Wires

[The_Solipsist]

I wanted to try to get away from writing abstract stuff, as it hasn't been going well. Here's my attempt.




We communicate with Blue wires,
Ignoring the Red.
The Green hang down and lay at my feet,
Yellow dangle ‘bove your head.

We communicate with Blue words,
Some of them are read.
The light stays Green, as we eye the shapes,
Yell, ‘O, they seem so dead.’

We communicate with Blue warmth,
But I wish the wires were red.
The green will stain, after too much longer,
But you stay Yellow, instead.

[Savaril]

Maybe you should just stop writing poetry? Not only does this not stray from being abstract, it doesn't even stray from being gibberish.

[The_Solipsist]

This is pretty easy to read, what are you going off about?

[abbey]

Clever! I like what you did with the sound repetition. I'm not going lie and say I totally understand what you're getting at, though.

[Metalhead636]

It was clever. It just made no sense.

[The_Solipsist]

Wires connect two objects, carry energy, transfer data, and are usually connected to a source. They are meant to be substantive of a few different metaphors, collectively and just by themselves.

[sprene]

I appreciate the "Yell, O'" and "read/red", but I'm not feeling much in the way of the wire-colour metaphors.

[Quadros]

It's clever, I like it. he thing I would say about a wires metaphor though is that it's mechanical, and therefore cold and robotic. Not the kind of metaphor you want to be using to depict emotion. It is incredibly vague and difficult to comprehend but once one actually contemplates it it's got layers and layers of metaphor going on. however I still think the impersonal nature of a mechanical metaphorical device intrinsicly damages your discussion. While, for example, coloured wires invoke the idea of a bomb and thus hints at the idea that all relationships are effectively time bombs primed for explosion and failure, the mechanical overtones convey a feeling of apathy, as if the feelings themselves are shams and acts. This contradicts the emotional honestly vital to the heart of a relationship and displays a possible flaw in the message. Alternitavely the message may be that that kind of mechanical approach with merely superficial and neatly characterised emotions is doomed, in which case; well, DUUURRR!

Another problem with it, which links to the emotional coldness, is that the narrator seems unable to be intellectually honest with himself, unable to take responsibility for any failing within the relationship. We see the green wire at his feet, envy defeated or beneath him, yet yellow, the colour of cowardice, is constantly associated with his partner. Even if his observation is correct and she is a coward, the narrator must take responsibility for his complete lack of respect for her in labelling her with that right from the off. Also when green reappears later on the green envelops everything, both of them, or is suggested as being insidious in and of itself. So it's either environmental, a shared experience, or insidious. None of which are things the narrator can be responsible for.

The final point I would make is that while Blue psychologically might be the colour of calm and pleasantness, in art it's far more likely to be associated with melancholy. Similarly red will be read as either anger or passion or both, further muddying already murky waters.

It's the best poem I've read by you, that's for sure, and there's a lot of very clever ideas to be found on close inspection. But its meaning takes a lot more work to comprehend than it should. I've been over and over it and I'm still not certain my interpretation is correct. So if you're tempted to write off all of my criticisms because I've fundamentally misunderstood the subject matter, THAT'S your single biggest problem. If you can't communicate your ideas adequately that's something you have to work on, not us.

[Diki]

Oh, yell o and yellow! I get it. That's cute! I guess if you're used to writing abstract stuff it isn't going to make too much sense but the yellow thing made me smile.

[timbot]

Yeah, I'm not a fan. As Quadros said, this is too difficult to decipher. The metaphor of communicating with wires is interesting and could go somewhere. Unfortunately, all you seem to do is pile metaphor upon metaphor. You give the reader so little to work with it's nearly impossible to know if any interpretation is correct. What are "the shapes" and why are they dead? And why is someone yelling about it? And how does a green light--which immediately made me think of a traffic signal--associate with blue words that we read?
I don't give you as much credit as Quadros does. I suppose there could be metaphors in there like the one's he suggested, but the way I see it, there's not really much skill or anything praiseworthy about putting together some vague phrases and blaming the reader for not understanding your "metaphors."

[Diki]

I think the cute word play makes up a little bit for the not making sense.

[The_Solipsist]

I didn't mean to come off that way, I understood that I'm too vague when it comes to the metaphors.

Thanks for the criticism Quaddy, I'm still trying.

Tim, the shapes and the 'dead' refer to the words.

I must've fucked up real bad if that wasn't too obvious.