Dangerously Unfamiliar

[astronaughty]

This an oldy I wrote a loooong time ago. Probably one of the first. Anyways i'm workin on other poems and the likes. Next thread I'll moosh all the stuff into one. As always any and all criticism appreciated.

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I felt claustraphobic as I looked to the stars for answers, the skyscrapers framed the dark sky strangling any chance for a moments peace of mind. I sighed as the descending snow quietly blanketed the street. I was in the bad part of town, the areas theme was decadence and it's anthem, neglagence.

My shadow danced behind me compliments of the flickering street lamp above, which hummed my solemn tune to the echo of the alleyways seemingly singing along. I brought a wrap of tobacco to my lips and flicked open my lighter. The subtle warmth of the flame was a welcomed sense, as well as the accompanied crackle of the singed wrap.

I grit my teeth as it became apparent I wasn't alone. Bringing a caloused hand to meet the stubble of an unshaven jaw. I payed close attention to the falling foosteps behind, crunching in the snow like a pile of freshly raked leaves. He wasn't sneaking. He stepped with authority. The crunching stopped. To the relief of my lungs I exhaled a cloud of hot smoke. Turning in place to face the man who had joined me for this cold november night. His identity remained a mystery as the abundant darkness cascaded across his face, and the silvery white clouds slowly rose from the dark. I caught the glimmer of his his sidearm, and an even better look as he skinned it. My heart pitter pattered to the soft snow landing on my shoulders.

His eyes lit up and pierced his anonymous veil as I drew as well. It seemed like an eternity before the silence was violently shattered. The smoke drifted from our barrels as the noise began to die, ringing through the alleys. I felt no pain but looked to the snow for answers, my heart sunk to see the disconcerting red on white. The stranger dropped to his knees then to his final resting place, a black ice matress.

[Jeftris]

Should probably be posted here. (http://forums.explosm.net/showthread.php?t=43730)
But neat poem anyways.

[Godly]

Holy fuck read your work before posting it. There are a ton of grammar mistakes and half of it made no sense.

"I caught the glimmer of his his sidearm, and an even better look as he skinned it."
He skinned his own arm? Damn, that guy must be pretty bad ass.

Please make sure you don't post something as completely amateur as this. It's a waste of time.

[astronaughty]

Umm, not questioning your sound advice but.. sidearm is a term for gun and skinning it is another used for drawing it. Now don't get confused, that isn't the literal form of drawing a pistol like with a pencil or in your case crayons but pulling it from it's previous resting place either your beltline or a holster.

Please be sure you can understand the english language before you attempt to criticize it, rather than waste my time elaborating on trivial things which are common sense for most.

[Antisaint]

You still made it sound like he was skinning the side of his arm. It's not about how you meant it, it's about how others interpret it.

[Tweek]

I think some minor punctuation fix-ups would help it flow a lot better.
Too many adjectives.

The resolution is to a problem I never cared about.

[Godly]

There are still many other places in your text that have continuity errors and just don't make sense cause you wrote them shittily.
"my heart sunk to see the disconcerting red on white. The stranger dropped to his knees then to his final resting place, a black ice matress."
You say you see red on white, then you say he dies on black ice. Which one is it?

And like Tweek said, you're story is much too full of adjectives. They can help a story in many situations, but when they are misused or used over zealously they can ruin a story.
One last thing, get off your high horse if you're gonna ask for criticism. It's not my fault you used an uncommon synnonym for drawing your gun and expected everyone to know exactly what you meant. If you had re-read your own story you should have been able to realize how much that sentence seems like something other then what you meant it to be.

[Nemmukat]

I'm not a gifted writer, or anything like that, so it would be unfair if I was critical of it.
I found it to be quite well written though, with the descriptive words painting a clear picture in my mind. I loved it.

[astronaughty]

There are still many other places in your text that have continuity errors and just don't make sense cause you wrote them shittily.
"my heart sunk to see the disconcerting red on white. The stranger dropped to his knees then to his final resting place, a black ice matress."
You say you see red on white, then you say he dies on black ice. Which one is it?
One last thing, get off your high horse if you're gonna ask for criticism. It's not my fault you used an uncommon synnonym for drawing your gun and expected everyone to know exactly what you meant. If you had re-read your own story you should have been able to realize how much that sentence seems like something other then what you meant it to be.
I was defensive because you came on a bit harsh with your criticism while it was obviously incorrect, particularly in the way that if you'd have read all of it before jumping onto the missinformed express you'd have put two and two together. It may just be a language barrier, but arms like the limb in general don't glimmer let alone get addressed as sidearms.


It's supposed to be descriptive in the sense that im only explaining about 30 seconds of action, and its about a brief moment rather than having a direction, if you could imagine being there or see it in your mind then it did what it was supposed to.
As for the afforementioned phrase at the end, he feels no pain but checks the snow, he see's his blood in the snow, and then it clearly states the stranger falls dead. As in he was shot, and you dont know what will happen to him, but the other fella dies.

[Antisaint]

It may just be a language barrier, but arms like the limb in general don't glimmer let alone get addressed as sidearms.

This sentence sums up why your writing sucks. You use "big words" and language you think is either smart or pretty, and it just fucks the sentence to hell.

And the rest of that post just proves you need to check your grammar and spelling.

[astronaughty]

There are no "big" words in that sentence. And I hardly think spelling accounts for quality of writing and is a superficial error. And you haven't said anything that someone who couldn't interpret the story correctly hasn't said already. You're just backing him up because it sounds like I'm defensive and talking down to him.

I'm taking a bit tweeks advice, it could have been a little longer/direct to establish more of a character/purpose and pull the reigns on the adjectives. As for punctuaion thats just something i'll have to work on.

[Antisaint]

Consider, for a moment, that your readers aren't stupid. We interpret your writing that way because you aren't being clear. It's not up to us to interpret your message correctly, it's your job as a writer to present the message, in a way your readers will understand. Using less adjectives will help, and remember simple is better.

[Godly]

I think Antisaint's hit the right mark there. Since you're giving yourself and your writing priority over our opinions, you dismiss what we're saying as a miss. One example is that you've accused me of having a language barrier(unless you meant yourself, which I highly doubt you did) and that there gives me an idea of how you're thinking. "I'm in the right, I like what I wrote and I think it's quite good." Thus when someone else says "Hey dude, shit don't make sense." you dismiss us. "If someone else doesn't understand what I wrote it's because they aren't reading it correctly."
Everyone reads in their own way, the challenge of writing comes from this. Since you have so many people reading your works from different angles and with different thoughts you have to make sure that anyone can understand the meaning of your writings.
Also, I don't have a language barrier, I understand english as well as it can be understood. I know how to read it, write it and have been doing so since a young age.

Long story short, don't accuse your readers of being idiots because they said that your work wasn't as good as you think it is. That being said, yes I did come on a bit strong, but that wasn't simply against your piece, it was mostly against the fact that you didn't proof-read your work before posting it.

Blah blah blah long post