[Audioslave]

Here it is, Explosm. What you've been waiting to read. A short story about the rapture, oozing with choppy post-apocalyptic, dark-comedy absurdism written by a mind with no attention span. Review, critique, and enjoy.

Last night she told me the rapture was here, I didn’t believe her. It struck me then that raptures and religion should be reserved for the insane and institutionalized. What strikes me now is a sense of regret, dwarfed by a feeling of impending doom. Before me stood the very flames that hell had cast out, around me exploded many things that ought not be anywhere but the confinements of Satan’s dungeon. Corpses walked the streets, unaware that life does not support the dead and peoples screamed and scrambled for bibles, as if it was not to late to repent. Myself, I was sitting in a locked, ’69 Plymouth GTX 426, fully restored and fully equipped, or so I had thought before judgment day. When buying the most beautiful muscle car to ever grace the green, now black, earth, one does not usually ask if there is rapture protection installed. So no, I guess in such an instance, it is not fully equipped. In the backseat of my almost 40 year old muscle car, was, in plain view, 25 pounds of cocaine, auspicious in the fact no border guards would have the chance to take it away. In my passenger seat was the only thing I love in the time of religious turmoil, something I confess I am new to. Laying on the seat next to me was a Sundance guitar, world-weary and without much of a finish left, rather like myself. I had what I needed, and what I wanted was to escape god’s wrath. If a priest had been with me, he would have told me that this isn’t the Dukes of Hazard, and I cannot escape the anger of the Lord. Unfortunately for me there was no priest there to guide me, because he was probably up in heaven sipping on something a little stronger than wine.

When we are all dead, who will write the obituary? Who will create a sentimental statue of words to the late, great planet earth? Will a little picture appear next to the small block of text, perhaps a picture we’ve taken from space of our little rock in the middle of blackness? How self-satisfied are we that we represent ourselves with a picture of our planet that we’ve obtained in some Cold War space race? What good are countries now? Countries are on fire, countries are rubble, and countries are deserted.

We’re all just bones and ash, now. We’re all just bones and ash. We’ve all gone out, if you’ll please leave a message after the beep, we’ll try to get back to you after our eternal suffering has ended.

It’s funny, on the brink of the end of the world, sitting in my muscle car with my guitar, cocaine and typewriter, I still can’t help but think God doesn’t exist. This all seems a little too dramatic for a man who created the heavens and the stars, the people and planets, the rivers and rainforests. After billions of years of tough love coupled with affectionate oversight, has God finally decided to cut his losses? Are we being kicked out?

Debbie Harry described the rapture best when she described it as an alien, eating people’s cars and heads. Looking down the street, seeing nobody move and no cars start up, I wonder if this is the case. Maybe the entire world is just hiding from the flames and the hungry aliens, hoping to not be spotted by the rapture-police.

Facing inevitable doom, brought on by a life of careless sacrilege and blasphemy, one often questions certain choices in their life. Myself, I have no real regrets. I maintain that it is God’s loss, not my own. Maybe this isn’t exactly the case, but perception is 100% of my reality, and this is true because I make it so.

And so I began to drive, both into and away from religious persecution from a higher power, with any irony of the situation flying some yards behind me, having been blown out the window. I stopped for a bit to play a few songs for the nothingness that surrounded all the nothing around me, then took my guitar and cocaine and made it for Mexico. Any urge to snort the cocaine on my leather interior was lost on my humble being, seeing as I was merely a transporter, not a user. Mexico was the destination, and I was the carrier pigeon of delicious and deadly nose candy. When I arrived at Mexico, I assumed my buyer would not force me to haste, considering the situation at hand had potential to be a rather lengthy one. Rather than make my way towards a man probably being lit on fire for a thousands nights of bleeding noses, I made my way to Pátzcuaro, a place that literally means “place of stones”. In the times of eternal fire, I would prefer as many stones around me as possible. I drove for well over a day to arrive at my destination, and I found it to be a chilling cemetery of houses. I saw a church constructed of bone, and I could only assume it was made after the rapture, though I was not totally sure. With every passing breeze, the building trembled and shook as though it would spring back to life. Uneasy groans of lost souls sounded around me, as did the tired moans of those who were unfortunately found. Around me joined in a chorus of screams and yells, sounds of agony and apathy, coupled together to make a horrendous orchestra of death. I stood, transfixed, with IPod headphones in. I heard a quiet beep that announced my battery was going to heaven with the rest of the civilization that read the bible, and I was to be left alone and without music. And so my the tiny battery, packed into my music player ascended to the great above, and I was left to listen to the horrifying ensemble. I made my way back to my car, only to find that it, and everything I loved was on fire. The only survivors now were me, my IPod, and a typewriter, slung around my neck in a post-apocalyptic Hunter S. Thompson style. Oh what a terrible way to go, without music or a car. Though I suspect music cannot be hard to come by in the new life I will be awarded as a dead ghoul, I supposed Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath will be only too pleased to put a concert now and again. Perhaps this macabre evening will have some up sides. Maybe the rapture really wasn’t the worse thing that could happen.

[web-dragon]

Sounds good, although its not the kind of style I normaly read. I say keep going with it (if your intent is to continue it).

