

Why will you never go hungry in a sandwich shop?

Because there's sandwiches there.

[Scott-14]

A dad walks into his sons room and catches him jerkin' it and says, "hey you better stop doing that or else you'll go blind!"

the son says, "dad im over here"

[NightmareCinema]

Two peanuts were walking down a street.
One was assaulted.

[Heksen]

Two peanuts were walking down a street.
One was assaulted.

The correct version of that joke is:

Two peanuts were walking down a street.
One was assaulted... peanut.

[BlackHood]

Tracy Emin

[Skittlzz]

Where does a Captain keep his Army?

In his Sleevy

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Tracy Emin
What's even less funny than her?

BlackHood

[Ocellatus]

Your dick.

Not the biggest, or most satisfying joke out there, but it's at least quick.

[Legomasta]

I read this one a long time ago on some random web site that I can't recall and have remembered it perfectly since then:

A guy coming out of a train in a subway station gets the sudden urge to use the bathroom. He hurries off to find the men's bathroom, but is stricken with grief as he sees a lock on the handle along with a sign that says: "Out of order."

He then noticed that the women's bathroom was open and thought to himself: "Ah, what the hell - I've always wondered what the ladies room looked like anyway." So he goes in and discovers that the bathroom isn't that much different. But, after washing his hands - he noticed three machines attached to a wall.

Overwhelmed with curiosity, he comes up to the first one and reads: "AHW." Wondering what the letters stood for, he pushes the button and the machine washes, scrubs and dries his hands. "Oh, he thought, it's an Automatic Hand Washer." He pushes the button on the next machine which read "AFW.", and it thoroughly washed his face. "Wow, he said to himself, they even have an Automatic Face Washer."

As he pushes the button on the third machine, he finds himself waking up in a hospital bed feeling weak and a bit sore in his lower body. He notices a doctor holding a chart in front of him, muttering to himself: "No, no, no... this is not good at all." The guy asks him: "Doctor.... what happened? Why am I here?"

The doc replies: "Well, sir, it says here that you tried out the ATR machine in the women's bathroom - the Automatic Tampon Remover."

[Septem]

Why couldn't Hellen Keller run a marathon?
She had asthma.

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Who's the fastest man in Australia?
A Abo with a Macca's coupon

Who's the second fastest?
His brother chasing him with a shotgun

What was the largest marathon in Australia people wise?
all the other Abo's chasing both of them

[DragonDancer]

I think God stole all the thunder and put it in your thighs.

[Murphy]

Who's the fastest man in Australia?
A Abo with a Macca's coupon

Who's the second fastest?
His brother chasing him with a shotgun

What was the largest marathon in Australia people wise?
all the other Abo's chasing both of them

what is an Abo, and what is a Macca?

[Spartan201]

what is an Abo, and what is a Macca?
Aboriginal, McDonalds.

Uhh..do I need a joke here?

[Cyan]

What's the deal with all the Helen Keller jokes?

[WoeGuy]

I don't know, what?

[Cyan]

You tell me..

[Ted_not_the_bear]

Well I'm pretty sure that they are funny. That's why

[SourChicken]

God went to the Arabs and said, "I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better."
The Arabs asked, "What are Commandments?"
And the Lord said, "They are rules for living."
"Can you give us an example?"
"Thou shall not kill."
"Not kill? We're not interested."
So He went to the Blacks and said, "I have Commandments."
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
"Honor thy Father and Mother."
"Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested."
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, "I have Commandments."
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said
"Thou shall not steal."
"Not steal? We're not interested."
Then He went to the French and said, "I have Commandments."
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said,
"Thou shall not commit adultery."
"Not commit adultery? We're not interested."
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, "I have Commandments."
"Commandments?" They said,
"How much are they?"
"They're free."
"We'll take 10."

Heard it before
But funny

[Ted_not_the_bear]

When is the best time to eat reindeer meat?

When you're hungry!

[Ted_not_the_bear]

When is the best time to eat reindeer meat?

When you're hungry!

[Mr. Wink]

What's the difference between your mum and an apple?


Your mum's a slag.

