View Full Version : An open letter to cats
Dartful_Dawger
08-11-2009, 12:17 PM
Dear members of the feline family,
Stop putting your butt in my face. It's uncalled for and unappreciated. I can be chilling in my bed, facebooking or explosming, and one of you guys will stroll in my bed chamber, apparently wanted to be petted. I oblige you and commence stroking your fur, and think "Cool. This cat likes to be petted, and I like petting it. This is a mutual, beneficial relationship we have going on." Then as I'm contemplating the intricacies of this fur/skin consociation, you stick your anus uncomfortably close to my face, as if saying "Hey man, thanks for petting me. Have you seen my asshole lately?" Yes, I have seen it, cat, and do not wish to see it again. Please refrain from placing your rectum anywhere near my head. I'm asking politely. Thank you.
Sincerely,
Dartful Dawger
PS: "Felines" is not to be confused with "Females", the latter are free to place their butts any place they would like, disregarding proximity to my face (as long as the aforementioned females are human).
Jeftris
08-11-2009, 12:24 PM
Not really much to discuss, but damn that's funny.
Dartful_Dawger
08-11-2009, 12:29 PM
There's plenty to discuss. You're just a bad conversationalist.
Everytime it shows its anus poke it and eventually it'll stop doing it.
Unless he's a faggot
ArtVandelay
08-11-2009, 12:38 PM
The worst is if the cat hisses when you try to remove it's anus region from the proximity of your face or if you move.
Casalen
08-11-2009, 12:50 PM
I kind of like it.
laugh
08-11-2009, 12:51 PM
george carlin had a nice joke about cat's anus's and the proximity of them to his face.
Infact here it is:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nzvm8k5kSjs
I couldn't embed for some reason.
Arielcz
08-11-2009, 12:59 PM
I knew I had heard that joke somewhere before.
Dartful_Dawger
08-11-2009, 1:07 PM
yeah, i totally stole it from george carlin.
PeeShaw
08-11-2009, 1:09 PM
Dear Darftul-
Meow meow meow meow meow.
Meow meow meowgetyourfuckingfaceoutofmybuttmeow meow
meow. Meow? Meow.
Meow,
Cats
MopHead
08-11-2009, 1:29 PM
Thats actually a very sensitive area for a cat, just like their stomach. if a serious cat wants to kill it would probably aim at the stomach area. But if cat would like to inflict pain with without resulting in death or may go for the bottox area.
Or it just wants to have sex.
Pitabread
08-11-2009, 1:31 PM
My cat's pretty cool about keeping its anus away from my face, I can't relate to this thread.
BlackHood
08-11-2009, 1:44 PM
Put a dish-cloth in its arse and it'll soon leave you alone.
My cat always waits until I fall asleep then she crawls onto my face and uses me as a pillow, wake up with half a lung full of cat hair. It's disgusting.
BlackHood
08-11-2009, 1:52 PM
Better than Cancer.
lostos
08-11-2009, 2:00 PM
My cat looks like this
http://img194.imageshack.us/img194/2394/84001625.jpg
only it's black with green eyes. You get the idea. Every morning, when I wake up, the first thing I see is my cat staring at me from close-up, as if it wanted to kill me, or say something important. The first few times this happened were horrifying.
Xanthe
08-11-2009, 2:06 PM
My cat doesn't stick his butt in my face, but if he's laying down and I start petting him he'll lift his butt up in the air in a really weird way so he's still laying down in front but standing up in back. It's kind of... provocative? In a cat way.
I guess that's what we get for neutering him.
RaygunShaun
08-11-2009, 2:12 PM
I don't have a cat.
My dog sits on my face. She doesn't understand that I'm not into that kinky shit.
Mustache
08-11-2009, 2:28 PM
I wish I had a cat. But I have this dog. There was a thunderstorm this morning and he shat his pants all over the living room. So then I gave him some Benadryl cause he has cancer and it stops the itching but also cause I just wanted him to calm the fuck down.
RaygunShaun
08-11-2009, 2:30 PM
I wish I had a cat. But I have this dog. There was a thunderstorm this morning and he shat his pants all over the living room. So then I gave him some Benadryl cause he has cancer and it stops the itching but also cause I just wanted him to calm the fuck down.
Your dog has pants?!
ilovebrownies
08-11-2009, 2:31 PM
Where's meowmeow when we need him?
SourChicken
08-11-2009, 2:31 PM
My cat puts his face in my face, which is still pretty bad because he has kitty breath. And I'm like "What the fuck man brush your teeth how about?" and he's all "meow" and I'm like "fuck you"
Mustache
08-11-2009, 2:32 PM
Your dog has pants?!
I don't know my mom woke me up and said, "Your dog just pooped and peed his pants all over the living room." So basically, it was a direct quote.