[Chardon07]

Well good writers have to start somewhere. your story was very..... weird and hard to understand. Keep working

[NVM]

Well I a currently writing a "apocalyptic" themed story. Though it's nothings like yours.


But I liked it. The main character was interesting and it had a original take on writing in first-person in general. I also like how it does blatantly explain things, adds some curiosity.
The only real issues I had were that you detailed some things while left other quite plain. And there's naturally grammar issues. But who cares.

Good job. I wouldn't mind you continuing this story.

[istalklang]

Hm. Not quite sure what to say about this.

I read it because I'm waiting for my sleepy drugs to kick in. Like NVM said, there's a lot of detail in some things, but for me it wasn't necessary detail. And other parts in which I'd like some detail just feel lacking.

I felt like every other sentence I was reading about some reference to pop culture or a cliche. It was readable though, not a bad style. Although I wouldn't be able to describe what I read to someone else, we can blame that on sleepy drugs.

Not bad/10

[Audioslave]

That's swell, guys.

BUT WHAT THE HELL DON'T YOU LIKE ABOUT IT.

You all kind of skirt around saying it was mediocre and you weren't crazy about it, but why.

[Killer Carebear]

I liked it.

[Audioslave]

I want to shake you violently.

Can you at least tell me what you liked?

I find Explosm is the one place I can get an honest review by people who are literate, yet not writing snobs who make generalizing statements that they don't follow up on, as if they're the higher authority on language. Anywhere else I just get the "Wow I liked all the little words in there."

Explosm, you are truly my last hope. Break me down, hurt my feelings, tell me what you truly didn't like so I can get better.

[Stealth Prawn]

I thought it was pretty good. I have never read a story with that theme (apocalypse) before. I also liked how you kept adding religious references and how the character remained indifferent to the whole apocalypse thing.

I also liked your use of metaphors, especially the 'cold war' one. I enjoyed how you described how the survivors acted, and I feel that is exactly what people would do, if such a thing happened.

Overall, 8/10 Nice job

[Killer Carebear]

Wow I liked all the little words in there.



But seriously, I liked the way the the narrator only observes the chaos around him, doesn't seem to be in the world outside his car, and the religious references. Especially when the iPod dies. For some reason that really got to me. Also how you ended it on the lighter side (kind of).

And sometimes I want to shake me violently too.

[NVM]

Originally Posted by Audioslave

I want to shake you violently.

Can you at least tell me what you liked?

I find Explosm is the one place I can get an honest review by people who are literate, yet not writing snobs who make generalizing statements that they don't follow up on, as if they're the higher authority on language. Anywhere else I just get the "Wow I liked all the little words in there."

Explosm, you are truly my last hope. Break me down, hurt my feelings, tell me what you truly didn't like so I can get better.

Your main character, even in that kind of setting, isn't very original at all.
Though it is a short story so It doesn't need a deep chacter.

[TheLameSauce]

Adioslave, I must say, I love your style. I've never read something by someone who I consider my own peer (in an I can talk to you like any guy on the street sort of way) that is so rich with creativity and interest.
Because of my beliefs there were a few things that bugged me though, so I'll present you with a critique perspective I doubt you'll get from anyone else on this site: A Christian who truly enjoys reading your perspective on the apocalypse.
First I just wanted to point out that, although you did very well assuming you didn't proofread this with a ton of scrutiny, there were a few spelling and grammatical mistakes which I will try to find again:

Originally Posted by Audioslave

If a priest had been with me, he would have told me that this isn’t the Dukes of Hazard, and I cannot escape the anger of the Lord, yet unfortunately there was no priest there to guide me, because he was probably up in heaven sipping on something a little stronger than wine.
(This sentence kind of runs on a little, I suggest splitting it somewhere, but this is up to your own discretion)


I still can’t help but think god doesn’t exist.

(God, when speaking about the God of Israel, is generally, if not always, capitalized. This is the only instance of this mistake, so I'm sure you just missed it. Nothing big)

seeing as I was merely a transported, not a user.

(transporter)

I drove for well over a day to arrive at my destination, and I found to be a chilling cemetery of houses.

(I think you meant "found it to be", but I can't be sure)

I saw a church constructed of bone, and I could only assume they were made after the rapture, though I was not totally sure.

(You address one church here, and then switch to the plural, "they".)

Uneasy groans of lost souls sounded around me, as did the tired moans of those who were unfortunately found.

(This could very well be your writing style at work, but I'm having trouble understanding what you mean by "unfortunately found")

I stood, transfixed, with IPod headphones in.

(Two things here: it seems redundant the number of times you say IPod [unless you're getting paid for it ofcourse], especially here where it would be most acceptable to just say "headphones". The other thing, this is the first time you mention you're listening to headphones, or that you even have an IPod; It seems like it would be more pleasing to one's imagination if they new these things before they've already got a picture in their head of what's going on in the story.)


that announced me my battery were going to heaven with the rest of the civilization that read the bible, and I was to be left alone and without music.

("batteries" or "was". This sentence doesn't roll off the tongue of my mind: it seems it would sound better written "with the rest of civilization")

Oh what a terrible way to go, without music or a car.