[J3553rocks]

A man goes jogging and see's a woman with no limbs crying. He jog's over to her and ask's her why she is crying. So, the woman replies: "My birthday's in a couple of days, and I've never been hugged before!" So, the man pick's her up and hugs her. And she thank's him, and he jog's away. The next day, the man see's the woman crying again while jogging. So he jogged over to her and asked her why she is crying. So she replies: "My birthday's in a couple of day's and I've never been kissed before!" So the man pick's her up, and kisses her. And she thank's him, and he jogs away. The next day, the man see's the woman crying again, while jogging. So he jogged over to her and asked why she was crying. So she replied: "My birthday's in a couple of days, and I've never had sex before!" So the man pick's her up, take's her near a lake, and throw's her in. "Now your fucked!" he says.

[Ted_not_the_bear]

A man was having a bad day and happened to rear-end the vehicle in front of him. Out jumped a dwarf, with arms akimbo, who proclaimed, "I'm NOT happy!!" To which the man replied, "Well, which one are you, then?"

[Penis_Captivus]

Why did the black man die when he stuck his head out the window?

His lips bet him to death

[Jah]

Black man and a white man are standing just on the edge of this lake.

They make a bet to see who can guess the temperature only by using their cock.
So they both drop their pants stick their penis in and the black guy says, "it's 19ºC", the white guy then says "no i doubt it, i'm pretty sure it's 21ºC"
The black guy then says, "well whatever dude that's just 1ºC difference atleast i know the pond is 1.80M deep".

[Jah]

I heard this one yesterday, In a pretty drunk state and i thought it was funny.

What did the necrophiliac say to the peadophile.
You first!

[Ted_not_the_bear]

A man goes to the doctor's to get the results of some tests done earlier that week (his wife accompanies him). Before they sit down, the doctor asks the husband if he could speak to his wife alone for a moment - the husband agrees and leaves the room.

"Well, what is it?", she frantically asks.
"The diagnosis is not good!" the doctor replies sadly, "he will most likely die in 6 months - unless...".
"Yes?!? What?!? I'll do anything I can!".
"Well", said the doctor "for one, we need to bring his stress and blood pressure down - this would easily be accomplished if he didn't have to worry about any of the house or yard work. Try bringing his meals to him in bed or on the couch. Make sure he's constantly relaxed - periodic massages would help and be sure to make yourself available to him in the bedroom whenever he feels like it. With your help, your husband should recover fully by next year!"

Later on the drive home, the husband asks:
"So, what did the doctor say to you?"

"You're gonna die in 6 months!".

[Datlicht]

How do you kill a one legged fox?



Make him run across Canada

[BoneBreaker]

Q: Two potatoes are walking down the street. One of them is a prostitute. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?

A: It's the one stamped "Idaho."

[Penis_Captivus]

Why do women prefer older gynecologists?


Their hands shake more.

[Ocellatus]

As a sufferer of some sort of nerve disorder, or caffeine dependency or something, I take exception to the fact that my people were excluded from your vibro-gynaecologist joke.

[BlackHood]

I was gonna say something about alzheimer's but I forget what...

[timbot]

That joke reminds me of this time I went to California. Now that was in '38. I remember because at the time everyone liked to say "'38 ain't it great!" because it was a great year. We drove--me and Jim that is. You know Jim, right? He used to live down the street in that brown house. The one that's an insurance place now. Williams's insurance it is, that's David Williams, not Nat Williams. I was a friend of David Williams's dad when we were kids. Oh, he would get in so much trouble. We liked to go to the shows on Saturday afternoons. We would go in there in the summer to get in the cool air. Jacob, that's David's dad, would throw popcorn down from the balcony. He was always trying to get it down the pretty girls dresses. Of course, that was much harder back then because girls had a bit of modesty in those days. Do your parents know you're wearing that? My word, I would be ashamed to stand in front of my own mirror in something so immodest. . .

[madeinmd89]

Two tampons are walking down the street. Which one says hi first?

Neither. They're both stuck up bitches.

[bobbinter]

how many scones does it take to make a super scone?

Depends on how many are super

...

[Nemmukat]

how many scones does it take to make a super scone?

Depends on how many are super

...

:lol:

[SquidWard]

An elderly couple, Margaret and Bert, moved to Texas.
Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on sale, he bought them and wore them home. Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

'Notice anything different about me?'

Margaret looked him over. 'Nope.'