RaygunShaun
08-11-2009, 2:40 PM
I got my first dog when I seven, and named him Practical Blues. :indiff:
Practical Blues and Jesus Christ (my other dog) were good friends. Then Practical Blues died on us. Eventually, I got another cat and named her Topeka, then she ran the shit away and got eaten by coyotes, so now I'm just stuck with Jesus Christ.
Jesus Christ sits on my face.
USER WAS PUT IN TIMEOUT FOR THIS POST. (http://forums.explosm.net/eventlog.php)
Reason: You aren't funny.
Thats actually a very sensitive area for a cat, just like their stomach. if a serious cat wants to kill it would probably aim at the stomach area. But if cat would like to inflict pain with without resulting in death or may go for the bottox area.
Or it just wants to have sex.
You know that from experience, I assume?
Slutty McBangerton
08-11-2009, 2:57 PM
One of my cats likes to lick me, then bite. He's almost pierced my ear/nose that way.
Hats of!
08-11-2009, 3:58 PM
PS: "Felines" is not to be confused with "Females", the latter are free to place their butts any place they would like, disregarding proximity to my face (as long as the aforementioned females are human).
Elves then? Or human disguised as cats? Your open letter leaves much to be desired.
http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3416/3209176772_2e3204932d.jpg
Jeftris
08-11-2009, 4:40 PM
Dude NSFW. Kinda. If your boss walked in with a cats ass on the screen, I don't think it'd go down all too well anyway. And that George Calin video was one of the funniest things i've seen, except he acts like he's 4 years old.
PyroOwned
08-11-2009, 5:03 PM
My cat stretches out on my legs and claws in my legs repetitively no matter how much I push him away and he's all like "Mrrr" and I'm like "Ow fuck off that hurts" and he just meows more.
BreakTheWalls
08-11-2009, 5:09 PM
I used to have a cat that would jump onto my bed and shove my head off the pillow so he can sleep on it. Greedy bugger.
CuntMuppet
08-11-2009, 5:24 PM
My friend will occasionaly try shoving his cats asshole in my face if i'm at his house, but the cat doesn't seem to enjoy that any more than I do
poetryfreak
08-11-2009, 5:27 PM
My cat is decent enough to not do that. My cat does however, wait behind doors to pounce, claw, and bite the unexpecting.
I used to have a cat that would jump onto my bed and shove my head off the pillow so he can sleep on it. Greedy bugger.
My cat just paws at my head until I wake up and move.
Remote
08-11-2009, 7:29 PM
This is why I don't want a cat.
This thread reminds me of the time, myself, my friend's cousin both stayed the night at my friend's house. Well, Shawn(the cousin) was already asleep and my friend and I were wondering how we could fuck with shawn. We looked around the room and saw one of his cats sitting there. So, my friend grabbed the cat and stuck the cat's ass in shawn's face. Shawn woke up and have the most fucked up look on his face.
He looked at the ass, then at my friend, then me, eyes bloodshot, then turned back over on the couch and passed out. It was so funny back that for some reason.
Maybe cats put their asses in people's face because its cool for them. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pehHNJWKf3g)
I think that story is one of those "You had to be there" kind of things.
Laurence
08-11-2009, 8:53 PM
Cats are crafty bastards who want to shove their pro-anus agenda down your throat.
Tyler_Legrand
08-11-2009, 9:55 PM
Did it poo on you
Tweek
08-11-2009, 10:04 PM
Cats suck, you deserve all you get for having a stupid cat.
SlothMan
08-11-2009, 10:12 PM
Tweek, I hope you get raped by a lion.
Tweek
08-11-2009, 10:17 PM
Yeah and then my pack of wolves will maul the fuck out of it because they aren't gay like cats.
Andrey
08-11-2009, 10:59 PM
Yeah and then my pack of wolves will maul the fuck out of it because they aren't gay like cats.
Dude, what do you have against cats? They 1) run around chasing flies or balls of string or other toys and jumping up and down and looking cute, or 2) they sleep curled up, looking cute.
Mine always crawls under my bed sheets and snuggles up against my balls.
Tweek
08-11-2009, 11:06 PM
They are efficient killing machines.
To be honest they scare me.
SourChicken
08-11-2009, 11:22 PM
When I got my kitten he was really small and black and so at night we couldn't see him so he'd run around and we could hear him but not see him and we'd look behind us because we'd hear him there but he wouldn't be there then we'd turn back around and he'd be sitting right in front of us like "Whatup?"
Hats of!
08-12-2009, 1:14 AM
I'm with Tweek, cats do suck.
White_Ninja
08-12-2009, 1:35 AM
For those of you who need a little more info on cats:
<object width="425" height="344"><param name="movie" value="http://www.youtube.com/v/mHXBL6bzAR4&hl=en&fs=1&"></param><param name="allowFullScreen" value="true"></param><param name="allowscriptaccess" value="always"></param><embed src="http://www.youtube.com/v/mHXBL6bzAR4&hl=en&fs=1&" type="application/x-shockwave-flash" allowscriptaccess="always" allowfullscreen="true" width="425" height="344"></embed></object>.