("Oh, what". Missing comma, nothing big.)

Though I suspect music cannot be hard to come by in the new life I will be awarded as a dead ghoul, I supposed Led Zeppelin and Black Sabbath will be only to pleased to put a concert now and again.

("only too pleased. This sentence just comes out as a jumbled mess and really takes away from the otherwise very smooth story telling preceding it. I suggest adding a comma, "hard to come by, in the new life", a period or semicolon, "as a dead ghoul. I supposed", and fixing the tense issues in that last half, "supposed" and "will")

Perhaps this macabre evening will have some up sides. Perhaps the rapture really wasn’t the worse thing that could happen.

(I hate to point out something as small and easily overlooked as this, but I think it would be best not to use the word perhaps to begin two sentences in a row)

I hope these have helped.

Now for my Christian perspective on a few of the things in this story(This is just my opinion. Though I believe it to be Truth, you are fully entitled to completely disagree with me):

The fact that this story is the rapture told from a perspective other than that of a Christian is in of itself extremely interesting (at least to me) and I want to compliment you on doing something I at least haven't seen before.

For my first real critique; in the middle-end of the story, you call God a man, which (unless you're Mormon) is in my opinion a wrong way to describe a being who you've consented (at least in this story) to have the authority to enact the apocalypse/rapture.

You also imply here that the rapture was unannounced and unplanned by God, though you acknowledge by the writing of this story in itself that the rapture is known about by at least the great majority of the western world. It is a fact that the rapture, the end times, are described in great detail in the Bible, an entire chapter devoted to it.

Later the character shows a perspective that support truth to be relative. This perspective is one of the most oxymoronic ideas I've encountered: It cannot be absolutely true that truth is relative, yet many people who believe this push this belief as though it is absolutely true. There can only be one truth, it is impossible for two separate truths to exist in one universe. I do see that your character acknowledges that he may be wrong, I don't want to seem like I'm arguing against points that you're not even arguing for.

Near the end your character says "my battery were going to heaven with the rest of the civilization that read the bible". I understand this may just be your character's satirical humor or understanding, but this statement is not biblically accurate at all; The bible never says anywhere "Read this and you will be saved" It does say "confess with your mouth Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart God raised Him from the dead and you will be saved"

Finally, it seems odd that your character is living in the very midst of a rapture, an apocalypse warned of by God in the Bible, yet he still believes in the worlds creation of what Hell will be like rather than what is repeatedly described, sometimes in detail in the Bible.

Please forgive me for using the word "you" when talking about the character in your story, I was thinking quickly and it didn't hit me until about midway through that your character didn't necessarily have to represent your own beliefs.

I hope my critique helps. Thank you for the opportunity.

Edit: Woah...Sorry for the long post Audio...

[Godly]

I loved it, maybe it's because I've grown accustomed to your style and have gotten to love how you write, but what ever the reason may be. I really liked that story. The descriptions are enough to give you a good sense of what's going on, but it's not so much that it bores you to read through it and the similes/metaphors and all other writing "tools"(as my teacher calls them) are very well used and give a great meaning to the story and they give a great flow to the story as you read it.

Very nice.

[Audioslave]

@Lamesauce: I love you.

Ok, thanks a million for the grammatical checks. It's true that I do not exactly scrutinize what I've written (mostly just spell-check and a brief scan) and I appreciate anybody who can point out the little letter or verb tense here and there that really do bog down the story.

As for your other critiques, I'll definitely keep them in mind. The thing is that I did not set out to create a perfectly, biblically-accurate story. I know the bible, and I know it fairly well. Yet when I was writing this, I felt it more pertinent to write a sort of wasteland rather than an actual hell. Things exploding, things lit on fire, and people being tortured (if you're having trouble picturing it, watch the episode of the Simpsons where Homer's family is left below)

The battery thing doesn't actual have any religious undertones, it's just that it died and the narrator feels like being a smartass

The rapture wasn't unannounced, but for agnostic/atheist people like the main character, it was not expected.

And I'm ok with leaving him calling God a man. Remember that this character is not only uneducated in the Christian religion, but is apathetic about it until the end.

Again, thanks.


@Godly: Thanks. You're the one person I can count on to read what I write =]

[TheLameSauce]

Originally Posted by Audioslave

Really nice, complimenting stuff and thanks.

Dude, it's really no problem; Although I'm really lax when it comes to conversational writing/typing, I'm really nit-picky about grammar and punctuation when it comes to work someone wants others to actually read (If you know what I mean). So this really comes naturally to me.

As far as all the religious critique, I apollogize for not seeing that you were merely assuming a character in your story, I only realized this as a possibility halfway through writing it all out. Looking at it in that light, you make your story that much more amazing since you're creating your story from a perspective that is not your own, yet hit it spot on. Congrats man, I'd love to see a continueation of this story.

[Killer Carebear]

I don't think a continuation would be appropriate. And sorry for the shallow post. I'm not good at converting thoughts into words.

[Audioslave]

No, I tend to agree. Making another part in the story would be like making the Godfather III

[Killer Carebear]

Naw, I was talking about the post before that one.