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, 'Notice anything different NOW?'

Margaret looked up and exclaimed, 'Bert, what's different? It's
hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging
down again tomorrow!'

Furious, Bert yelled, 'AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,
MARGARET?'

'Nope', she replied.

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'

Without changing her expression, Margaret replied, 'Shoulda bought a
hat, Bert. Shoulda bought a hat.'

[troydtroy]

Whats the differance between a mailbox and a cow?

Well, if you dont know the differance, I can't help you!

Good ol' fashioned humor.

[Tyler_Legrand]

'IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!'


I like this line better than the punchline

[BoneBreaker]

Yo' mama is so fat, she steps on a dollar and makes four quarters.

[BoneBreaker]

Why did the Jolly Green Giant get kicked out of the garden? Because he took a pea!

[Aether]

"I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note. Well thats a start."
- Steven Wright

[Momanmomananam]

Anyone who knows where these are from is awesome.

I was going to the clairvoyance meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events.

Did you know that the best contraceptive for old people is nudity?

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink?" To which the bartender responds, "For you, no charge."

[Benjaman]

Anyone who knows where these are from is awesome.

I was going to the clairvoyance meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events.

Did you know that the best contraceptive for old people is nudity?

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink?" To which the bartender responds, "For you, no charge."
Super Mario 64?

fallout 3, obvs

[Moonfreckle]

There was a man who woke up one morning with a red ring around his member. Astonished he panicked and hurried to the emergency room. The Doctor looked at it and gave the man some lotion to rub on it twice a day, if no results come back tomorrow. This went on for three days when a new nurse happened to be in the same ER. She asked if she could suggest something. The Dr. at his wit's end because he wasn't able to cure the problem, agreed to let the nurse try her hand.
The nurse gave the man a smelly lotion and said rub it very gently on his member before he when to bed. The man went home and followed her instructions.
The very next day came back happy as a lark! He found the nurse and Doctor and thanked them for all they're help.
As the man left, the Dr. turned to the nurse and asked what was the miracle lotion?
The nurse smiled and replied, "Lip stick remover.

[Fluzz]

Two tampons are walking down the street. Which one says hi first?

Neither. They're both stuck up bitches.

Worst adaption ever.

It's "what did one tampon say to the other?
"nothing, they're both stuck up cunts"

[Tweek]

I think I prefer bitches.

[Fluzz]

That's because you read that one first.

[captainkewl69]

So this guy is at a carnival,and he goes to go play a game its the game where you throw the base ball at the 3 milk bottles,and theres a cute girl working the booth. So he talks her up and then eventually says, Hey my pete lives near by and were having drinks you want to come? She says yes.
So they go to petes house and he eventually gets her into bed. So they roll around have sex and about a half an hour later there laying in bed and as he reflects back on his session of sex he asks her, How was it for you and she says
Ehh you can have anything from the bottom shelf.

[slaywithgardentools]

You know your girlfriends too young when you have to make the aeroplane noise to get your dick in her mouth.

[Turtle492]

I'm a bit of a sucker for dead baby jokes. Here's a few of my favourites, old and unorginal though they may be:

What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.

What's the difference between a truck full of dead babies and a truck full of bowling balls?
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitch fork.

How do you stop a baby from crawling in circles?
Nail its other foot to the floor.

[slaywithgardentools]

Dead baby jokes arent that funny.

[juancho4867]

What's ET short for?


He's only got little legs!

[Bobthedeceiver]

Anyone who knows where these are from is awesome.

I was going to the clairvoyance meeting, but it was canceled due to unforeseen events.

Did you know that the best contraceptive for old people is nudity?

It is common knowledge that irradiated cats have 18 half-lives.

Two cannibals are eating a clown, one turns to the other and says "does this taste funny to you?

Photons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

I once visited a crematorium that gave discounts to burn victims.

Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says to the other, "I think I've lost an electron." The other asks "Are you sure?" To which the first replies, "I'm positive."

A neutron walks into a bar. "How much for a drink?" To which the bartender responds, "For you, no charge."

Wadsworth in Fallout 3.
</awesome>

[Aztirith]

So I spent all last weekend building a spice rack, but in the end it all fell apart.
I guess I didn't put enough THYME into it.