I also dont like cats, a friend of mine stays in a flatlet by his mothers house and she has 16 cats. Seriously, 16 fucking cats. She brings home any fucking stray cat in danger of being put down, the only good thing about it is that she has them sterilised. I have told my friend a million times to get rid of them one by one because everything stinks of fucking cat piss. Sometimes I go there and we end up drinking all night long and the next day I go home smelling like a cat-house, I fucking hate it. We stagger all over the place knocking over litterboxes and stepping on cats while singing and shouting its a fucking disgrace and if my mother had done that to me I would have slapped her. Although I have fallen on cats,stepped on cats, kicked cats, tossed a few of them on the roof for fun I can honestly say none of them have ever shoved their anus in my face. If it did that cat would lose about 6 of its lives on the spot. Foul creatures.
Xanthe
08-12-2009, 5:43 AM
I also dont like cats, a friend of mine stays in a flatlet by his mothers house and she has 16 cats. Seriously, 16 fucking cats. She brings home any fucking stray cat in danger of being put down, the only good thing about it is that she has them sterilised. I have told my friend a million times to get rid of them one by one because everything stinks of fucking cat piss.
Better solution: don't hang out at your friend's mother's house.
Quadros
08-12-2009, 8:42 AM
Dear DaD
It has recently come to my attention that you entered correspondence with us regarding the anal proximity of one of our agents to your face. I'm glad to be able to clear this matter up for you, although the confusion seems to stem from a fundamental misunderstanding on your part.
We don't speak your retarded language so showing you an asshole was the best way to convey our feelings towards you and the rest of your pathetic furless freak friends. Think of the cat's ass as a mirror. We don't want to be tapped and wiped by your disgusting appendages you dumb fuck, what we're saying is generally 'FEED ME NOW BITCH' or 'LET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS CESSPIT SO I CAN GO GET MY OWN FOOD THEN YOU STUPID BIPEDAL TWAT'. We don't want you near us, you're comfortable seats and that's pretty much it. Feed us, cater for us, worship us but don't for a second get uppity with us, servant, or we'll go all claws on your second class citizen ass.
NEVER STEP OUT OF LINE AGAIN.
Yours sincerely, All cats.
(Especially the big ones. Like Lions. Rawwr.)
BlackHood
08-12-2009, 8:46 AM
Fuck you tweek cats don't suck. Cats are smart and cute. Dogs smell and are really fucking loud. Even the quiet ones.
SlothMan
08-12-2009, 10:17 AM
Dogs and cats are both pretty cool imho but cats are more independant, they clean themselves and bury their own shit, they eat less, need less attention and general caring for, they're funnier because they're more unpredictable, and they just come off as cooler. Plus I'm alergic to dogs.
So go fuck yourself, Fido. Cats are the way of the future.
Quadros
08-12-2009, 10:19 AM
All animals suck as a rule but Dogs are by far the most tolerable (apart from Donkeys, which just generally rock this bitch up).
nicoleislazy
08-12-2009, 10:24 AM
I don't have a cat, but I spent a week with my friend who has 3. Every time I pet one of the cats, they'd stick their asses in my face, and then me and her would just giggle like a couple of 10 year old girls. Irrelevant and yet not...
Tweek
08-12-2009, 10:25 AM
Why would you want a cat as a pet?
They don't need you, you don't need them. It's just an awkward relationship.
Plus cats are temperamental dicks and will claw you for no reason.
HappyPalooza
08-12-2009, 10:33 AM
Cats are fags.
SlothMan
08-12-2009, 10:38 AM
Dogs are just excitable little spastics. They're like retards on crack.
I want a retard on crack for a pet.
paraskeet
08-12-2009, 10:42 AM
My cat lays on her back so her butthole can be seen by all. Pretty gross.
Why would you want a cat as a pet?
They don't need you, you don't need them. It's just an awkward relationship.
Plus cats are temperamental dicks and will claw you for no reason.
You're an idiot. Cats are only mean if you don't handle them and give them enough love as kittens.
My kitty is super nice and loving and adorable and he never shoves his butthole in my face :3
PissedOrange
08-12-2009, 2:44 PM
My cat would stick its asshole in my face, just asking to be fucked.
Why would you want a cat as a pet?
They don't need you, you don't need them. It's just an awkward relationship.
Plus cats are temperamental dicks and will claw you for no reason.
My cat has never scratched me and it shows me love all the time.
I may not like him very much but he's nice to have around.
Cats are socialist and were not born in America.
SourChicken
08-12-2009, 9:10 PM
I wonder what cat insides feel like.
Tyler_Legrand
08-13-2009, 7:45 AM
My cat has never scratched me and it shows me love all the time.
I may not like him very much but he's nice to have around.
What more do you want from him you monster
WiseOldTabbyCat
08-13-2009, 7:51 AM
My cat stole my first kiss while I was sleeping :(
But she never sticks her butt in my face.
What more do you want from him you monster
I don't know
Money?
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